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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really fucking annoyed at DP

240 replies

ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 19:24

Sorry this might be a bit rambly, I'm really angry.

We don't live together at the moment as he doesn't want to. We have two DC under 3 and I live as a LP, with him visiting us for one or to days a week.

We fell out last week over his priorities, but he apologised yesterday so all was well again. Last night he asked to borrow £40 to go out, which considering I'm on benefits is quite a lot to me. He does this most weeks, but as usual I said yes as he was laying it on thick with how he would pay me back ASAP, he needed time out etc.

I've just seen the dreaded Facebook. He went out and got so slaughtered that he couldn't go to work today, which will get him in trouble no doubt.

It doesn't sound so big written down, but I'm so angry. I struggle to run a house with two lively toddlers, sort our finances out, do everything and he swans in for one day a week and lives his life as a single man. I need a break, but I never get one. When he's here he sleeps until lunchtime and the kids are up at 5am every day. I have other issues that mean I don't get any time to relax when they are in bed.

So, AIBU? Because I'm sure he'll tell me I am, and I don't want to fight if I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/11/2013 20:25

All you have to do is not afford to pay the train fare for him and see how long it takes him to come over...

AnyaKnowIt · 24/11/2013 20:26

Ltb

Then you'll have more money due to csa. You'll also get a break when his has his contact with them.

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 20:28

Vivacia The children are under 3, we have been together for 5 years.

I don't know why I set the bar low, I wish I hadn't...

No, I only have about 3 friends and they are all in Uni. We got together when I was in college so most of them left me behind. I never go out, DD is breastfed and won't go to anyone else in the night.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 24/11/2013 20:30

Bloody hell, if this is better by a mile since we split last time I hate to think how bad it was before!

As to not knowing how to break up:

You pack all his things in bin bags. You tell him to collect them (from the garden). You block his number on your phone. You go and get legal advice from the CAB regarding CSA for your children.
You never look back.

Done.

YouTheCat · 24/11/2013 20:31

OP, you've done the difficult bit in getting yourself all set up in your place with your dc. Your benefits are sorted. You don't have any upheaval in moving out or seeking refuge.

All you have to do is tell him no more sex, get the CSA onto him to get maintenance and make sure he knows that access to the kids will mean he picks them up and takes them out/has them overnight.

You need a break.

CoffeeTea103 · 24/11/2013 20:31

It's actually sad to hear how low your standards are. This man is everything you would not want in a life partner. You deserve so much better, you have accepted so much so far that you both see this as normal. One day you will see what everyone here has been saying, unfortunately it seems he is going to hurt you many times over before you see it.

toffeesponge · 24/11/2013 20:33

What do you think he would do if you did as I suggested?

Please don't feel attacked. We don't know you, don't know him, certainly don't like what we read about him but you sound incredible. You sound much more mature than him and know in your heart that what is going on now is not right otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

If you want help to finish things you will get unrivalled support for as long as you need it.

If you want help to stay you will still get support but it won't be all plain sailing as you are being taken for a ride and mums don't like to see a fellow mum being taken the piss off.

puntasticusername · 24/11/2013 20:34

Annie there is never anything wrong in this situation with going the distance and exhausting all the reasonable options. If you do end up splitting with him, in the future you need to be able to look yourself and your DC in the eye and be able to honestly say that you did everything you could to make things work with their dad.

The last thing to worry about is disappointing the people here, everyone here wants the best for you but you and only you can decide what that is to be!

tinmug · 24/11/2013 20:34

I just don't think I have it in me to walk away right now, so I' trying to find an easier way for myself.

You will have to keep bending and bending, twisting yourself out of shape, whittling away, whittling away, until there is nothing left of you. That's what it's going to take to keep living like this.

cantheyseeme · 24/11/2013 20:35

The idea about not giving the train fair is a really good idea, if hes bothered hel get up there to see you all, if not it should make things a whole lot easier for you.

MotherofthreeDragons · 24/11/2013 20:37

Annie it's not about you being a doormat or what is normal.

You need to to do what you feel comftable with. Being a single parent is hard so hard and having someone, even for a few days a week is comforting.

But, as I said before, that resentment and anger will build up, he will do what he is being aloud to do and before you know it you will have wasted you life sitting, exhausted, waiting for someone to bother with you that doesn't respect you or love you enough.

No one can tell you to LTB, only you can make that call and when/if you do make that call, good luck x

MotherofthreeDragons · 24/11/2013 20:38

And feel free to PM me OP x

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 20:38

Thank-you. I really really mean that.

I knew in my heart it shouldn't be like this, I feel validated now and it's a weight off my mind if I'm honest. I didn't even know that weight was there.

I won't be hurt again, I don't think I could take it. I have told him we need to talk, and on Thursday I will be telling him it's over unless he makes serious changes. I know he won't.

No more sex, no more money, no more train fare.

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 24/11/2013 21:03

pictish is spot on sweetheart Sad

Hope you find the strength sooner than later. You and your children are worth so much more. Don't let this excuse of a man/father whittle you away till you're too far down. It is all you've known so far and understandably, you have no-one to compare him to. But LOOK at all the posts. There is not one single post advising you to "work things out" or "give him time" etc etc. Everyone is saying the same thing.

All the best Thanks And don't forget, once you have made the decision, MN is fab for all the practical advice, as well as hand holding.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/11/2013 21:05

Read what Pictish wrote, over and over.

it's no one else's normal by a long shot

One day you will look back on this and wonder what the fuck you were thinking

^ This.

This is not normal. This is not how a normal relationship works.

I wish I could transplant you to my house or a 100 other MN'ers houses OP so you can see what a normal relationship is and how happy you could be.

You will genuinely look back and think why the fuck did I not do this years ago. You and your kids deserve so much more.

kerala · 24/11/2013 21:09

Encapsulates how the welfare state isn't working in current format. state supports family so one parent can duck their respondibilies entirely and taxpayer foots bill enabling lover boy to have a family that he doesn't support and live like a single man. Marvellous.

catsmother · 24/11/2013 21:11

He gives you no maintenance and then cadges money from you to go drinking with ?!?

FFS OP this is going to sound harsh but what the hell are you thinking ? You are enabling him to completely absolve himself of any responsibility towards his children. Every time you cook him a meal - which I presume he pays nothing towards ? - every time you let him off the hook re: maintenance - your children are going without. Okay, let's rephrase that .... I'm sure you're thinking that you don't let them go without, that they're fed, and dressed, but that's not really the point is it. Think of how much more you could do for them - how much easier things would be if the so-called "man" who's supposed to be their father was a decent human being instead of an utter shit.

Yes, that's what he is.

He may have moments where he's amusing, good company etc ..... but be honest with yourself, how many of those "moments" do you - and your children - get in a typical week ? I'd hazard that the "good" times amount to a tiny percentage of his overall time and effort. And for that tiny, throw away miniscule piece of him, you are, in effect, paying for the privilege. As are your children, who deserve better than this.

You need to get rid. This isn't a 1st, or 2nd, 3rd or even 4th offence. This has been going on for ages. If he wanted to be a good partner and a good father he'd have done so by now - any ultimatum you give him which he seemingly responds to won't be because the scales have suddenly fallen from his eyes - he doesn't have scales over his eyes - he's behaving the way he does because he likes it that way. If he "mends his ways" I can guarantee it'll be to "shut you up" - and any apparent effort will diminish as soon as he thinks you've "settled down" again. I repeat, you're not expecting anything extraordinary from him - nothing that should come as any sort of shock or surprise for someone who actually cared ..... he should not NEED to be told, or threatened into meeting his responsibilities and treating you properly.

Just think .... if this was, in any respect, normal, I'm sure by now that at least one other poster would have made excuses for him. But they haven't.

Please do what you know is right for you and the kids.

MarmiteNotVegemite · 24/11/2013 21:11

*So, what is he bringing to this relationship?

You obviously supply sex, childcare, cash and the home comforts and him????*

And don't forget us tax-payers supplying benefits to raise this man's children, and paying for his nights out on the lash, because clearly the children's father doesn't believe he is financially responsible for his own children (nor mother come to that ... but that's far more understandable, poor woman)

Sidge · 24/11/2013 21:11

You don't need to leave him - there's nothing to leave!

You are worth so much more than this.

Stop the sex. Stop the handouts. You'll find it fizzles out PDQ then...

Good luck.

waltermittymissus · 24/11/2013 21:16

Jesus, I don't even know where to start.

Tough love?

He doesn't love you. Believe me. He's most likely incapable of it because love is a selfless emotion and this man is so far from selfless it would be laughable if it wasn't so tragic.

He doesn't respect you either and clearly doesn't give two shits about your children.

Trust me when I tell you that he doesn't. He's nice when he knows it's time to reel you back in a little.

You're probably thinking nobody really understands but we do, we really, really do.

I wish you could see into the future you would have with and without him...

Please, please, please get rid. I have seen NO redeeming qualities in any of your posts. Don't throw your life away with him.

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 21:21

Pictish's post made a breakthrough in my head. I have read it again to be sure.

I have read what 'normal' is on here, I only joined a month ago but I have realised how wrong things are. I think I'm in shock, I honestly thought I could make this work.

Thank you for your post catsmother, it made a lot of sense to me.

To the posters talking about benefits, I do understand. I am utterly ashamed that I'm using 'free money' to pay for my kids, and I am trying my best to sort this sorry situation out.

He gives me £50 a week which is more than CSA would ask as he doesn't earn much.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 24/11/2013 21:38

It's not you who should be ashamed. it's him. you're doing your best to raise your kids and will put back into the system when they're older.

LemonBreeland · 24/11/2013 22:34

Please also think about your dc growing up and seeing this as a normal relationship. How would you feel if someone treated your dc like this when they were in a relationship?

I feel so Sad for you that you have come to see this as normal.

attheendoftheday · 24/11/2013 23:47

Oh sweetheart, he's done a number on you.

If you can hold it together to get rid, I really think life will get better for you. You and your kids deserve so much more.

catsmother · 25/11/2013 03:47

But OP, you said he "couldn't afford" maintenance this month .... so, that's £200 you and the kids have lost out on. You also said he was laying it on thick about needing time out - Jeez, you must see how utterly incongruous that is, when he has all the time out he wants by living life as a single man.

Don't misunderstand what other posters are saying about benefits. It's not that they're critical about you receiving benefits per se - most people appreciate benefits are there to help (in theory) when you're in a hole .... what I think people are angry about is the fact that that money is then passed on to an utter user for his entertainment while that same useless "man" completely fails to properly support his so-called partner and children.

So .... what do you plan to do now ?