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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really fucking annoyed at DP

240 replies

ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 19:24

Sorry this might be a bit rambly, I'm really angry.

We don't live together at the moment as he doesn't want to. We have two DC under 3 and I live as a LP, with him visiting us for one or to days a week.

We fell out last week over his priorities, but he apologised yesterday so all was well again. Last night he asked to borrow £40 to go out, which considering I'm on benefits is quite a lot to me. He does this most weeks, but as usual I said yes as he was laying it on thick with how he would pay me back ASAP, he needed time out etc.

I've just seen the dreaded Facebook. He went out and got so slaughtered that he couldn't go to work today, which will get him in trouble no doubt.

It doesn't sound so big written down, but I'm so angry. I struggle to run a house with two lively toddlers, sort our finances out, do everything and he swans in for one day a week and lives his life as a single man. I need a break, but I never get one. When he's here he sleeps until lunchtime and the kids are up at 5am every day. I have other issues that mean I don't get any time to relax when they are in bed.

So, AIBU? Because I'm sure he'll tell me I am, and I don't want to fight if I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:
pictish · 24/11/2013 19:58

I cannot believe a grown man, who is working comes to the mother of his children who is reliant on benefits, to cadge money for drinking, effectively taking the food from their mouths and the clothing from their backs!!!

MotherofthreeDragons · 24/11/2013 19:59

Op, I was I similar position to you untill very reasently, DP left me on my due date (DD3) any went living the single life to the full whist worming his way back into my life which I stupidly let happen. He had a fantastic time, playing happy families at the weekends he was broke or his mates were busy. My awakening was I realised he wouldn't even FB friend myself or our eldest (ov something to hide) so I stopped the sex. Simple. And guess what? He doesn't want to know me now, bearly speaks to me.

Proof that was needed that I arn't 'the love of his life' that he will love no mater what!

I feel for you, but agree, from experience, he doesn't you and I know how hard this must be for you, but trust me that anger and resentment your feeling now, will only get worse x

pictish · 24/11/2013 20:00

He should be giving money to you!!!!

This is crazy!

HearMyRoar · 24/11/2013 20:01

I think it is often the case that we can convince ourselves that something is fine and normal if we try hard enough. However, once you write it down it is much harder to avoid the cold hard facts of the matter. It seems to me that you would do well to continue writing on this thread and then read it back as if it was a friend of yours.

I think even without the advice of others you will soon have answered your own questions.

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 20:01

I think I will give him an ultimatum. I know I sound like a fucking doormat, but I will know from his reaction whether to end it or not. He's coming over on Thursday so I will be able to do it then.

If I give him until January to find a job here (he lives 40 miles away) and move in, would that be fair?

OP posts:
cantheyseeme · 24/11/2013 20:05

He lives 40 miles away and comes to stay twice a week.... 160 miles....Hmm

Ihavemyownname · 24/11/2013 20:05

Hello op
I lived like this up until a number of months ago.
The best thing I did was say no more, I didn't realise how unhappy I was. I'm young and he was also my first proper partner but honestly it was the best thing iv ever done. I wished I had done it earlier because it is no life and I was so worn down by the whole situation he never gave anything to the realstionship just took all the time. Since leaving I realised that he took because I let him and he didn't love me he just used me

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 20:10

HearMyRoar, I am screaming internally as I write on here. WHY can't I just do it? I don't even know how to break up with someone, let alone how to deal with the feelings of still loving them.

Yes cantheyseeme I often buy his train tickets and he pays me back the next week.

I know what I have to do. I will do what MotherofthreeDragons did and stop the sex and money. He probably will run a mile, and that will be much easier for me than having to do the 'breaking-up'.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/11/2013 20:11

Stop sleeping with him.

WhoNickedMyName · 24/11/2013 20:13

we've gotten over so much already, we can do this as well

No you can't.

Because There is no we in this 'relationship'.

You've got to the point where there is such an imbalance, he doesn't have a scrap of respect for you, I really don't believe there is any coming back from this.

toffeesponge · 24/11/2013 20:14

Fair? No, it would be bloody stupid. Sorry.

He has done nothing a grown up mature potential father and husband should do. If you really feel you must give him another chance stop the money, stop the sex, stop the cooking and washing and see what happens with him them. Don't tell him you are doing this. Just do it.

You deserve better but so do your kids. What goes through their minds when daddy is there one day and not for the next 3? They probably don't know whether they are coming or going.

Who pays for 160 miles of fuel a week?

toffeesponge · 24/11/2013 20:15

Cross posted there. I am so not surprised you pay his train fare. Stop that as well.

cees · 24/11/2013 20:16

He's a prick, taking money away from you and his children so he can get pissed and miss work is not a man you need around for all of one day a week.

Stop letting him take the piss, you have two kids who need you to be strong for them. Daddy dear is dead weight around your neck dragging you and most importantly your kids down.

Get rid of him or get a backbone and use it because right now he is treating you like shit.

puntasticusername · 24/11/2013 20:17

Annie it might be good to first ask him what he thinks a reasonable deadline would be, and work towards agreeing on one that you both think is fair.

Just because regardless of all the rights and wrongs, you're asking him to make some big changes in his life, so if you start out by trying to dictate terms it may risk making you look UR yourself, sort of thing. In fairness, you need to negotiate something that works for you both.

But don't let him get around you! Smile

cantheyseeme · 24/11/2013 20:17

Im amazed this stuff actually happens tbh. No wonder hes got no money to pisd away of his own when he pays so much in fuel, unless you pay that too?

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 20:18

toffeesponge They are fortunately young enough to believe he is at work, and he stays there because its too far to come back every day. I know time is running out on this...

He gets the train, I pay and he pays me back. So me really I suppose.

OP posts:
cantheyseeme · 24/11/2013 20:19

Sorry didnt see your last post, this is madness!!!

puntasticusername · 24/11/2013 20:19

That was in reply to your 20:01 post btw.

As you've said, his reaction to being asked the question at all will probably give you your answer really.

Vivacia · 24/11/2013 20:20

You've got two children aged 2 and younger and you've been taking it slow for the last 18 months??

tinmug · 24/11/2013 20:20

I don't know why I love him, I just do. He can be kind and funny, and just normal. It's not enough though, is it?

No. It's nowhere near enough. None of this is good enough. This is your LIFE - is this really all you want from it? The only person who can change this is you. He sure as shit isn't going to.

catgirl1976 · 24/11/2013 20:21

Wow YANBU

Of course you are annoyed. In fact "annoyed" is so mild a reaction to this situation that I am stunned

I know how hard it is to leave someone you believe you love even when you get nothing back in return, but you really, really need to stop this.

He doesn't "want" to live with you and his two children and lets you struggle as a LP whilst he lives the single life, dropping in when he feels like it? And then he borrows money off you - and lets face it - off his young children to go out on the piss?

Have you got someone you could talk to who knows the situation? It's hard to leave, I know but honestly, you deserve SO much more than this.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 24/11/2013 20:23

Whoa op, you set the bar low. :(

why?

RandomMess · 24/11/2013 20:23

So do you ever go out with your friends when he's staying over so he can look after his dc and you can have a break?

Original poster
ControversialAnnie · 24/11/2013 20:24

I didn't expect this many LTB replies if I'm honest, it's a bit of a shock.

I appreciate I'm probably frustrating you all, trying to keep this 'relationship' going. I just don't think I have it in me to walk away right now, so I' trying to find an easier way for myself.

I like puntasticusername's idea, I don't want to seem unreasonable to him because then I might doubt myself. If I know I'm being fair and he reacts badly then I know what the truth is.

OP posts:
pictish · 24/11/2013 20:24

OP - I am so sorry for you. I know it's going to be a long time yet before you work out that you are being thoroughly taken advantage of, because you are inexperienced and don't know any different. This is your normal.

The problem is, it's no one else's normal by a long shot, and that makes this thread very hard reading. I soooo wish I could somehow transplant the self respect and experience you need, straight into your head, so you could use it now, to get shot of this cockloding inadequate for good.
However, I can't - this is something you're just going to have to learn the hard way in your own time.

I am out of this thread, as I can't bear to read any more. OP I wish you the very best of luck, and send you my warmest regards.
One day you will look back on this and wonder what the fuck you were thinking. I swear. xxxx