To be upset when mums tell me off about DD hitting.

[lill72]

I go to a local soft play and my DD who is 3 is going through a bit of a hitting phase. I really want this phase to go and do everything I can to tell her it is not ok and speak to the nursery frequently about it.

At this soft play, you really let the kids go and you sit and watch. I check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots, but feel like now I should literally sit with her or follow her around. But in some ways, I also feel like a lot of argy bargey goes on at these things and following her everywhere is a little OTT for a 3 year old.

Don't get me wrong - I am horrified that she hits and am not sitting back passively at all. I will be the first to tell her it is wrong etc etc.

What I do not like is when other parents come up and tell me that my DD is 'walloping my child' in a very mean tone. They get very nasty and I leave feel awful as if my child is a monster.

One week I got told off by a woman 'your child was hitting my child' way after the fact, when I was trying to sort out my DD and her DD wanting the same toy. I think her DD had also hit my DD earlier, as she came to me crying.

I dont mind being told, I just think there is a nicer way - like 'I just thought I should let you know - you're daughter has being hitting other children.' nicer tone, nicer words.

I get so incensed/angry/upset at me and my DD who is a very sweet little person -being treated like monsters. I don't want to go again at the moment.

anyone else have the same? what do you reply when someone comes up to you?

Hi OP - I haven't read the whole thread but from what I can tell, you're getting a hammering from a fair few posters. I would just like to say you have my complete sympathy for your situation and I totally get and agree with what you're saying. I've posted in AIBU before (another nickname) and got a complete barrage of rude, insulting replies. You know you're doing your best in terms of parenting, you know your DD is NOT a monster, and you also know she's not perfect (unlike some posters views of their children). Please don't seek empathy from this particular forum as you certainly won't get it. x

needaweetabix - there is absolutely no need to be mortified doing that. The ones who should be mortified are those who sit on their arse saying "Tarquin, don't bite, it isn't nice". The other parents and carers were probably thinking 'good on you'.

lil- I think nursery need a policy too. They need to reinforce what you are doing. It doesn't need to be leaving, it could be being removed from the activity. Or having some form of time out. Whatever you agree with them it should be an immediate and disliked (but obviously proportionate) response. If she is a child who responds to longer term motivation (she's a bit borderline age-wise for that I'd say), you could also think about going back to softplay being a reward when X stickers go on a chart for days without incident.

I thought of one thing, the only time I have lost it with a parent is when she kept insisting that her son hugged mine to say sorry. He had just whacked DD1, who was crying. She didn't bloody well want him hugging her. But the mum kept insisting. I don't suppose you are daft enough to do that, but I'll mention it just in case.

It's also worth remembering that you are judging their response as if they have all the information about you - as if they know that you are doing your best, that it wasn't intentional, etc. They don't know that. They don't know if you blithely ignore your child going round twatting every child in the place. Likewise, you don't know if it's the fourth time their child has been hit that morning, or whatever. So whilst in an ideal world both parties would respond calmly and unemotionally, the reality is that both sides are likely to find this hard and you need to give them the same allowances you give yourself.

lill72 In your position I would be with your DD at all times, not sat in the cafe, checking on her most of the time. She needs constant and active supervision, rather than sitting down where you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting and checking on her lots, it just isn't enough.

It does mean you can't sit and have a conversation with your friend though.

I have a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old, so I have a very realistic understanding of what stage you are dealing with. This is what I think you should do:

1. Follow her around, ready to step immediately if she is going to or does hit a child
2. Immediately remove her from the play area, set 5 minutes on your phone alarm clock and she has to sit quietly with you in the cafe section. Then you both go back to the play area.
3. if she hits again, another 5 minutes in cafe area
4. if she hits a 3rd time, you take her out to your friends car for the remainder of the duration. Even if this is a long time and will be miserable for both of you.

She has to see a serious, and consistent consequence each and every time.

It will ruin your morning out with a friend, no chance to chatter or have a catch up but if you get this sorted you will have a much easier and more relaxing future at all soft plays, toddler groups and birthday parties etc.

thanks only1scoop - I have spoken to the nursery quite a few times as yes she has pushed there as well. We speak so we make sure we are being consistent in what we are saying and I wanted their advice too.

needweetabix - totally feel for you. but yes you did all you could so deep breaths. As everyone says, it will pass!

This has to be a reverse?!?!?
Haven't read the 9 pages but I'm guessing it's all been said already

"Maybe there needs to be greater enforcement of policies in soft play - ie you must supervise under a certain age"

No, I don't agree. I've got one that I have never needed to supervise, I have never seen her in an altercation and never had one reported to me by another mother ever.

My other child, on the other hand...... needs supervision!

It is nothing at all to do with age, much more to do with personality.

You are assuming that this is just a phase for your DD, but in all honesty, if you don't get it sorted it won't be a phase and she will still be doing it when she is 4 and so on.

It is all the other posters saying it is' just a phase' - I wasn't assuming anything. Of course I want to get it under control!

I was merely putting a suggestion re: soft play out, not what I think must happen.

Goodness lots of people make lots of wrong assumptions on this thread!!

To follow up from my previous post, 3yo DS also hits out from time to time. He went through a really bad patch just after DD was born and I started a zero-tolerance rule for all public activities: he misbehaved badly/hit and we went straight home. This sometimes we only got as far as the changing room at swimming and I did have to grit my teeth at the amount I was spending on 5 minutes a time at soft play, mininastics etc. but it did work. Painful all round, especially for me when I just wanted a break from newborn/toddler madness, but he got the message and things had calmed down a lot within a month. The looks I got from some of the other parents as I was putting DS's shoes back on after barely taking them off were priceless; they think I am a super-strict mean mum :o

"Not wanting to derail the thread but my 11 month old is a biter, he's only ever bitten me though in other people's experience does a biting baby grow into a biting toddler/child"

DS used to bite me a lot, and sometimes DH (if DH tried to kiss/cuddle me!). He also did the vampire head back, mouth open, running from the other side of the room.

He is now 2.3 and so far, has never bitten anyone else or another child. He hasn't bitten me in months and again just gently bites DH if DH cuddles me. (more of a protest than to hurt!)

Sorry for hijack, PMing didn't work!

I'm not just assuming that you think it is a phase, I am basing it on your own use of the 'its a phase' in your OP actually, not what others have said at all.

You said in your OP:
my DD who is 3 is going through a bit of a hitting phase
I really want this phase to go

then in your second post:
but it is a phase many go through.

it will pass

it will not just pass

it will pass if you put the effort in to make sure it does.

Well phase means something will pass - ie she will not be doing it until she is 18!

You assume I am being passive because I am saying it is a phase - this is just not the case.

I ask nursery every time how she has being and what I can do. I watch her like a hawk everywhere - for some reason ironically not at this soft play. It is the only place. I have learnt the error of my ways.

paperlantern - read the whole thread and then get back to me!

I'm not trying to have an argument, I tried to make my original post quite helpful, giving practical advice about what I have found to be effective and explaining that as a fellow mum of a 3 year old ( and a 4yr old) I have a realistic understanding of your situation.

I'm not assuming you were being passive at all. I based all my comments on what you, not others, have said.

You said that at the soft play "you really let the kids go and you sit and watch. I check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots"

That is passive supervision, I am making no assumptions at all. Active supervision is staying with her, I know that sucks a bit, because frankly its nicer to use the time to have a chat with a friend and have a catch up (one of the main reasons I bother with soft play at all)

And FWIW, I'm a secondary teacher and yes, some will still be doing it at 18 - boys and girls.

I think unfortunately some children do go on doing it to 18 and beyond. I am NOT saying that your dd will, it sounds as if you have the situation in hand. However some things are definitely a phase - I knew that my 15 month old would not be wanting to sleep in my bed and bf when they were 15. Of the 3/4 year olds that I have known who hit/punched / kicked/ bit, most have stopped doing it, but some haven't even by 7/9yrs. The ones with inconsistent or less firm responses when they were little. They haven't learnt how to control their behaviour and react appropriately. They are having to learn it at school and potentially through the criminal justice system.

I am sorry but if someone comes up to me attacking me about my child in a calm not agrressive tone, how am I supposed to calm and not upset? And speak calmy back to them? It is very hard to feel calm in this situation.

Maybe those parents have bitten their tongue a fair few times already by the time they come and talk to you?

From what I can gather it's your DC who's spoiling it for their DCs. Please don't think you have the moral high ground in this situation, or that they are BU. You need to take off your judgey pants, swallow your pride, follow your DC around.

Does your DC hit other children if she knows you can see her?

If she hits and you see her (which you should as you should be following her around,) IMHO, you should take your child to the parents and apologise. It shouldn't be left for them to come and tell you!

And as I've already said, if it were my DC, she'd have her shoes on and be in the car quicker than you could say 'it's naughty to hit!'

It sounds like she needs actions rather than words.

If you don't deal with it appropriately it will get out of hand!

Thanks twothree I appreciate it

not read the whole thread but my 9 month old nearly had her eye gauged out by an unsupervised 3 year old so yabvu - your child your responsible ffs! i shouldnt have to batter other kids off of my baby! either supervise or bloody well stay at home.

I think you misunderstood Aurynne's nasty bully comment.

I don't think she was calling your child a nasty bully. She was saying that another 3 year old won't know your child is going through a stage, to them she is just a nasty bully who has just hurt them.

you really think these things go away by themselves?

I've read the thread.

ps kids do pick up on your attitude. your response to the other parent should be apologetic and conciliatory. not blaming them for pointing out the failure of your parenting.

I am very glad you will be more supervisory in future

Bithchin - i do appreciate the comments and suggestions.

what I am trying to say is that I do supervise her under every single situation - as she is an escapee and esp outdoors I like to know exactly where she is at all times. I think in most situations I am almost OTT. Maybe taking the lead from my friend and knowing the soft play is enclosed so they are safe, I thought it was ok to sit back slightly. But o it isnt and I have said I will change from my earlier posts. I think going back to what I have said earlier ignores what I am now saying in later posts. I have learnt much from this forum.

so whilst I said in the specific situation of soft play, i was not supervising as much as I should have been, I have mentioned over and over since that I will be much more active from now on. I stress, this (one particular soft play) is honestly the only situation I am like this. reasons explained above.

Firstly- good for you for not being passive. So many mums I know just sit there and don't do a thing....me? I'd make them say sorry to the children they've punched/bitten, take them home and put them to bed.

I agree with you, there are nicer ways of saying things - I remember being at a soft play center and two older children were calling my toddler a poo head, stupid face, etc. I went and spoke to the mum and she was mortified, we then ended up having a cuppa and sitting together for the rest of our stay :)

So many shitty responses on here for a genuine post from a mum who needs help. FFS.

Don't go to soft play - those places scare the life out of me. Taker her to the park or for walk through the woods

Just for 2goaty. My dd (4) bit twice at 13 months. She bit me both times and has never bitten anyone since. My reaction at the time was a very loud 'ow' and putting her straight down. Cue lots of tears but it seemed to work!

paperlantern - I do not for a second think these things go away by themselves.

thanks for your condescending PS -of course I'm aware of little people picking on their parents. IN most situations I am nothing but apologetic to people. In fact my DD starting saying sorry to people in the street too often, as she picked up my DH and I are always apologetic about everything!!!! But if I am spoken to rudely, I will get myself and the DD out of the situation as I have every time and walk away. I cannot apologise to someone that is rude to me. I will make no apologies for this. Sorry. What example are they setting to their children btw?