To be upset when mums tell me off about DD hitting.

[lill72]

I go to a local soft play and my DD who is 3 is going through a bit of a hitting phase. I really want this phase to go and do everything I can to tell her it is not ok and speak to the nursery frequently about it.

At this soft play, you really let the kids go and you sit and watch. I check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots, but feel like now I should literally sit with her or follow her around. But in some ways, I also feel like a lot of argy bargey goes on at these things and following her everywhere is a little OTT for a 3 year old.

Don't get me wrong - I am horrified that she hits and am not sitting back passively at all. I will be the first to tell her it is wrong etc etc.

What I do not like is when other parents come up and tell me that my DD is 'walloping my child' in a very mean tone. They get very nasty and I leave feel awful as if my child is a monster.

One week I got told off by a woman 'your child was hitting my child' way after the fact, when I was trying to sort out my DD and her DD wanting the same toy. I think her DD had also hit my DD earlier, as she came to me crying.

I dont mind being told, I just think there is a nicer way - like 'I just thought I should let you know - you're daughter has being hitting other children.' nicer tone, nicer words.

I get so incensed/angry/upset at me and my DD who is a very sweet little person -being treated like monsters. I don't want to go again at the moment.

anyone else have the same? what do you reply when someone comes up to you?

misfitless - have said about ten times I now attend to follow or not go.

paperlantern - you have not read all my posts if you think I am saying the problem is going to go away.

This is exactly why I rarely do soft play as my son is a bit of a hitter which is thankfully, calming down. I could not be arsed to follow him around so we went for walks, the parks etc even when raining.

No-one really wants to follow their child the whole time in soft play, I know I certainly did not so I chose not to go. It sucks having a child that hits and it can be very difficult to deal with. Having to remove your child every time they hit out is tiring and also in the case of my child you'd think I was murdering him due to his protests at being removed. It's embarrassing but necessary and my DS is slowly stopping to hit out.

Good luck and removed her every time and make her sit out for a certain amount of time so she can calm down and join back in. It won't be fun or relaxing for you but your daughter will learn.

YABU I followed all mine round until they were through that stage. not a time to sit and relax if your child hits.

judgejudith - a few months ago I would have thought your case was rather exceptional however, I have come to the conclusion that the reason why most children don't behave worse than they do is because they know their parents are watching.

OP, I feel for you. It is really hard to stop children from doing this kind of behaviour (DS was a nightmare for a while) and it is equally hard when other parents get involved. The only way through it is to be consistent and then hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

It is a phase isn't it? Of course one that needs managing but a phase nonetheless.

Anyway what's the point splitting hairs over the details in the OP when she is repeatedly saying she is going to follow the advice given on thread.

OP someone suggested up thread that you do a 'three strikes and you're out' approach. Please don't. Make it one strike. She attempts to hit and you take her away, every single time. She is plenty old enough to understand and exercise some degree of self control.

if I was condescending it was in response to being told to read the thread

if you were nothing but apologetic you wouldn't be upset about other parents telling you off.

Your overwhelming emotion would be bloody ashamed that your child had done that. On the rare occasions I couldn't intervene in time, I certainly was for me.

but this was the third time this had happened to you and your first thought is what's wrong with them.

i am it takes a bunch of strangers to point out to sitting with a coffee when you know your child struggles in that environment might be a wrong move and not elicit the best response from others.

perhaps what they're kids are picking up from they're attitude is that it's not ok to hit or be hit. I'm cool with that

yes if you came on asking for help my response personally would have been very different. I would have been commenting on how the design of playframes makes a big difference and the need to teach social skills.

I've checked - you said it 2/3 times, and OK, I get it you're going to watch her from now on.

I would have been nothing but supportive and understanding if you hadn't made yourself out to be the wronged parent.

You can focus on whichever bit of my post you prefer, but I think I've posted some fairly constructive comments.

K8

Good summary

OP

I wet through this. It's horrible, and tiring.. It will pass, and it's not uncommon, and she is a lovely child and will be alright in the end. But you can't just leave things as they are.

Apologising is neither here nor there, IMO. Avoidance is the key. Hunger and over-excitement set my DS2 off on one of his sprees. Soft play was just not right for him except for small doses. If she starts - leave.

Assuming you are for real...

You. need. to. parent. your. child.

Oh Shit

I only read the first page.

It sounds like your kid is a pain in the arse and you don't like facing that fact. I had a friend who's kid used to wallop mine and she used the excuse they're just kids being kids, uh no, my kid never hits other children and this 'friend' turned very nasty on me when I called her on it. You sound the same. Supervise properly or don't go.

Id ban some of you lot from softplay. You cant play nicely at all.

Your think your kid never hits anyone, and she thinks her kid never hits anyone.

Wowsers, hate to be on one of your playdates.

and again it will not pass if you don't take steps to ensure it does.

they just learn not to do it in your sight

I can play nice. sometimes

wonders whether AIBU is mumsnet equivalent to soft play

Haha yes. And the ballpit at that!

I think op has got it now.

Yeah think I got it!

Harold - thank you for your comments. You bring some sense to some of these crazy comments!

Monkeynuts really? Some people are just nasty - how do you make assumptions about my DD? It is ridiculous and so far from the truth it makes me laugh! You are bullies yourself - this does feel like the soft play of mums!

No one's bullying anyone - I think you've just hit a raw nerve. Maybe some of our DCs have been battered around a bit by children whose parents have been arsey and defensive when it's been brought to their attention.

we are not bullies just because we told you something in strong terms you didn't expect to hear.

no body has said anything with the specific purpose of making you feel bad.

But mums that don't supervise children who hit at soft play provoke strong feelings, both from those of us whose kids have been hit and those of us who have scrambled through the wretched things to prevent it happening.

I am dipping in and out of this thread, but have to say I am at someone's suggestion at 3 strikes and you're out. No no no! You mustn't let your child be allowed to hit 3 times before any proper consequence. Three strikes is for slightly naughty behaviour - like taking a toy off another child, or shouting, or my DS went though a growling stage (to me...if he growled at another child that classed as aggressive and we'd go home)...that was worth a strike.

But any violent or aggressive behaviour has to be Zero Tolerence. Warn your DD before you go that hitting is not allowed and you will leave if she hits and stick to it. It doesn't matter if you haven't finished your coffee or if you are having a nice chat with your friend. She hits, you leave. That is the only way she will learn it is unacceptable.

Your DD is not a monster at all...she, like my DS was at that age (he was a biter) a lovely child who's still learning. She'll get there and it will pass. Good luck

Put yourself in the OPs shoes. DD has only recently started this. Luckily for me my DS has been up to these tricks for over a year. I've learned how to deal with it, OP has taken advice regards dealing with it.

So I don't understand why people are still coming on thread for no other reason than have a pop. No need.

Harold, was that aimed at me? Not sure if it was...but just to say, I'm not having a pop at OP...I'm on her side, I've been there, I had a biter. I was having a pop at the person who I thought gave poor advice. OP's DD is still learning what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behaviour. Ime the best way to teach this is to be clear and be consistent, not some airy fairy 'well it's ok to hit 3 times but after that it becomes unacceptable'.

Not all all coffee!