To be upset when mums tell me off about DD hitting.

[lill72]

I go to a local soft play and my DD who is 3 is going through a bit of a hitting phase. I really want this phase to go and do everything I can to tell her it is not ok and speak to the nursery frequently about it.

At this soft play, you really let the kids go and you sit and watch. I check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots, but feel like now I should literally sit with her or follow her around. But in some ways, I also feel like a lot of argy bargey goes on at these things and following her everywhere is a little OTT for a 3 year old.

Don't get me wrong - I am horrified that she hits and am not sitting back passively at all. I will be the first to tell her it is wrong etc etc.

What I do not like is when other parents come up and tell me that my DD is 'walloping my child' in a very mean tone. They get very nasty and I leave feel awful as if my child is a monster.

One week I got told off by a woman 'your child was hitting my child' way after the fact, when I was trying to sort out my DD and her DD wanting the same toy. I think her DD had also hit my DD earlier, as she came to me crying.

I dont mind being told, I just think there is a nicer way - like 'I just thought I should let you know - you're daughter has being hitting other children.' nicer tone, nicer words.

I get so incensed/angry/upset at me and my DD who is a very sweet little person -being treated like monsters. I don't want to go again at the moment.

anyone else have the same? what do you reply when someone comes up to you?

[Lilacroses]

Forgive me OP, I actually can't remember if I've posted on here or not! Slightly odd, sorry! I think you have to accept that when people see their child getting thumped it is upsetting for them and they feel naturally protective of their child. If they then sense that the parent/carer of the child is not supervising them they feel all the more annoyed. That is why they come up to you in an angry way. I don't think you can expect anything else tbh.

I've had friends with kids who thump, many of them have grown out of it pretty quickly and I know it IS upsetting for you but you just have to supervise your child really, really carefully. I honestly wouldn't go to soft play and leave them unsupervised in your shoes and I say that as someone who had to be literally on top of my Dd when she was that age because she was incredibly nervous and shy so leaving her to it was never an option. I was never able to just sit and enjoy a coffee and leave her to it.

Unfortunately I know what aurynne means. We had friends with siblings that thumped and kicked others constantly. They did bugger all to stop them but were horrified the one time another child hit their child. It was immensely frustrating to hear them complaining about it, I dared to say "well, yes, that must've been upsetting but you know how it is because your children have thumped others before".....it was as if I'd told them black was white!

[CertifiedAccountant]

But your not defending yourself, you are just being defensive. People have responded to you in the same tone you have posted in.

Has it ever occurred to you that your reaction to the criticism you feel you have received both on this forum and at the soft play has been made out by you to be far more critical than it ever was.

After all moving a child away from another child who is hitting them is hardly treating the "hitter" like a leper, is it? It's just common sense.

[lill72]

certified accountant - I am allowed to defend myself. You seem to get a tirade of abuse amongst the other helpful critisism.

I am mortified at my child's behaviour, but there is no excuse to be rude to people.

OTT - have you seen some of the comments - they are OTT. I am sorry but I am not used to this forum. Everyone seems to make sweeping judgments and assumptions over the smallest comments made. You cannot win either way.

[CertifiedAccountant]

I'm sorry OP, but you can't claim that the soft play is the only place she isn't heavily supervised if she is a "bit of an escapee".

I find your attitude and overall defensiveness really OTT, your daughter has hurt other children, if other parents were telling me my DD was "whalloping" other kids I would be mortified, not getting all snippy with them. I think this thread would have been half the length if you hadn't of had such attitude.

[lill72]

wing and strings - my DD was the most placid thing until about 2.5 when this started. so what you are saying about your experience does not hold. I am on her all the time, telling her off - the soft play was a mistake to leave her, but have only been there 3 times and this was the only place she has ever been not heavily supervised. I am horrified by her behaviour and it us deeply upsetting - to think I am not disicplining her is just absurd. Trust me, I want this to go and soon as possible - if you read the whole thing, you will see this...

[wingsandstrings]

I think that there's no call for someone to be aggressive or rude to you. However it is frustrating when your child is hurt by another child and you feel that the parent/carer of the child doing the hurting is not taking effective action. If she hits even once I would immediately remove her from play and sit her out for 5 mins, if she then does it again I would take her home. I obviously don't know your daughter, however I have to say that in my many years of toddler groups/nursery/soft play etc the only children I've come across who have persistently hit or bitten past the age of about 18mths have had parents who haven't disciplined them consistently and firmly on the issue (or they've had SEN, in which case the discipline may not be appropriate).

[aurynne]

As it happens, this problem will solve itself the moment the OP's DD hits a child who will hit her back 3 times as hard.

I bet she will then be the "offended parent" being rude to the other child's mum. And will completely miss the irony of it.

[NewtRipley]

Exactly flatwhite

I had one child who used to hit and one who used to get hit by others at toddler groups. Both were upsetting, and frustrating.

OP knows what she needs to do now.

[flatwhite]

Many posters are berating OP for being too preoccupied with her own feelings and there also seems to be a theme that somehow feeling distressed equates to not giving a shit about others.
We cannot always help our emotional responses- esp if we are being told off like we are a naughty school girl (even if reprimander is totally justified in their argument). If it was any of you at receiving end of cross mum criticising your child or parenting I'll bet you any money that even the most balanced / or thick skinned of you would feel the knock. It can be difficult to think rationally when you are landed in these sort of situations- even if it was you who provoked things in the first place.
Give the OP a break! I am sure she was looking for some support (as well as advice).

[SoupDragon]

Bet you're not half as upset as the parents of the child your DD has thumped.

[MysteriousHamster]

OP you are listening to an extent but you're also still playing the victim.

If your kid had hit mine more than once I would've struggled to find a 'nice tone' to tell you about it. It's not my job to do that. It's your job to watch your kid. Don't say I don't understand, I know lots of three-year-olds. Mine isn't a hitter but some of his friends have been, in which case their parents watch them a lot and I appreciate that they do and that it isn't easy for them.

It can suck but it's just the way it is. If you let her go off on her own it is your decision to do that - own it. You made a mistake. Now you know not to do it again. Accept that, don't start talking about tone.

I went to a soft play at the weekend, but we were super lucky and it was empty so we mostly sat nearby but didn't actively supervise and the kids were great. If any others had been there, I would've watched more carefully. If my son was a biter, I might not have physically been able to get in this softplay, but I would've stood and watched at the sides, not sat down at a table.

Judge the situation and supervise. Don't let her go off freely just because your friends kids are more gentle. Don't be embarrassed that you have to watch - it is what it is at that age.

You can go out, you can see people, but you also have to take responsibility.

[Pogosticks]

One of mine was a biter. It's horrible it really is. She was bloody fast as well and had an adult shadow at home, soft play, nursery, and she still sunk her teeth into other children.

If its any consolation she is now the kindest member of her class, popular, caring, confident and a credit to us and to her amazing key worker at the time.

[NewtRipley]

Good post Coffee


Some people don't read the thread

Some people can't imagine a child of theirs being like this and therefore feel free to be objectionable to the OP and/or her child

[HaroldTheGoat]

This is a topic dear to my heart too, as I am going through it right now.

I do agree with you about parents not doing anything, but just feel sorry that OP is still getting a bashing when she has said she will start to do all these suggestions.

I had a verbal battering from three parents from the same crowd once, awful. DS was playing really nicely, my cousin was watching him, I was just packing my bag up and within 30 seconds he flipped and ran into a crowd and scractched three girls, they assumed that I was a crap ineffectual parent when I really am not, I apologised and put him into the pram and said I am very sorry, I will take him straight home. Then the second one came over and had another go, then one more. It was totally not necessary. It can happen so quickly sometimes, and even though I took suitable action they werent going to be happy unless I stuck forks in my legs.

Soft play is full of bastards I suppose.

Anyway, that was the last one I went to in a long time. SCARRED.

[Bazoo23]

wow quintessentialshadows. You must be SO PROUD. what an odd post.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Paper, fwiw, I don't disagree with anything you are saying.

In my previous posts I have said that OP is not watching her DD adequately and if she was, then no other parent would need to come up to her and tell her that her DD has been hitting. And yes I agree that not supervising your child in these places - especially when there is an issue with hitting - is inexcusable.

My DS is 5 now but when he was a 2.5 or 3 he went through a biting stage. I never avoided soft play during this phase, but I would follow my DS around like a shadow. I NEVER had a parent come up to me and complain about his biting because I made damn sure I never gave them a chance...I was there intervening first. And (blows own trumpet) I was pretty shit hot at the zero tolerence thing...any agressive or violent behaviour and we went home. I never wobbled on this EVER. I think I was lucky that my DS learnt quickly what would and would not be tolerated and he's a delight now.

I too get infuriated when parents don't watch their children and have on several occasions been the person to speak to the parent of a hitter who hasn't been watching. I'm not sympathising with the OP on this.

But I do sympathise with the fact that she is going through a difficult time with her DD and doesn't know how best to deal with it. I and several others have given advice on how she could better deal with this phase and she has admitted she could and should be doing more and taken the advice on board. Others seem to come on AIBU with the sole intention of hurling abuse at the OP when she's clearly feeling quite vulnerable, pointing out her shortcomings as a parent and calling her child a monster/pain in the arse. I've been on the receiving end of this on AIBU before and it's horrible. I don't understand why people do it when they could be giving support and constructive advice instead.

[paperlantern]

actually it's a topic rather close to my hear. ds has sn. I had to work damn hard to sort him out hitting. We reintroduced soft play very carefully.

it annoyed the heck out of me those mum's that didn't bother.

One day he was very viciously attacked. I pulled the other kid off an comforted my ds.

The mum's reaction (when I tracked her down with her coffee). "oh well you can't watch them all the time"

yes you can I did it. There's no bloody excuse

the number of kids I personally had to tell off or fetch the mum. a few years back I could have been that other mum.

you would be amazed how often you either faced the apathy in the op or worse "oh no my little..... would never have done that.

Yeah I'm like a dog with a bone and damn proud of it. more people should be. because soft play should be Lord of the flies. the more people the op hears it from the better.

[paperlantern]

Harold - I had dropped it. but I replied in response to coffee.

admittedly I probably shouldn't have risen to it.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Pots and kettles paper. You call a 3yo a pain in the arse and then criticise me for a personal attack?! Laughable!

[ZombieMojaveWonderer]

Hmmm if you were watching your child properly and making sure she is behaving then maybe other parents wouldn't have any reason to complain about your child. I wouldn't let my 3 year old wander about unwatched even for a minute especially if she had form for hitting.

[HaroldTheGoat]

The OP has taken these suggestions on board.

Paper your like a dog with a bleeding bone!

[paperlantern]

coffee
I think you need to re look at the definition of a personal attack.

but I suspect you knew that an figured it would be a while before the post was deleted and so worth it whilst you could get away with it.

much like a child who hits in soft play. but by the time you've grown up you are expected to have grown out of it.

[paperlantern]

actually a child that does hit in soft play is just that.

It means whoever is about has to discipline the child whilst frantically looking forward the responsible adult. if you are trying to discipline your child it makes that job ten times harder because they see another child hitting unchecked. that and your also having to comfort the child that has been hurt.

A child who hits unchecked is in soft play to everyone around. thing is whilst they may a pain. it isn't actually they fault.

[FudgefaceMcZ]

Eh, a 3 yo is not a baby, they can speak and reason. They don't have much empathy, but they can understand "if you hit anyone, we will be leaving the soft play". At least they would if you said it then carried through every time it happened. Yes, I have had difficult 3yos- they both understood that hitting or biting another child meant going straight home after a couple of times though, and stopped.