To be upset when mums tell me off about DD hitting.

[lill72]

I go to a local soft play and my DD who is 3 is going through a bit of a hitting phase. I really want this phase to go and do everything I can to tell her it is not ok and speak to the nursery frequently about it.

At this soft play, you really let the kids go and you sit and watch. I check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots, but feel like now I should literally sit with her or follow her around. But in some ways, I also feel like a lot of argy bargey goes on at these things and following her everywhere is a little OTT for a 3 year old.

Don't get me wrong - I am horrified that she hits and am not sitting back passively at all. I will be the first to tell her it is wrong etc etc.

What I do not like is when other parents come up and tell me that my DD is 'walloping my child' in a very mean tone. They get very nasty and I leave feel awful as if my child is a monster.

One week I got told off by a woman 'your child was hitting my child' way after the fact, when I was trying to sort out my DD and her DD wanting the same toy. I think her DD had also hit my DD earlier, as she came to me crying.

I dont mind being told, I just think there is a nicer way - like 'I just thought I should let you know - you're daughter has being hitting other children.' nicer tone, nicer words.

I get so incensed/angry/upset at me and my DD who is a very sweet little person -being treated like monsters. I don't want to go again at the moment.

anyone else have the same? what do you reply when someone comes up to you?

snowbility - clearly you have not been on the other end of things at a soft play.

I am not blaming the others for how I feel - just saying it could be dealt with more calmly. I do accept I have been in the wrong - but I was not meaning to under-supervise. I just was overestimating my 3 year old to be better behaved. From no on, I will have high supervision.

Op, not meaning to patronise you, but I have read through thread after last night and can honestly say it seems to me that you have taken the criticism and some of the valuable advice really well. It would be a perfect world wouldn't it if all our little 'angels' would NEVER hit and seldom push n shove....but it's life and they go through these stages.

Good luck

Fair enough, Harold. Aibu is a rough place to hang out in!

I still follow my nearly-4 year old around at soft play, sorry. There are some parents who sit and chat and let their toddlers run around by themselves and most of the time their small child either follows me around trying to get me to play with them or is hitting/shoving/biting other children. That is really annoying. I'd love to be sitting in the cafe too but it's not anyone else's job to entertain or supervise my child.

lill72 if it happens again shoot them in the face.hth

I have never approached a parent for their child hitting mine because they were nowhere to be seen. Lill maybe you'd be annoyed if it felt like every time you visited soft play your child ended up in tears because they were being hit by another child...it's very upsetting and very bloody annoying and it would never occur to me to feel sorry for you....and it still doesn't.

Generally parents will deal with things calmly if they can see that the other parent has immediately reacted and responded by removing their child. From my observations the pissed off parents come when children who are hitting aren't being watched - basically its not the 'naughty' child which causes the issue but the parent.

I am glad that this thread has made you think twice about how you supervise your daughter when at soft play, hopefully that will make it a nicer experience for everyone!

OP I have a biter & pincher/scratcher/gouger - my sympathies.

Well done for taking on the advice on here, really the only solution is to hover like a fecking Chinook every time you're around other children, boring but necessary.

I've been at it for over a year. Fecking long 'phase', but as DS is only 2.5 I'm constantly being told he'll grow out of it soon... In the meantime, I hover, read books about not biting, and remind him "No touching faces" before he goes near other children.

One thing I'd add tho is that you've said a couple of times that you often see other kids pushing/shoving/hitting at Soft Play - this is surely why your DD thinks its especially ok there? She'll see bigger kids doing it and be reminded that she has arms and can do it too. It's like a pint-sized domino effect, they all "Monkey see, monkey do"!
I loathe our nearest big Soft Play for that exact reason, too rough, and too big for me to closely supervise my little Dracula.
Best avoided until you know she has her fisticuffs under control.

Re the rude parents, sorry, but you just have to swallow it. You don't have to be happy about it or smile, but do always say sorry. It's the right thing to do, their rudeness doesn't change that.

As you say OP it is a phase, lots of DC go through it. I have both a DD and a DS and been at opposite sides of this. DD was treated like a punchbag quite a few times and I used to be raging about what I perceived to be parents who did fuck all about their DCs behaviour while mine was sobbing and nursing a bruise/bite and once a fat lip and black eye A lot of the time the parents weren't doing anything because they were oblivious to what their child had done because they were not watching them. I removed DD from slides/ballpits a few times if I saw hitters/biters/headbutters come our way, I dont think of this is as rude at all but merely preventing the inevitable from happening. I'd be a pretty lousy mother really if I watched and waited for my child to be hurt wouldn't I?

DS (2 and a half) on the other hand has been a hitter. I follow him round/watch him constantly. This helps in 2 ways: 1 I see him the second he goes for someone and deal with it there and then, thus preventing a huge fall out with anyone. and 2 he often realises he's being watched so has learnt to stop otherwise mummy will be cross and stop him playing. He's calmed down and plays a lot better than before because he's being watched [knocks on wood]

I have never had anyone "nasty" comments from any parents at all about either of my DCs' behaviour at those places but quite a few sympathetic "I know how you feel" eye rolls. I think you have got these so called nasty comments because in other peoples' eyes, you are not watching your DD properly and as a result she is hitting their child. You say she is a sweetie but to these parents she's not. She's the "mean" child who's hurt their's.

snowbility - I understand - it must be awful to have your children upset
and hurt. I get that.

Not following at soft play is a new thing for me - I have only been to this place I mention 4 times. Prior to this I went to soft plays where you had to be in there with them all the time as it was potentially dangerous. This one seemed safe for them on their own and this is where I wrongly assumed it was ok to leave DD alone.

Why I get upset is because I get approached and attacked about something I don't know about. I totally get it is my fault for not knowing about and going forward will not let this be the case. I will follow her. But it wasn't intentional and I wasn't meaning to under-supervise. I am not excusing my behaviour, but explaining my perspective. It is just someone coming up and attacking you that has upset. I now see it their perspective. If you could just understand mine?

It is awful to be seen as a parent who is not looking after their child - it makes one feel mortifed to be viewed that way.

Maybe there needs to be greater enforcement of policies in soft play - ie you must supervise under a certain age.

totally agree andharry - I will be like a hawk from now on. In the playground ironically I am the overly protective parent watching DD every second!

Thank you only1scoop - I have learnt lots and now have a firm plan of action in place. Have been wording DD on 'leaving policy' as we speak. I am not sure how to keep this consistency at nursery, as they are not going to send her home and at the prices I pay, I do not want to suggest this! Do you think the consistency from me and DH is enough?

You seem to have taken the advice of posters on board OP with regards to realising you need to stay closer to your dc at soft play, remove from soft play, buying a book to encourage understanding etc, that's great you've got some helpful advice for managing this in the future.

However you still seem to be making this all about yourself, 'why can't people have a nicer attitude when telling me my child has just hit theirs?' Regardless of whether you have had a child who's a hitter before, most parents can understand that 3 year old's go through these phases, it's the attitude of the 3 year old's parent that they are probably more irritated at. Earlier this week my child was at soft play, sitting on a step playing with a ball when another child walked over and smacked him on the face out of the blue, knocking him off the step. The mother immediately lifted her child away, told him it was wrong, made him apologise and sat him in time out beside her. My response was to thank her for her reaction and tell her my son would be fine. If this parent had been sitting having a cuppa with a friend and not watching my reaction may have been different. This is where the problem lies. You have said you immediately remove your child when they hit, but then you also said THREE other mothers removed their children from your child's reach, so you obviously hadn't removed your child and they had to do what was necessary to keep their own children safe.

You seem to be open to suggestions about how to resolve this issue, I would suggest you put yourself in the other mothers' shoes (I know my heart feels like breaking for my baby when they are hurt by another child) before getting defensive about their tone/ language when having to tell you what your child has been doing.

parents are going to be mad at you if you aren't first on the scene of and incident and they have to get you from your coffee to sort out your child. no you can't see everywhere when you are sat so you shouldn't be sat once you know you might have an issue.

I have never forgotten what it is like having a screaming child at a family show because I never did I took the child out before anyone had need to comment.

before you say I don't remember what it is like. I can tell you bitterly what it was like. it took a hell of a lot of parenting before ds with sn could manage aoft play.

Not wanting to derail the thread but my 11 month old is a biter, he's only ever bitten me though in other people's experience does a biting baby grow into a biting toddler/child

Sorry OP, but I wouldn't leave my children in a ball pit with a child who was hitting them. It's not fair -why should they put up with being smacked when they are trying to play? Surely it's more polite that insisting you remove your child?! I certainly wouldn't "have a go" at you-I completely understand that children go through phases-however I would be pissed off if you didn't apologise, or get your DD to say sorry.
My DS was badly bitten (think blood) at a soft play once. The parent of the biter immediately apologised profusely and took their child straight home. That was fine with me-I was obviously upset that my son had been hurt and was upset, but I understood that this sometimes happens and the parent was a) watching their child closely and b) followed through with an apology and punishment. By not apologising yourself, particularly in front of your DD, you are not showing her that her actions are wrong at all. I actually think that seeing her play mates being removed when she is "naughty" is a positive step to getting through this phase-if she does not play nicely, then nobody will want to play with her.
I think that avoiding soft play for now is a good idea. Try to discourage the shoving, hitting games at her group and follow through with whatever actions you threaten, be it going home/leaving play, time out or missing a treat. It WILL pass!

Op Nursey will be there just as support if you speak to them re her hitting....I bet she has never even done it there....Please don't worry and make this a bigger issue than it is. You sound like a lovely mum and believe me they all do these things now and then....x

Well, thank goodness for MN. I've just returned from toddler group during which my 2.5 yr old DS bit another child. I always watch him like a hawk as I know he is going through this phase but this time I simply wasn't quick enough... I'd just turned round to pay my subs at the kitchen hatch and I heard this scream.. there he was, sinking his jaws in. It's not the first time he's done it, but I'd only issued time-outs before. This time we left immediately after I'd marched him over to the injured party and apologised profusely (the mum didn't say much at all, I think she was shell-shocked). We were a sight on the way home; DS crying 'cos he's desperate to go back and play and me blubbing 'cos I feel so mortified by the whole situation. The walk of shame through the playgroup with the screaming 'biter' makes me cringe just thinking about it as does all the people looking at us (I don't know the people there very well at all, part of the reason I pursue this is to make new friends) Still having read this post it's made me realise that people mean it when they say it is "just a phase" - I've never seen any biting at my group so yeah I did feel a bit of a leper. It's my first post BTW so be kind..!

Sorry, just read your last post OP-I missed it. Well done for taking it on the chin and putting some new actions in place-fingers crossed for you!

neeaweetabix- tbh your handling of the situation was spot on. from experience I doubt anyone would have a problem with that.

Well done needweetabix you probably need a glass of wine now though! I think most people understand that phases happen...you dealt with it - you taught your ds a lesson by leaving, he will remember that the next time you go - remind him anyway of the consequences - the other parents will be applauding your swift and firm reaction. Soft play should be good for both of you...once the rules are established and followed.

Nothing else you could do needa well done

Was he a biting baby, I need to know what I'm in for!!

ah thanks paperlantern - that's kind. Feeling better about it and might brave toddler group next week now. Some great advice on this thread.

Weetabix....

Weetabix- sounds like you handled things fantastically-I'm honestly sure that most other parents were cringing FOR you rather than being cross. I always tend to be thinking "I've been there!" and hopefully giving a sympathetic look to make them fe better! Trust me, I remember manhandling/under arm carrying my screeching 2 year old DD from Toys R Us when I was 36 weeks pregnant when she had the tantrum of all tantrums on the floor because I wouldn't buy her a particular toy. Everyone stared, I was bright red and sweating-horrendous. All I could think was how terrible everyone thought I was. Outside a lovely man and women came up and asked if I was okay and that they knew how I felt-it was really nice! So try not to imagine everyone is judgy pantsing you! None of us have 100% angels all the time ;)