To be upset when mums tell me off about DD hitting.

[lill72]

I go to a local soft play and my DD who is 3 is going through a bit of a hitting phase. I really want this phase to go and do everything I can to tell her it is not ok and speak to the nursery frequently about it.

At this soft play, you really let the kids go and you sit and watch. I check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots, but feel like now I should literally sit with her or follow her around. But in some ways, I also feel like a lot of argy bargey goes on at these things and following her everywhere is a little OTT for a 3 year old.

Don't get me wrong - I am horrified that she hits and am not sitting back passively at all. I will be the first to tell her it is wrong etc etc.

What I do not like is when other parents come up and tell me that my DD is 'walloping my child' in a very mean tone. They get very nasty and I leave feel awful as if my child is a monster.

One week I got told off by a woman 'your child was hitting my child' way after the fact, when I was trying to sort out my DD and her DD wanting the same toy. I think her DD had also hit my DD earlier, as she came to me crying.

I dont mind being told, I just think there is a nicer way - like 'I just thought I should let you know - you're daughter has being hitting other children.' nicer tone, nicer words.

I get so incensed/angry/upset at me and my DD who is a very sweet little person -being treated like monsters. I don't want to go again at the moment.

anyone else have the same? what do you reply when someone comes up to you?

I agree with 3bunnies - you keep an eye on your child and everytime she hits, you immediately scoop her up and take her home, simply saying "you have to go home because you hit abother child".

It means you might pay to go into a softplay & only be there for 5 mins, that you may have to leave a birthday party early, that you could be meeting friends & the have to leave. But it will send a clear message to your DD.

It really annoys me when I see parents say to hitting children "once more and you'll go home" - I've never seen one follow through & it isn't behaviour that deserves another chance anyway (I have a DS who had a hitting phase at around 2.5 & taking him straight home worked quite quickly.) I think getting the child out immediately is key, as it really helps them to see a link between their behaviour & the punishment.

It all sounds terribly stressful, 6 kids who all push and argue with each other, having to follow a child round soft play. I think I'd be going to the park on my own with her and actually relaxing.

I sometimes think we are conditioned as parents nowadays that we have to be forever at Rhyme Time or Joe Jingles or toddler groups, or somehow our kids are missing out and will become unsocialised savages.

I think some people don't realise kids do these things , I have issue with my son doing this sometime and we bring him out if he does, but at the same time there is often a bit of two-ing and froing going on.

I think its instinct to be irritated by a seeming criticism of your child your blood boil its normal , but by the same instance there child is being hurt by someone, just deal with it calmly. your examples are not overly insulting which would be unreasonable.

I appreciate that some children hit, meh, that's just children, some push and bite too.

I would never judge the child.

But I would judge the parent & the way they dealt with it. I would expect to see the child removed from my child and some discipline given - however the parent saw fit.

And I would expect closer monitoring from the parent.

I would be angry if it happened a second time & would then say something.

If your child is going through a hitting stage & you can't supervise, you don't go to soft play- sorry.

I had a hitter and a hair puller, when my DS was around 18 months - 2 and a bit I couldn't go anywhere there were other kids he was that bad. Soft play was the biggest waste of money ever as he would have managed to hit a child before I'd even got his shoes off. I started off hovering over him and removing him as soon as he raised his hand to another child. Eventually I stopped taking him anywhere, we used to go to the park at tea time when there were no other kids around. The phase lasted about 8 months, I have no idea why and one day it just stopped.

I feel your pain OP, I've been there with bells on. It's a phase that will pass but until it does you will have to avoid soft play or hover over your DD every minute you are in the soft play. No one is being rude to you, it's your job to ensure your child isn't hurting any other children and that's clearly not happening.

daytoday - my child was one of those really gentle children - who used to get bitten by one child in particular.

I do believe it is hard to understand how bad it can feel if you have not been through it and easy to forget how hard it is. I remember some parents with children aged 6-8 staring at my DD when she was a baby as she was crying during a family show - ah do they not remember.

My friend who goes to soft play - don't think she understands as she has not been through this. I sense a bit of smugness.

I never have said I do not understand how the other parent feels as I don't like when my DD hits - I just would deal with it in a polite manner and speak to someone softly - not come in gun-ho and aggressively. That is just me.

What was wrong was that I should have been with DD all the time, knowing what she is like.

southeast - thank you for your understanding. It is easy to underestimate how awful it can be. My DD hits my friends DD and I am mortified at this and feel like we will stop being invited on playdates. I do all I can to pre-talk to DD saying she should not hit her friend and tell her off immediately and get her to apologise - but do feel judged as if I could be doing more.

I think I will just have to get super tough and leave venues - mothers group etc if this happens to get the message through as what I am doing is not working.

thanks cheeseandpineapple - i will get this book. You are so right - my DD is very confident and energetic and as the nursery say - we don't want to dampen her spirit - just control the hitting.

hey - I am just trying to be the best mother I can be - not perfect, but many suggestions have helped. thank you

She'll be fine and you will too. It's a bloody hard age IME because they know what they want/don't want but don't have the vocabulary to express themselves.

Soft play really is the work of the devil!

Thanks daytoday and misguided - wise words.

sootikin - yes I must say my others group has become quite stressful. we meet up every week and have done since they were 9 weeks old. Bt no there are 3 babies as well as 6 toddlers, so I always have to look after a baby (not mine) and take control of all the arguing. I feel mean that I don't really want to hold the others babies, but just don't feel like I have enough headspace to do this and be always keeping a close eye on my DD. I want to catch up with them, but often am glad to leave!

toobreathless - am more than happy to supervise - I guess i was not aware in my head that I should be supervising so closely. Obvious stuff i know - but guess when you are in the middle of things, the most obviuos things can allude us. So no soft play or supervised. of course i want to do the right thing.

Yabu your child may be sweet to you but is going round hitting other children.

I understand that hitting (or biting) phases are very difficult.

I think, as others have said, you need a two pronged approach. First, you don't take her places where you can't see her the whole time until the phase is over. If that means no soft play, unfortunately it means no soft play.

In other places - playgroups, at friends' houses, you watch like hawk, immediately discipline and take her home if she does it. I would also second open spaces- soft play brings out the worst in many children! Plus, I do subscribe to the idea that many small children are rather like dogs- they need to run off a fair amount of energy each day or they get tetchy!

People do understand, but at the same time they are naturally protective of their own children. I think that you have to accept that that will sometimes demonstrate as anger rather than the level of understanding you would like. It doesn't mean they don't get that children sometimes go through these phases. I've seen a child wallop mine unprovoked and the anger you feel at that child - last time it happened I had to take a massive deep breath before I could even trust myself to go over.

Why are you so cross with these other parents? Surely you accept that they have a right to object to their child being hit, or remove them from the vicinity of the hitter.

You seem to be making this all about you. If you want to go to soft play, then supervise. Plenty of people have had hitting/biting phases to deal with, and the only way to do it is to supervise constantly.

I'm pretty hands-off at soft play, and my two are fairly robust, but I did get throughly pissed off with a father the other week, who came over while I was trying to persuade his 4 year old to stop wrestling my hysterical 20 month old off the top of the slide, and let him come down. The father just stood there, wetly, saying 'oh dear, what's wrong?' and then tried to wander off again. It took a fair bit of time to get him to actually climb up and physically remove his child so that I could get at mine. At that point I can assure you that I picked up DS2 and removed him from the other child 'as though he was a leper'. What else should I have done? Leave him to the mercies of an ineffectual parent and his child?

As it was, the same child went for DS2 again later, and it was the child's older siblings who intervened, not the father, who was once again sat saying 'oh dear' while I extracted DS2 from the clutches of his child.

YABU. It's not the job of the parents whose child has just been hit by your DD, to have to think about your feelings and use words and and a tone of voice that is sensitive to your needs, surely?

The parents of the children who don't go around hitting other kids want to be able to sit back and enjoy chatting with friends, or have an uninterrupted cup of coffee for five minutes, or whatever. They haven't after all, paid to have their DCs hit by your DD, have they?

As the mum of the DD who is doing the hitting, if you want to take her, then watch her like a hawk...you know it's going to happen, so why sit back and wait for the irate parents to come and give you a mouthful?

It's normal to a certain extent, and is just a phase, but you're doing her no favors if she's picking up on the vibe that these parents are just silly people who are over reacting.

I'd take her one last time, tell her that if she hits a child, you will put her in the car and go straight home. She probably will hit someone, and when you put her in the car and take her straight home, I bet it'll+ be the last time she does it (at soft play, at least!).

Op you do sound as though you feel a bit sorry for yourself. Are there other issues that mean you find this sort of stuff difficult to cope with?

Our nct went through that phase, we started going to the pub/ pot luck suppers in the evening, much more civilised. Little babies were allowed in car seats.

Misfitless - that is what I meant to say in my previous post. I understand that children hit and bite - DS2 went through a biting phase and I had to shadow him until he got over it - but I do get hacked off when parents get huffy about other people not liking it.

The father in my incident was glaring and huffing at me, as though it was somehow my fault that my toddler was being dragged around by his. I don't often have to get involved, but I can't honestly remember a parent being obviously apologetic when I have had to intervene, or ask them to intervene - there always seems to be a sense of resentment at the parent of the child on the receiving end of the bashing!

if you know you child hits you should be close enough to her ALL THE TIME to stop her hitting either that or not go out.
One of mine went through a phase of biting, it was horrific, like watching Christopher lee in action, so i made damn sure I was stuck to her side like glue during soft play stuff so that she could not hurt another child.

Shiny that's very harsh. I take it you've never had this particular problem then?

God help she should feel a little sorry for herself.

I had a snigger at 'Christopher Lee in action'.

That was what DS2 was like - he'd sort of rear back and open his mouth really wide before doing a slow motion lunge, just like a hammer horror vampire.

Fortunately all that palaver gave me time to stick my arm in between him and his intended target. It was a pain, though. Ds1 has only bitten once in his life, and that was a response to being bitten himself. Ds2 left entire mouth prints in my shoulder on more than one occasion.

well done for taking on board what people have been suggesting. I think talking through on the way to an activity, with the sanction of leaving immediately in place, should help both of you a lot.

I would perhaps start gently moving away from the NCT group as well, 9 children in total is just too much - if it wasn't your NCT group would you even contemplate socialising with such a large group? - I know I wouldn't. Maybe meet up with one or two other mums, and try to keep it outdoors if possible. I wonder if any of the other mums are thinking this, but no-one likes to say, it's just not working any more.

Kungfu, you describe exactly the move DS does. How old was he when it stopped?

He literally opens his mouth wide and charges to target, like a bleeding shark.

Harold the op seems to be mention being stressed and lacking headspace a lot. That suggests to me that there's something she's struggling to cope with. Is it really just that her Dd is a hitter or is something else making the op so stressed out? Is that something else the reason why her dd is lashing out? Just asking.

Ok sorry I read it a different way.

I've been tarnished by too much AIBU.. Seeing the dark side of every comment

We have encountered children who hit at soft play more than once and my dcs are always upset by it, quite often it ruins their play and the parents of the poorly behaved child are always absent from the scene. IMO if your child hits they should go home everytime as punishment until they learn that you don't get to play with other kids unless you can learn to behave.
I think you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking responsibility - I can't believe you're blaming other people for making you feel bad - that's priceless!

Hands aren't for hitting has been ordered!

Thanks MrsOakenshield - yes I agree 9 children is getting a bit much for me and if I didn't like all the mums (and kids) so much then I would def steer clear. They have been my rocks and still are, so not seeing them would feel a bit odd. We do try to meet outdoors - but tricky when we meet at 3.30pm in winter!!

Oh yes ther other mums feel the same, we actually joked we will have to form sub-groups, the mums with one and the mums with one child! Ahhh, I think the solution is short and sweet each week!

shinyblacknose - really? I am upset, not feeling sorry for myself.

kungfupanda - I am always mortified and remove DD immediately. I would never do what you say that parent was doing.

I am sorry but if someone comes up to me attacking me about my child in a calm not agrressive tone, how am I supposed to calm and not upset? And speak calmy back to them? It is very hard to feel calm in this situation.