To be upset when mums tell me off about DD hitting.

[lill72]

I go to a local soft play and my DD who is 3 is going through a bit of a hitting phase. I really want this phase to go and do everything I can to tell her it is not ok and speak to the nursery frequently about it.

At this soft play, you really let the kids go and you sit and watch. I check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots, but feel like now I should literally sit with her or follow her around. But in some ways, I also feel like a lot of argy bargey goes on at these things and following her everywhere is a little OTT for a 3 year old.

Don't get me wrong - I am horrified that she hits and am not sitting back passively at all. I will be the first to tell her it is wrong etc etc.

What I do not like is when other parents come up and tell me that my DD is 'walloping my child' in a very mean tone. They get very nasty and I leave feel awful as if my child is a monster.

One week I got told off by a woman 'your child was hitting my child' way after the fact, when I was trying to sort out my DD and her DD wanting the same toy. I think her DD had also hit my DD earlier, as she came to me crying.

I dont mind being told, I just think there is a nicer way - like 'I just thought I should let you know - you're daughter has being hitting other children.' nicer tone, nicer words.

I get so incensed/angry/upset at me and my DD who is a very sweet little person -being treated like monsters. I don't want to go again at the moment.

anyone else have the same? what do you reply when someone comes up to you?

When she hit the other child in the ball pit, you should have removed her immediately and taken her home.

The other parents should not have had to remove their children.

Your DD will stop hitting fairly sharpish if the consequences are immediate but she has no incentive to do so right now.

you say your are talking to her about it - that's great. But what are you actually doing about it? Consequences? If DD hit she would get a warning and then we would leave if it happened again. And if it kept happening she would know that we couldn't do that activity until I could be sure she wouldn't hit.

And to be honest the behaviour within your NCT group sounds awful too. We are rarely with that number of children, but pushing and arguing about sharing are not tolerated by any parent I know. Again, there would be consequences - warning, time out, leave. Though personally I would go from warning to leave.

(DD and her chums are 3/4, btw).

i think many of us have had a biter

you are judging that we havent because were daring to say YABU

seriously your dd may be the sweet little girl to you,but if she was biting other peoples dc's i would not see her as that

if you are offended that other parents pull you up on dd behaviour wait till school starts

DS is 4, he has never had a hitting stage but I still supervise him closely if we go to soft play. The main reason for having to do so is other parents who don't bother watching their children meaning others who are playing nicely get hurt.

Children get hurt, they hurt each other that is normal but the important thing is that the parents a) supervise and b) react appropriately.

Your attitude is reminding me why we don't bother with soft play very often.

I don't understand op. You say you remove her from the situation, but if you're not watching her how do you know when a situation arises?

Ds 1 was a biter...was a bloody nightmare and I avoided situations like soft play centres until the phase had passed, I really did have to hover over him and yank him out of the way every time I saw those jaws open near another child! He has turned out the loveliest, most gentle 8 yr old though, so it really was just a phase! I'm afraid it is very much your job to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone else.

My DD has never been a biter / pusher / hitter or anything else. Never. Not on a single occasion.

But I still supervise her at soft play to prevent other little oiks children hurting her

I do remover her immediately from the area. We left today straight away but I go with a friend who drives us , so it is tricky to leave the venue. As her DD does not have this issue, think best if we don't go with her for a while.

I really do take on board your suggestions - to be more proactive and be right on top of it. I thought I was, but seems I can do more. I guess I feel so stresed and at a loss at how to tackle it. I just didnt know what more to do.

thanks spookey80 for your helpful comments. I think too you have to get out and do stuff. But yes be more vigilant. yes some people do forget as soon as their child has passed that phase

and mrs devere - I totally agree/get what you are saying. Everyone is just being protective of their child. It is natural. I guess everyone is just very sensitive that we get rude /lose tempers and then misunderstand one another.

think I just have to watch her like a hawk and that is the only answer. Guess when you feel so stressed/exhausted the most obvious answers cannot be found!

I do thank you for your helpful suggestions

You said this about the biting child: "The mum was on it and of course wouldbe hyper vigilant."

Yet you are not extending that same courtesy to your own child. I nannied a child who hit. In soft play I followed him everywhere and never left his side because that is what you do if you have a child who hits. If he hit (or attempted to) he was removed form soft play for five minutes. If it happened more than once he sat with me whilst his siblings played. You don't let her go play again to possibly hit another child.

OP, you sound as though you think your life is singularly difficult. You are responsible for her. If another child hit mine and the parents were doing nothing, I would be annoyed too.

Fwiw, I have two kids, one nearly three, one seven months. I have to be CONSTANTLY vigilant, at home and out, as even though the elder (DS) is normally pretty good, I have to curb his robust play with his baby sister. Many others on mumsnet have multiple DC to watch. Surely it is not too hard to stay with her.

I followed my kids round, kept them within grabbing distance and intercepted them! Thats what you have to do when you know you have a child who is lashing out. Not sit elsewhere and check in on them from time to time.

Don't be that mother!

I was hoping you were joking as I found your attitude rather concerning. However, obviously, you're not

At the end of the day, you have posted on an open forum asking for advice. The fact that my DS is 11 months old does not make me unqualified to give you advice.

If you only want responses from people with 3 year old daughters, I suggest you set up a closed Facebook page - I don't think that AIBU (in particular) is the correct forum for you.

The people today were so rude and removed their children out of the ball area where DD was, treating her like a lepar. I am not apologising to people that are so rude sorry.

They shouldn't have had to remove their child. You were rude for not removing your own if she was hitting.

What do you expect them to do?

Xpost with you already reaching that conclusion!

Atruth - I removed her today after the mum came up to me.

but today I also saw her and another boy fighting so I went over and calmed the situation down. So I do see it most of the time.

Sirzy - very mean of you to say that. My DD is not running round like a crazy person - she is a 3 year old who most of the time runs around happily with her friend. and I am always looking out for what she is doing. I have missed a few things and have said I will be on top of this from now on. I think you are going down the wrong track to say you wouldnt go to soft play because of someone like my DD - are you having a laugh?

How can you be immediately removing your DD from the situation when, by way of your first post, you say:

i check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots, but feel like now I should literally sit with her or follow her around

If you can't see what she is doing, then you can't immediately remove her. That statement is why people are making assumptions

I have a hitter and he is still doing it at nearly 5,no reason why he does it,theres no aggression there before or when he does it and its a mystery to me and his teachers why he does it,my only guesses are boredom or possibly not being able to articulate what he feels,sometimes we will be having a lovely cuddle and ill tell him i love him,hell say it back,and then punch me in the face!

In your situation,i just wouldnt let her out my sight in those kind of places,if you know she will do it you really need t follow her round.

You go with your friend whose child is older and does not need so much supervision.

I think what is adding fuel to the fire is when the mother of the child who is being hit looks round to see where you are, she sees you and your friend having a pleasant social occasion, sitting there chatting. No wonder they're sharp with you.

It must be very difficult for you to supervise and socialise at the same time. Impossible, I'd say. And if you follow your child around, as you should, while she is going through this phase, your friend is going to be left on her own.

If you must go to softplay, I'd find a way of going on my own till your dd has learnt how to behave.

No I avoid soft play because I am sick of unsupervised children pushing and shoving. Your DD falls into that category.

There's no reason to stop going to soft play. You just need to supervise your DD properly. That means following her round so she is within arm's reach at all times and not sitting drinking coffee.

Your DD was treated like a leper today because you weren't there to manage her behaviour, not because other parents are rude.

You won't feel awkward and judged if you're managing your DD's behaviour appropriately. You will also be teaching her how to behave so that you can trust her to go in without you sooner. She'll learn nothing by not going.

Greenbananas "people seem to get upset when their precious children get hit" ?!
No shit Sherlock?

I have "precious" children, and I get upset when they're hurt. It's called human nature.

If my child was hit at a soft play and I found the hitters mother having a coffee and reading a mag, yep, I'm going to be pissed off.

Watch your child, you KNOW she goes round hitting other children.
I don't understand why you wouldn't follow her round tbh.

I am hypervigilant and hyper aware every where we go - I think everywhere but this soft play. We go with a friend who never interacts with her DD there, as she is older. Think I have been lulled into the same. You have now made me aware of this and I will change this.

Any playground, mothers group, cafe, party, etc etc I follow DD like a hawk and immediately act on anything happening.

Oh Sirzy - get off your high horse. I am a very caring person and have admitted a mistake - I thought she was ok to be watched from afar, as this is what most do. I am so far from unsupervising and uncaring you have no idea.

OP what are the consequences for your DD when she hits a child?