To be upset when mums tell me off about DD hitting.

[lill72]

I go to a local soft play and my DD who is 3 is going through a bit of a hitting phase. I really want this phase to go and do everything I can to tell her it is not ok and speak to the nursery frequently about it.

At this soft play, you really let the kids go and you sit and watch. I check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots, but feel like now I should literally sit with her or follow her around. But in some ways, I also feel like a lot of argy bargey goes on at these things and following her everywhere is a little OTT for a 3 year old.

Don't get me wrong - I am horrified that she hits and am not sitting back passively at all. I will be the first to tell her it is wrong etc etc.

What I do not like is when other parents come up and tell me that my DD is 'walloping my child' in a very mean tone. They get very nasty and I leave feel awful as if my child is a monster.

One week I got told off by a woman 'your child was hitting my child' way after the fact, when I was trying to sort out my DD and her DD wanting the same toy. I think her DD had also hit my DD earlier, as she came to me crying.

I dont mind being told, I just think there is a nicer way - like 'I just thought I should let you know - you're daughter has being hitting other children.' nicer tone, nicer words.

I get so incensed/angry/upset at me and my DD who is a very sweet little person -being treated like monsters. I don't want to go again at the moment.

anyone else have the same? what do you reply when someone comes up to you?

[Sirzy]

Im not on my high horse at all. Great you have admitted making a mistake, but that doesn't change the fact that many children ARENT supervised and you have admitted yourself that at this place your daughter was one of them.

You seem to be forgetting though that parents don't want their child getting hurt by another who isn't being watch. Thats not bad, or over protective that is normal. I have already said that things happen in soft play but the key is how the parents react. If parents aren't watching they can't react.

Sorry if that upsets you but its true.

[AngiBolen]

ChasedByBees Thu 21-Nov-13 20:29:09
You do realise it's not compulsory to go to soft play?

My Quote Of The Day.

[Feminine]

op I think you have taken on posters suggestions really well.

I got that you sort things out quickly with your DD when it happens.

I'm confused as to why you have been treated quite rudely by some this evening.

I have never had a hitter, so I can't imagine how tricky things must get for you.

This soon will pass ( as they say) and you will be on to the next phase.

You have had some helpful suggestions though, try those out ...see how it goes! good luck

[superzero]

I had a 3 year old hitter and remember what it was like.
We still went to soft play.
I had a younger one too and it was impossible to supervise them both all the time,so inevitably sometimes things happened when I wasn't looking.It usually happened when they had been there a while or were hungry so had to stay on top of that.
My rules were,you hit,you leave.
We talked about it on the way to soft play and if he hit,I apologised and we left.
It took a while to sink in but it was a phase and has now passed which is a big relief.
Some parents are more understanding than others but you always need to apologise.
If it is too stressful for you OP there must be other places that you can go?Looking back I'm not sure why I actually went myself,with just 1 child there are so many other things that you could do where it's much easier to supervise them.

[Floggingmolly]

You really let the kids go and you sit and watch
Why do you imagine this is even vaguely acceptable with a child who's prone to lashing out; a fact you claim to be "horrified" by?

[Goldenbear]

Op, I get what you're saying- people seem to forget that little people have little brains and their impulse control is very poor at that age. It sounds like you're reacting to the offence but for some it is just not enough. I would avoid soft play though and invest in cold weather gear. I went to a soft play with a friend after school when our boys were in reception. When we arrived it was dominated by some mothers with 18 mth year olds, two of them got precious about our sons going near them and were asking them if their DC were ok. Our sons were just playing, nowhere near them and we were sure of this as the soft play is tiny and you sit in front of your children. They were just very precious as they saw the school uniforms and felt protective I guess. My friend asked one of the Mothers what was wrong but they didn't have an answer as they knew nothing was wrong - they were just being fuss pots and melodramatic about the presence of older children.

Also, if you don't have a hitter, pusher, biter it won't be due to your superlative parental techniques, it will be luck. My DS is now 6.5 and went through a biting stage at 2 but now is very sweet and an exceptionally well behaved child. Dd is 2 and she does not hit, bite, push. She is the kind of child that gives up a toy without any fuss if another child wants it. In fact she does this too easily but I've brought them up the same way. It is just her personality and luck that she refrains from these things.

[lill72]

Agree Sizry.
Feminine - thanks for your comforting comments. Yes, the phase will pass. And yes, although some comments have been more critical than helpful, this forum has definitely helped me to know what more I could be doing, so I am very thankful for that.

superzero - thank you. Yes it is tricky. I don't have this happen anywhere else, as in a playground or something, I do not let them out of my sight and keep a close eye on them. Think I will try and think of other things for the moment.

[lill72]

Thanks Goldenbear for your comments. It is funny that at whatever stage we are at, we can feel so judged. We should all be on the same page really because we are all mums.Sigh...

softplay seems to be a different beast for some reason.

[aurynne]

I think your main error, lill72, is to make the whole event as if it was all about YOU, how tired YOU are, how awful YOU feel when parents are rude to you, and how people in this forum don't understand YOU and how hard you have it.

This is not about you. It is about children who are being hit and hurt by your DD, who is not a "very sweet little person" to them, but a nasty bully who hits them and gets no consequences.

The world does not revolve around you, or your DD. You DD is the problem here, and you are the accessory problem by not recognising you need to do something and protect other children from her, instead of whining and feeling sorry about yourself. It is those other children you should be feeling sorry for.

[VivaLeBeaver]

At least the parents are coming to you. If you're not watching her you run the risk of an adult having a go at her when she's thumping their dc.

Or another DC whacking her back harder.

When dd was little I used to follow her round all the time even though she wasn't a hitter. Mainly because she kept getting stuck but also because of other kids thumping her.

[Bowlersarm]

OP, I had a biter, I sympathise. And parents who don't have a hitter/biter can be a bit preening about it and think it's all down to their superior parenting. It isn't.

You've had (some) great advice here, so lots of things for you to try out to keep on top of the situation so it doesn't continue to happen. The phase will pass, you just need to manage it while you and DD are going through it.

[Goldenbear]

That is ridiculous - 'a nasty bully'? The child is 3 FFS! Labelling very young children as bullies is morally wrong and says a lot about the mental age of the adult in my world. Grow up, your doll, dot, little man whatever, is going to experience the same but on a greater scale in Reception year of school which is not that far off for preschoolers. My DS was the youngest when he started in Reception and on his first day came out of school with a cut lip as someone had pushed him over. He is in YR 2 now and school sounds like a zoo to me. This is an 'outstanding' infant school as well so im sure many would claim their chikdren are angels but it is simply not true.

[bababababoom]

Don't stop taking her to these places! How else is she going to learn how to behave when she is there??

My ds went through this too. My advice would be to tell her that if she can't be kind to other children then you will have to leave - then actually do leave as soon as she hits, so she makes a connection between the two things.

You don't have to follow her round all the time, but equally you can't just be sitting drinking coffee while she gets on with it. Go when it's quieter if you can, and keep a careful eye.

[confusedabouted]

I dont know why anyone goes to soft play they are awful places ime,and the fods always bad and it costs loads to get in.take someone upthreads advice and invest in some outdoor clothes and go for a nature walk or something if you can,take a picnic!

[Retroformica]

I always remember the time my 2 year old son was wondering carefully around soft play when a massive 3 year old ran at him and pushed him over really hard, then jumped on him twice while he was on the floor. I found the mother and told her what had happened. She blamed other children (there were no others) but then left promptly. And I think that's the way it should be. If your child is aggressive you should either follow them around constantly or bugger off.

[K8Middleton]

I admire you for holding your hands up and taking a different approach. It will pass but until it does being on top of it will help.

Oh and it's total luck whether you get a hitter or a biter, not fantastic parenting. What is fantastic parenting is tackling a problem head on instead of hoping it goes away.

Good luck :)

[aurynne]

Goldenbear, please read the post properly before jumping. Her DD will be a nasty bully TO THE CHILDREN SHE HITS. That is how she will be seen by them. It was just an attempt to show the OP that she might be a bit biased at her "sweet little girl", as that's not how others see her.

[lill72]

aurynne - as Goldenbear says - that i ridiculous. Nasty bully at 3-are you joking??? I do happen to think that every little person is a sweet little person. They are children!!!! I think the problem is with you TBH!!

Thanks for all your comments bowlesr , bababa, viva.

Agree you can't live in a bubble. My DD was scootering in a park one day and as she is a bit of escapee - I am always worried she is going to scooter out of the park onto the road. So I chased after her - at which point this lady turned to my friend and said 'i don't know why you'd let her scooter if she is going to do this' Ah how is she ever going to learn anything if she can't do anything??

[zatyaballerina]

Shadow her until she grows out of it, don't bring her anywhere where you aren't watching and within distance of intervening before she hits. That means no soft play, if she tells you she wants to go, then explain to her why she's not allowed.

Other parents will naturally be annoyed when parents know they have a hitter yet still allow them the freedom and opportunity to hit their kids.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Neither of my children were hitters, but frequently came across hitting children when they were that age.

I remember when my youngest was 3, a boy that looked older kept hitting children in the playground. Mum was just laughing it off as boisterous. Until the boy tried to push my son. My son grabbed hold of his collar and rammed him up the the back of the climbing frame and punched him in the face. The other boy ran crying to his mum who looked at me like I was dirt.

Well, that was the only time my son ever hit another child (he is 8 now), but that boy got what was coming to him. Maybe your daughter will hit the "wrong" child one day and learn a lesson.

[MurderOfGelth]

Only times we've approached a parent about their child hitting is when the child has done it more than once and the parents have been sat blissfully unaware. As you say people have to tell you, can you guarantee it's only the once?

[Goldenbear]

I'm sure others do see her as a 'sweet little girl'. Neither of mine would say someone was a 'nasty bully'. My 6 year old would say someone was really annoying because they pushed in front of him or took his book bag but has never said someone is a 'bully'. That's not to say they don't exist but my son is a tenacious character that wouldn't feel he was being bullied unless it was really bad. I'm glad he has a healthy perspective on these things.

[Goldenbear]

Unlike some adults I should add!

[Mimishimi]

If you know your child is going through a hitting phase, you do need to be right behind her at all times to prevent that from happening. Sorry.

[3littlebadgers]

Mine are all older now, but I would get really annoyed when they were playing innocently and another (generally) unsupervised child would come along and whack or bite them. The child could have been the sweetest child known to man kind but they hurt my child for no reason other than they are going through 'a phase' and if the mother, knowing this, was out of sight, having a bit of me time, too right I would have had something to say about it. You see I too am going through a phase it's called motherhood, it means I have these three little people that I love and care about more than anyone else, I chose to have them, therefore it is my responsibility to make sure they are safe and happy but also that they don't interfere with other people's safety or happiness. I get that you need some time to yourself but really if you know your little one has the potential to lash out you need to be with her and engaging with her in social situations so that you can be on top of it. Your time can not take precedence over my child's well being and I think that is why people are coming across as rude. They are incensed that you don't get that. By all means go to play areas but view them as a chance to engage with you child. Have me time somewhere more private.