To be upset when mums tell me off about DD hitting.

[lill72]

I go to a local soft play and my DD who is 3 is going through a bit of a hitting phase. I really want this phase to go and do everything I can to tell her it is not ok and speak to the nursery frequently about it.

At this soft play, you really let the kids go and you sit and watch. I check on DD all the time to see where she is and that she is ok. But you cannot see everywhere from where you are sitting. I check on her lots, but feel like now I should literally sit with her or follow her around. But in some ways, I also feel like a lot of argy bargey goes on at these things and following her everywhere is a little OTT for a 3 year old.

Don't get me wrong - I am horrified that she hits and am not sitting back passively at all. I will be the first to tell her it is wrong etc etc.

What I do not like is when other parents come up and tell me that my DD is 'walloping my child' in a very mean tone. They get very nasty and I leave feel awful as if my child is a monster.

One week I got told off by a woman 'your child was hitting my child' way after the fact, when I was trying to sort out my DD and her DD wanting the same toy. I think her DD had also hit my DD earlier, as she came to me crying.

I dont mind being told, I just think there is a nicer way - like 'I just thought I should let you know - you're daughter has being hitting other children.' nicer tone, nicer words.

I get so incensed/angry/upset at me and my DD who is a very sweet little person -being treated like monsters. I don't want to go again at the moment.

anyone else have the same? what do you reply when someone comes up to you?

[CrohnicallyTired]

Goldenbear- can I just ask about your soft play? All the ones I have gone to have separate toddler areas- recommended for under 3s or under 4s- and then a larger area for older children. Is this the case at the one you were at? And if so, were the 18 month olds in the larger area, or were your Reception aged children in the smaller area? Because this is a real bug bear of mine, my DD is 1 and crawling, and often at soft play there are older children racing around the toddler area, and I do worry about the possibility of her getting accidentally hurt by an older child. Obviously, she could just as easily be hurt by a 2 or 3 year old, but they tend to be a) slower b) watched over by a parent c) not as heavy as a 5 year old and d) lower to the ground meaning injuries would hopefully not be as severe!

[ShinyBlackNose]

YABU.

I don't go to soft play very often but one of my pet hates are the parents who release their children then sit back and watch.

There are normally signs everywhere telling parents that it is their responsibility to supervise their child. If your daughter needs you to follow her around to properly supervise her then that is what you do.

If another child was hitting my DC I wouldn't be too friendly to the parent who was allowing the behaviour.

[Chippednailvarnish]

There seems to be a common theme here OP, you have a child who hits, but you haven't been supervising her properly. You have a child who is " a bit of an escapee" and you haven't been supervising her properly.

You need to be with her when you are out if you can't trust her. No excuses about being tired or moaning about other parents, before a bigger child hits her back of worse she gets out on to a road. And I have found your lack of attentiveness quite shocking.

[JapaneseMargaret]

I just wouldn't go for a while, if I were you.

I couldn't countenance soft play, if I had to actually hover over my DC (3YO DD and 4YO DS) while I was there. The whole idea is that you let them loose to do their thing, while you pass the time in a moderately agreeable manner.

The fact that people are shepherding their children away from your child en mass does suggest she is being more than a little annoying. In which case, hold fire on soft play until she passes through this phase. It will happen. :)

[3bunnies]

I have 3 dc, including one who was often hit and one who often hit people so have been on both sides. I have found that the best way to deal with it is a zero tolerance approach. Every time she hits you leave whatever she is doing and go home. At home and preschool every incident involves time out. I would avoid soft play for the time being, or if you do go make sure you can leave, maybe if you have a partner who drives or a car on the weekend then go a few times then. Swimming with you is a good option in the winter, or our leisure centre puts soft play stuff out but it is much easier to monitor and follow them.

There is a saying - don't accept behaviour in a 4 yr old behaviour that you wouldn't accept from a 14yr old. Those who acted strongly and consistently at the time have stamped the behaviour out. Those who did little or were inconsistent in sometimes acting and sometimes not are still experiencing problems 5yrs later.

I know it is frustrating if another child has wound her up, but she needs to learn that she still must control her actions. When she goes to school the supervision will be less - they won't always see the provocation but will see the hitting. Ds still hits occasionally but only at home with family and we always act on his behaviour and of course the others if he was provoked.

[JapaneseMargaret]

I should add, I am fortunate enough to have unaggressive DC. If I didn't, I simply wouldn't take them.

Hovering over them is just too hideous to contemplate, and I honestly feel for parents who do have to do that.

[JapaneseMargaret]

Spot on advice from bunnies re hard line consistency. I have a friend who doesn't use this approach with her 4YO DD and no-one wants to be around her.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Op have you thought that dd is hitting because she feels overwhelmed or threatened by another (any) child there so is defensive before required?

IMO she's too young to be in the older kids section alone. In the toddler part you also should be playing with her not sitting seperate.

[cory]

OP, if you read the posts on this thread through properly you will see that the ones who are telling you you have to shadow her and take her home instantly if she hits are precisely the ones who have had to deal with this problem. Or who are dealing with it at the moment. Lots of us have been there.

Making her apologise is probably not enough either to make an impression on her or to soothe the other party. She needs to see that hitting results in instant stopping of play as far as she is concerned. They need to see that hitting means the hitter doesn't get a second chance.

I have had both a hitter and a hittee. When my second child became the hittee (at the CM's) I felt very glad that I had been so strict with my first child, the hitter.

The parent of the hitter couldn't possibly know how stressed ds was by the hitting or how he would suddenly come out with little remarks at bedtime that showed that he was worrying about it and had probably been worrying about it all day. What helped me get through this period was knowing that the parent of the hitter was on our side and really wanted to do everything for it to stop.

[shewhowines]

Your tone of post has changed in the latter half of the thread. You are more accepting of what people are saying. I think it was your earlier refusal to acknowledge that you were in any way wrong, that got you a lot of the later annoyed posts.
It was your belligerent "nobody understands" "they were rude as they treated my daughter like a leper", and your attitude that you wouldn't apologise because they didn't complain to you nicely, and your refusal to see things from another point if view.

All you need to do is apologise and say you will deal with it and you will mollify most parents. But you do actually need to deal with it.

[HaroldTheGoat]

I have a biter. I watch him like a hawk but he's so fast he has hurt other children in a soft play environment before I've been able to grab him.

I've tried a few places and found one that's out of town and now quiet, and gives me a perfect 360o view.

Avoid very busy places..

Soft play brings out this side in some children, it could be too overwhelming an environment for her right now.

It's awful I do sympathise.

[ernesttheBavarian]

The 'phase' will only pass if you consistenly and firmly react appropriately. By being half-arses in dealing with it, not supervising, not giving consequences, excusing, turning a blind eye, it will cease to be a phase and in fact just become her normal behaviour.

In my experience most parents only say something after repeated 'attacks' not for a one off.

And you should always apologise. You cannot be angry with parents who are upset at your dd violence and your lack of attention and action.

[cheeseandpineapple]

OP, there's a board book called Hands Are Not For Hitting

www.amazon.co.uk/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=hands%20are%20not%20for%20hitting%20book&index=aps&hvadid=26289171651&hvpos=1t1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15243187581861745764&hvqmt=b&hvdev=t&ref=pd_sl_8c15joc5lp_b&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

It's very simple and easy to read with toddlers. Helps reinforce the message at home. You could aim to read it before you go to the soft play centre. Tell her that if something happens which she's not happy about to "use her words" and to come and tell you if there's a problem rather than take the matter in her own hands, literally!

Time out and sitting out if she does repeat and stop going altogether if she really isn't getting it.

I would take her there on the basis you're going to shadow her and watch what happens as a "training" session rather than a play session (you don't need to tell her that) and explain that to your friend so she understands why you might not be sitting chatting to her, eventually you should be able to go back to watching normally once you're confident the issue's been dealt with but keep up close shadowing until then.

Your dd sounds like she has a lot of energy and is confident, the hitting is probably a phase and one you can guide her through without her losing her enthusiasm and joie de vivre.

[QuintessentialShadows]

She is only 3, too young to roam freely while mum focus on her friend with a cuppa!

Pay for nursery if you dont want to supervise your child.

[HaroldTheGoat]

I used to be able to tail him a lot better but have a DS2 now so can't, it's very limiting have to turn down lots of invitations.

Actually really gets me down.

[neepsandtatties]

I had a hitter. While they are going through that phase you have to helicopter. I think you realise now that YABVU and the parents weren't.

[HaroldTheGoat]

Three is old enough in my opinion it let them off the leash a bit in soft play.

EVERY soft play I've been to all the mums do at that age.

Unless of course they are having an aggressive phase then you do have to tail them. When I do it I'm very much in the minority.

[southeastastra]

my ds was like this and to be honest following him around wouldn't stop the behaviour and i didn't go out with him much where there would be other children. it was incredibly hard to deal with and was what bought me to mn in the first place. was really hard to find ways that he could control his temper. my son does go to martial arts classes now and that has helped control and focus his aggression. though he has also got alot older! really sympathise with you op, it's absolutely awful when you're going through it and alienating. i think other parents assume it's easy to deal with and maybe alot of behaviour is. but it's not always as easy as they can think.

[southeastastra]

my son was a lot better out in the open air than in a confined play/soft play area too

[southeastastra]

(Behavouir board may be less harsh op)

[Snatchoo]

I had two biters. It was mortifying. Trust me, chasing twins round is much harder than just one!

I think you need to step up and stop going for a while. At three she is old enough to know that if she does something and is told off, that she can lose a treat. I get that it's timeout for you as well, but three people in one session and removal from the area suggests you are not dealing with things as effectively as you think.

[daytoday]

Lil72

It is very upsetting when your child goes through a phase like this. You have to be totally 'on it' at all times, literally right behind them, it means you cannot socialise with your friends.

But you are wrong to put down other parents as not understanding or forgetting what this phase feels like.

Also - I think you are wrong to presume that it is common for 3 year olds to hit other children and soft play, especially children they don't know. This is not a common developmental phase and as a mother of 3 having been attending playground etc for 13 years I have only seen this about 6 times. Where parents have been so upset they have FINALLY approached the other parent. Argy Bargy with friends is completely different to hitting a child you don't know.

Also some children are really gentle - imagine how they feel.

Your child is

[daytoday]

Oops,

Meant to say - your child is just a little girl of course, and other parents will feel tremendous empathy with you. It will pass and a lot of the comments on this thread are from parents who have been through it.