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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Not Know What To Do About Child Left In Car

281 replies

crackerjax · 19/11/2013 09:21

I came out of DCs school this morning and noticed a child was in a parked car on his own. He was about 2 yrs old and crying. I asked a couple of mums if they knew whose car it was with no success. I didn't have a phone with me but was thinking that if after 15 minutes the mum had not returned that I'd have to ask to borrow someone's phone to ring 999 or 101.

As I waited I noted the registration number and the child stopped crying. I think perhaps he may have been asleep when left and the crying I saw was the post-sleep cry that youngsters do. The mum arrived after about 10 minutes (so with the walk in to school was probably away c. 17 minutes assuming no chatting). I told her that her actions were unacceptable and she was very apologetic saying it was the first time and I think she was about to start saying that he is difficult on the way into school but I interrupted and said we have all had to manage difficult fractious toddlers on the school run but that leaving a child alone in a car is unacceptable and dangerous.

So, my questions are, what should I have done in that moment when I saw the child in the car, and do I do anything about it now? I appreciate that we all have difficult days, and that we all make poor choices on occasion (I am the first to admit I have made poor parenting choices).

Any thought are welcome.

OP posts:
DziezkoDisco · 19/11/2013 10:24

I love mn I posted once if I should leave my sleeping child in a cot go to the shop across the road, which is opposite my house. i think I was told I was an unfit mother, he would wake up learn, to walk, burn to death, get stolen, I wouldbe run over/ murdered om the way and he would starve to death....

LittleBearPad · 19/11/2013 10:26

Well aren't you are paragon of virtue OP. Yes she shouldn't have left him but you could have just said that. You didn't need to cut her off as you did.

And wtf do you think you should do about it now. You should call the daily mail of course. They could do a nice photo of you looking disapproving next to a parked car. Make sure you cross your arms.

Or maybe you could just get on with your day...

thebody · 19/11/2013 10:26

if it's seen as unacceptable for a cm or nanny to do this, and under safe guarding rules, then it's daft for a parent to do it.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 19/11/2013 10:26

Apologise for not listening to her when she was trying to tell you why she left the child there FGS. You are not judge & jury - stop acting like you are. She made the decision to leave the child in the car, it was a decision others would have made too - try taking on board that your opinion isn't the only one... nor is it necessarily the correct one. The child was strapped into the car, not wandering around the M25.

thebody · 19/11/2013 10:27

if it's seen as unacceptable for a cm or nanny to do this, and under safe guarding rules it is, then it's daft for a parent to do it.

Abra1d · 19/11/2013 10:27

DziezkoDisco you are forgetting the risk of alien abduction.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 19/11/2013 10:29

Dziezko - a bit like some of the hysteria on this thread too then.

thebody - I find things equally acceptable or unacceptable whether the adult is the parent, grandparent, nanny or childminder.

notanyanymore · 19/11/2013 10:30

I always leave my baby in the car when i drop DD1 at school and I leave DD2 with her if she wants to stay rather then get out.
You ensured the child was safe. You actually have no idea how long the child was unattended for other then the amount of time you were stood there for. She apologized. You interrupted and made yourself out to be a sanctimonious busy body. Job done, move on.
Did I mention, I can see my car at all times. In fact, I can even see the children. If I do have to pop out of sight for any reason I ask my sister or a friend to keep an eye for me instead. I wouldn't expect a busy body to know this though. If you'd have given her a chance to talk you might have been able to find out what she was about to say before you cut her off, as it is, there's really no point is second guessing it now.

exmrs · 19/11/2013 10:31

I'd like to ask mums net what age is seen as acceptable to leave a child in the car whilst you rush in to corner shop?

PeppiNephrine · 19/11/2013 10:32

"Maybe the OP was a bit rude, but I've seen a parked car, with child but no adult hit by another car. Luckily, it was at a low speed and no injuries. At a higher speed..."

And I've seen a toddler hit by a car on a path walking into school. So, just as dangerous to take them out of the car as to leave them in it. Or more so. Just because YOU have decided one is ok and one is not does not make it so.

notanyanymore · 19/11/2013 10:35

If I couldn't see them, I wouldn't leave them. By the time I felt possible to leave them in the car fully unattended there wouldn't be any point as they wouldn't be in car seats/asleep/unable to get in/out the car by themselves/have to be carried etc.
So probably not until they were into their teens actually... Shock I'm quite suprised by my own response!

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 19/11/2013 10:35

Yes, parked cars sometimes get crashed into (very very rarely at speeds that would injure an occupant strapped into a carseat, though). But equally mothers with small children sometimes get hit by cars crossing the road.

And if you Google stolen car with sleeping children inside you'll generally come across cases where someone steals the car, realises there's a child inside and stops the car within a couple of minutes. You'll also discover that it's not precisely an epidemic.

I note that the OP is the sort of person who "leaves us with" a link on vehicular heatstroke in November and draw my own conclusions about her likely demeanour and attitude when she's patronising people in person.

I don't think leaving a small child in a car for 17 minutes is a great idea; I think leaving them at all in the summer/warm weather can be dangerous. But I don't have an issue with doing it for 5 minutes when the weather's cold. I shall live with the risk of vehicular heatstroke when it's 2 degrees C outside.

zzzzz · 19/11/2013 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 19/11/2013 10:39

Chipping can absolutely guarantee you on mumsnet if this had been a cm or nanny the calls to sack her / report to a Ofsted would have been overwhelming!! seen it on here before.

leaving a 2 year old unattended anywhere for any length if time is neglect.

BopsX3 · 19/11/2013 10:40

I think you were a bit harsh OP. You could've just sat with him untill his mum came back and then just explained he was crying and you wanted to make sure he was ok untill she returned.

It is the parents personal choice as to whether they'd leave their children in the car or not.

I personally wouldn't do it with any of my children (7yo, 4yo, 11mo), but that's my decision, doesn't mean anyone else is wrong to do so. You can't go around telling people how to look after their kids.

thebody · 19/11/2013 10:41

Zzzz guessing as you remember you weren't alone and you weren't 2!

PerpendicularVince · 19/11/2013 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TEEurkeyDay · 19/11/2013 10:41

OMG A BEE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN INTO THE CAR WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!??!?!

KellyElly · 19/11/2013 10:41

I never understand these threads. Can't leave a young child sleeping alone in the house while you nip across the road to the shop (you will get flamed) but its perfectly acceptable to do so in a car. What's the difference??

KellyElly · 19/11/2013 10:44

In fact surely a car is worse as there's more chance of someone breaking into your car than your house in a short space of time. MN is bonkers sometimes. I just think people like a pile in at the moment!

nokidshere · 19/11/2013 10:45

I would have watched the car until the parent came back and then gone on my way. I am not sure the leaving the child in the car is the issue here but the way the OP spoke to the parent certainly is.

NewBlueCoat · 19/11/2013 10:48

I read the first couple of pages earlier, and then got distracted, so my point may well have been covered in the meantime.

Maybe the mum was doing the best, and at that point of time, safest thing by leaving the toddler in the car, safely strapped in, presumably locked?

I regularly leave my 15 month old in the car whie I take my older daughter into school. It is the safest place to leave him. He is not yet walking, and i cannot carry him as well as dd1's lunchbox, and keep hold of dd1 adequately (dd1 is 9, with severe ASD). If I took ds out too, then I would not be holding either child adequately, and so both would be less secure than if I leave him in the car and take dd1 in.

Sometimes he cries. I hate it that he does, but it is still safer to leave him there than bring him along (at times).

In the car, he is strapped in (and cannot undo his straps, and none of mine could undo their straps at 2 either). the doors are childlocked. the car is also locked, so risk of abduction is negligible. what on earth is actually going to happen to him?

I can understand why the OP might wait to check he is alright, and someone is coming back to him. But anything other than that is a step too far. If someone had spoken to me like that when dd2 was that age (so dd1 was about 3.5 - probably her and my lowest point in terms of behaviour and life being generally shit), I would have been absolutely distraught. It would have added a whole load of completely unneeded stress and judgement to a situation where I was only doing my best. Because that is all peopel can do.

The OP does not have the full facts, and neitehr did she even bother to let the other mother explain (not that she needed to). The OP had decided she was right, and that no circumstances ever would change her mind.

Newsflash: sometimes life is not that simple. Sometimes you can only do the best in any given situation, and there isn't actually a right answer, just a least-wrong one.

zzzzz · 19/11/2013 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/11/2013 10:49

You see there are people in the world who have a high level of superiority and low level of empathy.
These are the people that think it is appropriate to "tell off" a stranger on the street.

Thankfully I do not know any of these people outside on mumsnet. I guess it makes them feel better about their own lives.

merrymouse · 19/11/2013 10:50

AFAIK, the risk of being hurt crossing the road or whilst in a moving car is far higher than the risk of a parked car spontaneously catching fire.