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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

322 replies

DrSeuss · 17/11/2013 10:00

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

OP posts:
mirry2 · 17/11/2013 10:37

Why didn't you get the seller to post it to you?

PresidentServalan · 17/11/2013 10:38

I would have been fuming if someone had assumed that I would be happy to do a favour for them - it's very rude. It sounds like you don't think that she has anything more important to do.

MulberryHag · 17/11/2013 10:40

Of course having children plays a role! Before I had DC I did have a bit more free time and could be more flexible with my time. Anyone on here that says it doesn't change anything having children is just picking an argument and trying to be PC.
You weren't rude. Maybe slightly presumptuous but I understand how eBay works and that you had to make a quick decision. In my family no one would blink an eye and I'm pretty certain they'd collect the clarinet happily. If it was me, even if I didn't want to collect it for my SIL, I would still do it and be gracious about it too, not bitch and moan about "not being asked beforehand". People can be too self involved and too self centered (I'm NOT saying your SIL is like this in this instance, as we do not know her personally, just people in general). Just give her a call to clear the air, send her a BIG bunch of flowers as a thank you and next time, don't forget to bloody well ask first!

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 17/11/2013 10:41

YADNBU. It's 4 miles. It would take 20mins out of her life. She is family, you should stop doing things for her parents if she is being so arsy. Tell her yes you should have asked her but presumed that it wouldn't have caused so much of a big deal. Then tell her if you are going to put things on such a formal basis you will only do things for her parents if she asks you beforehand.

pianodoodle · 17/11/2013 10:42

I would have lied and said I hadn't bid on it yet but would she mind if I did?

Then phoned back a while later to say I'd won the item :)

But anyway, I wouldn't see it as a big deal either but like you that's just the sort of family I grew up in!

With in-laws/others they don't always feel the same way. Certain "nicities" are expected (fair enough) that I wouldn't bother with if it was my own family.

Sirzy · 17/11/2013 10:42

Just because YOU had time Mulberry doesn't mean that everyone who has no children does, and even if they do then its not for somebody else to decide how they will spend that time.

To me it seems the only self involved, self centered action is from the person who assumed that people would be happy to do things for them without asking.

Littleen · 17/11/2013 10:42

I think you should have asked - not having children does not mean she doesn't have a full up schedule of things needing to be done! Whilst loads of people wouldn't mind at all, some would, and it's hard to know in advance which category people fall in to.

comemulledwinewithmoi · 17/11/2013 10:43

You can't just assume someone will do something for you. Regardless of wether she is child free, works pt etc

PresidentServalan · 17/11/2013 10:45

And what your SIL is saying about you asking in advance is perfectly reasonable.

mydaftlass · 17/11/2013 10:45

I think you really should have asked but quite see why you didn't. I would assume that any family member would happily do something for another, without question.

I would call her any say that as she obviously minds going I would arrange for a courier to collect it. But I would speak to her about it.

hoobypickypicky · 17/11/2013 10:47

You know that you should have asked in advance so you can hardly be surprised when your SiL asks you to do so in future.

Maybe, just maybe, she's irked by your assumption that she has nothing better to do with her time and that prioritising your daughter in her plans is as important to her as it is to you.

If she suspects that you think her husband a "giant toddler" and that she's somehow indebted to you because you do things for her mother I think you were lucky to get away with the response you did tbh.

Original poster
DrSeuss · 17/11/2013 10:50

She doesn't live in London. As I said, it genuinely never occurred to me, a part time teacher, that there would be a problem. I asked politely if it would be possible, on her agreeing, I asked her to give a day and time for the collection. I was not rude. She only stated that there was an issue to DH, not me. I would and have helped others, many times. I suppose that since I was brought up by my parents whose attitude to one of the neighbours needing a hand was to go and help or to get busy finding a solution somehow, I just assume others think in the same way. Not entitled, reciprocal.

OP posts:
PresidentServalan · 17/11/2013 10:51

Some of us without children have as full and busy a life as those without - I hate this assumption that childfree people have nothing better to do - if someone had made the assumption about a SAHP, many people would be up in arms!

DuckToWater · 17/11/2013 10:52

I work, have 2 kids at primary school, am on PTA, do 5-6 hours at gym/running/dance a week and am doing a part time course, and spend too much time on here at times, and I wouldn't consider driving 4 miles to collect a musical instrument for anyone a problem especially for a member of the family! Unless it was a double bass, piano or harp, of course :) "If you want something done, ask a busy person. " Never more true.

RaspberryRuffle · 17/11/2013 10:53

YABU. SIL is doing what you want and has asked for notice in future.
The fact that she is childless and works p/t is not relevant to how you treated her, basically as if these facts mean she has loads of time on her hands.
Send her a thank you card and some flowers and say how this has really helped you all out and DD will be thrilled.

Depending on family dynamics maybe the favour request would have been netter coming from your DH, her brother.

Also MillyMollyMandy Max whatever OP does for OP's PIL, she doesn't do them for SIL as a favourt to her. She presumably does them for her DH or DD's sake, or because this is apparentoly how OP is. A very childish suggestion, and why would OP punish PIL after OP has been v cheeky to SIL in the first place?

Twirlychair · 17/11/2013 10:56

You really sound like you look down on her and don't like her or BIL much.

RaspberryRuffle · 17/11/2013 10:57

OP just seen that she gave your DH an earful. So maybe she was being polite to you as she felt she couldn't say anything to you, but could definitely tell her brother how she actually felt. If so then she has held her tongue and tried to be polite to you. Maybe there is a long history of her brother taking the piss (in her eyes if not in yours), or they just don't get on very well.
Or she wanted him to have a word with you, which is fair enough. We see all the time here that DH's need to step up and speak to their family in defence of their wives.

Sirzy · 17/11/2013 10:57

I was raised by parents happy to help people but also who taught me manners, and good manners is not to make any assumptions that other people will have the time/inclination to drop things just because you have arranged for them to do something for you.

All she has done is very reasonably request you don't make such assumptions of her time again in the future. She is still going out of her way to help even if you were rude. I really don't understand why you are slagging her off so much but I hope she sees this thread and then calls you back and tells you to pick it up yourself!

ReluctantBeing · 17/11/2013 10:58

^^ I agree with twirly chair.

MatryoshkaDoll · 17/11/2013 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 17/11/2013 11:01

it is quite rude to assume that because someone does not have children, they have time to help you, without you needing to ask them first.

My SIL & DB are like this.
they think they world revolves around them & their DCs.
they were like this before they had children
there was always a reason why someone should do what they want. and always a reason why couldn't do anything to help anyone else. of course they always claimed that they would help in other circumstances. just the circumstances were not quite right. never their responsibility................

wiltingfast · 17/11/2013 11:02

I don't think it has anything to do with whether she has children or not. She's family. She's being asked to pick something up in a place which is completely local to her. I agree with OP, she's being sniffy and rude to make such a favour of it.

What's more, she is using the technicalities of politeness to make it seem that it is the OP who has been rude when all she has done is assume the woman would extend ordinary family courtesy.

Without a dount, it is the sil who is being unreasonable here imo. And quite passive aggressive really.

toffeesponge · 17/11/2013 11:02

OP, you do not sound like you dislike her husband and that you look down on her Hmm. You sound like you made the mistake of thinking everyone is like you. Wants to help where you can, have some spare time as she doesn't work full time or has children and is a loving aunt who would want to help. She is being a bit pathetic moaning to your husband when she is annoyed at you.

Send her flowers to thank her, get your DD to make a lovely thank you card and be careful not to ask her for help in future without express permission.

BTW If it is near me I will go and get it for you!

SirChenjin · 17/11/2013 11:03

This is one of these parallel universe threads.

Four fucking miles and she's making a big song and dance about it? Sounds like someone who doesn't have very much going on in her life and then something as minor as this becomes a Big Deal.

OP - you're either someone who is happy to put themselves out to help out friends and family as a general rule if/when they need you, or you're not. I'm happy to be in the former camp.

Sirzy · 17/11/2013 11:04

She isn't really making a song or dance about it though is she, she is going to pick it up but has asked if anything similar happens in future she is asked beforehand. Seems more than fair enough to me.

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