OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

[DrSeuss]

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

I don't see that the SIL is in the wrong here. Not only has she said that she will do the favour, but by indicating that she would like the OP to use a few manners and ask first, she will, if able, be willing to do other favours in future.

The OP admits she should have asked first but when pulled up on it pouts and sulks and starts a thread convinced that she's in the right.

The OP's attitude towards her SIL has been patronising and condescending and that's before you get to her opinion of her SIL's DH. I suspect the OP's SIL knows exactly what the OP thinks of her and her DH, yet still she agrees to do her the favour.

Btw I'm assuming the SIL drives but if she doesn't 4 miles can be a big inconvenience. I don't drive and for me 4 miles would mean two buses and, due to the most likely time of collection being evening, a 20 minute walk at either end, plus the waiting time between the buses.

OP what would you have done if your SIL had been unable to do you the favour because she and her overgrown toddler DH had booked a last minute holiday, for example. Also I'm another one who would like to know who is paying for the clarinet. Have you done a bank transfer or are you expecting your SIL to pay upfront as well?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"I would raise an eyebrow about families who wouldn't feel they can do this. They are obviously not as close as mine."

:o

Oh yes, being rude to people and believing they have no option but to put up with it is the hallmark of a close family!

My family is close because we are actually nice to and considerate of one another.

None of them would pull a dick move like this because it would never occur to them to be so presumptuous of another's person's time and effort.

[2rebecca]

I agree. One of the things you realise reading mumsnet is that some people have families that treat each other appallingly and are nasty to each other in a way they aren't to anyone not related to them, this goes for spouses too.
To some people being family just means you don't have to treat that person with good manners and politeness.
I don't see why the fact that you share a genetic bond (or in the case here where it's SIL don't even share that) means you feel you can impose on people.
SOME members of some families may enjoy that sort of behaviour but others find it rude and/or oppressive.
All families are different as all people are different.
I hate the sanctimonious "Oh I do loads for my family, we're really close, I'm a wonderful person who will do anything for anyone, I don't understand how someone can not be exactly like me, they must be wrong because my way is the best way and the only way to do things" views expressed on here.
Yes the SIL could have just agreed to do it and got on with it, she did, initially, until 2 phone calls later she maybe decided this was turning into a much bigger deal than she'd anticipated and JUST asked that next time she be asked before an item is bought/ not bought rather than being taken for granted.

[friday16]

I would raise an eyebrow about families who wouldn't feel they can do this. They are obviously not as close as mine.

Judgemental, much?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I grew up in a village. The first thing I said about David Cameron's Big Soceity lets all look out for each other plans was, "And how is this different from what my family and neighbours have done since anyone can remember?". It's just how we are in my home village. We genuinely find any other way a bit odd."
I wondered, reading that, how that comes across to people who you meet who are not from your home village. It's difficult to pick up tone from the written word, but I think it is possible that it could come across as rather sanctimonious. A sort of I-am-this-way-and-you're-not-so you-are-ODD. I-am-right-and-you-are-wrong.

Coupled with your bring up that she is childless - surely irrelevant, but implying that her time is less valuable that yours - I am inclined to sympathise with your SIL.

[shewhowines]

Op, it not a big ask for a family member to help you out at short notice. I would ask mine and wouldn't mind being asked. I suppose it depends on family dynamics.
Families are supposed to be there for each other. I would ask beforehand if possible, but I wouldn't hesitate to do as you did.
I would raise an eyebrow about families who wouldn't feel they can do this. They are obviously not as close as mine.

[BadLad]

Someone actually went as far as to say she sounds vile.

[MarmiteNotVegemite]

Baffled as to why the SIL is being painted as the bad guy by so many posters, she's agreed to do the favour the OP asked of her, she's even left the door open for future favours provided the OP checks with her first

A woman without children who dares to hint that her time is not at the OP's disposal. That is what makes her such a bitch. Because of course, a mother is infinitely more valuable than a female non-mother.

Not.

[msmoss]

Baffled as to why the SIL is being painted as the bad guy by so many posters, she's agreed to do the favour the OP asked of her, she's even left the door open for future favours provided the OP checks with her first. What an absolute bitch

[friday16]

What DeWe said.

I'd be reluctant to drive across town to a place I'd never been, in order to collect an object that's very possibly been stolen (why would someone sell an easily traded commodity like a clarinet massively below value?) from someone I've never met. And then if it turns out that it's broken / not as described / whatever get the blame from my relatives about why I didn't check and create, on their behalf, a scene with the aforementioned person I've never met who's potentially dealing in stolen property.

So I wouldn't do it. And I'd be pretty pissed off with someone who assumed that I would.

[Greensleeves]

My first reaction is that you were rude and presumptuous not to have asked first, but it's hard to be sure without knowing your SIL or the tone of her response whether she is also unreasonable. I suspect not, as she has agreed to pick the clarinet up for you despite being miffed that you assumed.

I would ring her and apologise, explain that you were worried you would lose a good deal and that you will always ask in future. And give her some flowers/wine when you see her to say thank you.

[DeWe]

I do ebay. But I hate the idea of collecting. Really hate it. I hate driving to an area I don't know, trying to find parking, checking the item over, dealing with a stranger etc. I've heard enough cases of sellers appearing with something that really isn't the correct description/condition, trying to get more money, or even just never being there when arranged.
Luckily for me dh is happy to do this on the couple of times I have done a collect item. But I always have phoned him (for a buy it now) or discussed it (if timing is such that he's home) to check he's happy to do it. If nothing else, somtimes I look at a place and think it's fairly close, and he points out that it's not as easy a journey as I think.
That's basic courtesy.

[sandfrog]

YANBU. I'm sure you'd have been quite happy to do the same for her.

[Trills]

Even when something is not a big ask you should check first in case it is bigger than you think due to circumstances that you are not aware of.

[GhostsInSnow]

Personally I don't think it's a big ask to collect something that will be of benefit to her Niece.
My SIL lives some way away and called DH asking him if he could collect something on 'his way home from work'. As it transpired, it was about 50 miles out of the way, added an hour on to his journey AND wasn't for SIL at all but some woman she knew.
Unsurprisingly DH said no, and fortunately for them they had asked before they bid but I was amazed that she wanted him to do all that for someone he didn't even know.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

when the OP helps her PIL, she is doing this to support her PIL/DH, not to help the SIL. it sounds like the DH should be doing more for his DParents and not leaving it to his wife who is starting to resent it.

NB: when I help my DM or DPIL, I am doing it to help them, not my sibling or Sibling ILs. I do expect them to pull their weight though, even though it rarely happens.

[SarahAndFuck]

"Op is not punishing the sil's parents by not doing stuff for them, the sil is by drawing the line in the sand.

I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

Works both ways."

This doesn't make any sense.

They are not just SILs parents, they are the OP's husbands parents.

OP says she helps her husbands family because she likes helping people and was brought up that way. We don't know how much help they need or what sort of help it is.

It might be that they need total 24 hour care or it might be that she fetches them a pint of milk once a fortnight as she's calling in anyway. We don't know, but whatever it is, why are we assuming that the OP is doing it as a favour to SIL and SIL alone? They are her DH's parents too, just as much as they are SILs parents.

We also don't know if the SIL has ever said "OP can you help my parents for me please?" but I'd bet that she hasn't.

OP: Can you pick up this clarinet I've just bought?
SIL: Yes but next time can you check with me first?
OP: I will never help PILs again because of you!

It would be completely ridiculous for the OP to stop doing something she says she wants to do, just to spite SIL who has never asked her to do it, when it's not actually a favour to SIL in the first place, it's a favour to the PILs, the aunts and, at a push, OP's own DH.

[MarmiteNotVegemite]

Belize, the OP's SIL works part time and has no children. Of course she has more free time than someone who works part time and has children

Really????

You see, that is what is so UNreasonable about the OP's attitude and yours.

Of course the SiL could do a favour for a family member, and most reasonable people would.

But if attitudes on this thread to her different life choices are as obvious to her as the OP has expressed them here, then if I were the SiL I would have very little time for or contact with the OP.

It is the height of utter rubbish to assume that the time & life choices of a person w/o children is of less worth than those of you who have managed the very basic function of reproducing. I can't count the amount of times I've covered for colleagues who are parents. And I am sick to death of their assumption that MY time is of less value than theirs. And that I have no right to work/life balance or family life.

So, OP, you were rude and unreasonable and entitled.

[Trills]

"I wish you'd ask before committing to something" could be taken in more than one way.

You seem to think it means "I don't want to do this thing for you"

It could mean "If you'd asked last week it would have been impossible and I would hate to have to let you down"

[Trills]

Shall we make a list of the issues that make this more than just a donation of "30 minutes of her time when it's convenient to her"?

Have to find a mutually-agreeable time with the seller - not just any time that suits her
Have to speak to the seller to find that mutually-agreeable time
Travel to and from the place might not be easy or comfortable or as fast as you think
She might be unhappy about knocking on a stranger's door in the dark (likely mutually-agreeable pickup time will be after 5pm, when it's now dark)
She'll have to look at the item and agree whether it is "as described"
WILL SHE HAVE TO PAY?
Storage of item until you see her

I have no kids, but if you phone me up on a Sunday and say "I need you to pick up X from Y" there are weeks when I will have something planned for Monday and Tuesday and Thursday, and the seller's kids go to Scouts on Wednesday so they can only do Wednesday before 6pm, etc, so I'd either have to cancel something that I had planned or arrange to leave work early.

That's a lot bigger of a favour than you seem to think.

And all she wants you to do is ASK.

[AnnThology]

i dont see why its a big deal either OP

[MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX]

Op is not punishing the sil's parents by not doing stuff for them the sil is by drawing the line in the sand.

Iam not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

Works both ways.

As for op keeping score, we have been in this position twice with friends.
One couple we had known for over 20 years. We never" kept score" just got on with things because they were our friends. It was only after we had for the first time ever asked them to do us a favour that would have involved 3 minutes of their time and was met with a no and don't ask us again it is not our responsibility to help you out that we began to realise the relationship was one sided. You do not want to punish others but when it is made clear that they have no responsibility to do anything for you.. Therefore equally you have no responsibility to do anything for them.