OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

[DrSeuss]

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

[intitgrand]

The title of your thread is 'ok I should have asked first....' and then you are complaining that your SIL has requested in future that you do ask first

[RevoltingPeasant]

Look, we don't know what OP did for pil. It may not be something sil would have done otherwise. That bit is so vague I don't think anyone but the OP can make a judgement on it.

It what I still want to know after reading the entire thread is, will SIL have to pay for it ? I thought collection only purchases generally involved paying there and then. That is a big deal if so!

[JackNoneReacher]

The only person making a 'big deal' is the OP who has got everything she wants, knows she should have asked first but doesn't care for the SIL pointing this out.

YABU.

[Mintyy]

Putting myself in the sil's place, I might well have been irritated by this presumption on the part of op. But then, I hope, I would have put myself in her shoes and would have been able to understand her logic. I sincerely hope I wouldn't have been a pompous arse and had words with my brother about it. Because that would have made me seem just too precious and actually rather curmudgeonly.

[intitgrand]

we don't know what OP did for pil. It may not be something sil would have done otherwise
presumably though her SILs parents are her DHs parents , so she is doing it more for him than her?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Minty

we don't know what "words" the SiL had with her DB, but I suspect that it was not much more than please ask in future.

After all being childless doesn't mean that you don't have a life.

[Mintyy]

I am going from what op has posted, BonyBack.

[Mellowandfruitful]

Seriously, collecting something from someone four miles away, to give to your sister (in law) who you already know you will see as a specific time soon (so no need to make arrangements) and this is seen as a big deal? I have done as much for people I don't particularly know to help them out. And I don't see what having kids, or not, has to do with it at all. The key issue here is whether you are generally easy-going about doing small favours for people or whether you constantly keep score about how much other people impose on you. Now at least the OP knows which group the SIL is in.

[SarahAndFuck]

"The key issue here is whether you are generally easy-going about doing small favours for people or whether you constantly keep score about how much other people impose on you. Now at least the OP knows which group the SIL is in."

But the person keeping score is the OP. Otherwise why mention how much she does for her DHs/SILs parents when expecting the SIL to do this?

That's the sticking point for me. The SIL has still agreed to do the favour, even though she wasn't asked beforehand, but after three telephone calls from OP and her brother she has finally admitted that she would like to be asked first in future. Which is a perfectly reasonable and polite request.

Even the OP says she knows she should have asked SIL first. So it just seems a bit mean to be complaining about the SIL now, for asking for a reasonable consideration, just because it's one the OP says she wouldn't want herself.

I think it's fair to assume that SIL isn't ringing the OP up to ask her to help out the PILs and aunts, OP is either doing that of her own free will because she says she likes to or she is doing it to help her DH more than his sister, as he is the one OP is married to. It sounds like the SIL lives very far away from her family while the OP and her DH are nearby. SIL isn't really in a position to help her parents, nor do we know how much or what kind of 'help' they actually need.

So saying that SIL is making a big deal out of thirty minutes/four miles when OP does a lot for her parents is unfair, and so is complaining about the SIL for quite reasonably saying that she would prefer to asked first in future.

[BadLad]

On the one hand sil is being saved time by op doing stuff for her parents and the comment suggests she should help them out as they are family, on the other hand when the op wants something from the family she is lambasted for having the cheek to ask.

Well, no. The OP is being criticized by some for NOT asking.

[HeggartyTotterington]

The OP acknowledges that she should've asked her SIL first

The SIL has agreed to pick up the clarinet

The SIL has asked to be asked before hand in future.

There is no problem here. The OP has what she wanted and the SIL has asked for a completely reasonable bit of courtesy in future. Why the hell would someone drag out this complete non-issue with a thread?

[Liketochat1]

Your SIL sounds very mean spirited. She's asked to do a fairly straight forward favour for her niece and you get a snippy response like that? It's totally understandable that you couldn't ask her first and its hardly a huge ask anyway. I would have done it in a heartbeat and would have been glad you thought you could ask me. Yanbu.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

liketo

she wasn't asked and it wasn't a favour for her niece.

[Arielle1]

Sil 'was' asked, only it was after op bought the clarinet. The reason op didn't ask before the purchase is understandable.
The clarinet has been bought for her niece's benefit- thus it is a favour for her niece. Her auntie finding this a big deal seems extraordinary to me.

[ApocalypseThen]

It might seem extraordinary to you, but we don't know whether this aunt has any particular feelings about this child. I'm not sure that I'm overly interested in all my husband's nieces or nephews.

The woman is child free by choice. So she's not interested in running around after her own children - and I assume it also means that she's not at the starter's gate should an opportunity arise to run after anyone else's, either.

I think the OP consistently regards her with the contempt she showed in this thread and the woman knows well what she thinks of her, her lifestyle, her childlessness and her husband. And having the long, childless hours filled with crappy assignments by lady bountiful probably sticks in her craw.

[pianodoodle]

I'm not sure that I'm overly interested in all my husband's nieces or nephews.

This is the SIL's niece not her partner's.

[ApocalypseThen]

Yes, but it still doesn't mean that she has any particular fondness for the child.

[sashh]

I think a lot depends on how you asked.

"Please collect this for us" - that would get my back up.

"I know I have no right to ask this but I didn't have time, X has been learning......... no other way to get it................certainly a one off........ will pay for petrol............ if you don't have time I could send a taxi to pick up and deliver to yours... let me know" - I'd probably be OK

[Sirzy]

are some people forgetting that even though assumptions were made about the sister in laws time she is still doing it? I am not sure why people are seeing her as the problem here!

She isn't the one who decided someone else would do her a favor without checking first. She isn't the one who has contacted them at least 3 times since about said favour. I can't see the issue with on the third time of discussing it saying "I am doing it this time but next time please ask first"

[Pearlsaplenty]

Yabvu I would have been very upset if you didn't ask first. It is very much an imposition.

I actually think even asking her and then being upset if she said no is unreasonable. You probably should expect a no.

Collecting things is never straight orward. Arranging times that are mutually convenient for buyer/seller is often difficult.

Also it is very presumptious to think she is able to run such errands for you as she has no children and works part time

[HanShotFirst]

Yes of course you should have asked, and I think you're SIL is completely reasonable to remind you to ask first next time.

As for the fact it would be helping out her niece, I actually think that's pretty low. I know a lot of people would love to be able to help their family out, but it's the whole thing that if you don't or can't then it's the child that will be missing out and then the person being asked looks like a right git!

We have this in our family at the moment with a family member booking a day to go out Christmas shopping for things for her children and other family members and presenting it as a done deal, so if the person refuses, which they obviously won't because that would mean the kids might miss out , that person looks like the bad guy.

I know your SIL isn't having to look after 2 children for 3+ hours, but the end result would be the same in both situations - your SIL and my family member would come out looking the bad guy when a bit more tact and politeness be much appreciated rather than assuming it's all ok.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

OP - I was in the wrong but I was not unreasonable was I?
Majority - Yes, you were unreasonable.
OP - Why?
Majority - It's like this.....
OP - You're all rude.

Love these threads.

[MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX]

Op is not punishing the sil's parents by not doing stuff for them the sil is by drawing the line in the sand.

Iam not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

Works both ways.

As for op keeping score, we have been in this position twice with friends.
One couple we had known for over 20 years. We never" kept score" just got on with things because they were our friends. It was only after we had for the first time ever asked them to do us a favour that would have involved 3 minutes of their time and was met with a no and don't ask us again it is not our responsibility to help you out that we began to realise the relationship was one sided. You do not want to punish others but when it is made clear that they have no responsibility to do anything for you.. Therefore equally you have no responsibility to do anything for them.

[AnnThology]

i dont see why its a big deal either OP