OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

[DrSeuss]

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

[ajandjjmum]

To me, it would be a case of how it was requested. Was it presented as a fait accompli, or more 'if you could it would really help, but if not we'll make other arrangements'.

Having said that, for four miles, I wouldn't have made a fuss.

[MrsDoomsPatterson]

I actually think your SIL will help you this time - but woe betide you if you carry on arranging little errands for her, she is just asserting her authority & I don't blame her!

You handled it in the wrong way. Best to be humble & apologetic & ASK, rather than give her a choice of time etc etc. That's what has her back up.

[DrSeuss]

Thank you, ladies, I shall now crawl back under my rock of entitlement to contemplate my extreme rudeness.

[Chucklecheeks]

I read your OP as I don't really like her but as I do stuff for her parents and she doesn't have kids she can do what I want even if I don't have the courtesy to ask. I don't know you but could your SIL have taken it the same way?

[Iamsparklyknickers]

Thing is DrSeuss, you recognised yourself in your OP that it really would have been the polite thing to do to ask her before hand so it's a bit off to get on the defensive when you discover that actually, yes, she did find it rude. You yourself have recognised that you could have gone about it in a better way although not practical.

Perhaps being contacted three times over it to see if she's 'ok doing it' has just pushed her into being honest. You know when people keep asking if you're ok, you say yes because you don't want to get into it and finally you blow because they just won't drop it.

The PIL thing, from my own personal experience - my father needs a lot of support. My brother is useless, he doesn't recognise half of the work I do (late night runs to hospital, getting up at 5am & trudging through snow to make sure dad has supplies and I can still get to work on time when DB lives a mile away and I live 8 by public transport, sorting out paperwork etc.) DP helps out whenever he can, he's not doing my brother a favour, he's doing it for me. It also slightly contradicts your 'it takes a village' ethos if you're silently keeping score.

The upshot is, she is going to do it, she does think you were a bit rude, but you're still going to get what you want. Recognise that it's not unusual for people to be annoyed about having their time volunteered without their knowledge, offer up a small token of your appreciation, apologise and thank and move on.

[lifesgreatquestions]

I'm unhappily childless but I would do this for my niece in a heartbeat. Of course its polite to ask first but I would also understand the Ebay circumstances. Poor you!

[differentnameforthis]

So you assumed that her time wasn't important enough for you to check it was ok for her to collect it?

YABU

[Twirlychair]

I read it like chuckle cheeks.

The way I read it was

You assume because she has no kids that she has more time than you. You actually called your BIL a toddler. That's not someone you like. And you've pointedly said you're a part time teacher. Which implies she isn't. And is looking down on her.

And it doesn't matter how much you'd do for anyone else - surely you give without expectation and aren't doing things for your mil to get brownie points to hold over your SIL?

That's how I read it. I could be totally wrong and if I am then I apologise. But it's possible that SIL took that attitude out of what you said and did even though you don't mean it.

[maddening]

Yanbu imo

Fwiw you can get a courier to pick up and drop to you - cost me £10 - I checked it was ok with the seller before bidding

[OvO]

BUT IS SHE HAVING TO PAY WHEN SHE PICKS UP?

Because that's standard practice with a collection item. I did ask but didn't see a reply so had a shout.

It would be massively unreasonable if she has to pay so I need to know before I can cast my YABU or YANBU vote.

[Tenacity]

OP you come across as a very unpleasant, nasty entitled person.

You are very lucky your SIL relented.

[fufulina]

YABU. Nothing pisses me off more than people adding to my to do list without asking. And I disagree that you should be able to take family for granted. I wouldn't even assume my mother would do this; I'd always ask first. It's not just picking it up, it's picking it up when the seller is in. It's a headache.

Agree with other posters, if you know you should have asked first, and SIL has said the same, why pissed off?

[SarahAndFuck]

Although I would collect something for my friends or family, it really is only polite to ask first. You never really know what someone else has going on in their life, whether they live five minutes away or five hours away.

You managed to ring her and speak to her to ask her to collect it after you had purchased it, so surely you could have done so before you bought it.

And you say "waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time" even though she has no children and works part time. But it does imply she still has a busy life, which you have made a demand on without asking first if she would mind.

It really makes no difference what you have done for her parents. They are also your DH's parents and your in-laws, you have your own relationship with them, and it's your DH more than anyone who should be pleased you have a good relationship with them and want to help them. I would be pleased that my SIL helped my parents, but I wouldn't want to think it made me beholden to her in some way.

And you say this "I asked her to give a day and time of her own choice to collect" but it comes across a little like you were doing her a favour in letting her choose the day and time. It was already a done deal, the clarinet was bought, so not really that much of a choice for her to pick when she collected it.

I don't think she is being unreasonable. She has agreed to collect the clarinet and bring it with her to deliver it to you at Christmas. She has also asked that in future you ask first if you want a favour like this and that seems fair enough to me. She is still helping you out now and hasn't refused to help in the future. She's just asked for a little consideration first.

I know it's not a problem to you but there are many reasons why it might be to her and her feelings are still valid even if you would feel differently or would do it for her.

Perhaps she already feels put upon from someone else and this has been a last straw moment, perhaps she's having an especially busy couple of weeks (as we all seem to have in the run-up to Christmas, even us part-timers ).

Perhaps she's not feeling well, perhaps she's worried about the responsibility of collecting the instrument in case it is not as described or she gets the blame for it being damaged in some way.

Perhaps she can't afford the petrol to drive and collect it, or she's wondering how to fit it in the car for the visit at Christmas when she and her DH will have luggage and presents etc, and perhaps their own instruments to squeeze in as well.

Or perhaps she's just someone who prefers to be asked first and is confident enough to say how she feels when that doesn't happen. I don't think that's unreasonable, she sounds like she did so politely and she is still collecting the clarinet and doing you the favour, she's just asked you to ask first in future.

[Twirlychair]

My best friend is childless. She works. She also volunteers at various things and attends lots of workshops and classes and other STUFF.

She lives a fair distance from me. I couldn't and wouldn't buy something and then assume she would pick it up. And whoever made the point of cash on collection is right too - is she having to pay for it on pick up?

I might agree to do,something but it would leave a bad taste in my mouth. I might have thought not a big deal but then if the seller was only available two nights a week and one of those nights was my class and I'd have to be late or leave early because the seller only wanted pick up between 7 and 8 and and and. .... All of a sudden a 5 mile drive becomes an hour round trip and a whole ton of aggrrystressy.

[SmilesandSunshine]

YABU to assume she'd drop everything for you on short notice. I'd have told you to get stuffed. Family or not.

[piratecat]

just sounds like you and she didn't have any sort of relationship to start with. think your need to get this item meant you asked her to something beyond what is normal between you and her.

[OralB]

Your post is written like you think she has nothing better to do as she is "childfree by choice" and is therefore just sitting around waiting to be asked to do something!!

YDABU

If it was me I wouldn't pick it up just for the cheek of you

[toffeesponge]

OP - take no notice. You DO NOT sound anything like what tenacity said.

I hope your DD enjoys her new instrument.

[Greythorne]

My parents and my sister would do this for me. No question.

My SIL? I wouldn't even ask.

Blood relative thing.

[Tenacity]

toffeesponge She certainly sounds like that to me.

[SlightlyDampWellies]

I am in several minds about this. Firstly, if someone had got a massive bargain on ebay that I could hep them with, I would try and do that. (keen ebayers here).

But, you seem to massively presume that her time and her commitments are not important because she has no children and because she works part time. That comes across as being pretty offensive on a whole range of levels.

A friend of DH's asked me recently to deliver by hand a small gift to a friend of his father's, as it would apparently mean more to that person to have it delivered by hand and not by royal mail. The friend was doing it as a favour to his father and thought I could execute it as a favour to him. Fine. But, I had no car, which he knew. So it took me 20 minutes each way on a bus, with two DCs in a buggy while the elder one was at school. For my DHs friend, it seemed like a quick trip into town. For me it was logistically quite a headache. When it was finally done, i rang DH;s friend and he said that he knew i would not mind, because it 'is not as if you work or anything'. (Part timer, work from home).

I snapped at him; 'what am I? Staff?' and hung up.

[TigerFeet]

You don't sound rude or entitled to me but you've answered your own question in your op... it would have been better to ask. Did you really not have time to call her before bidding? Your background is similar to mine in that something like this wouldn't be an issue, I would have been happy to collect if I were in your sil's position. Not everyone's like that though, dh would prefer to be asked first.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

I'm always willing to help friends and family but if you had the attitude that i did nothing all day and am therefore available at your beck and call you'd have been told to arrange a courier.

Given collection only items need to be paid for in cash, you definately needed to agree this in advance and bank transfer her the money etc.