OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

[DrSeuss]

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

[toffeesponge]

If she actually said "her full consent in advance" then she is pompous madam and I would be maybe rethinking all I did for her in future.

Definitely pay her petrol, make sure she is not out of pocket at all in any way.

Remember in future she isn't as helpful as you and doesn't want to help you without fucking full consent.

Did you tell her why you bought her without checking first, pointing out the bargain it was and as she is your DD's auntie you assumed she would want to help her niece?

[dreamingbohemian]

That's great you're from a happy helpful village. You don't honestly believe everyone grows up like that though? And that other people aren't wrong for feeling differently?

Again it's not about you and what you would have done, it's about your SIL and you making assumptions.

[ChasedByBees]

I th

[OvO]

Is she going to have to pay for it too? Usually you pay I person when it's a collection only item. That would be unreasonable.

[ChasedByBees]

I think you were really rude - how much depends on how you asked. It sounds like you've not actually spoken to her at any point which is really bad form. Did you ask her or tell her to get it?

[FamiliesShareGerms]

You have said it yourself on your OP: you know you should have asked first (yes, you should). And you assumed because she has no children she would have the time to run the errand for you (which is horribly presumptuous and a little bit judgy).

Flip this round (assuming it isn't a reverse AIBU already): how would you genuinely feel if out of the blue came an instruction to run an errand? No prior warning, no acknowledgement that they should have checked with you first as a courtesy (even if they knew you would say yes), and an assumption that your childless status meant that you were practically twiddling your thumbs waiting for things to fill your time. Bit annoying...?

You need to phone, not text, to apologise for being presumptuous and say thank you properly.

[DrSeuss]

Spoke to her twice in person. Was absolutely not rude. DH rang her this morning just to check it was all still OK. He got the earful, not me.

[ChasedByBees]

X posts - I asked her to give a day and time of her own choice to collect. you told her then. So rude.

[toffeesponge]

You really were not rude or thoughtless . When you have a family there really should be an element of being able to take each other for granted as you should want to help someone you love. Obviously ignoring those who treat you like shit.

[LessMissAbs]

YABU. I've encountered a few too many of this breed of women recently who assume other people will be as willing to run around after them as their husbands are.

You were rude. Your SIL was polite, measured and helpful in her response. You are still being rude. You clearly annoy her and she is gritting her teeth in order not to say so and still helping you. What exactly is your problem? That she is not grovelling at your feet, telling you how grateful she is to have get boring little life filled with tasks to complete by you?

[toffeesponge]

Chased. She "asked her to give...."

[Joysmum]

DrSeus

I'm all for helping each other out but as a SAHM myself with others seeing me as having lots of time on my hands, I'd be working full time doing chores for others if they all thought like that.

People may work part time because they can't get a full time job or they may work part time because they don't have the time to work full time.

That's not the issue anyway, it's about showing common courtesy and manners.

Your justification about her hours means you are belittling her role in life, something I've come across all too common in mine so something I'm very sensitive to.

[BillyBanter]

I don't get it. You know you should really have asked first but you're pissed off that she has asked you to ask first.

[ilovesooty]

She pointed out to you that she would prefer you to ask in future. I don't see what your problem is.

Your implication that because she is childless she has plenty of time to drop everything to help out is offensive.

[DrSeuss]

I also work part time, actually.

[Killinascullion]

YABVU. You already accept you should have asked her first.

However, you would rather come on here to justify your behaviour by saying she only works p/t and doesn't have kids. (!) so what?

The courteous thing to do is apologise nicely, accept you made a mistake and agree to be more considerate next time. She's agreed to help you out after all. No need to flog a dead horse is there?

[Lilacroses]

I agree with you, it's not a big deal. I think I would have called and asked first but agree that I'd expect her to say yes! I'm learning that people often respond in quite strange ways to things though!

[Sirzy]

It is wrong to presume somebody else will do something for you. I have children and would happily help people if they asked me BEFORE making the decision of what I was going to do with my time. I would be mighty pissed off if someone said "I have purchased something and arranged that you will pick it up for me"

Her job, her choice not to have children and anything else is irrelevant really.

[ChasedByBees]

Toffee - she asked her to give a time and date. Not asked her to collect it. If you ask someone to give a time and date to do something, the assumption is that they are doing it. Therefore, in effect, she told her to do it. She needed to ask about whether it was possible to collect it at all.

If someone said, 'can I ask a really big favour, would you do this?' I'd say of course and think nothing of it.

If they said, 'I've bought something near you so it would be easy for you to collect it, you can choose a time and place', I'd react like the SIL.

[CwtchesAndCuddles]

It sounds like she is being a bit of a drams queen!!!

I have friends and family all over the country and we often collect ebay items for each other.

You now know how she views helping out close family - one day that might just come back and bite her on the bum!

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Where is the item? Or where does sil live?

Four miles from my house now would be no issue at all. Jump in car, drive, home 15 mins later. When I lived in London four miles could be several buses/tubes sndta major pita. Which is it for sil?

[2rebecca]

I don't think SIL is being unreasonable, she's said she'll do it but wants asked next time not taken for advantage. I think you're sounding very entitled by posting on here moaning about her. She's doing you a favour, why are you bad mouthing her? Better to tell you she wants asking first in future than her quietly seething and resenting you treating her as a gofer.

[Joysmum]

chasedbybees beautifully put.