OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

[DrSeuss]

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

[ImperialBlether]

She sounds absolutely vile. Of course you didn't do anything wrong. She's part of your family. Your child is her only niece. It's not putting her out except for half an hour of her life. You, on the other hand, help care for her parents - she assumes this will continue, doesn't she?

[PTFO]

OMG. Would it have killed her to have helped her brother by collecting a very small item taking 30 mins out of her life- for family. Really?!

Was it such a big deal to her, its not as if OP does this all the fecking time that SIL is sick of her taking the piss. Its a one off. Family help each other out.

If I was your DH OP, id have told sis where to go if this was SUCH a big deal/problem/effort. I don't think I could take an ENTIRE day at xmas to spend it with her then, driving down there, presents geez.

OP what was your DH thoughts on this matter?

[kungfupannda]

You should have asked first. For all you know, she might have every spare minute over the next few days accounted for, and will finish up having to deal with an annoyed seller who wants their money and the item gone.

4 miles doesn't sound far in theory, but it depends on the roads/parking. If someone asked me to go 4 miles south, east or west to collect something, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. If someone asked me to go 4 miles north, I'd be making sure it fit in with my existing arrangements as it's a pain in the neck of a route, and there are no guarantees of getting parked.

Besides, she's doing it. She's just asked you to check first in future. You can't surely be so entitled as to think she has no right to ask that?

[pianodoodle]

This is definitely one of those where people just have different ideas of what is a big deal

Nasty and entitled? Definitely not. My In-laws will do the odd favour but they like to have a lot of ceremony and have a way of making you feel like you should be on your knees thanking them.

My family (including myself) would just have gone "yeah cool when do you need x/y/z, done the favour and never spoken of it again because it's just what you do.

So I always assumed that's how family's worked. It depends what you think of as a massive favour too. Nipping out to pick something up doesn't seem a huge deal to me. Also, if I ever need a bigger favour I wouldn't want to be in the position of having been sniffy about doing the same for the other person in the past...

[Corygal]

Why do you think being childless means available to do your little jobs?

[Belize]

OP you sound a bit sanctimonious to me. Just because it wouldn't be a big deal to you and everyone in your village would do the same doesn't mean that you can presume that everyone is the same.

Saying that she is child free is definitely making the observation that she has more free time than you, whether she has or not is irrelevant.

I think if you had rung her and been very apologetic and said that you would reimburse her fuel and been extremely grateful as you know how busy she is (!) then she may have felt differently to just being informed that she could choose a time and date at her convenience.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Why you could not have phoned her to talk to her before bidding I dont understand.

[lljkk]

I think the auction was ending too soon to have time to ask, Quint.
I am on the fence.
SIL is selfish, OP is presumptuous.
OP is not outrageous to think it's a small favour, SIL is right to think she should have been asked first.
Suspect there's a whole lot of history here and neither actually likes the other.
I wonder if SIL would have been fine about it if her brother had made the bid, presumption & request, etc.

[ImperialBlether]

Corygal, the SIL assumes the OP will care for her parents. That's a bigger assumption, isn't it?

[ImperialBlether]

Belize, the OP's SIL works part time and has no children. Of course she has more free time than someone who works part time and has children!

[Twirlychair]

Imperial - but surely the op has a husband and if it doesn't suit her she can say no? Rather than having it imposed on her? Maybe that's at the heart of this, the op feels put upon to do stuff she doesn't want to do for her PIL? Stuff she thinks her SIL should be doing?

[higgle]

My brother once made arrangements for me to go to an auction and bid on a car for him 30 miles away from where I live, without asking me first. I didn't mind as I'd never done anythign like that before and it was quite fun.

[SlightlyDampWellies]

See Imperial you are presuming you know more about the SIL's commitments also due to the no child factor. You have no idea what she does with her 'spare' time. Work and children is not the sum total of our lives. She may have volunteer work, she may be buying groceries for a sick friend or neighbour. She may be visiting the bank for a remortgage, she may be cooking for an elderly relative, she may be studying part time. You are assuming that because she is childless and works part time, that her non-paid work is not important.

*edited to add.... the above examples are what I have been doing this week, as well as my part time 'non job'.

[QuintessentialShadows]

"Corygal, the SIL assumes the OP will care for her parents. That's a bigger assumption, isn't it?"

That in itself is a big assumption. OP says "Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask." It does not say that sil assumes op will care for her parents.

Not sure that SIL would see the link between op helping out her husbands parents, and she picking up an instrument somewhere.

[Iamsparklyknickers]

I think that's a massive presumption there Imperial.

SIL's parents are the OP's DH's parents - it's her husbands ultimate responsibility to thrash out who does what with his sister. If OP does anything and resents it then it's her DH she needs to take it up with, not her SIL.

[SarahAndFuck]

OP thinking about this a bit more, I think it would be unfair of you to focus on what you do for her parents and aunts or on the way you hoped she might want to help your DD.

And I think it would be a big mistake to say so to SIL or anyone else. You will come across as resentful and it might upset your DH, PILs and aunts as well as your SIL if they end up thinking you don't actually want to do the things you do for them.

You say you are happy to help anyone who needs it, as this was the way you were raised.

But in bringing in what you do for other people of your own free will, and suggesting that SIL should remember this now, makes it sound as if you are not actually all that happy about helping those people out.

Are you helping them because you really want to help them?

Or do you see yourself as only doing what SIL should be doing if she lived closer?

It's hard to say without knowing what it is you do for them, or how capable they are of managing without you.

But really if you help them it should be because you want to, which you say it is, or to help out your DH as they are his family/responsibility just as much as they are your SIL's and he is the one you are married to.

I know you say you were brought up to help and that this is about reciprocation, but unless you really do believe you are only fulfilling your SILs responsibilities, the people most obliged to reciprocate to you are the PILs, aunts and your DH. They are are the ones most directly benefitting from whatever it is you do.

And where you say "Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask", I think you have to remember that you actually didn't ask, reasonably or otherwise, until after you had won the clarinet.

And at that point, she really couldn't say no.

Is it possible that the three telephone calls checking arrangements and asking her to chose a time and date to collect it have left her feeling a bit pushed to hurry up? Rather than making her think she could collect it at her convenience, she feels she has to collect quickly because you and your DH keep calling her about it?

For someone who normally takes a while to reply to telephone calls and emails, three calls to ask her about the arrangements and if things are okay for her could feel quite pushy.

[ImperialBlether]

Twirly, she hasn't mentioned she doesn't want to care for the ILs. I was just saying the OP is doing such a lot for the SIL's parents, it seems very miserable to begrudge picking up a musical instrument, something that would take half an hour.

SlightlyDamp, I'm not suggesting the SIL doesn't have other things to do with her time, but I still think half an hour out of the week isn't a big request.

[Twirlychair]

But the op can say no to doing stuff for the PIL.

The SIL has been presented with a fair accompli.

And if the op feels she's getting put upon to do stuff she doesn't want then she has a mouth on her and should use it.

As I said, I think that's at the crux of this.

[flowery]

I wouldn't at all mind doing this for my SIL, and I'm an extremely busy person.

However I would be a bit if she arranged without just checking with me first. That's just good manners.

As it's so close to her and hundreds of miles from you, you've put her in a position where she can't really say no, so however nicely you may have phrased it, it will effectively be telling rather than genuinely asking.

She's doing it but wants to be asked first next time. Sounds absolutely fair to me.

[ImperialBlether]

I think the crux of this is, where's the kindness? They are supposed to be a family. If you can't be kind to people within your family, what's the bloody point?

[Blu]

It's great that you would do this for anyone else, it's great that you have helped her mother...but it isn't for you to assume how anyone else should feel or ought to behave or that they think and feel like you.

Maybe she should never presume on anything without asking!

Be grateful - she is picking up the clarinet. Next time, check first.

And don't work this up into an on going feud. You already sound resentful, with comments about her DH etc.

It is No Big Deal.

You presumed, she's doing it , she asked for 'no presumption' in future , you get your excellent clarinet. All done and dusted.

[Twirlychair]

Morrison - if you had my in laws......

[Brittapie]

I've not actually seen you say if she drives or not...

Because i get quite a lot of drivers assuming that is it just distance that decides if places are hard to get to or not. There are places 20 miles away from me that are easier to get to than places 4 miles from me on public transport. I would probably end up getting a taxi, which would cost around £12 each way. That could be a lot from her budget if she only works part time.

[Thumbwitch]

I think you're both being a touch unreasonable, tbh.

I think you should have tried to contact her at least, left a message, you don't know, she might have actually picked up first go for once and then this would never have come about.

But OTOH, it is only 4 miles and not that big a deal really, so there's no need for her to have made such a song and dance about it.

Still, at least you know now, don't you! :)