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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

322 replies

DrSeuss · 17/11/2013 10:00

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

OP posts:
qazxc · 17/11/2013 10:12

I don't see the problem. You know you should have asked her. She will do it, just asking that in the future you run it past her first. That sounds entirely reasonable to me.
Why be so judgey about her life choices?

HarryStottle · 17/11/2013 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarewinning · 17/11/2013 10:12

YANBU. I may have a little harrumph if someone expects a favour but I wouldn't begrudge doing it as I know I'd be helping out.

The only time it would be unreasonable is if you said it had to be collected that day by a certain time.

WhoNickedMyName · 17/11/2013 10:12

Well I'd have no problem picking something up when I was passing, but I wouldn't be happy about finding somewhere in my house to store a clarinet till Christmas.

But anyway, She's said she'll do it, and has asked you to ask her first in future. What exactly is the problem here?

And what does her not having children have to do with anything?

Iamsparklyknickers · 17/11/2013 10:12

Because technically you were a bit rude/cheeky I'd take it on the chin and accept that I was in the wrong gracefully.

There's nothing to gain by pointing out the tally of favours done when you already know that you've lost a bit of high ground by knowingly being a bit cheeky. It may be that she has other things going on, it could be in a place that's a mare to get to or simply that this is one of those things that she personally finds really irritating and rude (take a look at this board - tis a fucking minefield! Grin)

Apologise and give her a little token present when you collect the clarinet from her and enjoy a harmonious relationship by not letting it get blown out of proportion.

carabos · 17/11/2013 10:14

My DM bought a dining table and chairs on eBay for my sister from a family who live very near us (walking distance). DM and DSis live 100 miles away. Having bought the items, DM asked DH to collect them in our horse box and take them to DSis house. The diesel cost more than the table and there was no offer to pay.

I love my DM and DSis but that was rude and thoughtless, as were you OP.

dreamingbohemian · 17/11/2013 10:14

YABU

I think your attitude is terrible actually. What, she doesn't have kids, so she must just be lounging around on the sofa all day and thus freely available to run errands for you?

You don't even say you've helped her out before, only her parents. So, your husband's parents. Which is what you should do anyway so why should she be grateful to you for that?

I could see you starting this thread if she refused to do it but she didn't, just asked you to ask next time. Which is completely reasonable.

3littlefrogs · 17/11/2013 10:15

WhoNickedMyName
It is a clarinet, not a piano!

HarryStottle · 17/11/2013 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xCupidStuntx · 17/11/2013 10:15

I think she seems like an oddball! I would have done just the same as you, because I would do anyone that favour without question.

Joysmum · 17/11/2013 10:15

Just because I would like somebody to ask me first rather than making assumptions, doesn't mean I would want to help. I would just hope that whoever needs my help would have common decency to ask first.

What you did was rude unless it was an auction with a postage option so you could let her know she need not of it if she was busy but would save on the P&P costs and risk.

Mind you, if it were me doing the collecting for you I wouldn't know what to check for on a clarinet to make sure it was as described and that would make me feel uncomfortable, same as my hubby when he collected a saddle as we were taking a risk it was not as described.

YellowDinosaur · 17/11/2013 10:15

It's probably about how you asked though isn't it.

Alibabbas 'you need to go and collect this for me', by text, would piss me right off.

A phone call to explain you didn't really have time to ask her because you were worried you'd lose it given that it was such a bargain, and you'd be really very grateful if she would help you / her niece and I'd do it without a second though.

How did you ask?

Splatt34 · 17/11/2013 10:16

Have you thought that some people have a genuine fear about going to the houses of people they don't know it buy things. I always feel a bit uncomfortable. I have a friend who got in such a tizz about going to stranger's house in the next town because they wouldn't post that I went for her. Maybe SIL feels like this. You should have asked, sorry.

VodkaRevelation · 17/11/2013 10:16

Some people are a bit selfish and don't like doing things for others whether they have been asked in advance or not.

Even in situations where I have been asked to so something that actually does cause a bit of a pain in the arse for me I didn't let on because if people ask for a favour I don't want them to feel bad about it. Imagine being the person people don't want to come to and think "oh she won't help." about. That'd be sad.

WhoNickedMyName · 17/11/2013 10:17

3littlefrogs come and take a look at the house I'm in at the moment. There really isn't room to swing a cat.

winklewoman · 17/11/2013 10:17

Yes of course you should have asked, but I can understand why you were anxious not to allow the clarinet to be snapped up by someone else. If she habitually doesn't answer the phone or emails quickly, you should have left a very grovellng message explaining the urgency with lots of " I hope you don't mind........ I will be so grateful......etc etc" . She is NBU to ask for notice in future.

WooWooOwl · 17/11/2013 10:17

You keep saying you would have down it for someone else, but that isn't even vaguely relevant. You weren't asking a favour of yourself, you were asking it of someone else.

Presumably the things you do for your inlaws isn't as a favour to your SIL, you're doing it because you choose to for your husbands family and you would do it whether or not SIL even existed. So that is also irrelevant, as is the fact that she works part time and has no children.

I honestly can see why you fell you have a problem here. You were in the wrong, and you're still getting what you wanted. You should be thinking yourself lucky!

I think it's your attitude that annoyed your SIL.

Grennie · 17/11/2013 10:17

Don't make this into a big deal. I think you are both being reasonable. But don't assume because she has no kids and works part time she has lots of time. I am in this situation but am very involved in running various feminist projects. She may have all kinds of commitments you are unaware of.

RevelsRoulette · 17/11/2013 10:18

I would be really really unhappy if someone just told me that they had bought something and I had to fetch it.

I think it is very rude. Doesn't matter that she's 4 miles away. Wouldn't matter if she was next door.

It's wrong to make an arrangement and then tell someone that they are to do something for you and that you made the arrangement because you had already decided that they were going to do it and now you're simply informing them of the fact!

I'm not surprised she was cross about it. It doesn't matter what 'it' is, how much or little a 'big deal' it is decided that it is. How the person who has just been given an instruction feels matters.

It's totally different from asking for a favour. In this case, the favour has been decided without the input of or consent from the person doing it!

Original poster
DrSeuss · 17/11/2013 10:19

I asked her to give a day and time of her own choice to collect.

It genuinely never occurred to me that it would be a problem. I grew up in a village. The first thing I said about David Cameron's Big Soceity lets all look out for each other plans was, "And how is this different from what my family and neighbours have done since anyone can remember?". It's just how we are in my home village. We genuinely find any other way a bit odd.

OP posts:
kali110 · 17/11/2013 10:19

Yabu
Shes going to collect it for you. Shes asking you next time to just ask her and not assume she will do things. Its not unfair. Just because she doesn't have a child doesn't mean she doesn't have a life.
Can understand you wanting to get the clarinet whilst it was there but it was still rude to not ask.

fanjobiscuits · 17/11/2013 10:20

YABU and assuming your concerns/life are more important than hers.

dreamingbohemian · 17/11/2013 10:21

And yes I know how ebay works. I understand why the OP wanted to get the deal, but none of that is her SIL's problem.

What you should have done OP was ask if she could collect it OR could you arrange for a courier to pick it up and drop it off at her house. Hence only really asking her to store it.

fanjobiscuits · 17/11/2013 10:21

What have you done for her in the past?

NorthernLurker · 17/11/2013 10:22

I expect sil thinks that if she just let this slide next time it will be a 10 mile round trip and then 15 and so on. She's not wrong to assert that she wants to be asked not taken for granted. You weren't wrong to think she'd help out her niece.
I would give her a big bunch of flowers as a thank you - get them delivered. Family peace is worth that much!