OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

[DrSeuss]

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

I had a couple of very close colleagues / friends in my team at work who were like the OP. They both had children and I didn't have any at that point in time. Their attitude was I should be doing all the late (unpaid) extra meetings, all the early starts, all the extra paperwork, take on all the next projects, because I didn't have children and they did. They actually both said it to me separately several times. We were all paid the same, all on the same salary scale point and none of the tasks gave me extra credit as they were for the benefits of all the team and all took credit.
I was happy to help out in an emergency and do slightly more than my share, but they really took the piss. Didn't I have an equal right to a decent work-life balance because I hadn't been able to conceive yet? I realise they had their husbands and children to rush home to each night, but surely I had a right to do what ever I wanted outside main directed hours too rather than doing their share of the additional workload?
Maybe the OP's attitude of she's got time to do this favour because she hasn't got children has pissed her SIL off too?

Ok Ebearhug - even if the item was already bought, I'd still be happy to go and pick it up.

In this hypothetical situation I imagine that SIL would be very polite and appreciative in the way she asked - this may or may not be the case here.

I think the fact that she said to ask next time likely means that she has stuff on at the moment and you have put her out and caused her to change her plans or reorganize.

Or perhaps seeing as the ask first request came from her dh, perhaps he is fed up with you and others assuming that as she is doesn't have an important job like a teacher childless she is free to run their errands for them.

You know the clarinet is likely to be crappy? Ebay is rarely such a great bargain - and usually only for very random & large items.

I run around lots for other people - but this would have pissed me off. If she
a)works
b) knows about musical instrument
she is probably none too chuffed to inconvenience herself for an instrument that probably needs all the keys re-felted - for a price which probably totals to more than a proper instrument, once her exertion of time, effort & petrol is considered.

In particular - if she is expected to hand it over at Christmas, as part of your Dds Christmas present - she probably doesn't want to be embroiled in what she anticipates being a disappointing Christmas present.

I don't see what the issue is here. You bought something on ebay assuming sil could collect, she agreed but has asked you not to assume and ask her first (which is fair enough) so what you do now is apologise and make sure you ask first if there's a next time. I don't think it was unreasonable to think a family member would do a four mile journey to pick it up if she has a car and if you have a good relationship, I also don't think it's unreasonable of her to be pissed off, you didn't ask which was rude. I think you are unreasonable for thinking she is in the wrong because she doesn't think in exactly the same way as you.

HowmanydaysuntilChristmas. What did you do about it?

P.S. the kids thing is a red-herring. I can easily make something like this part of an 'adventure' for my DC - so I think I would have been more peeved with this request when I was in my '80 hour working week' days.

Initially I was young and a mug. Then I said "sorry, no I'm busy" when meetings and extra work came up and tried to sort a system to share the work load. One of my "friends" reported me to the boss!

OK, next question screaming out to be asked: what did the boss do about it?!

Procrastreation, you say, "once her exertion of time, effort & petrol is considered." Did you realise the instrument is FOUR MILES AWAY?

FFS, the clarinet was not a present from the SIL!

God, I wish people would read the bloody thread.

Well - a student clarinet should cost about £100.

The OP hasn't said how much her Ebay one cost - but let's say £60 for an instrument in unknown condition.

I drive 4 urban miles to work & it takes me 20 minutes - so let's estimate 1 hour there & back, including getting lost etc. Plus about half an hour arranging it and talking to the seller etc.

I pay my cleaner £10 per hour, and I earn £35 per hour. So I would estimate the 'lost earnings' at somewhere between £15 and £50 per hour, plus petrol.

Which I would do to collect something special.

But I would resent it for a flimsy bargain.

And wtf is the 'musical instrument knowledgeable' SIL meant to do when she is faced with a 20 year old warped clarinet, no felt under the keys, silver plate all worn off on the top, keys wobbling, case with no clasp? Does she grab it and drive off? Does she test the instrument? Does she haggle with the owner for damage not mentioned on the ad? Does she phone OP and give her a full run-down of the condition?

It's so not worth the hassle for the SIL.

Sorry, didn't intend to drip feed. I was accused of bullying ... not sure what I was doing that was bullying (think it was saying I wouldn't do it all and that if they didn't share the workload it just wouldn't get done, even if it was essential work for the children). I cried, explained my side of things and the head said it was my own fault for doing it for the first year and a bit (I was a newly qualified teacher and obviously keen to fit in and impress), but left it at that. Thinking back I was not impressed with how she handled it, but I did learn not to be a mug from it and how to manage staff for later in my career when I reached SLT level!

Actually it does make a massive difference what kind of area you live in as to whether or not 4 miles would take a long time or not.

I'm very rural so 4 miles in any direction I would know like the back of my hand and would only take about 10 mins max? Plus a quick 5 mins of chat whilst it's handed over. 4 miles in London you could get hideously lost I suppose.

I have read all the thread but cannot remember if the OP said what kind of area her SIL lives in. She might well drive past the place every day on her way to her 'part-time' job .

As for the condition of the clarinet, I would take a very brief glance to check it was in the case but unless it was obviously in very poor condition it would get bunged in the back of the car and then into the under stairs cupboard until Christmas time.

Another point is that you say you have spoken to her on 2 occasions, and then your DH rang her again about it this morning.THree times!! Do you not think you are pestering her a bit?

The SIL has agreed to do this favour for the OP, but just requested that in future she be asked before she is committed..I think this is an entirely reasonable stance.People do not like to be taken for granted !

SmilesandSunshine I can only thank my lucky stars I'm not related to you. You sound like a peach.

HowManyDaysUntilChristmas

I can relate to all of your posts, both through family (previous post) and at work. even down to the complaints because I had stopped helping them (doing their work for them).

Was told, a few pages back, that my suggestion of not doing anything for dh and sil parents was a childish suggestion.
Cannot get my head around this comment. On the one hand sil is being saved time by op doing stuff for her parents and the comment suggests she should help them out as they are family, on the other hand when the op wants something from the family she is lambasted for having the cheek to ask.

Milly

surely the OP isn't doing the stuff for/because of the SiL, she is doing it for either the PiL or her DH?

So Milly, you are basically saying the the PIL should be punished because of a (very petty) disagreement with SIL? Nice!

The problem of storing a clarinet?! Are they that big then?! I don't have a huge house but I'm sure I could find a space in the loft or the bottom of a wardrobe - it's hardly a double bass.

This reminds me of MN threads about how 'it doesn't take a minute to whip up some fairy cakes' - which I never understood until I moved into a house with a kitchen bigger than 2 sqm, with an oven that kept a reliable temperature, a food processor and the cupboard space to keep stocks of vanilla etc.

I'm sure that storing a clarinet for six weeks is no hassle if you have a nice 3 bed semi. But, before kids, DH & I lived in a city studio flat. A tidy city studio flat that I took pride in being fairly sparse.

The moral of the story is to try to avoid assuming & imposing on others.

She is doing stuff for the SIL's mother, not her dependant child. The SIL's mother is an adult. If someone chooses to help my dad that is between them and my dad, they aren't doing me a favour, they're doing him a favour and he thanks them. If someone does something for my kids they are doing me a favour and I'll thank them, but usually if I've been involved in whatever it is they're helping with.
If you decide to help other adults, related to you or not you have to help them because you want to, not so you can feel virtuous compared to other more distant relatives.
The OP isn't helping out the SIL, she's helping out her husband's mother.

Clarinets are pretty small.

But it still all adds up to a whole pile of hassle to achieve not much.

I think SIL recognises this as a poisoned chalice, where she gets the hassle of procurement - then gets the blame when it's a crap instrument.

Seriously - second hand clarinets are a rubbish thing to buy sight-unseen.