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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

322 replies

DrSeuss · 17/11/2013 10:00

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 17/11/2013 16:25

But we can only comment on the situations we read about on these threads, based on the evidence we are given! We cannot make up a completely unsupported hinterland of depression in SIL, other overwhelming demands on her time etc - we have to trust that we are being given all the major facts, or else you cannot give any opinion on anything!

Not entirely - I don't see any problem with presenting possible reasons why behaviour might be out of order. It could be that there are things going on with the SiL that the OP doesn't know about, which could be as simple as going away for the weekend, or a million other things. The OP hasn't considered at all whether there could be anything that might make having to collect the clarinet awkward, she just made assumptions about other people's time without even asking first, and that is why she's being unreasonable.

fanjofarrow · 17/11/2013 16:45

You all sound incredibly entitled, and all obviously think that the world revolves round you - not that you should be helpful to people just because you can be and it might create happiness - now there's a novel thought for some of you.

Sorry, but that is downright rude, and very judgmental indeed. I was raised to be kind, am very close to my family, and am quite happy to help anyone out. I still would not expect someone to do me a favour without me having asked them first. This is because I was also raised to have basic good manners. Ta.

intitgrand · 17/11/2013 17:30

But it's an 8 mile round trip (probably at this time of year in the dark)to an unfamiliar house, meeting a stranger , paying for an instrument.The worry about what to do if it's a pile of crap, housing it til xmas.Actually it is quite a big ask.

valiumredhead · 17/11/2013 17:38

It's rude because you presumed she would do it, you need to ask first OP and give people the chance to say no. I imagine she felt she had no choice at all. I'm also not sure why you mention she has no kids, people can be busy and have commitments if they don't have children.

I'm off read the whole thread now as I only read the OP.

valiumredhead · 17/11/2013 18:04

Actually after a friend's awful encounter with someone when picking up an Ebay item I wouldn't be collecting anything!

SecretNutellaFix · 17/11/2013 18:09

You sound dreadfully presumptuous.

You ask first of someone wouldn't mind picking it up if you won the item, or sort it out yourself. Nominating someone to do a task for you is extremely rude, especially if they have no idea that the task actually exists.

valiumredhead · 17/11/2013 18:16

Another option would be for the seller to arrange for a cab to drop it off at your sil's.

Rowlers · 17/11/2013 18:27

I've not read the whole thread but find it really sad and depressing that we feel guilty / are made to feel quitly for asking family /friends to help us out with little favours.

Yes it's polite to ask first but I would understand the situation and not bat an eyelid if I were put in same situation.
So I've read a thread on here today where loads of complete strangers on t'internet are offering to write and post Christams cards in the name of Janet and Roy to unknown people for a bit of a giggle but ask your own family for one simple favour and the message is "YABU".
Don't get that.

Grennie · 17/11/2013 18:33

Rowlers, it depends on your family. I have done favours for my SIL, it is totally one sided. She and my DB really don't give a damn about me. So I don't put myself out for them anymore.

2rebecca · 17/11/2013 18:41

She didn't say no though, she said yes but next time ask me first. She was maybe pissed off with the endless phone calls she was getting about it as well, 2 from the OP then one from her brother "just to check you're OK with it" maybe made her get a bit grumpy where as if it had just been the one call she'd have been fine.
She maybe felt "OK you keep hassling me about this and don't accept I'm happy to do it so if you want grumpy I'll do grumpy"

NewNameforNewTerm · 17/11/2013 18:46

Has the buyer stipulated a collection time, i.e. do they work? In which case would the collection have to be an evening?

No matter, I wouldn't be doing that favour for my SIL. Not because I don't care for a DN or want to help her. But because I have had an experience that has made me frightened of knocking on a stranger's door and maybe even needing to go inside to pay and collect the instrument. Maybe the SIL feels upset that the OP has put her in a position where she feels the same.

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/11/2013 18:53

Ok - let's imagine a different scenario for a moment. OP sees a real bargain online that she realises is a very unusual opportunity but has to be grasped fast. However, being polite, and not wanting to take her SIL for granted, she phones to ask if she would help collect but she gets no response either to her phone calls or email. After persevering for a while, the OP goes back online and sees that the clarinet has been snapped up by someone else. Later, when SIL phones to ask what all the messages were about, the OP explains, but adds that it's no longer relevant because, in the interim, the item has been sold. SIL is genuinely sympathetic and sorry that the OP has lost the opportunity and says "Oh, you should just have gone ahead! You didn't need to ask in advance - of course I would have done it!"

Now that is the relationship the OP thought she had with her sister-in-law, and those were her expectations of another member of the family ( which she obviously practices herself, with her parents-in-law). In a lot of families, ithere is a mutual assumption that people will help each other - obviously, this would usually be asked and agreed in advance, but occasionally, in special circumstances, this is assumed.

I think this incident has changed the OP's views of her SIL - she is surprised and a bit hurt, and that is what she is expressing in her post.

lemonmuffin · 17/11/2013 18:55

Good grief, what an idiot. Her not you btw

josephinebruce · 17/11/2013 18:57

There is no way that I would have done this for anyone - especially after insulting my DH and making assumptions that my time is less important than yours because I don't have kids!!! It's also really presumptuous to assume that an aunt would be do grateful for having a DN that she would do anything for her. And finally does she make you so anything for her parents? You do seem very smug and martyred.

FreeWee · 17/11/2013 18:58

My sister asked me to pick up a bike 2 miles down the road from me but 50 miles from her. She was prepared to do the trip but wondered if I'd mind. What goes around comes around so I said yes. That's what family do. Yes you should have asked first but 4 miles for her niece shouldn't be a massive deal. YABabitU but so is she for making a big deal out of it.

Floggingmolly · 17/11/2013 19:03

Yes, you should have asked first. No, it's not a big deal; I'd do it without a thought.

Rowlers · 17/11/2013 19:03

I got the impression that this was a one-off favour, and not the latest in a series of cheeky requests.

Mia4 · 17/11/2013 19:05

I don't see the big deal tbh, OP. I think YABU, not for buying the item but for being annoyed that your SIL is assertive and has agreed to it but told you not to take her for granted next time. From her POV, you could either have prior for this or perhaps she's had instances where people have assumed like this and then kept right on assuming so she wants to be firm from the get go.

I have a friend like that, 'give an inch and she'll take a mile', it wouldnt put me off other people but i know several others who her attitude would make be more assertive to anyone to stop potential piss takers.

Honestly, I would have brought the item too but i would have then texted SIL asked if she'd mind picking up something if I brought it near her rather then telling her I brought an item and was wanting (or expecting is the implication) her to pick it up

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/11/2013 19:14

My brother told me that I had to pick up a collection only item and deliver it to him. I did so.

An hour to the coast to pick it up, an hour back. A 5.5 hour drive to his house to drop it off, he then told me that I should be driving straight back. No food, no drink, no sleep, no petrol money. Barely even a thank you.

My friend however rang me to ask if I would pick up an engine part for him. same distances (give or take). but I got fed, a bed to sleep on and petrol money.
I did the same thing again for my mate a couple of months later and then lent him my car for a month because his need was more than mine.

If my brother had of asked when he rang the next time for the same type of thing he wouldn't have been told to fuck off.

The short end of this story is YABU.

Rowlers · 17/11/2013 19:17

Boney, sounds like the short end to your story is that your brother is an arse.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/11/2013 19:23

Rowlers, yes he is, I have gone NC with him.

But I see aspects of him in the OP.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 17/11/2013 19:26

I'd actually have been quite pleased if SIl had asked me to do this. I quite like doing favours for people providing they don't put me out too much.

Boney - no way though I would be driving 5.5 hrs for someones ebay purchase, relative or not, you sound very kind.

EBearhug · 17/11/2013 19:27

I'd actually have been quite pleased if SIl had asked me to do this.

But she didn't ask...

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/11/2013 19:31

theoriginal

The term mug seems more appropriate Grin

GreatSoprendo · 17/11/2013 19:40

I think it probably depends on your family dynamics. In my rabble family if anyone called me and asked me to pick up something just 4 miles away as a favour to help them and my niece out, I just wouldn't think twice about it and be happy to help. I'd ask the same of them too (and have done similar in the past) and it would be a non issue. Ideally you'd ask ahead, but it's not always practical as ebay can move fast. My whole family use ebay though so they would all 'get' the practicalities.

I don't think YWBU in the slightest. If the clarinet is 4 miles from my house, I'll nip and get it for you Smile