OK, I should have asked first but I honestly don't see why it's such a big deal!

[DrSeuss]

DD plays the clarinet . We currently rent one. I saw one going very cheaply on eBay, collection only, four miles from SIL but hundreds of miles from us. We will be seeing SIL at Christmas. She is child free by choice. (Her husband is a giant toddler but that's a whole other story!). I bought the clarinette immediately before anyone else could. This will very soon pay for itself. I rang SIL, asking if she could collect it for me please. DD is her only niece, it was four miles. I would have done that without question for anyone I know. I genuinely saw no problem although I agree it would have been more polite to ask first. However, waiting for SIL to answer the phone or return an email can take time. She has no kids and works part time. Thirty minutes to help someone who has helped her parents a fair bit seemed a reasonable ask.
She will collect the clarinet for us, I have been informed. However, I am not to assume she will help at any other time unless I have her full consent in advance.

"All the people on here getting on their high horses about 'not being asked' need to come down to the real world, where people help each other without requiring someone to grovel. You all sound incredibly entitled, and all obviously think that the world revolves round you"

Who said anything about requiring grovelling?

In my real world people help each other out, but they also have manners and courtesy and are in fact the opposite of "entitled", as they don't just assume people will run round after them without checking first..

Agree 100% with SueDoku. Yaddnbu OP. Sil is being very petty and I'd never ask her for anything ever again. The only thing I wonder is do you have a bit of history with her, though? I'm surprised at her reaction to something so small tbh. Or maybe she really is just a prickly type of person. I do lol at seeing the You Must Not Expect Anything Ever brigade getting in a steam about perceived entitled people though. Nothing like an entitled thread

all the people on here getting on their high horses about 'not being asked' need to come down to the real world, where people help each other without requiring someone to grovel.

Yes quite. The OP says she should have asked first and presumably would have done in an ideal situation - but then asks was it really such a big deal?

IMO - No it wasn't a big deal and not worth making a point over.

flowery, you're spot on.

Get Hermes to collect it and tell her not to worry.
You probably should have checked first but she's being a bit OTT .

I'd happily do this for SIL and in the same circumstances I would have done what you did - and assumed that SIL would be happy to pick up.
I'll check with her next time I see her if that is indeed the case .

Difference I guess is I get on well with SIl and it appears you do not.

Even if there is history with the SIL and OP, the favour will be helping out her niece so the fact that it was the OP who asked shouldn't matter.

I'm not sure either why quite liking to be asked if you would do a favour makes you "entitled" ?

I must be very entitled then. What with not liking people to just assume I'd do things.

I think the SIL is very well aware of how the OP views her and her "giant toddler" husband and thinks the OP has a massive cheek expecting her to run errands for her.

Oops!

Way too many "hers" in there!

Thanks thumb, I was definately projecting .

Op is disparaging about the choices made by her brother and his wife. She doesn't seem to like her very much.

The op would have no problem in undertaking this type of favour. Her sil may not want to visit a stranger's house. It was presumptuous of the op to arrange a favour.

Sil has said yes but could she ask in future. Sounds reasonable to me.

The important thing that people are missing is the the op's SIL wasn't happy & obviously thought op was being unreasonable. She was the one landed with the task!

I wonder if there's history too.

Don't have family myself so trying to imagine if the scenario happened here.

I know a friend lives near to the collection point. Friend works part time and is often hard to get in touch with by phone or email, there isn't time to get hold of her before potentially losing out on the item, so I take a chance.
I don't think she's a free agent or has any more time than 24 hours in a day, but perhaps she has more flexibility than someone with children because she doesn't have to factor around their routines too. Either way, because of circumstances it doesn't seem like something that will put her out in a massive way.

I do get hold of friend, after the event, and ask the favour saying 'Of course, I would've asked first if there'd been time, but...'

The kind of people I know might just have said, ya cheeky bugger, although I doubt it, and I don't think in a million years any would've got all high horse with me.

And it goes without saying that I'd help out any of my mates similarly.
Shame about the strain on the relationship.

It really was very rude of you. You've made a number of statements about sister in law and her husband which might be true or equally might simply be your assessment of the situation.

The statement about her husband being a giant toddler was I assume, intended to be amusing and make us warm to you and think what a jolly, fun person you are. In fact it's judging and irrelevant to the issue. Maybe she has picked up on the fact you think her husband is a bit of a prat which might explain her lack of enthusiasm at being roped in without being asked.

Well I would happily do that because I'm nice like that. But, if I ever got wind of the fact that someone thought I ought to do it, because I am part time and I have no children, (thus my time is considered to be less important), I would be majorly fucked off. To the point that I would still do it for you this time (because I wouldn't want you to lose your money or anything), but I would tell you in no uncertain terms that you must ask first next time. Much as your sil did. Its fair enough.

No fucker spends my time for me.

It's not anybody else's to allocate to jobs they want done.

It is MY time and I will use it as I see fit.

An 8 mile round trip that had to be organised with a stranger and involved going to an unfamiliar place to pick something up and pay for it is actually a pretty big ask.

I would do it for somebody I liked if they asked me first.

If I had a patronising dick of a SIL who thought she was the fucking salt of the earth and she took it upon herself to make this arrangement on my behalf, I would have told her to make her own arrangements for picking up her property, because I was too busy.

I think agreeing to do it and only giving her brother an earful afterwards is pretty decent of her.

You sound truly awful, horribly bad mannered, and like you don't know what it means to help people out. Just how to use them.

'Get Hermes to collect it and tell her not to worry.' That's DEF what I'd do. Tell her to forget it. Sorry you asked. Lets hope she never needs any small favours from anyone.

I think I'd have said 'would you pick it up, if it's convenient, but if not, no probs., I'll ask for it to be sent'. After all, the postage would have not been too bad (but insist on sender sending it 'registered' or whatever it's called these days [says bitter oldgrandmama, whose Ebay purchased antique silver forks never arrived ... seller, stupid sod, sent them ordinary second class mail]

"You all sound incredibly entitled, and all obviously think that the world revolves round you"

See the problem with this statement is that it could apply equally in favour of the OP or the SIL.

The crux of the argument isn't about whether or not you should do favours for family, but how you go about it. In this case the OP did know that it's one of those things that generally you err on the side of caution with because some people would find it rude and therefore offensive. It's no surprise that after being pushed the SIL said that she was and to not do it in the future without offering the courtesy of being asked first.

I really don't intend any offense to the OP, but it does remind me of speaking to a teenager whose just been told off for not tidying up when they chuck dirty socks in the washing basket and huff and puff when you remind them of the house rules.

Sometimes you just have to accept you're in the wrong without bringing up everything wrong with the person you've pissed off.

Not having kids doesn't oblige you to spare more time

But the OP doesn't make a habit of asking her sister-in-law to do things like this - or there's no evidence to suggest that. This was a one-off request regarding something that was very important to her, and to her daughter, her sister-in-law's niece!

The OP has acknowledged that, ideally, it would have been more polite to have asked her SIL before buying the clarinet but had a good reason in this case, not to have done so - time was of the essence and she would have lost a rare opportunity to buy something, which is usually very expensive, at a good price, if she had delayed to contact her SIL first. I'm sure that, under normal circumstances - where she had time to seek her SIL's consent in advance - she would have done so.

Her SIL's attitude seems very grudging and mean-spirited in the circumstances - her insistence on being asked in advance next time is an implicit objection to being asked on this occasion and is, quite clearly, intended to be seen as that. I don't blame the OP at all for being hurt and annoyed. If you can't expect a little help from your family, when you need it, who, on earth, can you rely on? The OP, in my opinion, is not quoting her help to her PIL as a quid pro quo for her SIL helping her in return, but simply pointing out a very different model for interaction within families. I know which one I prefer!

But for all we know, the SiL may have had any number of requests for little favours (quite likely at this time of year, if she's a musician), and then OP comes along expecting her to fit in yet another thing without even asking. I can quite see how it could be the straw to break the camel's back.

And you can't always rely on family, far from it. You can in some families, but certainly not all. There are enough threads in MN to show that.

When I was in the throes of depression and anxiety a few years ago, asking me to go somewhere I hadn't been before when it wasn't a thing I regularly did would have caused me massive problems. I got butterflies in the tummy before even starting off to the local shop. I tend to sound pretty much together and confident most of the time so unless someone knew me very well they probably wouldn't even realise. And a lot of people have it a lot worse than I did. At least I could go out.

The bottom line is, never assume a thing is easy for someone just because it would be easy for you.

ps I am the one in my family who had children and I was still aghast at the presumption that not having children means you (a) can and (b) ought to want to run around for other people's. Doing it is another question, and indeed she has agreed to, but why should she be expected to like it?

pps We don't know who else has been asking SIL for favours. She may have been given the merry runaround by friends or family and the OP unwittingly fulfilled the role of last straw. For all anyone knows she may be trying to hand-rear a litter of puppies, is sleep-deprived and is afraid to leave the little tykes alone while she jaunts around the countryside on clarinet duty. You just don't know what's going on in someone else's life. That's why you ask.

Ha, cross-posted EBearhug !

It's really irritating when people assume just because someone doesn't have kids it means they've automatically got loads of time on their hands and therefore 'should' do stuff.

Personally I wouldn't mind doing a favour like this, if you hadn't phrased it like she's got nothing better to do because she's not got children!