to think dh is prioritising his kids over ours?

[FigRolls]

Dh has recently reestablished contact with his children due to my encouragement, which is great and they are very happy. However, without any discussion with me he's agreed that he'll visit for tea every Tuesday and have his children every single weekend he's not working (he works shifts) as well as during all annual leave. This means our 6 year old will no longer be able to do the extra curricular activity she adores on Tuesdays as we wouldn't be able to travel there as he'd have the car. It also means a 2.5 mile walk home from school during winter with our toddler also who detests her pushchair. It means no more weekends away as his children have to be home by a certain time on Sundays and cannot be collected til Sat lunchtime. It means no more holidays as dh won't challenge his ex to ensure he can take kids on holiday. It means dd having to give up her only other extra curricular activity on Sat mornings too as he'll have the car to fetch his children. So dd gives up both activities, no longer gets weekends away or days out yet his children get both with their mum and dh accommodates their activities. Also, my sister lives 3 hours away and I cannot drive that far due to health issues. Therefore, dh making this agreement means never being able to travel to see her again. I wholeheartedly believe contact with his children should be a priority but surely our children and life should be given some consideration too? AIBU?

Well, for the last 18 months of not spending any money on petrol or anything on his older children, except for maintenance (I hope), they have been living a bit of the high life. Holidays here and there and long weekends.

Now, that there is contact, all those luxuries will have to be curtailed. Who gets the blame? The DSCs and the evil ex.

I don't think you have any choice right now but to find the money for another car.

Why do you live so rural when you don't always have a car and can't drive long distances? And you sister is in the same situation? Its just so impractical.

Do you not live with your dp then?

What did he say when you pointed out that your dd would have to give up her classes so that his children could attend their classes? I assume you have actually talked about it? Asked him to come up with a solution seeing as he made these commitments?

FigRolls I,ve also read some previous threads of yours.

Things seem very muddled and confused. Your relationship seems one sided.

This thread looks like going tits up, you,ve been called out for a multitude of inconsistancies.

I think an honest (as in lay it truthfully all out there, even the painful bits) thread on the relationship board , would perhaps add the clarity you seem to be seeking in recent threads. The advise on there is brilliant, sometimes objectivity voices what we already know in our own hearts.

I hope you're o.k.

FigRolls you could always start a new thread with a new name. People are happy to give advice but you need to be clear and honest about what the dilemma is.

This thread is a bit of a train crash and may not last long.

If your job pays so well that you dont need tax credits, child benefit etc yet can afford to keep one adult, two children and a boyfriend then surely working a few hours in the day overtime would mean an extra car?

Your dd goes to her dads at the weekend so surely he takes her to the activity anyway so thats a red herring.

I don't know what to say - like most people I feel disgruntled when you spend time and consideration replying to a thread based on the facts given so far, but then later find out what you thought was the story might not be quite the whole picture after all. Though I do fully accept that that's my choice and it's a risk you take responding to any internet thread.

I don't know what to think any more. But I do think it'd be a bid odd for anyone to start multiple threads themselves if they didn't have worries and concerns of some sort. I agree with DavidHarewoods who suggests being completely honest and starting a new thread if you want advice and support which might actually help - you're only going to get that if you give people the full honest story.

I was posting on your other thread last night and feel less sympathy for you after reading this. He abandoned his children for almost 2 years to play happy families with you and your child, the 6 year old is not his. then had another child while still ignoring his own children he tossed aside.

do you really think he has any rights to fight for contact according to his or your agenda? what do you propose? his first children alter all their activities you suit your dd, then when its all too much bother and he pisses off again they are left with nothing.

I don't understand why people are trying to give the OP advice when she is clearly making stuff up as she goes along. What IS your agenda OP ?

If this is a namechange from the OP who has firefighter husband, who hid from his kids from a former relationship at the swimming pool... who won't move in with OP, and has a lot of debt....

OP, go to the relationship board and get stuff out there. I really do think it will help. I think you feel trapped as fuck in this relationship and desperately need 'permission' to get out.

All threads go the same way. OP lays out a scenario. Rejects all suggestions and supplies further info making it clear that she believes nothing at all can be done about the situation. She seems to solicit bad feedback about her DP - then defends him or rejects criticism of him.

She's having arguments here that are dramatisations of her emotional state. Trapped, trapped, trapped.

Get off aibu and go to relationships. I do think people will help there.

Just read all the OP's threads for this month. Wow. Just wow.

Good post jeans

I actually don't think he is being unreasonable. Your child can still do her activity. Get a taxi, cheaper than a second car.

btw, I absolutely don't think OP is a troll, or has an 'agenda' as such (I do think she tries to cover tracks a little bit occasionally but I can't blame her for that!) - I do think she is very unhappy and often all over the place a bit.

i remember adjacent threads about how knackered she was coping with pretty much everything on her own (DD plus baby and no help from non-resident father) - and another one criticising women who have a lot of help with their dcs when they could and should be doing most of it themselves.

I really don't think there's agenda here, just unhappiness and confusion. And i know it takes two to tango, but I want to strangle this bloody man who keeps on having children he can't look after. What a total shit.

Ok, I had read all those threads but hadn't matched them all up as being the same OP

Fig, this man does not seem to ease your life in any way. Why not just make some plans for yourself and your children? Your car, use it for your own children and their activities. Let the useless oaf man organise his own life and responsibilities without you having to constantly mop up.

OP, I'm fairly sure that two weekends a year could be found to visit your sister. Kids get ill. Tell him that if they ever cancel a weekend, the first priority is to find out if you want to visit your sister.

I read that your 6 year old has a biological Dad - could you ask him if he could take over the Tuesday and Saturday activities, and maybe if there is a homework conflict you could compromise by offering to do homework with her Friday evening?

Can I just say, I often (under name changes) have changed irrelevant bits of information in OP's, to protect my identity. I would have thought that was normal?

sadly i don't think the op is a troll either.

i think the children involved in this hideous adolescent car crash are actually real and stuck with these poor excuses of grown ups as their parents.

shiny these aren't irrelevent bits really. and if the bio dad is doing everything when the rent a dad is busy what exactly is the op doing?

other than planning to get pregnant again?

Theres only one difference i could see on all those threads under different names and thats the ages off the OHs children, it was 6 yr old twins or 6 and 7, everyone else points to the same person.

I dont believe Op has an agenda either, she sounds very confused, trying to do her best, but cant help finding fault when solutions are found.

Yes, I'd skipped over a lot of that Numpty, just went back and read it. It does all sound very complicated. Perhaps OP could start one thread with all the information and let people help her untangle everything, if she wants.

ShinyBauble. Yeah that's normal. I do that.

op please get some real life help for your relationship from relate or else where.

I also recognise/remember a few threads under different names from you. I really feel for you as I think you try really hard to be the best mum you can (despite a difficult childhood) but your dp doesn't support you at all :(

Also I think I may recall you saying you are pregnant(?) I'm not sure if you are but if your aren't please hold off on ttc until you are happier with your life. You are still young and have plenty of time to have another baby. It would also be a shame to give up your career goals.

Get more car seats, one problem solved.

I get the feeling you are making problems where there are none to avoid dwelling on the huge gaping hole problems in your relationship and way of managing your life and family.

Kindly suggest digging a little deeper to think about why you are unhappy and confused?

I too am wondering what job the OP does that enables her to put her DCs to bed at 9 (apparently), spend hours many evenings posting lengthy and detailed threads on MN and still earn enough to support her whole family.

Utterly bizarre.

Odd thread. OP, people have given you lots of good suggestions, but you seem determined to find obstacles. What's really going on here?