to think dh is prioritising his kids over ours?

[FigRolls]

Dh has recently reestablished contact with his children due to my encouragement, which is great and they are very happy. However, without any discussion with me he's agreed that he'll visit for tea every Tuesday and have his children every single weekend he's not working (he works shifts) as well as during all annual leave. This means our 6 year old will no longer be able to do the extra curricular activity she adores on Tuesdays as we wouldn't be able to travel there as he'd have the car. It also means a 2.5 mile walk home from school during winter with our toddler also who detests her pushchair. It means no more weekends away as his children have to be home by a certain time on Sundays and cannot be collected til Sat lunchtime. It means no more holidays as dh won't challenge his ex to ensure he can take kids on holiday. It means dd having to give up her only other extra curricular activity on Sat mornings too as he'll have the car to fetch his children. So dd gives up both activities, no longer gets weekends away or days out yet his children get both with their mum and dh accommodates their activities. Also, my sister lives 3 hours away and I cannot drive that far due to health issues. Therefore, dh making this agreement means never being able to travel to see her again. I wholeheartedly believe contact with his children should be a priority but surely our children and life should be given some consideration too? AIBU?

Also if the after school activities are not important, then surely for extra time the older children can miss one too.

this daft and unreliable behaviour is probably what led to his ex wife breaking off contact.

there has to be a sit down talk discussion with all the adults concerned so all the children are prioritised equally.

get a taxi for the Tuesday or can you pay a friend?

I agree Lucius, but there will be a child missing out no matter what now that the father in this picture has decided to have more children than he can deal with well.

It's unavoidable and inevitable that someone is going to be disappointed, because that is the situation that was created.

Yeah Woo, though a bit of thinking might have meant that there was minimal missing out for all the kids.

Not much respect for a man who doesnt see one lot of kids, then decides after much pushing to see them, and leave another lot out, you gotta wonder what will happen if OP splits with him.

It might, but if this is a long term situation that has gone through the courts, then I don't think extra curricular activities are going to be that high up the priority list when deciding on contact times.

I should imagine that if I'd had children with a twat that hadn't bothered to see his children for a long time, and had meanwhile gone off creating children elsewhere, I'd be reluctant to let my child stop doing activities they enjoy so that my ex can ferry his new children to theirs when he decided to better getting back in touch.

Better meant bother there. Auto correct is on one.

I would like to know the back story to this.

Why didn't he have contact?
Why did he have to be "encouraged"?
Why won't he challenge his ex?

As some said, if hes going to tea on tuesday, he can find alternative ways of getting there, the weekend is something that cant be budged on really.

Pure speculation here, but maybe he won't challenge the ex because after a period of no contact, telling her that he doesn't want his new dd to miss an activity so his older one will have to instead now that he's back on the scene, isn't likely to be well received.

Boney, i'd like to know the backstory too, who stopped the contact.

An option is for him to find another way of getting there on a Tuesday, but if he already pays the full cost of having a car then it might not seem like an attractive option to him.

Another option could be OP providing her own car if she doesn't want to change her dds activity day, which her H should also contribute to.

i know this is in no way helpful but there is no way on earth i would let my child bond with and call a man 'daddy' who had already abandoned his own flesh and blood. how on earth could he seem a person worthy of risking ones child's heart upon?

i have no idea why anyone chooses to have children with someone like this when the reality of who they are and what kind of parent they are is writ so large!

i only hope anyone reading who is a single mum will learn from this and be really careful about their relationships and who they muddle their children up with.

Numpty, it depends on the yarn they spin, i know my ex would blame it all on me for his lack of contact with DD, even though we know its not, he just cant be arsed, but i know i'd get the blame.

Ok from OP's other threads she doesn't live with her DP because he refuses to sort out his divorce. OP do you really think someone who ignores his own DC for months to the point where you have to persuade him to make contact, who won't sort out a divorce despite the fact that you have a baby together, is really going to give two hoots about making arrangements to fit around your DD's activities? I would suggest that is the least of your worries.

I have seen that your DD sees her Dad regularly, could he help out with any of the arrangements?

so this is a boyfriend she doesn't even live with and who isn't even divorced and her child is calling him, 'daddy'??

i don't know what planet people live on

lucius yes but that wouldn't sell me in the slightest - either a) they're lying or b) so fucking what why aren't they in court fighting it and if it's true their track record is of massive messiness in relationships with kids in the middle anyway....

there's no nice spin to be made.

With all the money you're saving on weekends away and holidays buy a second car. Your sister can visit you or you can meet halfway. You're honestly not going to 'never see her again' that is being melodramatic. This can all be sorted out. You sound a bit jelous tbh. Don't let there be another falling out where he never sees his kids for a stretch again. For all your assertions that you encouraged and think it's a good thing for him to see them, you do sound like you're finding a lot of problems where there are none.

I agree Numpty, but some do believe the spin dont they. No spin would wash with me at all.

I lost DD to SS for a while, as i had crippling depression, i had a smack myself and fight to get her back, and i did, because shes my baby.

I've just read OP's other threads and it suggests that one activity, has actually started yet, so its not like thats established.

And the other kids are the same age as her DD, kinda sad feeling more on side for the first lot of kids now.

I can't believe this 'D'H just made the arrangements without discussion with the OP. How disrespectful and belittling.

OP, come back and tell us if you've told your DH what you think of all this and what he said.

If the OP doesn't live with her partner then its upto him how he arranges s time. Presumably the car is his as the OP doesnt mention it being hers.

Sheer madness to have a small child call a boyfriend dad when her own is on the scene and involved on her life.

The OP has been selective in her posts. Surely if her DD has two involved biological parents it is not actually her DP's responsibility to forgo time with his own DCs to facilitate her activities. I see that sentiment expressed to step mums on here all the time, why is this any different?

So OP is expecting a man who may as well have TWAT branded on his forehead to mess around his arrangements to see his children for a child that isn't even his to go to an after school club?

And she refers to her children as 'our' children when she doesn't even live with this man?

Just

And her DD still sees her own father. She has another thread complaining that Dad won't do homework with her on his contact weekends. The whole thing is messed up.

It is VERY weird that the OP refers to him as DH when he is still married to someone else. And it's just plain irritating that she can't even be honest about basic details when trying to get anonymous opinions from the Internet.

OP, if you drive a car into a tree, you have to expect to end up with a car crash.