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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is prioritising his kids over ours?

225 replies

FigRolls · 17/11/2013 00:02

Dh has recently reestablished contact with his children due to my encouragement, which is great and they are very happy. However, without any discussion with me he's agreed that he'll visit for tea every Tuesday and have his children every single weekend he's not working (he works shifts) as well as during all annual leave. This means our 6 year old will no longer be able to do the extra curricular activity she adores on Tuesdays as we wouldn't be able to travel there as he'd have the car. It also means a 2.5 mile walk home from school during winter with our toddler also who detests her pushchair. It means no more weekends away as his children have to be home by a certain time on Sundays and cannot be collected til Sat lunchtime. It means no more holidays as dh won't challenge his ex to ensure he can take kids on holiday. It means dd having to give up her only other extra curricular activity on Sat mornings too as he'll have the car to fetch his children. So dd gives up both activities, no longer gets weekends away or days out yet his children get both with their mum and dh accommodates their activities. Also, my sister lives 3 hours away and I cannot drive that far due to health issues. Therefore, dh making this agreement means never being able to travel to see her again. I wholeheartedly believe contact with his children should be a priority but surely our children and life should be given some consideration too? AIBU?

OP posts:
OrangeJuiceSandwich · 17/11/2013 14:21

My overriding thought is that no sensible person lets their child call another man 'Dad' when they are not their Dad, or at the very, very least has made a legal commitment to the child.

basgetti · 17/11/2013 14:25

And she spends every other weekend with her actual Dad. Bizarre.

OrangeJuiceSandwich · 17/11/2013 14:29

Exactly. And before anyone starts with the 'its what the child wants' nonsense. DS wants to call his sister 'Bogie brain poo face'.. However I manage to stop that so I fail to see the logic in that argument.

Noone should end up like SIL's ex. He'd called 4 men that were not actually his Father 'Dad' by the time he was 12.

helenthemadex · 17/11/2013 14:37

its all very jeremy Kyle!

if I have this right, the OP lives with DD and ds but DH lives elesewhere, the DH is not in fact her dh, dd calls DH daddy even though he is neither dh or df but he is the father of ds (?)

Now she wants DH to take her dd to an out of school activity rather than see his own dc!!!

OP ask DD father, and stop ttc, in the words of JK put something on it, you sound very immature and self centred to me

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 17/11/2013 14:38

I sacrificed a love life so my DD wouldnt have a string of men in her life, just incase it didnt work out.

Unlike her stupid dad who has introduced his 3 previous girlfriends after me in 4 years we've been apart, first 2 barely last a year. Infact the first only lasted about 5 months. And actually told the first she would be DD's mum and they'd have a happy life, luckily the first was a lovely woman and made it clear that DD has a mum.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 17/11/2013 14:39

Infact, i think my ex was an idiot to let the first one go.

helenthemadex · 17/11/2013 14:40

its fine having a love life, I have no problem with that but what ever and who ever is in my life my dd have a father already and despite the fact he is a useless dipshit knob he is the useless dipshit knob that I had children with and the man in my life is NOT their father and they will and always should know that

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 17/11/2013 14:43

My major issue with ex is that he doesnt see her much, pays some maintenance, but only sees her for a day every 6 weeks, barely sees her at xmas because hes got women to be with.

He knows he could have 50/50 care if he wanted too, he just cant be arsed.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/11/2013 14:52

It has to be a wind up surely, didnt realise the OP didnt work as presumed she did given she keeps having children. Grow up, find a jon to fund a car to take your children to activities and find a man that is willing to be there rather than just pop over now and again.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/11/2013 14:53

Job even. Blooming ipad typing.

Original poster
FigRolls · 17/11/2013 15:04

Not sure where all these presumptions come from. I do drive, it's both of our car, I do work and do not claim benefits.

The Tuesday activity is 7 miles away with no public transport as it's out into the countryside. The roads are windy and poorly lit so not happy to use a taxi with no car seats, regardless of the expense. No one can bring dd home from school, we live on the opposite side of town. I have a bike and trailer but toddler is too small for it plus it's impossible to use if it's icy or snowy anyway. There's public transport to his kids on a Sat but it'd take hours which his kids wouldn't tolerate on the return journey and it isn't fair to take our dds on a two hour round trip to collect them. My sister cannot drive and lives in the middle of nowhere, public transport there would take over 5 hours and we can't just take dsc along as someone suggested because he doesn't collect them til 1 on a Sat, my ds is 4 hours from them and then they need to be back by Sun afternoon so it'd mean 8 hours of travelling for them, 10 for my children and less than 6 waking hours with my sister.

OP posts:
janey68 · 17/11/2013 15:10

As you, your sister and all the activities you want to do appear to be in the middle of nowhere, it sounds like a car each is essential. You have children of your own, he has children of his own, and you have various activities you want them to pursue. You'll need to prioritise a car each in your finances. It's probably worth cutting down the amount of activities and visiting you do (as you are clearly spending a shed load on petrol) so that you do fewer things overall but have a car each to get to them. You could also think about increasing your work hours? You mention doing the school run so it sounds as though you aren't working full time . And I wouldn't even be entertaining the thought of another kid while you feel so disgruntled about your boyfriend at the moment

basgetti · 17/11/2013 15:13

The benefit claiming was an assumption from some posters, but that doesn't alter the fact that your OP was full of half truths directly contradicted by your other threads. So why do you think your boyfriend should prioritise your DD's activities over seeing his own children?

mrsjay · 17/11/2013 15:15

why do you need to see your sister every weekend it sounds like you want him to see his children when it suits you he has children he needs to see them your daughters activities do not take priority over his children ,

mrsjay · 17/11/2013 15:16

oh cross posted with basgeti

50shadesofmeh · 17/11/2013 15:21

I apologise for assuming you don't work OP I just thought that's why you and your 'OH ' don't live together. I don't see any other reason why a family would do that.
And if it is a shared car you get a say in whether he is it or not surely.

clam · 17/11/2013 15:21

And sorry to bring in info from another thread Blush but why on EARTH are you considering signing your dd up to a club that's a 45 minute drive away, if there's all this going on as well.

basgetti · 17/11/2013 15:22

So isn't the DD actually at the club yet then? I assumed it was a beloved longstanding activity. Christ.

Original poster
FigRolls · 17/11/2013 15:25

I work from home Janey which is how I do school runs, increasing hours isn't an option. Basgetti, I didn't say he should prioritise my dds activities over seeing his children. I said he should've discussed plans as we share a car and are all supposed to be a family, not making unilateral decisions which disregard others. If I wanted our children to be his only consideration, I wouldn't have pushed him into reestablishing contact with his other children would I. Mrsjay, nowhere did I say I need to see my sister every weekend. However, occasionally would be nice which is now impossible due to his lack of discussion.

OP posts:
Original poster
FigRolls · 17/11/2013 15:28

It is a longstanding activity. The 45 min drive one is a potential new one. 50shades - yes, you'd presume I'd get a say. He obviously thought differently!

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 17/11/2013 15:31

Why are you living separately, if he has debt, then wouldnt it be prudent to not have anymore children until said debts are gone, then you might be able to get another car when you arent funding 2 households.

misspontypine · 17/11/2013 15:31

You seem to just be finding problems.

Just take the car seats out of your car and use them in tge taxi on Thursdays.

Why is it "not fair" for your dd to sit in the car for 2 hours but it's ok for your dp's children to sit in the car for 2 hours?

5 hours isn't that long, I'd imagine the car journey to visit your sister takes 4+ hours anyway?

SoupDragon · 17/11/2013 15:32

nowhere did I say I need to see my sister every weekend

But he isn't seeing his children every weekend.

mrsjay · 17/11/2013 15:32

i wouldnt drive 45 minutes there and back for any activity you are going to have to re think that one imo, have you said anything to him about his plans what did he suggest about the car can you see your sister on the weekend he is working

Idespair · 17/11/2013 15:32

Given what you both want to do, you need 2 cars. You say you can't afford another car but you need to find a way - maybe you sell the existing car and buy 2 cheaper ones. Maybe you increase your mortgage to get money for a car. Maybe you borrow from family. But what you say you stand it lose - not seeng your sister, your dd dumping all her activities etc - it's quite a serious curtailment!