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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is prioritising his kids over ours?

225 replies

FigRolls · 17/11/2013 00:02

Dh has recently reestablished contact with his children due to my encouragement, which is great and they are very happy. However, without any discussion with me he's agreed that he'll visit for tea every Tuesday and have his children every single weekend he's not working (he works shifts) as well as during all annual leave. This means our 6 year old will no longer be able to do the extra curricular activity she adores on Tuesdays as we wouldn't be able to travel there as he'd have the car. It also means a 2.5 mile walk home from school during winter with our toddler also who detests her pushchair. It means no more weekends away as his children have to be home by a certain time on Sundays and cannot be collected til Sat lunchtime. It means no more holidays as dh won't challenge his ex to ensure he can take kids on holiday. It means dd having to give up her only other extra curricular activity on Sat mornings too as he'll have the car to fetch his children. So dd gives up both activities, no longer gets weekends away or days out yet his children get both with their mum and dh accommodates their activities. Also, my sister lives 3 hours away and I cannot drive that far due to health issues. Therefore, dh making this agreement means never being able to travel to see her again. I wholeheartedly believe contact with his children should be a priority but surely our children and life should be given some consideration too? AIBU?

OP posts:
janey68 · 17/11/2013 15:33

Why are you considering your dd starting up a new activity 45 mins away if you can't afford your own car, and you can't increase your work hours? You seem happy to spend exorbitant amounts on petrol, oh and also you are considering the expense of another child and the childcare that will entail- yet you cannot contemplate investing in a cheap runaround car? Hmm
Oh hang on, are you going to tell us now that you'll magically manage to work without childcare for the next baby you want?
Also, if visits to your sister are an occasional thing, get her to come to you half the time. Or meet somewhere between the two homes. That will halve the travel costs and is entirely fair

There is an awful lot here that seems a bit fishy ....

mrsjay · 17/11/2013 15:37

But he isn't seeing his children every weekend.

this op you seem to be looking for problems you seem to want your boyfriend to not see his children on the days YOU want to do things yes he should have spoken to you but even if he did you would still want it your and your daughters way your child is not his from what I understand she really isnt his priority in all this you need to sort the car issue as sharing is not working

Morgause · 17/11/2013 15:38

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time OP. If the car is half yours then I think you are entitled to a say in how it is used. He was very selfish to make arrangements without talking to you.

Your DCs are just as important in the family as his and you are right to tell him so.

Original poster
FigRolls · 17/11/2013 15:40

Miss pontypine, the only way to take car seats out and put them in taxi is if I do this before school run, pay the taxi to wait while I collect dd, pay it to take us the seven miles to activity, wait outside for an hour for it to start, then reinstall them in taxi on return journey. It's a lot of money, a lot of hassle and a lot of waiting in the cold for activity to start. My children would be in the car for two hours as it's an hour there and an hour back. His children would only have the hour return journey. The drive to my sisters is three hours. SoupDragon - I don't see your point? Most NRP don't see their children every weekend. They would actually like to see their mum too you know. If you mean I could visit my sister when he's working, I explained upthread that I cannot drive that far for health reasons. All his weekends will now be seeing his children or working, which means no more trips to my sisters.

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 17/11/2013 15:42

Get another car. Problem solved

janey68 · 17/11/2013 15:43

The car may be half hers- but presumably she already has use of it at least half the time as she uses it for school runs (she's mentioned that she can't contemplate walking to school with the toddler in a buggy and she doesn't have family or friends to collect). Also- she expects the boyfriend to drive her to her sisters; she can't drive that far (3 hour trip I think she said) so even if he lets her have use of the car, it won't be enough; she wants him available to drive....

Honestly, for two people who aren't even living together, it seems an awful lot of hassle. Cut down on all this travelling around, and get your own transport sorted - both of you

stiffstink · 17/11/2013 15:45

How does the whole sharing a car but not living together thing work? I am imagining sharing a car with, say, my sister who is about ten mins walk away. Sounds like a practical nightmare, especially when you factor in the two kids.

I still think you just want his car on a Tuesday.

Original poster
FigRolls · 17/11/2013 15:46

Janey - before he made these arrangements there was no need for two cars. I work in the evenings when dc are sleeping so no, I don't pay childcare. Have already said my sister can't drive. She has 4 dc and can't afford the public transport halfway unfortunately. Mrsjay - most NRP have contact from Friday - Sunday evening in which case dds Saturday activity wouldn't have to be given up, but he won't fight for that.

OP posts:
basgetti · 17/11/2013 15:46

So what do you want him to do? Forgo his weekends with his children so he can drive you to your sisters?

Original poster
FigRolls · 17/11/2013 15:48

I pay for everything for the car except tax which he pays. He doesn't need it for work. On his days off we use it together and he sometimes fills it with petrol.

OP posts:
basgetti · 17/11/2013 15:48

Well he isn't really in a position to 'fight' for anything yet, since he hasn't actually seen his DC for nearly 2 years. He needs to accept the contact that has been offered and prove himself reliable, then he will be able to negotiate better arrangements.

helenthemadex · 17/11/2013 15:50

your dd and her activities are not his responsibility, his dc are and should be his priority. Your dd should be your and her df priority, why can her df not help you and ensure she gets to her activities?

If the car is yours as you say, even though you do not live together I would suggest you sell it and get a cheap car each.

MissMarplesBloomers · 17/11/2013 15:50

How have you let yourself get so dependant on this man for getting around if you are not even living together?

No woman (no person!) should be so dependant on another for transport if you are living in the arse end of nowhere (as I am so I appreciate the public transport thing) you HAVE got have a car. What happens if the DC needs A&E quickly or are ill when your partner is not with you & is using the car?

Yes maybe you should have had this discussion before it become a done deal but I would be prioritising getting a cheap deal on a car, even if it means taking out finance to give you independance. Your partner could contribute.

I have just got one with a reputable local second hand trader, low mileage & in good nick for low apr. Vital for my business & getting DC's about. I too am self employed & work from home & a lone parent.

Original poster
FigRolls · 17/11/2013 15:50

Basgetti - if he'd discussed it with me beforehand I'd have asked he leave two weekends free per year to visit my sister so our children can have a relationship with the only bit of family I have. I don't think that's that unreasonable a request.

OP posts:
janey68 · 17/11/2013 15:51

You seem to have awfully high expectations in terms of funding activities 45 mins drive away for your children. Lots of parents wouldn't be able to afford that so maybe you just need to curtail your expectations.

Am also intrigued about how you earn enough just working evenings in your own home to run your own household and not claim any benefits...you must be on a very good rate for your work. I'd consider working some daytime hours too to fund another car

basgetti · 17/11/2013 15:53

Can you get public transport to your sister so you aren't reliant on him for lifts?

janey68 · 17/11/2013 15:55

She said its not convenient to use public transport as its a long journey to her sisters. Bit odd as she's now said its only a twice yearly visit....

Lots that doesn't add up here ...

Daykin · 17/11/2013 15:56

Janey - before he made these arrangements there was no need for two cars.

When he had no contact you didn't need two cars. Now he has contact you have several options

Tell your dd she can't do the activity
Go to the activity on public transport (seemingly impossible)
Tell his dcs that they can't see their dad again because your dd has an activity
for him to go to dcs on public transport
Get dd's dad to take her to her activity
get another car

It's no good saying you didn't need two cars before any more than it would do any good saying you didn't need cat food before you had a cat. This is what happens when the kids stack up. I have 4. Sometimes I need to be in 4 places at once and something has to give, someone ends up losing something or standing in the cold for a bit or getting off-loaded ono a friend.

As for your sister, go in the school holidays. Either drive halfway and then stay somewhere overnight/sit in costa for a few hours or get DP to give you a lift and pick you up after a few days.

NewtRipley · 17/11/2013 15:57

Indeed.

clam · 17/11/2013 15:58

I agree that it's not good that he went ahead and formalised this plan without consulting you. It's left you in a right mess.
But I'm not so sure why you're so surprised about it, because from what I can see of this guy, it seems pretty par for the course.

DavidHarewoodsFloozy · 17/11/2013 15:58

Fig, your own cars is the only way. How does car sharing even work if you don't reside together? Hmm.

Really, auto-trader is your friend .

stiffstink · 17/11/2013 16:00

Based on the fact that he only pays the road tax, is it now correct to say its "AIBU that my boyfriend wants to use my car every Tuesday?"

Tell him to fuck off and buy his own car.

Then suit yourself with what you do on a Tuesday with the daughter that isn't his.

janey68 · 17/11/2013 16:02

... And equally he can tell OP to fuck off to her sisters herself rather than expecting him to chauffeur her there and back...

This thread is bizarre

mrsjay · 17/11/2013 16:02

necause on of his children has a long standing activity that is why he has them saturday morning instead would he be willing to pick up from the activity. on a tuesday if he is with his kids you need to find your own way there I dont drive my husband works shifts my children went to things people live out of town people manage sometimes you need to use your head and figure it out

basgetti · 17/11/2013 16:03

It is possible that his solicitor told him that if he didn't accept the contact that was being offered it would reflect badly on him given his long absence from his DCs lives. He really isn't in a position to call the shots, and can you imagine if he had said to his ex 'Well I can't do that day because FigRolls daughter has an activity, and I can't do the holidays because I need to drive FigRolls to see her sister.'

I imagine he would have been told to take a hike. So it isn't as simple as saying he should have fought for something different or not agreed to this until he had discussed things with you. Refusing to commit to the offered contact may have meant that he didn't get contact at all, given his track record. He isn't in a strong enough position for that.