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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is prioritising his kids over ours?

225 replies

FigRolls · 17/11/2013 00:02

Dh has recently reestablished contact with his children due to my encouragement, which is great and they are very happy. However, without any discussion with me he's agreed that he'll visit for tea every Tuesday and have his children every single weekend he's not working (he works shifts) as well as during all annual leave. This means our 6 year old will no longer be able to do the extra curricular activity she adores on Tuesdays as we wouldn't be able to travel there as he'd have the car. It also means a 2.5 mile walk home from school during winter with our toddler also who detests her pushchair. It means no more weekends away as his children have to be home by a certain time on Sundays and cannot be collected til Sat lunchtime. It means no more holidays as dh won't challenge his ex to ensure he can take kids on holiday. It means dd having to give up her only other extra curricular activity on Sat mornings too as he'll have the car to fetch his children. So dd gives up both activities, no longer gets weekends away or days out yet his children get both with their mum and dh accommodates their activities. Also, my sister lives 3 hours away and I cannot drive that far due to health issues. Therefore, dh making this agreement means never being able to travel to see her again. I wholeheartedly believe contact with his children should be a priority but surely our children and life should be given some consideration too? AIBU?

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 17/11/2013 16:04

If its the firefighter for the DH, then sorry but Tuesday contact is more important than your DD's activity. IIRC, he will work most weekends anyways so weekend contact is very sparse.

Not even sure if he will be able to make Tuesday contacts when he will be on duty.

Bottomline: never get with a guy who is loser of the first order.

50shadesofmeh · 17/11/2013 16:07

If he's a fireman how can he see them
On set days every week anyway ? My husband is a firefighter and they have a rota that moves on one every week.

mrsjay · 17/11/2013 16:07

maybe the kids mum set out the contact and considering he hasn't seen them forwhatever reason I think it is up to their mum what suits for the moment it may change as he gets used to seeing them

PrimalLass · 17/11/2013 16:07

Figrolls on one thread you say you are married, and on another not. It's all too confusing.

NewtRipley · 17/11/2013 16:09

Op

Is your DP a firefighter?

Retroformica · 17/11/2013 16:14

He should take public transport on Tuesdays so you have the car.

Justforlaughs · 17/11/2013 16:16

OK, - disclaimer- so I haven't read any of OPs "other threads" so this is based purely on what OP has told us on this one.
The conversation would follow the lines of
"I'm so pleased that you have made contact with your DCs again. Now, how do you intend getting there? Obviously, you can't have the car and you MUST have thought about this before making arrangements as you would obviously have DISCUSSED it with me if it meant you thought that our current arrangements would need to change."
From what you have said on this thread OP YANBU to expect him to have discussed it with you.

LibraryBook · 17/11/2013 16:18

Contact with his children is far more important than an after school activity for your six year old. If you really can't organise a friend to take her, or do it on another day, perhaps even if it means driving to the next town, then she'll have to give it up.

LibraryBook · 17/11/2013 16:25

What is the activity for the six year old?

NumptyNameChange · 17/11/2013 16:34

i'm afraid i call bollocks on this 'i work from home - when the kids are in bed' and earn enough money to pay for two kids and a house and to afford to consider another child but not enough to run my own car or consider moving somewhere you don't have to walk 2.5miles to school.

i'm afraid there's a lot of bs going on here.

let's get real - the children and woman in question are his WIFE and kids. a woman he committed to marrying and making children with and living in the same house as etc. realistically what are you? a woman he started shagging afterwards whilst still married, who he got pregnant but wouldn't even move in with after that to avoid paying bills and someone he comes to see when he can be bothered.

on what planet are you living? why are you surprised that there are problems?

honestly i wouldn't be surprised if he got back with his wife in the next few months. look at reality - he has refused to divorce, has refused to move in with you or make any commitment to you.... so??? wake up.

NumptyNameChange · 17/11/2013 16:35

if you genuinely have a work from home job earning enough to pay your own rent, raise two kids, run a car that only requires you to work evenings i'd love to know what it is. we should all be doing it.

NumptyNameChange · 17/11/2013 16:35

can we earn 5k a month for only ten hours a week? is it one of those fantasies jobs?

Peekingduck · 17/11/2013 16:37

Bloody hell, all this would have been avoided if he'd had the sense and consideration to speak to Op when planning arrangements. She's not asking him to abandon all contact with these children!

PrimalLass · 17/11/2013 16:37

Draging things up is bad form I know, but she says she has no family on another thread too but a sister on here. I hope you are OK OP, because it all sounds such a muddle.

mynewpassion · 17/11/2013 16:39

TBH, it doesn't matter if the DH is a firefighter or not. He seems to work on a rotating shift. He's going to let down his older children again and again. Don't know how he is going to make every Tuesday tea on his shift work.

The weekend contacts will be canceled twice because he has to take the OP to her sisters. The weekend contact is not every other weekend either. It could be once a month. That means your daughter will only miss 12 Saturday activities in a 52 week period while the older children will only see their father 10 Saturday/Sundays a year.

NumptyNameChange · 17/11/2013 16:44

all this could've been avoided if people didn't go round making children when they already have children they don't take care of or had a bit of common sense.

the reality is he's abandoned one family, refused to move in with the new one and if OP demands he start behaving like a responsible adult or a proper family member he will probably fuck off and leave them too and find the next sucker and play daddies for a few years again with them till they expect him to step up.

OP probably daftly thinks if she just puts up with it and produces another baby he'll see sense and love her and move in and blah blah blah.

this is beyond idiocy and so not fair on all the children - and the adults in this picture sound like children themselves.

NumptyNameChange · 17/11/2013 16:45

still dead keen to know what this evening work from home scheme that covers the cost of three kids, a house and a car though. sounds fab.

NewtRipley · 17/11/2013 16:49

OP

Isn't your Dd at her dad's every other weekend, and he doesn't take her to her activity?

janey68 · 17/11/2013 16:52

I'm totally with numpty. There's loads here that doesn't add up. I get the distinct feeling the OP disappears off frantically trying to piece together a vaguely plausible response every so often.

I would also like to know what work the op does, working evenings only, at home once her children are in bed, which funds enough to run a home without benefits but which prevents her from affording a taxi once a week, or purchasing a small runaround car. And as its something so lucrative: why not increase the hours to daytime?

mynewpassion · 17/11/2013 16:53

Sorry but I just read her other recent thread about the DSC. Her DH wants to avoid taking his older children, who are twins, on holiday by doing it during term time when he knows his ex, who he is just finally divorcing after 5 years, will say no. He wants the OP to take her DD out of school to facilitate this holiday.

Next month they are going on holiday and likely not with the DSC, which is fine, but I guess he will cancel one of his contact time and it would only have been a month since reinstatement of contact.

Makes me wonder if he is deliberating setting himself to fail and then eventually drop off contact like before and blame the ex.

IAlwaysThought · 17/11/2013 17:08

OP,

On your thread started a few days ago you say you haven't even told your DD about the gymnastics class on Tuesday Confused and that the centre has plenty of other classes???

You sound like you are looking for ways to make things as complicated as possible.

BTW I change my personal details from thread to thread in order to help stay anonymous. I don't think this is dishonest, however, you need to be consistent with the relevant facts.

helenthemadex · 17/11/2013 17:09

it may be bad form to bring up previous threads but there are quite a lot of threads by the op which all contradict each other.

I think not telling the truth on threads is very bad form!!

SoupDragon · 17/11/2013 17:11

OP, all you are doing is looking for problems. You aren't looking for solutions, nor do you seem to want any.

Good luck.

janey68 · 17/11/2013 17:12

Wow so they can afford holidays but not a runaround car or a taxi once a week...

I agree that it's normally bad form to rake up other threads, but it's clear the OP is making up all sorts of stuff here

mynewpassion · 17/11/2013 17:14

I think SoupDragon is right.

She and her DH, mainly him but the she is doing her best, are setting up this contact arrangement to fail and then blame the ex.

Let's hope the DH is paying maintenance to both his twin and his son with the OP.

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