to think dh is prioritising his kids over ours?

[FigRolls]

Dh has recently reestablished contact with his children due to my encouragement, which is great and they are very happy. However, without any discussion with me he's agreed that he'll visit for tea every Tuesday and have his children every single weekend he's not working (he works shifts) as well as during all annual leave. This means our 6 year old will no longer be able to do the extra curricular activity she adores on Tuesdays as we wouldn't be able to travel there as he'd have the car. It also means a 2.5 mile walk home from school during winter with our toddler also who detests her pushchair. It means no more weekends away as his children have to be home by a certain time on Sundays and cannot be collected til Sat lunchtime. It means no more holidays as dh won't challenge his ex to ensure he can take kids on holiday. It means dd having to give up her only other extra curricular activity on Sat mornings too as he'll have the car to fetch his children. So dd gives up both activities, no longer gets weekends away or days out yet his children get both with their mum and dh accommodates their activities. Also, my sister lives 3 hours away and I cannot drive that far due to health issues. Therefore, dh making this agreement means never being able to travel to see her again. I wholeheartedly believe contact with his children should be a priority but surely our children and life should be given some consideration too? AIBU?

Are the distances so big that you can't afford to take a taxi one way. Can you take a taxi to DDs activity on Sat? The arrangements might appear cast in stone but there will need to be changes - what if other DCs drop a hobby or start a new one, what if the after school stuff is a different day next year?

You appear to have enough money for all the extra driving DH is doing? His enthusiasm might fade if the visits become a bit fraught, it is a lot for other DCs to adapt to too. And having them for all annual leave is a bit extreme when he doesn't know how happy they are with this new arrangement.

You will have to man up OP and make nice visits to DSis for weekend without DP, he will probably realize his over-generosity in the months ahead, meanwhile you should be getting on with your life and not just be a doormat to smooth over the problems. But on the other hand Dd might love having some older siblings and not miss her classes in the long run. This is a long term thing so even if it's bad now you can surely tweak it in the future more to your liking. Best of luck OP>

I'm wondering where his ex's head is at agreeing that amount of contact after no contact?

There is more to this story -is your dp telling you everything?

Do you know any of tge mums who you could ask to take/drop off or even tge leaders?

I don't know the back history but he's also let down his older children in favor of his new family fir who knows how long either.

All the children are affected just not yours.

But surely it is important that he has contact with his children? Yes it is a shame that your daughter misses her activity, but surely it runs on other nights too?

I was going to suggest use a taxi when he has the car - much cheaper than running a 2nd car. You (meaning all of you) may have to cut back in other areas to afford this but that is the consequence of the way he's gone about it.

How many weekends a month are we really talking about? Once every six weeks? Three times a month? If its more like the former than the latter, Tuesday contact becomes more important, doesn't it?

What do you do on the weekends that he is working? Do you drop him off at work so you have the car available to take DD to her Saturday activities?

And you can still visit your sister with DSCs in tow. It will just be a shorter visit.

Given how things are with my own hubby, my first thoughts weren't that this was a deliberate snub to your daughter, just that he wasn't thinking things through.

Your DD gets to see her mum and dad every day (I assume). His other children have gone for a time without seeing him at all, and even now will only see him a couple of days a week. I can see this is inconvenient, but if the other children live an hour away, it's going to be inconvenient however you sort it out. I think that's the risk you take in having children with someone who already has children.

I definitely second the idea of getting taxis/looking into car clubs/asking other parents for help. Could you get a train most of the way to your sister?

Court order? Seeing a solicitor isn't a court order.... You have to physically go to court in front if a judge for a court order

Arrangements through solicitors are not legally binding

Why is his ex so keen to let him have all this access if they've needed to consult solicitors? Something odd about all this

D011Y, the OP said upthread that the arrangements have been made specifically so that her DH's children don't miss out on their activities. The result of this is that OP's DD does miss out on hers.

So not fair at all.

I understand what people are saying about the other children not getting to see their dad but why should the OP's DD be punished by having to miss her activities? There are some activities where, if you miss a couple of weeks, you really struggle - drama, dance and orchestra, to name a few, but there are also others. Also many sports activities even at a young age will demand commitment - I did trampolining for a few years from the age of 5 and even at that young, they stressed the importance of attending every week.

It isn't fair to punish the DD, which is exactly what OP's DH is doing by organising contact when she has activities. It sounds like the other children do something almost every night of the week; why shouldn't they miss an activity instead?

What would worry me, OP, as well as the impact on your DD of these new arrangements and how this would make her feel, is that if your DH is bending over backwards to accommodate his ex, you could be in for plenty more where that came from.

Be prepared for last-minute changes of plan, cancelled arrangements, all to fit around this new set-up.

If he can't assert himself with his ex (and talk it over with you first, before committing to anything that impacts on his family), this does not bode well.

Yes, it's possibly all somewhat difficult but I think the benefits of your 6 year old having siblings in her life outweigh the benefits of a small child attending a club after school.

I think you need to suck it up initially and see how things go. Perhaps arrangements can be tweaked at a later date to suit everyone. If you go wading in now crying how unfair it is, you'll come across as unreasonable and jealous.

Be happy for your DH and presumably you will be getting to know your stepchildren also. And your DD has had the benefit of a full time Dad all her life which cannot be said about her half siblings. Perhaps you should consider that.

Congrats to your DH by the way, I hope things work well for him and all the children.

Can't your dp get a train/bus on a Saturday? Could he get the train/bus there on a Tuesday and you collect him after your dd's activity? How far away is the activity? Could he pay for a taxi?

Why don't you get the train/coach to visit your family?

It sounds like he is putting his children from his previous relationship first but I actually think he should put them first in the short term. Your dd having a relationship with her siblings is more important than activities.

Tryharder, what is your view about the fact that all of these new arrangements were discussed and put in place with no discussion at all with the OP?

My opinion is that when you have kids with different people then you will be thinly spread and find it hard to juggle both lives.
That's not your fault but you need to accept that his other kids deserve as much of his time as yours do.
Could you compromise on the car say you have it in the tues and he has it at weekend?

Fig is your DH your six year old's Dad?

Oh course YANBU Op. You're not saying you don't want him to see his other children, all you are saying really is that he should have discussed the best way to do this with you BEFORE he set all this in place. That way you might have been able to come up with something that didn't instantly mean that your daughter had to give up both of her extra-curricular activities. He might also have considered how you were both going to avoid that long walk in the winter.

People saying "can't you compromise", yes of course they could and should, and it would have been much easier done before all the arrangements were made.
I'd be spitting bullets to be honest.

alibaba, the OP said our 6 year old, so I've assumed he is.

Agree with tryharder.
Things will settle, and after school activities for a 6 year old are not as important as siblings getting to know each other.
I do think he should be the one making any sacrifices though, as they are his children, but dont start out resenting your stepchildren because that way misery lies for all concerned.
Talk to OH, and tell him that you are really happy he is doing this, but that maybe he should discuss arrangements that affect you all next time.

YANBU - really, what kind of an idiot are you married to? He has no contact with his older kids, you push him into it & he agrees to all of this without discussing it with you & totally ignores his daughters needs... what a twat.

ifnotnow, a bit pointless saying he would discuss the arrangements with the OP next time, when all the arrangements have already been discussed without her and this is what is causing all the grief?

What was his reasoning for not including you in the discussion before it was all signed and sealed?

I'd be most upset about that.