To expect the school to do something about ds being laughed at for wearing a Hello Kitty onsie?

[lecce]

He is 4 and wore it yesterday for Children in Need. The bloody thing is mainly white, and, for that reason mainly, I had tried to steer him in the direction of others, but he was adamant that was the one he wanted. He already has a plain pink lunchbox and pink Peppa Pig wellies and tells me he has had the odd comment about these being 'for girls', but he insists he doesn't mind. He is very shy but tells me he has told these children, 'Pink isn't just for girls!', though I do find it hard to imagine him saying this to a child he doesn't know well.

This morning he tells me that yesterday a few children laughed at him so he took off the onsie and spent most of the day in pyjamas. He had no dressing gown or slippers, as the onsie had covered feet, and tells me he was cold. He had to put the onsie back on to play out at lunchtime and more children laughed at him then. He has named two children from his class as being the main laughers when he was inside the school. He is 4, ffs. Why can't he wear what he likes? However, he does not really seem upset as such, and he says he didn't tell the teacher what was going on.

I am annoyed because the teachers didn't seem to be aware of what was going on. I know they can't help it if he doesn't tell them, but they should have been aware, imo, if the comments were enough to make him want to take it off. He is very happy with his wellies and lunchbox, so I feel there must have been quite a lot of comments this time. I teach in a secondary school and, of course, sometimes things like this go on without the teacher being aware, but I am sure 4 yr olds are a lot less subtle than teens! Also, I would expect a parent to bring something like this to my attention if I didn't notice it myself.

I am also a bit annoyed, though less so, that they didn't contact dh (they know he is a sahd) to bring in an alternative for him, to save him being cold and having a miserable lunchtime. I just feel that ds has had a bit of a pants day, when it should have been fun and he was so pleased with the onsie, and that I should do something about it.

On a similar topic, ds2 (yr2) tells me he regularly has, what he calls, 'mean comments' about his packed lunches - especially the fruit and Greek yogurt. He is capabale of standing up for himself, but says it's getting 'annoying'. I'm starting to feel this should be addressed too.

Dh thinks I'm being silly, but is starting to come around the more I go on. Tbh, though, I can't rely on him having a quick word with the teacher about this, as he will probably 'forget', so, if we do raise it, it will be me who does so, making it more formal as I will have to make an appointment.

AIBU to think it worth mentioning these issues, and to think that part of the role of primary school is to encourage kindness and tolerance amongst pupils?

Part of the role is also for children to learn to either adapt to 'society as it is' or develop coping strategies. Perhaps you could work with the school to find a way to help your DC do this.

I agree that schools should promote tolerance, kindness and acknowledge diversity but you cannot and they cannot police the world. Your DC will always face people who find diversity (pink for a boy seems very diverse to immature minds) challenging. It's a bit of work on both sides.

Teasing in school is a good thing in terms of toughening up for the real world. No one wants a child to be crushed by it but they will face teasing wherever they go.

I find this really sad, that children can't wear what they like and have to adapt to gender stereotypes to make sure they don't get laughed at.

Unfortunately it's very common and at the end of the day it should be down to parents to make sure their children understand that boys can like pink without it being weird or funny.

School should definitely have picked up on it, they can't say they didn't notice it when a child has been laughed at to a degree where he prefers to wear nothing at all and preferred to be freezing cold!

If it was me I'd not be making a big fuss about it I'd be encouraging DS to join in the humour and still wear what he wants to.

Excellent post, TiredDog. Also I think the other children will be just as swift to criticise your sons for getting their mother to interfere. Instead focus on building their confidence so that they understand that there will always be more immature individuals who look to antagonise and that it's fine to be a bit different.

I think it's part of your job as a parent to help your children to have a thicker skin sometimes and not to take other's comments to heart. Children who crumble everytime another child says something mean (and children can be really horrible!) can have a difficult time at school.

Obviously, actual bullying is a different story. It doesn't sound like that from your post though.

What do you think the school can do? Really if they tell the other children their comments about ds's lunch are upsetting him what do you think will happen?

Re the onesie, at our school,if we were aware, we would have called and asked you to bring him something else but tbh we would also have judged you for setting him up fir ridicule by sending him in line that

Your DS sounds great and good on him for knowing his own mind. That said, we know how kids are and it'd be a mighty idealistic parent who wouldn't expect the peer pressure around ''pink isn't for boys' etc. Yes the teachers should've noticed he wasn't warm enough (altho to call your dh is probly too much to expect) and stopped the teasing if they heard it or if your ds had said. but it will still happen and you must know that. YAB a bit U to focus this all on the teachers when they don't have that much control over it - you couldn't even get your son to change his mind about wearing it yet they're supposed to assuage the prejudices of 30 kids. Not saying I don't sympathise. It's just tough out there, sadly.

he does not really seem upset as such, and he says he didn't tell the teacher what was going on

I think this is key here. It's you that wants to make an issue of it

I think you can see how deep-rooted gender stereotyping is by some of these responses, sadly.

have you ever met other children before OP? What exactly were you expecting them to say??

Im all for kids wearing what they want and being themselves, but some things will attract unwanted attention and you should have warned him of that liklihood and prepped him for it

I think it is really sad that other kids make fun of typical gender stereotype clothing however, that is just a fact of life.
I doubt there is much the teacher can do if they are unaware of it and although I would have let my DS wear whatever he likes I would have pre warned him that some other ignorant children will make fun and tell how to react to that/deal with it.
I have friends who refuse to let their boys play with 'girls' toys, touch anything pink etc and it winds me up. There is no need for this nowadays .

Your son sounds fab. Mine has been wearing a bow tie everywhere for the past week and he's 4.

I would put a note in the communication book - if you have one- and ask them to have a chat with the kids about being nice about different choices etc etc.

What exactly did you expect the school to do? How were they to prevent ridicule? Even if kids don't say it at the time because teachers tell them not to, they will think it and it will come out in other ways.

Have you considered the possibility of not sending your 4 year old son to school in Hello Kitty clothes & pink wellies, eating from a pink Peppa Pig lunch box?

I'm sorry but YABU. You have said yourself that you tried to guide him to something else. Really, this was predictable and you maybe should have guided a bit more firmly.

The teacher can't be held accountable for your poor choices and may not have even been aware. In an ideal world everyone should be able to wear what they want but the world is far from ideal and children can be unconsciously cruel.

I have 2 DSs and I wouldn't have let them wear such an outfit because I know what other children can be like.

I think the teasing about food bears further investigation, though.

To be honest, its not something I'd talk to school about and I certainly wouldnt have expected them to 'pick up' on the fact he was cold - why did he not just put his coat on for playtime rather than the onesie again? I also think 4yr olds are slightly unreliable, so whilst I don't condone teasing, he might have got undressed/ dressed for a number of reasons (I.e. wanted to be like some of the other children who were in their PJs?). I think you need to keep your eye on it to see if these boys become a problem, but in the meantime, just work on your son's confidence snd ability to shrug these sort of comments off.

Well I'm confident ds school would do something about it. I'm surprised so many people think a 4 yr old boy wearing hello kitty is such a poor choice.

"He's only 4 ffs!"

...so are the other children.

You need to teach your little boy to talk to a grown up if he is upset about something. As a teacher, I can't describe how irritating it is to be criticised by a parent for not dealing with a situation you were absolutely unaware of. with 25+ children free flow playing, it is impossible to hear everything that is said to every child, every minute of every day.

If your son is shy and sensitive as you have suggested, I agree that you should not have sent him to school in an outfit that was likely to make him stick out like a sore thumb. Regardless of how much he wanted to wear it - you are the adult.
Either that, or help him to develop the resilience to join the humour or ignore it. Making a big deal out if it will make a victim out of him, and won't endear you to his teacher.

If your DS didn't tell the teacher/TA why he took the onesie off, how were they supposed to know? At our school, lots of children had taken their onesies off before lunchtime because they found them too hot or too restrictive.

I don't see anything wrong in email the teacher and asking if they would consider having a discussion as a class about teasing dc for being different/looking different. It could make a good discussion point about gender stereotypes - yes even at 4/5 years old.

Our school teaches critical thinking from R so it would be lots of "why do you think it is a boys colour" "What would happen if you thought you wouldn't be teased for wearing x colour?" "In the victorian times pink was the colour for boys so it's a fashion that it is now a considered by some as a girl colour"

You are a teacher??

Then sorry, but you should have more sense than to allow your DS to go to school in a HelloKitty white & pink onesie. 'No you are not wearing a white onesie to school, it will get filthy' would have done the job.

Yes it would be lovely if no-one gave a toss - but kids will tease about things like this & you know that.

You need to talk to him about it next time and explain that they are wrong to tease him & that it's perfectly fine to like pink/hello kitty/tutu/tractors/superman and anything else, but that if he chooses things the others consider girly he has to be able to shrug it off or follow the 'norm' - his choice. He can change his attitude, he cannot change theirs and nor can the teachers, even if they know about it - which they didn't.

Why should her son be stopped from having things HE likes because other children are picking on him for it? The issue is with the children NOT her son.

No wonder we have such an issue with gender stereotypes.

edam although gender stereotyping is obviously wrong, on a real, practical level it is something learned at home - many children have been deeply immersed in the attitude that some things are for boys and some for girls ever since their first blue/ pink babygrow at half an hour old. In all honesty though the teacher can give the class a "talk" on being accepting of difference/ respecting individuality, and read them a nice illustrative story, he or she cannot stop laughter, however non-ideal the source of the humour.

The fact is that in a "fire fighting" context like this one, the only way to protect the child would be for the parent to disuse him from wearing clothing practically guaranteed to cause teasing and laughter (perhaps with a white lie - it needs a wash...), or for her to pre warn him.

I write that as the mum of a little boy who loves his fairy wings by the way... Though he is only 2, his big brother is very aware of what will and won't get him laughed at, and at 6 is also at the age where he thinks girls are yucky etc. (a stage which kids have been going through since time immemorial, though his big sister did manage to maintain boy-girl friendships at 6 she is struggling now at 8) - sad it may be, reality it is!

As for being teased about the contents of a school lunch - that has been going on since Adam took his apple... all part of school life.

ANormalOne - because you can change your own attitude or behaviour, you cannot change others.

If he hasn't told the teacher why, then there is nothing they could have done. He could have changed out of his onesie for all sorts of reasons, and mind reader isn't part of the job description and as small pupils do much stranger things.

He isn't upset, so let it drop.

Ditto the lunches - if he hasn't told a teacher, there is nothing they can do. Either he tells them in order to make intervention possible, or you provide different things in the lunchbox.