To expect the school to do something about ds being laughed at for wearing a Hello Kitty onsie?

[lecce]

He is 4 and wore it yesterday for Children in Need. The bloody thing is mainly white, and, for that reason mainly, I had tried to steer him in the direction of others, but he was adamant that was the one he wanted. He already has a plain pink lunchbox and pink Peppa Pig wellies and tells me he has had the odd comment about these being 'for girls', but he insists he doesn't mind. He is very shy but tells me he has told these children, 'Pink isn't just for girls!', though I do find it hard to imagine him saying this to a child he doesn't know well.

This morning he tells me that yesterday a few children laughed at him so he took off the onsie and spent most of the day in pyjamas. He had no dressing gown or slippers, as the onsie had covered feet, and tells me he was cold. He had to put the onsie back on to play out at lunchtime and more children laughed at him then. He has named two children from his class as being the main laughers when he was inside the school. He is 4, ffs. Why can't he wear what he likes? However, he does not really seem upset as such, and he says he didn't tell the teacher what was going on.

I am annoyed because the teachers didn't seem to be aware of what was going on. I know they can't help it if he doesn't tell them, but they should have been aware, imo, if the comments were enough to make him want to take it off. He is very happy with his wellies and lunchbox, so I feel there must have been quite a lot of comments this time. I teach in a secondary school and, of course, sometimes things like this go on without the teacher being aware, but I am sure 4 yr olds are a lot less subtle than teens! Also, I would expect a parent to bring something like this to my attention if I didn't notice it myself.

I am also a bit annoyed, though less so, that they didn't contact dh (they know he is a sahd) to bring in an alternative for him, to save him being cold and having a miserable lunchtime. I just feel that ds has had a bit of a pants day, when it should have been fun and he was so pleased with the onsie, and that I should do something about it.

On a similar topic, ds2 (yr2) tells me he regularly has, what he calls, 'mean comments' about his packed lunches - especially the fruit and Greek yogurt. He is capabale of standing up for himself, but says it's getting 'annoying'. I'm starting to feel this should be addressed too.

Dh thinks I'm being silly, but is starting to come around the more I go on. Tbh, though, I can't rely on him having a quick word with the teacher about this, as he will probably 'forget', so, if we do raise it, it will be me who does so, making it more formal as I will have to make an appointment.

AIBU to think it worth mentioning these issues, and to think that part of the role of primary school is to encourage kindness and tolerance amongst pupils?

YANBU, and I think you're getting a hard time here OP. Yes children have to develop a thick skin etc. at school and in life generally, and it's a hard life lesson, but learning tolerance and acceptance of difference in others is equally important.
Schools should be teaching this (latter point), and for that reason it might be worth having a quiet word to the class teacher.
These issues always remind me of that German father who wore a skirt/dress (i forget which) in support of his son. This is the way to fight gender prejudice ('cos that's the issue really being raised here), NOT through assimilation.

Right, chipping so we should teach our children that they should change themselves or hide things about themselves if others insult them, to keep the peace?

Nice message to send children that, isn't it.

Exactly Paleodad excellent post.

Chipping what a bizarre statement, what about female suffrage, gay rights, the civil rights movement generally, and countless other movements that have changed society for the better?

DTS1 went to school with a pink hello kitty hat .... he is 4 he loves the hat (was his sisters) although its DTS2 that loves PINK :)

I was most amussed at pick up time when more than one mum pulled it off his head assuming it belonged to their daughters ... the kids couldnt care a less they are just kids - it was oh look xxxx has a hello kitty hat that is nice can i have one?

They are just colours , i tell my children you dont get 'boy' and 'girl' rainbows so colours are for everyone :)

The thing is that at 4 he didn't know what he was getting into by choosing the Hello Kitty onsie.

Using your 4 year old (and exposing them to ridicule) to make a point about gender equality is wrong. If a 14 year old wanted to wear a dress he would be able to understand the likely responses and mentally prepare himself - then the parent would be 100% right in supporting them. A 4 year old is a bit of an unwitting pawn in the battle for gender equality though!

My personal opinion that a 4 year old needs parental protection, where a 14 year old can make up their own mind and needs parental support for their decision.

We have have had this w ds2, another lover of pink, since he started school.

We have always emphasized that there is no such things as boy or girl colours, or toys either for that matter. We have also warned him that some children are ignorant and will tease him for liking/choosing pink. He can chose to ignore them, or keep pink things for home.

Now in Y1 he still loves pink but will say 'yellow' is his favorite colour when asked. His beloved pink boxer shorts only get worn at weekends. He still rides his pink scooter to school with pride though and uses a lot of pink things in art.

I understand exactly what you're saying op. I completely agree that your ds ought to wear whatever he likes. I teach this age group in a school where individuality is truly celebrated but even at my school I would not be surprised if one or two children made comments in similar circumstances. Some children are very uncomfortable with things they regard as "different". As their teacher I would certainly address it asssuming I knew it was happening..I would see that as a great opportunity for those making fun to learn something and broaden their outlook.

Would you feel Ok about having a little chat with the teacher? S/he might be glad you mentioned it.

On the other hand of course if the 4 yo didn't care perhaps the point is made, and what the parent has to do is absolutely nothing - storm in a teacup :o

excellent post Lila

If the 4 yr old really didn't care, he wouldn't have taken it off and frozen his feet solid.

No normal the child can be/wear what he likes but if he makes choices that are different he needs to know he is likely to be teased (because other children are wrong/stupid/cruel) learn how to deal with it. It's not right but it is real and ut v unrealistic to think the school should have dealt with it when they didn't know about it.

In any case, it sounds like OP's DS did deal with it perfectly well and unconcerned by the whole thing

It's not about making a point about gender norms, it's about supporting children to express themselves how they want and not pigeon holing them because of other people's narrow-minded attitudes.

Cote really he froze his feet solid? We have tiled floors and no heating on and my kids are still running about barefoot (through choice, they honestly do have a wide array of socks and shoes in colours of their choice :o ) and honestly there are no frozen off feet in evidence.

Barbarianmum, I agree. I take the same practical approach with Dd when talking to her about having gay parents. I think it's sensible to acknowledge with your child that some people might judge and make fun...that they are wrong to do so but that your child can judge for themselves how much they want to express, while assuring them that they are fabulous and citing lots of examples of other brilliantly individual people!

I disagree MrTumble I think you explain the world to your children then support their choices.

The problem with your approach is that parents tend to be more prejudiced worried about this sort of thing than their children so tend to over-emphasise the problem.

Confidence in yourself is a great gift to give a child.

Sounds to me your SS is the sort of child who may be quite quite, but is strong underneath.

My DS1 favourite colour was pink, until he was about 5. His favourite top was pink and grey striped.

He got teased a bit ( non uniform school) but like your son, he just said. " pink is not just for girls" if challenged, and mainly ignored it.

I think it is quite a valuable lesson, that to stand out from the crowd you may need to accept a bit of criticism.

DS, probably like your son, has a non conformist, independent streak. This is something that to me is a positive thing. DS seems to be impervious to peer pressure and follows his own path. Sometimes he finds it hard, but it has given him a strong "sense of self".

So all in all, not a bad thing. Let him be who he us, help him with coping strategies. ( like telling a teacher if people are mean). I would not bother to go into the school tbh.

Hmmm is self confidence really what a shy child acquires through being laughed at?

I can't believe 4 year olds have such a strong belief of what is for girls and what is for boys.

Is confidence what you gain from being told by your parents that the people who ridicule you are right? That who you are is somehow defective?

Pity the shy child whose skin is the 'wrong' colour, or who wears glasses, or who stutters or whose non-conformity can't be hidden then.

No ANormalOne that is not what I said. Try reading what is actually written.

Yes Paleodad - that was all achieved by a 4 year old boy FGS are you sockpuppeting with ANO? Try reading what I actually wrote.

Do you have, or have you recently had, a 4 year old Ham? Esp a boy - girls get away with things labelled as "boy" things but unfortunately boys seem not to... My DS1 definitely developed this sense of division when he started Kindergarten (preschool) at 3 - before that he was happy to be dressed up by his big sister in fairy dresses/ her clothes. by 3.5 he very strongly did not want that!

Tumble, you can be shy and introverted but strong underneath! My DS for example was born that way. Of can slightly confuse people as being extroverted is often equated with confidence.

Have you never come across a quiet, shy, friendly person with a steely determination?

Ham Look at the comments up thread, there are adults who are perfectly happy to inflict that view on young children. That's one of the ways they learn it. :( It's also where they learn that it's totally ok to pick on anyone who dares stand out.

Why did you send him to school without shoes?

Surely you didn't expect him to play outside in November with just a onsie covering his feet? What if it had rained?