To expect the school to do something about ds being laughed at for wearing a Hello Kitty onsie?

[lecce]

He is 4 and wore it yesterday for Children in Need. The bloody thing is mainly white, and, for that reason mainly, I had tried to steer him in the direction of others, but he was adamant that was the one he wanted. He already has a plain pink lunchbox and pink Peppa Pig wellies and tells me he has had the odd comment about these being 'for girls', but he insists he doesn't mind. He is very shy but tells me he has told these children, 'Pink isn't just for girls!', though I do find it hard to imagine him saying this to a child he doesn't know well.

This morning he tells me that yesterday a few children laughed at him so he took off the onsie and spent most of the day in pyjamas. He had no dressing gown or slippers, as the onsie had covered feet, and tells me he was cold. He had to put the onsie back on to play out at lunchtime and more children laughed at him then. He has named two children from his class as being the main laughers when he was inside the school. He is 4, ffs. Why can't he wear what he likes? However, he does not really seem upset as such, and he says he didn't tell the teacher what was going on.

I am annoyed because the teachers didn't seem to be aware of what was going on. I know they can't help it if he doesn't tell them, but they should have been aware, imo, if the comments were enough to make him want to take it off. He is very happy with his wellies and lunchbox, so I feel there must have been quite a lot of comments this time. I teach in a secondary school and, of course, sometimes things like this go on without the teacher being aware, but I am sure 4 yr olds are a lot less subtle than teens! Also, I would expect a parent to bring something like this to my attention if I didn't notice it myself.

I am also a bit annoyed, though less so, that they didn't contact dh (they know he is a sahd) to bring in an alternative for him, to save him being cold and having a miserable lunchtime. I just feel that ds has had a bit of a pants day, when it should have been fun and he was so pleased with the onsie, and that I should do something about it.

On a similar topic, ds2 (yr2) tells me he regularly has, what he calls, 'mean comments' about his packed lunches - especially the fruit and Greek yogurt. He is capabale of standing up for himself, but says it's getting 'annoying'. I'm starting to feel this should be addressed too.

Dh thinks I'm being silly, but is starting to come around the more I go on. Tbh, though, I can't rely on him having a quick word with the teacher about this, as he will probably 'forget', so, if we do raise it, it will be me who does so, making it more formal as I will have to make an appointment.

AIBU to think it worth mentioning these issues, and to think that part of the role of primary school is to encourage kindness and tolerance amongst pupils?

If you tell your child that choosing something which falls out of the gender stereotype norm is setting them up for ridicule so you won't allow it, are you not telling them at that way that the stereotypes and ridicule is right, and thereby perpetuate the whole sorry thing.

Occasionally my 4yo daughter now comes out with "pink is for girls", we usually then just have to point out that daddy is wearing a pink shirt or tie and she drops it again. Same goes for long hair - the majority of her male friends has longish hair.

She's now taken to tell the kid in her class who most strongly shouts what girls and boys must and mustn't do off for being silly. He calls her 'stinkybum' in return, but thankfully she doesn't care if a silly kid calls her that.

I don't think the issue is with the colour pink here. My ds has a pink t-shirt, but it is clearly for boys. Wearing hello kitty is just going a bit too far if you want to fit in at school.
I think that the choice of toys, colours, favourite characters are built in the DNA of children!

At home we never watch channels with advertising for children, we've never steered the dc towards one type of toy or another. My eldest DS has special needs and when the therapist told us at 2yrs old that to help him learn better play skills the best toys would be a pretend cooker and a baby doll, we went ahead and bought those.
Despite having those toys are home, my ds2 was interested from the word go in cars and all things boys.

paleodad - so are you saying you shouldn't get teased for choosing pink, but it's 'OK' to get teased for going to school in your pants or taking a dummy? Should or shouldn't doesn't come into it - it's the reality you have to deal with - boys will get teased for liking/wearing pink - they either have to leave the pink at home, stand up for themselves or tell an adult. What other option do you think there was?

Why did he have pyjamas to change into? If this was a possibility then footwear must have been considered as well. Why couldn't he have put his shoes on or plimsolls? And also a coat if he was cold. I know this is secondary to the gender thing but there was no reason for him to be cold indoors.

That's true, woowoo, but i wonder if the same woukd have been said 30 years ago when i was school about homophobic teasing and bullying. And yet that attitudes toward that are changing.

I agree with tearoomtrash

"I think that the choice of toys, colours, favourite characters are built in the DNA of children! "

Manufacturers/advertisers must love you

well the science and the evidence says different time and unless you raise your child in a bubble they are exposed to these stereotypes and advertising, in shops in tv prog even without adverts. plus studies have shown people treat boys and girls differently from birth even if they dont mean to/think they are.

no chipping i don't think teasing/bullying is acceptable under ANY circumstances, and this is dealing with reality. The reality is that (as i understand it) the OP's child was singled out for wearing pink or clothes that were perceived as 'girly' and/or inappropriate for a boy.
As you rightly say, teachers cannot see everything, but the child did tell an adult (the parent), and so it is (imvho) the responsibility of the parent to act and defend the rights of their child to wear pink.
If we don't stand up to prejudice (be it homophobia/gender or whatever), then what is the point?

but the mum knew the kids was vulnerable. SO sent him in an outfit so HE coudl single handedly change attitudes

thats called "setting a 4 year old up to fail"

People seem to be trying to pretend that Hello Kitty isn't aimed at girls. Hello Kitty is aimed at girls, just the same a transformers are aimed at boys and I don't believe there's anything wrong with that. Of course, both are available for all children to play with and enjoy, but to pretend that these characters aren't aimed predominantly at one gender is just stupid.

Stereotypes don't come from nowhere. They are created because of typical preferences between the two genders. There will always be exceptions to any rule, but it's pointless to suggest that four year olds shouldn't be able to recognise the difference between toys that are aimed at them and toys that are aimed at the other gender.

They are only using common sense when they see that lots of the boys they know really like one thing and lots if the girls they know aren't really interested in that thing and prefer something else.

It is sad that it can be difficult for boys that like things that are marketed mainly for girls. Girls liking 'boys things' is a non issue, but boys liking 'girls things' is harder to deal with. But the problem isn't going to go away by bleating on that it shouldn't exist. Differences between the genders will always exist.

Hello Kitty is aimed at girls, just the same a transformers are aimed at boys and I don't believe there's anything wrong with that.

Why?

Argh, forgot to put quotation marks.

I don't think the OP set her child up to fail, or to change attitudes. They just wanted a 4 YEAR OLD CHILD to be able to wear pink if they chose. Maybe i'm naive but i don't think it's too much to ask that we as parents can enable our children to do this if they choose, is it?

My DS insisted on bringing his baby doll to Montessori school when he was 4. I tried to dissuade him, without actually saying that I was concerned the children would laugh at him for adoring a "girl's toy", but he insisted. When he came home and said, in a shocked tone, "The other boys didn't like my baby!" I asked, "What did they say?" and he replied "They said he should DO something, like poo or crawl around" I was so relieved that there was no gender stereotyping

"Stereotypes don't come from nowhere. They are created because of typical preferences between the two genders"

Typical preferences between the two genders? What, that you're born with? What evidence do you have for this? You don't think stereotypes might come from societal conditioning and there might be some value in challenging them, because actually not everybody shares these "typical" preferences. FFS.

MrsDeVere totally hits the nail on the head.

I have told my kids that some people think hallo kitty is just for girls and transformers are only for boys. We agree that those people are monumentally stupid and best ignored.

yep me too mrsdevere its depressing actually.

and what eofa said. babies arent born with an innate liking of pink or hello.kitty etc depending on their gender. these stereotypes are not innate, they come from.the society we live in.

OK, I've only read a few pages. Whilst I agree that kids should be able to wear whatever the hell they like, to send a little boy aged 4 to school in a Hello Kitty onesie and pink lunchbox etc is just ASKING for him to stick out like a sore thumb and get laughed at and ridiculed by his peers.
Sad, but true. Why would you do that to him? Kids can be mean enough without deliberately giving them ammunition.
If he wants to wear them at home, fine. Taking it into school though is going to get the piss ripped out of him something chronic (excuse the expression.)
Just don't see why you'd deliberately set him up for that. Fairly obvious it would happen.

MrsDeVere eloquent and perfect

How depressing! While I was fuly prepared to be told IWBU for expecting the teacher to do something about something she wasn't aware of, I had no idea there would be so many narrow-minded people about this morning. Anyway, I agree that ds should have told the teacher what had been said and that it's not her fault he didn't, but I still think she should be made aware of what happened so that she can keep an eye out for it in the future. I am not attacking teachers - as I mentioned in the OP, I am one! If a child was upset by another in my class, without my noticing, I would not be indignant about having it brought to my attention. I don't blame the teacher, as such, but I do think she should be made aware.

As for the other comments, I'm quite taken aback by the number of people who believe four-year olds should be made to conform to gender-stereotypes, and, that, if you are in a minority for some reason, you should expect and accept being ridiculed. Wow, just wow. Still, it does explain why ds has received this treatment, if this is what parents, and, worse, in some cases, teachers, are like .

Where did I say he had no shoes or coat?! He had wellies and a winter coat. I was thinking the wellies would have looked silly with the pjs, but I realise this is a non-issue. I don't know why he put the onesie back on to go out, but I suspect that teachers may have told him to as it was very cold and other children with pjs had dressing gowns and coats. This is an assumption, though, and it is possible that he himself wanted to give it another go.

As for all the assumptions that I have made him wear the onesie and have the other pink stuff so that he can be a poster-boy for my principles - rot! I said nothing to that effect in my OP and my other son wouldn't be seen dead in anything HK-related. He knows pink is not for girls, but would be unlikely to ever choose it over other colours, I think. I don't know why ds2 loves all thinks pink, glittery and princessy, but he does, and I fail to see how my telling him his choices are 'wrong' is going to raise his confidence - I think the opposite would be the case. I do believe him to be shy, rather than lacking in confidence, and agree with the posters who have pointed out that the two are not one and the same thing.

And, yes, of course we discussed the possibility of his getting negative comments before he ever started school. He suggested replying, 'Pink isn't just for girls!' and I told him I thought that a good plan. I tried to find a balance between making sure he was armed with responses, and causing him anxiety needlessly. As I said in the OP, he has already dealt with comments about his wellies and lunchbox, so I feel he knew what he would possibly be getting into with the onesie. Sadly, he has already learnt that some of his preferences leave him open to ridicule. Even more sadly, it seems from this thread that many parents believe there is no way to stop children behaving like this - it's put up or conform .

And it is the unsympathetic teachers on here who have depressed me the most - god forbid an unconventional child comes along to create more work, eh? And just so we're clear - I am a teacher.

It has been nice to read the supportive messages, though .

Widow - because there are more girls than boys that are naturally drawn to hello kitty and there are more boys than girls that are drawn to transformers.

I think there is a danger we could go too far when trying to eradicate gender stereotypes. There is nothing wrong with being a stereotypical girl or boy, and to tell our children that they should be enjoying things that they simply don't enjoy in the name of equality is damaging to their self esteem.

I'd rather my little boys knew that it was ok for them to reject the option of playing with hello kitty in favour of transformers just because that's what they feel like, because it's brilliant that they are who they are.

If I had boys that were drawn to hello kitty then they would still be just as brilliant, but I don't need to change other children's opinions to make it so.

I don't think this is anything to do with gender stereotyping, it is about fitting in. We are social beings and put our children into schools to enable them to fit into society. I think OP is in denial about that.