To expect the school to do something about ds being laughed at for wearing a Hello Kitty onsie?

[lecce]

He is 4 and wore it yesterday for Children in Need. The bloody thing is mainly white, and, for that reason mainly, I had tried to steer him in the direction of others, but he was adamant that was the one he wanted. He already has a plain pink lunchbox and pink Peppa Pig wellies and tells me he has had the odd comment about these being 'for girls', but he insists he doesn't mind. He is very shy but tells me he has told these children, 'Pink isn't just for girls!', though I do find it hard to imagine him saying this to a child he doesn't know well.

This morning he tells me that yesterday a few children laughed at him so he took off the onsie and spent most of the day in pyjamas. He had no dressing gown or slippers, as the onsie had covered feet, and tells me he was cold. He had to put the onsie back on to play out at lunchtime and more children laughed at him then. He has named two children from his class as being the main laughers when he was inside the school. He is 4, ffs. Why can't he wear what he likes? However, he does not really seem upset as such, and he says he didn't tell the teacher what was going on.

I am annoyed because the teachers didn't seem to be aware of what was going on. I know they can't help it if he doesn't tell them, but they should have been aware, imo, if the comments were enough to make him want to take it off. He is very happy with his wellies and lunchbox, so I feel there must have been quite a lot of comments this time. I teach in a secondary school and, of course, sometimes things like this go on without the teacher being aware, but I am sure 4 yr olds are a lot less subtle than teens! Also, I would expect a parent to bring something like this to my attention if I didn't notice it myself.

I am also a bit annoyed, though less so, that they didn't contact dh (they know he is a sahd) to bring in an alternative for him, to save him being cold and having a miserable lunchtime. I just feel that ds has had a bit of a pants day, when it should have been fun and he was so pleased with the onsie, and that I should do something about it.

On a similar topic, ds2 (yr2) tells me he regularly has, what he calls, 'mean comments' about his packed lunches - especially the fruit and Greek yogurt. He is capabale of standing up for himself, but says it's getting 'annoying'. I'm starting to feel this should be addressed too.

Dh thinks I'm being silly, but is starting to come around the more I go on. Tbh, though, I can't rely on him having a quick word with the teacher about this, as he will probably 'forget', so, if we do raise it, it will be me who does so, making it more formal as I will have to make an appointment.

AIBU to think it worth mentioning these issues, and to think that part of the role of primary school is to encourage kindness and tolerance amongst pupils?

double to say the least

"I would much rather be the parent of a child who stands by what he thinks is right than the parent of a child who thinks its ok to torment another child for being different from him.

The parents on this thread who think the OP is UR perhaps need to check that their children are not the ones teasing and bullying their 'different' classmates."

Quite.

Just love the attitude to teachers on here. Now one is geting slagged off for not being psychic...

And not to open a whole other can of worms, but this is why i strongly disagree with uniforms in school. Conformity and assimilation being established as the norm at the expense of individuality and diversity.

Although the child is 4, he is at school and many of his peers will have older siblings. Gendered toys and clothes exist in abundance. This is obviously not ideal and there are campaigns against it BUT it is a fact. I know that a boy in a hello kitty onesie in our school would have the piss ripped out of him. Again wrong and needs sorting, but a fact.

The problem is with manufacturers and retailers and this is where it needs tackling. Your 4yo cannot tackle it single handedly so for now, you need to steer him towards options which aren't going to make his life miserable.

I was shopping and needed hats for my kids. Options were bright pink or grey camouflage. I bought the pink for my dd and the grey for my ds. Not because these were my ideal colours but because I needed hats now and had no more time. If there had been other colours I would have chosen them instead. Green, red, completely unisex stuff. But there wasn't and I had no more time. So these stereotypes are reinforced by people like me who wouldn't have actively chosen to. Both my kids would have refused to wear the "opposite gender" hat, despite both having been dressed as toddlers in unisex colours and handing clothes down between them.

Your son sounds great! My Ds had a pink lunch box in primary one. When he got hassle he would point out pink things like candy floss and strawberry ice cream and ask if they liked those and that colours are for everyone.

Sadly as he got older he has been less bold and my daughter has been swallowed by the pink monster. It depresses me.

Yabu, you should have known that he would have been picked on sending him to school dressed like that. And what exactly are you blaming the teacher off. Some people expect the world of teachers really (I'm not a teacher). You need to teach your DS how to deal with these situations because he will experience much worse than this.

The fight against gender stereotyping is a worthy cause. I look forward to a world when boys and girls can choose what ever they want to do/wear without any one turning a hair.

However - we're not at that point yet. I think it's naive and rather unkind to allow a four year old to wander unwittingly into the front line.

fuck me this a depressing read.

i agree with mrsdevere and others.

yes we need to help our children to cope with the fact tgat some small minded individuals may pick on them/say mean things etc but also as adults parents and the school need to make it clear that this teasing is ok. thank god my ds3(8) goes to a school where they encourage diversity and difference and when he wore a pink dress on non uniform day and a fairy dress another time it was fine.

i noticed the other day a wee boy in reception had a fancy dress for dress up day, he was so excited.

we need to teach kids not to tease ans bully. not make our kids conform so they arent picked on.

and still peoole argue that the genderfication of the toy market and advertising etc doesnt affect kids...it clearly bloody does, they totally pick up the pink is for girls message.

and this does affect boys more, its ok infact its praised if a girl is a 'tomboy' but its seen as social suicide for a boy to like pink/girls things.

we need to cgallenge these stereotypes and teach kids its not ok to pick on others.

by passively going along with it and encouraging kids to fit in you are reinforcing this bullshit.

op i think teach your son he must tell a teacher when this happens and maybe have a quiet word with them yourself, they cant notice everything so make sure they are aware.

Don't blame the other kids, and don't assume it's their parents that are responsible for their kids' gender division awareness. My DS is 4 and in reception. He has never been told by us that pink is for girls. He has a pink toy kitchen that he still plays with. I was shocked when at 3 we went to Toys R Us and he went around the shop saying 'that's for girls, that's for boys' based on the colour of the item, or that there was a girl or a boy on the box. I repeatedly pointed out that anyone could play with a pink camera (or whatever). At home he says certain things are for girls and his dad will counter by saying "I like pink/hello kitty" etc and DS will sometimes choose the "girly" option when given a choice of things he wants. The latest thing he came up with was "ponies are for girls" so we showed him photos of a male friend horse riding.

I can well imagine that if DS were confronted by a boy in a hello kitty onesie that he might well say 'but hello kitty is for girls", and this be interpreted as teasing, although it would be just him expressing his bafflement. Despite our best efforts as parents to stop him thinking this way!

But we are fighting a losing battle. You look at his class and the boys are in angry birds scarves clutching Spider-man lunch boxes. The girls are in pink coats with flowers and butterflies and holding Disney princess lunch boxes. When children clearly are categorised in that way, telling them that they aren't, or don't have to be, isn't going to make any difference.

I agree that your son can like what he wants to like, and wear what he wants to wear, but you have to be aware that not all children will come from such accepting backgrounds and will therefore pick on what they perceive to be different. As a parent, I would have pre-empted that and steered him away from the onesie in question.

DS will be back from his gymnastics class soon. better tell him to take of his red leotard and 'man-up'

It's not like the OP is using her child to challenge gender stereotyping. He chose what he wanted to wear, some kids haven't had gender norms battered into them by the age of four. I feel sorry for the kids who teased him, their parents have set them on the road to being dickheads already.

I would speak to the teacher OP, just to make them aware of what is going on so they can keep an eye on the children involved. I wouldn't ask them to talk to the kids though.

Slightly O/T but I saw this yesterday jezebel.com/lets-shop-for-super-cute-kids-clothes-in-1976-1465318596 It's pictures from a kidswear catalogue in the 70s. There is almost NO pink for girls, blue for boys (and there seemed to be more racial diversity too). Have we gone backwards?

jezebel.com/lets-shop-for-super-cute-kids-clothes-in-1976-1465318596

Paleodad - non-uniform schools are just as bad as any other for bullying tho, my DNs moved to the US a couple of years ago and went to a non-uniform school, DNeice (9yo) was constantly picked on and made to feel v inadequate for not having the 'right' clothes, became withdrawn and oversensitive. DNephews still go there and aren't bothered, but DNeice moved schools (for other reasons) and now goes to a uniformed school - her confidence has come back, and she's back to being herself. All a result of not having a daily catwalk.
DSis is v relieved the new school has uniform.

My DS loves pink and wears far less 'boyish' clothes than many of his friends, I won't discourage him from wearing what he likes unless its inappropriate for weather/practicality.
He's only 2, so this may all change, and right now it doesn't phase me in the slightest if people assume he's a girl (in brown cords and a purple stripy top ).

If we all insist our sons wear only 'boys' colours, that continues the daftness.
If DS regularly chooses to wears a pink tshirt in the summer, its more likely his friends mums will feel more comfortable letting their sons choose too as they won't be the 'only one'.
If DS goes off his 'girly' choices, I certainly wouldn't make him wear them just to prove a point, but if he spouts 'pink is for girls' nonsense I'll point out he's mistaken.

If the OP 'should have known he would be picked on' then surely the teacher shoudl have known the same thing, and possibly seized the chance to do some pre-emptive work on acceptance and tolerance, and kept a close eye on the class?

this whole shrugging of collective shoulders, and saying 'just conform to the lowest common denominator' is really depressing.

since when did wearing something mostly white with some pink on it mean anything at all other than it will get horribly filthy if worn to school by a 4 year old (of either gender)

I have a reasonably strong minded 6 year old. She had no notion of this whole 'pink' issue until she went to pre-school, wearing all colours, her favourite being red. And got called a boy (she had short hair then, too, by her choice) because she didn't wear head to toe pink. She was bewildered, and sadly (to me, but understandably for her) quickly learned to 'fit in' at school.

which is not to say that I do not spend a lot of my time undoing the ridiculous ideas she comes home with - loads of tripe about pink for girls and blue for boys, 'boys' toys' vs 'girls' toys', and some staggeringly old fashioned ideas on boys having to marry girls (and vice versa) and having to be married before having children. all ideas gained from her peers (what the hell are these parents actually telling their children?!)

I find it disgusting that anyone could think it 'typical' that a 4 year old gets made fun of and laughed at for anything at all. and that nothing can be done about this, and the OP should not expect anything to be done.

i agree noble its not always the parents, its advertising and marketing and the depressing acceotance of it. you see it on mnet ie the kinder egg thread, being told we are making a fuss over nothing re pink/blue kinder eggs. but this is the issue, it does have an affect! and its damaging for our children.

I would much rather be the parent of a child who stands by what he thinks is right than the parent of a child who thinks its ok to torment another child for being different from him

Has anyone here proudly announced that their child would tease another? Nope.

It IS possible to raise children not to tease others, recognise that society needs to change, and yet not go to school in clothes likely to make them a target.

that's very interesting Long, i may have been a bit flippant.

At such a young age, i meant to add.

but by doing that fluffy you are just reinforcing these stereotypes and perpetuating the problem.

and the message you give a child is that they need to conform...

Of course a child should be able to wear whatever they like without being ridiculed, but we live in the real world, not on Sesame Street.

It's the parents job to guide their children on what to wear, you can't make a decision as a parent that you know might cause some negative comments towards your child and then expect teachers and school staff to spend their entire day guarding against the inevitable.

Teachers and TAs don't hear every single word that is said between children, and it is ridiculously unreasonable to think that they should. If they hear negative comments from small children then of course they should challenge them, but they can't stop children believing what they do because if the world around them. It's just plain daft to complain that the teachers weren't aware of what was going on, do you think you'd be able to keep track of what an entire school full of children are saying to each other when you only have the two ears you were born with?

OP, what you are expecting from the school is going to be impossible for them to achieve. It won't change, and if you don't like it then you have the option of home ed.

By age 6 or 7 of course nobody wears pink unless they want to be teased for being babyish til they become a smarmy estate agent in a pink shirt

Yes. I do think gender stereotyping is insidious and the OP should not be criticised for letting her son wear the outfit. But she should be criticised for slagging off a teacher for not taking action about something s/he had no idea was happening. So super unreasonable it beggars belief.

The whole gender divide at age 4 is also a bit of a red herring in wider terms I think - fighting it on the beaches is possibly as silly as trying to persuade a 6 year old boy out of his current determination that kissing is yucky... its a normal age based phase which he will doubtless have passed by in 10 tears time, regardless of who he then wants to kiss :o