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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher has lost DS property

265 replies

conkercon · 15/11/2013 09:44

I need to know if I am right to be furious with a teacher at my ds school?

DS is 16 and for last two weeks has been wearing a small diamond stud to school that belonged to dh back in the day. We (I) found it recently and gave it to DS. I said to DS that he should not wear it because I thought that school policy was gold or silver, but he said that the Head of Year had seen him every day and had not said anything so he assumed that it was okay. Also in two weeks no other teacher (including the Head who he had spoken to for a few minutes) had mentioned it and they are normally pretty hot on uniform issues.

Yesterday DS subject teacher mentioned it and DS said that he thought it was okay because HOY had not said anything. Teacher emailed HOY saying DS had said HOY had said it was okay. HOY went straight to the class and asked him to take it out. No problem with that, but rather than let him keep it in his pocket, bag or whatever she took it and said he would not get it back until Christmas.

I spoke to her yesterday afternoon, apologised for him wearing it and said I would collect it today. She did not sound very happy, telling me it was locked away. I just told her that I would be in first thing this morning to collect it if she could leave it at reception.

She called me at 8.40pm last night to tell me that it has been lost!!!!! Apparently she put it in a sealed envelope and although the envelope is was still sealed the earing was not in it?? That is all I know because her attitude infuriated me even more, she wasn't apologising. I did point out that if she had just let DS keep it then if it had got lost it would have been his responsibility, but as she had chosen to take it then she should have looked after it properly. I asked her to call me back in the morning. I did not want to continue speaking to her as I was so cross I was scared I would say something that I would regret so it was better I calm down.

There are some fantastic teachers at this school who really care about the kids and I have the utmost respect for them. There are some good teachers who teach well, but are rather full of their own self importance and she is one of these. I have little respect for her unfortunately as her behaviour a couple of years ago on a school trip that my other DS went on was less than professional. As it did not affect the safety of the children I have never mentioned it and did not complain, but it made me see her in a totally different light. But I digress.

Am I being unreasonable to think that if you confiscate property then you should at least look after it?

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 15/11/2013 18:41

I believe you may be legally right to make a claim against the school, I think it would be morally wrong.

Roussette · 15/11/2013 18:47

Legally right to make a claim against the school?! Good god, what has happened to common sense here FFS? It's ridiculous... the way some people have talked about this teacher is awful... like she's some kind of criminal. The OP's son should not have worn it in the first place.. and when you OP say you 'stupidly' assumed it was OK.. yes you assumed and your son tried it on.

HorsePetal · 15/11/2013 19:04

I do think that sometimes parents forget that it is their children who are now the pupils and no longer them.

So many times we see this goady 'ha ha' attitude from adults who left school long ago but can't quite seem to shake off the teacher/pupil dynamic.

You are supposed to be all grown up now and setting a good example to your own children which includes supporting and getting behind the teachers.

Not enjoying and relishing each and every victory against them.

There is a very good reason why I'm not a teacher. It's not the kids I would be worried about but the bloody parents.

It's just a sodding earring for gods sake - this teacher is probably awake half the night, mulling this over and over and over in her head. Worrying about what she will have to face next week. Worrying about what the head thinks. Doubting her own judgement and feeling apprehensive about upholding the schools standards when the next child turns up in designer trainers that also have to be confiscated.

Is this really what you want???

sarine1 · 15/11/2013 19:05

I would be embarrassed to admit that as a parent I failed to support a school in enforcing their rules with my child. Adolescents (and younger children) who believe that their parents will never criticise them, no matter what they do, are generally the ones who stop others learning in schools, are self centred and bully others and generally are unkind and thoughtless to others. Thankfully these children are still in a minority in most schools. It's thoughtless parenting - taking the easy way out - being a 'false friend' and not an effective parent.

PurpleRayne · 15/11/2013 19:24

It will come from the local authority's insurance, not the school budget. The teacher was careless and lied too. It is not a good example. Similarly, it is not a good example to allow your child to arbitrarily disregard the rules.

havingastress · 15/11/2013 19:30

Tough luck. He shouldn't have had it in school. Full stop.

If it was valuable, then you should have been especially careful with it.

soverylucky · 15/11/2013 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 15/11/2013 19:37

But, for the Op, it seems like it's the teacher's lie that's fuelling the anger (and, IMO, that's a lot more pernicious than a lot of things in the opening scenario).

FlankShaftMcWap · 15/11/2013 19:38

Any decent teacher would have a) panicked like fuck and turned her bag/office/drawer upside down looking for it. b) rang the parent and explained the situation honestly and without resorting to blaming DS for having it in the first place. c) offered to replace it.

The issue for me is entirely the attitude with which the HOY has dealt with the situation. I would decline the offer of replacing it personally, and I would make DS earn the value of it with chores. but I would certainly make a point of asking the HOY why she said she had locked the stud away in pastoral when she knew she hadn't.

HorsePetal · 15/11/2013 19:41

I'm not trying to defend the teacher for lying but then again is it any bloody wonder when at any moment they could facing a witch-hunt from parents.

I think I would lie too under those circumstances.

HorsePetal · 15/11/2013 19:43

and flank why should the teacher have to 'panic like fuck'?

She shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place.

She is a teacher, there to educate our children. Not act as a security guard or guardian of property.

Original poster
conkercon · 15/11/2013 19:43

I am a bit shocked at the bile given on this thread to be honest. But, hey I guess it is AIBU. I fully support the school and some teachers when they have had the need to call me have thanked me for my support. Not afraid to do the usual banning of x box, grounding, etc when it is necessary.

There are some really fantastic teachers at his school and I wish I could clone some of them. Nowhere in my postings have I said I don't support the school. We are guilty of being stupid at one time or another. My DS being some sort of yob (he isn't) and me being a bad parent and I do not think I am.

I am fine that it was confiscated. I am upset that it has been lost and that the correct procedure was not followed and I am furious that she lied to me and said that it was my word against hers. I have just found out the policy is that the confiscated item should be left in pastoral where it will then be transferred to the front office. By her own words she told me that after she confiscated she went to pastoral, got an envelope and put it in the envelope. Why on earth did she not then just hand it over rather then keep it with her? I am totally confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
conkercon · 15/11/2013 19:47

And had it been DS who lost it then tough! My other son had his ipod stolen at school. I let the school know so they were aware, but made it absolutely plain that I blamed DS1 for bringing it in when he knew he should not. End of!

OP posts:
carlywurly · 15/11/2013 19:50

Dp is a teacher. I daren't repeat his response when I read this out.

HorsePetal · 15/11/2013 19:52

Why on earth did she not then just hand it over rather then keep it with her? I am totally confused

Maybe she had others things to deal with that were more important?

Like a sick child
Or a meeting with Social Services for a child being mistreated at home
Or an asthma attack
Or an Ofsted visit
Or trying to put support in place for a child being bullied
Or a meeting to attend so that another set of parents could complain about her
Or some homework marking
Or trying to chase up the relevant support agencies for an autistic child
Or one newly diagnosed with dyslexia
Maybe she was trying to welcome and settle a new child into school
Maybe she was having to organise the school prom
Or attend a PTA meeting
Or a Head of Year meeting
Or a school trip meeting
Maybe just maybe a million and one other things than an earring that should never have been brought into school in the first place.

Can you really not see that OP?

HorsePetal · 15/11/2013 19:53

more important than an earring

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 15/11/2013 19:54

That doesn't explain the lies though.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/11/2013 20:00

No, wibbly, it doesn't, but although the OP claims just above that it was the lie that made her "furious" and the other things just made her "upset", in fact she was already furious in line 1 of her OP.

So maybe we can safely say she would have been furious whatever the outcome and whether or not the teacher lied.

Budgiegirlbob · 15/11/2013 20:03

FFS, it's tough to be a teacher. For some people, they can do nothing right.

I appreciate that the OP should have been told the truth regarding the earring, but ultimately, OP, your DS should not have had that earring in school. The teacher should not have been in the put in the position where she had to look after a valuable item that should not have been in school.

I think that the teacher was correct to confiscate it, and should not have allowed your DS to put it in his bag. You are very lucky that the school will pay for a replacement, and you really need to just drop this matter.

FlankShaftMcWap · 15/11/2013 20:21

Oh come on, who wouldn't panic if they realised they had lost something belonging to someone else? Particularly if they knew they hadn't followed the relevant procedure? I would panic! I didn't say that she had to, it's simply a pretty commonplace response to realising you've ballsed up,

You're sorely mistaken if you think I condone any witch hunt against teachers. I have had, and still do have, brilliant relationships with many of the staff who have taught my DC. I admire and respect them because I trust them, as well as appreciating how tireless and enthusiastic they are.

This particular teacher has fallen short of the standard of behaviour that is expected from pupils let alone staff. Teachers don't generally tolerate being lied to, why should parents?

FlankShaftMcWap · 15/11/2013 20:24

Excuse errant commas! One handed phone tapping is a bloody nuisance!

Bogeyface · 15/11/2013 20:35

So, all the "tough shit, he shouldnt have worn it" lot.

You are having an operation, you forget to remove your wedding ring. The nurse says she will take it and keep it safe for you, you will get it back after the op.

She loses it.

Tough shit because you shouldnt have had it on?

HorsePetal · 15/11/2013 20:38

Well yes bogeyface

My wedding ring is my responsibility not anyone else's and if I wanted to guarantee its safety I would leave it at home?

Why is that so hard to grasp?

Bogeyface · 15/11/2013 20:39

It isnt so hard to grasp your POV, I just disagree with it.

DawnOfTheDee · 15/11/2013 20:39

Depending what sort of school it is it could well come from their budget. I'm not convinced the school's insurance policy would cover this and even if it did I'm pretty sure the value of the earring would fall within the policy excess.

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