AIBU to be fuming over my mums will.

[navada]

My mum lives in a house worth over 700k. I always assumed that on her death the house would be sold & split between me & my 3 siblings. ( I'd never been told otherwise! )
Anyway, about 5 years ago my brother moved back in with my mum when his marriage broke up, it was only supposed to be a temporary measure until he sorted himself out - he never quite got around to sorting himself out & still lives there. I found out a few months ago that my mum has made a will leaving the house to all of us, but with a stipulation that my brother can say in the house for as long as he wants. He's fully intending to take up that offer.

Right now I hate both of them. how bloody unfair!

1 sister doesn't care & the other one is more angry than me!

It's just split us all & will do nothing but create ill feeling for years - that's the worst part.

I think this scenario will cause mayhem at a later date. You either have to tackle it head on now with your other siblings or find a way to accept their wishes

I honestly think your situation is different, Alice.

YABVU!

Why do you think a girlfriend has a responsibility to house her non committal boyfriend just so that you can get your hands on some unearned cash?

Do you actually need the money?

Would you make one of your children homeless if you could prevent it?

So the boy gets to stop his 3 sisters from inheriting money that could really help their families, possibly until he dies?

Way to go Mom, that's a great legacy.

"Would you make one of your children homeless if you could prevent it?"

Having to move out of your parents' home in your 40s with plenty of money to find somewhere else to live is not "being made homeless" FFS

YABVU - your DM isn't dead yet and you're squabbling about the house?

Well, of course it's her estate, but it does seem like a decision which is going to make relations difficult between you and your siblings. Not really about the money but that one of you has complete control over the situation. I think it needs to be discussed openly, if possible.

I don't think your mum has thought it through properly.

In effect your brother gets a house to live in as long as he likes and you will only benefit from it should he decide to sell or die.

Your mother should really make a stipulation of say one year from her death that the house gets sold and split. Alternatively, you could move back in with your own family which I am sure will prompt your brother to want to sell fast.

Wow.

I hope she decides to sell up and go partying for the rest of her life.

She's not even in the ground and you 'hate her' because you want her money.

It's not "your inheritance", it's your Mum's house and if she decides to give it to the local cats' home then that's her choice.

What if she decided that in her last decade she wanted to sell up, buy a tiny little flat somewhere (that your brother could live in) and go sailing round the world on cruises 80% of the year - is that "your inheritance" going down the drain?

YAB so U

YANBU. Obviously it's up to your mum what happens, but of course you are going to be hurt.

Would it be plenty of money though by the time any inheritance tax, legal fees, funeral costs are paid for before its split four ways?

For all we know this house is in the arse end of nowhere and not in good repair and isn't worth much at all.

Well it's his home why should he be kicked out. She might outlive the whole lot of you. I would gently point out to her though that it would be good for you and your siblings to be treated equally, or the resulting rift will never heal. I think some people get a kick from maliciously drawing up wills to settle scores, I know my own MIL has.

I find this one difficult actually. I always have a bit of an issue with adults living with their parents long term, it just seems so wrong. I often think the parents are indulging them way too much and that the adult child needs to get a grip and learn to stand on their own two feet tbh. Plus I have no idea how they cope living with their parents as an adult, I couldn't even make it to 16!

I think your mother should be encouraging him to find somewhere of his own now tbh so that he's settled before she goes. Then with that sort of money when she does die he can buy his own place outright anyway but at least until then he's 'cut the apron strings' so to speak. Otherwise, by the sounds of it, he'll stay there forever and none of you will get a penny...

I know it seems horrid that people even think about the money when someone dies but in a situation like this I do think it would be more fair to have it sold and split asap otherwise he'll probably take the piss and stay there.

YANBU. Surprised you have been given such a harsh response by many. I suspect a lot of them would change their tune if in your position to be honest.

Why is it that people think its terrible to treat children differently and play favourites while alive, yet it is fine to completely favour one in the will and hurt and snub all others. It's not about being entitled, I think it's natural to expect roughly fair treatment especially when the son in the house is not actually in any more need. I don't think a grown adult should be encouraged to stay in the parental home either and she should be encouraging him to be independent, not scrounging off his mother like a lazy bum, as it sounds.

OP I really think most people would feel as you do.

Get an estate agent to do an evaluation of the likely market rent it would fetch. Divide that by 4: one fourth is your brother's portion, the other three fourths are due to you & your other 2 siblings. That is the rent your brother should pay.

Plus, as resident there, he should be paying all Council tax (he'll get a 25% discount for single occupancy), utility bills, and contents insurance. He should be paying a quarter of all buildings insurance and maintenance.

And while I agree that no-one has a "right" to any inheritance, I can understand the OP's anger & hurt at the unequal treatment of one child over the other 3.

That's why I'm suggesting that the OP put it on a completely formal business footing.

Tikka - thank you. it's not about the money in all honestly, it's about the unfairness of it all. Myself & my sisters have worked hard all our lives whilst my brother has made one almighty mess of his, my mother seems to be rewarding that.

Anyway - thank you all for listening. I'll have a good read through all posts a little later.

Thanks again.

YANBU I can see your point fully. You could all benefit nicely with the sale of your dear mothers house and the proceeds could no doubt make your life easier (dont know your situation financially). I dont see in this situation why the house cannot be sold, the proceeds split fairly and your brother with his share go and buy a flat or small house. Surely your brother is being selfish in living in this 700k house knowing full well his siblings could be benefiting from some of the proceeds. At the end of the day it is not technically his house. He seems to be treating it as if it is.

Another vote for YANBU. Sounds really unfair and poorly thought out by your mother unless you brother is disabled or in some other way unable to work and support himself. Did anyone used to watch that programme where people making wills were given advice on how best to divide their assets? Don't remember anyone being told it would be a good idea to leave one child living in a house to be left jointly to all children.

I don't think it's always quite so simple as "it's their money and they can do what they want with it". Many people would have no issue with their parents giving it all to charity, or downsizing, and enjoying themselves with the equity while they still could. But favouring a particular sibling when there are no extenuating circumstances to justify that is entirely different and potentially extremely hurtful, and I've read about adult children being placed in exactly that position - which they were hitherto unaware of - while they were still grieving, and then wondering what on earth their deceased parent thought of them to have arranged things that way - with no way of getting answers to that question. If, after a parent dies, you are treated differently to your sibling(s) and you don't understand why it can really rock the idea you previously had about your relationship with your parent - to the extent you might think you didn't actually know them as you thought you did, or that they didn't love you the way you believed them to.

Conversely, I've also read about families where siblings are "favoured" with good, understandable reason, such as them having a disability (and therefore more money would make life easier for them) or sibs who've done very well for themselves (and who'd never be homeless) being less "favoured" compared to another sibling who has no chance otherwise of ever owning their own home. But the crucial thing in those cases IMO is that the parent(s) explain their motivation for such decisions before they die - so those left behind aren't shocked and/or hurt by apparent favouritism. I know some of you will think that people shouldn't have to justify themselves - but I would hate for my kids (if I was going to do something seemingly uneven) to fall out and/or feel shattered after my death when it was too late for me to reassure them that my bequests were practical, and not a measure of how much I felt for them.

Hyenafunk I have a health condition that made it very difficult to hold down a good full time job (ie one that pays enough to be able to rent, pay bills etc). I lived with my parents until I was about 33 and I can absolutely assure you it was the last thing i EVER wanted to do. It was excruciatingly embarrassing living in one bedroom and I was in a pretty bad place mentally.

Luckily I was able to fund myself through a course that allowed me to become self employed and set myself flexible hours and just earn enough to keep a roof over my head independently. Then I met OH, had my son, and the rest is pretty lovely actually.

But because of this I always try not to judge dependant adults too harshly. Yes there will be those few who are lazy feckers and using their parents to fund a student lifestyle in their forties. But the majority of these adults will have MH problems or have fallen on some very tough financial times due to relationship breakdowns or health problems.

OP I have re-read your thread and posts. I am still in agreement YANBU. I can bet you a million that the posters on here against your thinking would in your situation feel the same.

Wow. Just wow.

I hope one day the op comes back and re-reads their post and feels very very guilty. YABVVVVVU.

Good God. I hope that I am not just seen as a cash cow for my dds someday. Surely it is the mums money, therefore hers to do what she wants. At the moment the ds is keeping her company, probably helping around the house, is a bit reliant still on his mum (regardless of his age) and therefore her way of dealing with this is to try and provide a roof for him when she is gone rather than him losing his mum and his home. She is being 100% fair as he doesn't actually profit from it as it is divided by 4 eventually.

What is she meant to do? - make sure he is kicked out on the streets when she dies after potentially living at home for most of his adult life. Give away his roof over his head just because her selfish dd wants her inheritance.

Would we all not try to do the same in that situation. I am a little lost for words. I genuinely do not see any of my parents money as my inheritance and hope they spend it having fun or being looked after nicely in old age.