AIBU to be fuming over my mums will.

[navada]

My mum lives in a house worth over 700k. I always assumed that on her death the house would be sold & split between me & my 3 siblings. ( I'd never been told otherwise! )
Anyway, about 5 years ago my brother moved back in with my mum when his marriage broke up, it was only supposed to be a temporary measure until he sorted himself out - he never quite got around to sorting himself out & still lives there. I found out a few months ago that my mum has made a will leaving the house to all of us, but with a stipulation that my brother can say in the house for as long as he wants. He's fully intending to take up that offer.

Right now I hate both of them. how bloody unfair!

Just because it is his home, it shouldn't follow that he has a right to live in it forever. If that was the case, no one would get their house repossessed if they fall on hard times and no one would have to sell to psy care fees!

He may well be doing all sorts to help his mum, but otoh he might be living rent free and responsibility free. Why should that continue simply because he has become accustomed to it?

The OP's post are so unashamedly furious and nasty that I almost admire her.

I think it would depend on whether or not my brother was a twat as to whether I would be angry about this. I do think though that will be closer if the live together and I wouldn't want to see one of my children be homeless.

You are certainly not BU. Especially galling as you say he doesn't do anything to help her.

Things like that still happen where I live. I even knew of a woman who never married and stayed with and looked after the elderly parents. When they died she found out the house had been left to her brother (as was fisher tradition) She was effectively homeless and had to get a council house.

Needless to say the brother sold the house soon after.

Will you have to pay for maintenance?

OP, I didn't realise your mother was still alive. So the "putting it on a business footing" is not applicable advice!

But I can still see why you feel upset .. it's as if your mother is saying that you & your sisters are worth less than your brother. Some sexist assumptions by your mother perhaps?

It IS awkward talking to a parent about his/her will. It IS their money after all. So I see why people think you're being grabby. But it's my experience (lots of heavy valuable wills across my extended family) that money & material assets in families often mean MORE than the actual cash value. The money can be symbolic of other kinds of valuing of family members.

However, it will sound grabby if you fume at your mother -- is there a way (when you've cooled off) that you can ask your mother if she really values you less than your brother? And tell her, as calmly & non-blaming way as possible, that her intentions make you feel as if you are worth less to her, as if she values you less.

I'm sure you are well aware that no-one is automatically entitled to expect anything from their parents' estate, but unless there is an extremely good reason for it, it is completely out of order to favour one child over the others and it leads to no end of hurt and anger

This.

I've seen it, and it really is not a happy thing. Luckily in my family, the inequality with which a parent treated one sibling (for no stated reason) was sorted out by the other siblings evening out the inheritance, and sharing equally between them all.

The hurt of the one sibling who'd been passed over (it was inexplicable there was no alienation or break in the relationship) was awful to witness, even though the amount wasn't big it barely paid off the mortgage.

yanbu. :(

Rather than focussing on how unfair you feel the will is (and I can see both sides of the argument), I think you need to talk to your mum about whether the will is actually legally sound. Has it been drawn up by a solicitor? What happens with inheritance tax? Is your mother expecting you and your siblings to conjure up the tens of thousands of pounds in inheritance tax so your brother can stay in the house?

She needs proper legal advice from a wills expert, otherwise none of her wishes will be met.

OP, I think your Mum is showing appalling favouritism. I would be devastated if my parents did this to me. When your mother passes away your brother would be perfectly within his rights to move his girlfriend in and raise a family rent free in a £700000 house, and there would be nothing you could do about it.
My Grandad's parents gave his unmarried sister the right to stay in their lovely house after they died. Everyone was happy with this. Then another sister was widowed and moved in. Again everyone was fine with it. But when the two old ladies died, the widowed one's grown up son claimed the house for himself and there was no paperwork to prove things otherwise. It caused a big rift in the family.

If your brother is there for forty years, who knows if your mother's original wishes will even be followed.

Yanbu. I'm shocked by the responses you've got! I think that a parent should treat their children equally, in your case that doesn't seem to be happening.

YABVU, you claim your brother doesnt help with jobs meaning your mother gets trade people in but he's not doing anything different to his siblings as you dont do the jobs either.

Why should he rush into a relationship simpy as you want the cash.

Hopefully your mum will see how grasping you are are change the will leaving it all to the cats home when your brother does move out. Would serve you right.

I hope DS loves me for being his mum and has no expectatios rather than eyeing up how much my house is worth.

I would talk to your mum (gently and nicely) and just explain that DB will stay in her house till his death, leaving non of the DS's to benefit. Surely she would want to treat everyone fairly and such a situation could create lots of tension and problems between the siblings after her death.

I hope DS loves me for being his mum and has no expectations rather than eyeing up how much my house is worth

But if you gave everything to your DS in such a way that others of your DCs had nothing, do you think your other DCs would be happy with this?

I agree patents should treat their children fairly. It's rubbish to give one child special treatment at the expense of the others. 1/4 of 700 is enough for him to buy or put a deposit down on his own house.

You just have to find a tactful and intelligent and nice way to discuss the issue with your mum.

OP, I can see how hurt you are by this and I think I would be too. It is the favouritism (perceived if not actual) that stings.

My family was in a similar situation after my gran died. We had been living with her for 20 years and my parents had done a lot to the place, plus paid her some form of rent for a while though I don't know the details.

When she died, the house went to my Dad and not jointly with his two siblings. It could have had a terrible effect on family relations. But my parents immediately had the house valued, taking into account the improvements and upkeep they had made over the years.

They then took out a mortgage to cover 2/3 of that valuation, and paid it in equal parts to my dad's siblings.

It's not 100% perfect as a solution, but it went a long way to keeping the close relationships with my uncle and aunt.

I can actually understand where you're coming from. If this goes ahead, you probably won't benefit from any possible inheritance until you are too old to enjoy it while your brother gets to live in a big, posh house which is probably too big from him. I very much doubt he'll move out as it sounds like he knows a good thing when he's on to it.

My MIL lives with my brother in law who is 30 and had said she's leaving the flat to him and nothing to her other son, my husband because her live in son needs somewhere guaranteed to live. I'm pissed off about it but there's nothing I can do. It's her money. Even though she's never worked a day in her life.

There was an unequal distribution in our family between siblings but it was done for very clearly understood reasons. My Dad explained the situation to everyone and we all accepted and agreed with it because under the specific circumstances it was completely fair and reasonable. Nobody had a surprise when my Dad died because he had been transparent in advance about what he was doing and why and discussed the implications with everyone before he got his will drawn up.

And no I didn't have right to stay in the house

Yanbu. Honestly cannot see why anyone thinks Yabu. I guess its one of those threads

Still, the YABVVVVUUUUUU posts are terribly helpful in sorting out my mumsnet spreadsheet.

I can only assume those saying yabu don't have the basic intelligence to grasp what you have so clearly spelled out in your op.

we have a similar set up with my parents
i would be furious
but it would never happen. my parents are very aware of treating all siblings equally.
does your mum realise it means you will never get the money but might need to remortgage to pay the inheritance tax, meanwhile your brother is living in a 700k house
he will be left enough to buy a small house anyway

How sad that at this stage of life, anyone is more upset about what their parent chooses to do with their estate than to be distressed about the thought of their passing.

Then again I say this as a disinherited only child - no discernible reason for it either other than parental whim - not sure if that trumps sibling favouritism or not really but am not really bothered as parent isn't dead yet anyway (Monty Python reference incase that sounds harsh)

sibling rivalry is so intense (or can be) that the will is a sign of who the real, unspoken favourite was. it might not be meant that way, but it is taken that way.

i can't imagine my parents doing that for no good reason, and the reason given is not a good reason. i would be v hurt. i see how lucky i am to have the parents i have

feel for you, op

Mn cadinal sins: 1 Expecting a present, 2 Mentioning inheritence. Lol at the inevtable stampede to be outraged and to call you 'entitled'. I can see why you feel aggrieved, absolutely.

You're DM is entitled to leave her estate to anyone or anything she wants- as I'm sure you are aware OP.

However, I suspect that the real issue behind this is not the money/inheritance per se- it's that there is implied favouritism towards one sibling. Which I would find upsetting too.

So YANBU to be hurt. Perhaps a little unreasonable to "hate them both" though.