AIBU to be fuming over my mums will.

[navada]

My mum lives in a house worth over 700k. I always assumed that on her death the house would be sold & split between me & my 3 siblings. ( I'd never been told otherwise! )
Anyway, about 5 years ago my brother moved back in with my mum when his marriage broke up, it was only supposed to be a temporary measure until he sorted himself out - he never quite got around to sorting himself out & still lives there. I found out a few months ago that my mum has made a will leaving the house to all of us, but with a stipulation that my brother can say in the house for as long as he wants. He's fully intending to take up that offer.

Right now I hate both of them. how bloody unfair!

Another couple of points that IMO are being missed:

Yes, my siblings and I too would far rather have had my parents around for longer than inherited money from them. Unfortunately we did not get the choice. Our parents, rather thoughtlessly died. Parents do that, in the normal course of events, sooner than their children. Expecting this, and planning for it, is by no means the same as wanting them to hurry up and die so you can get your hands on the money. That is why I have made a will (splitting everything equally between my DCs, of course!) even though I have no immediate intention of popping my clogs, and told the DCs what is in it and where they can put their hands on a copy. One day the worst will happen, I will be dead, and they will inherit tuppence ha'penny and a spot of jam a share of my worldly goods. Because EVERYONE dies, although they don't all leave a decent amount of money. (I sure won't!) It is unfair to accuse the OP of hoping her mother will die soon. She has expressed anger towards her mother, but not a sincere wish that she would drop dead.

Which leads us to point 2, concerning some comments that the OP is talking about this when her mother is not even dead. That, frankly, is taking delicacy too far. Once her mother is dead there is no point talking to her about the will being unfair, because she is not in a position to change anything; being, you know, dead. There is no possibility of discussing the ramifications that may not have been considered. The only time to talk to mum about the terms of her will is while she is still alive. Is this not totally self-evident? As stated above, discussing a will is not tantamount to telling someone to hurry up and die. It's just being prepared for the worst that not only can but will happen eventually - about the only thing in life that is completely guaranteed, although hopefully not soon.

(Took so long typing this I've probably cross-posted with about half a dozen posters saying the same but much more concisely.)

I too have heard of this kind of thing before, it isn't always offspring who are genuinely homeless or in dire straits, but sometimes it's a Golden Child who stands to gain the most, and sometimes it's perceived as traditional that the eldest son or only 'son and heir' (whatever order of birth) gets the most, regardless of their siblings' circumstances.

In this instance at least OP and her siblings have been told well in advance which at least means there's no unpleasant surprise on top of eventual grief at bereavement.

I don't blame the OP for having taken the news badly but as she found out months' ago, by her own admission, I am struck that is still rankles greatly to the point it sours both relationships.

Yabu but so is your brother. If I was your mother I'd give it all to charity. I can't begin to imagine caring about inheritance. My mum and dad died and money was the last thing on my mind (and I am hardly rolling in it). You need to think hard about your life priorities.

I've read all the OPs posts but not all the others, but where does it state that the brother can stay in the house RENT FREE? Surely, the OP and other siblings will be entitled to 1/4 each of the going rate for rent for the house?
Look at it this way, OP, your DCs will be provided for through no effort of yours and you can blow your own money on whatever you choose
I can see why you would be hurt by this, I would encourage you to point out the loopholes, such as inheritance tax etc to your DM, but ultimately I wouldn't let it drive a wedge between your family.

I really do think it's petty and grabby! These are the OP's siblings and she shouldn't begrudge them things! None of them are entitled to anything actually, so the OP and anyone else should see anything they DO get as an extra, not someting they DON'T get as a loss!

Either way, the most healthy attitude is to be grateful that your mum has had a long life, be happy that your marriage has not failed so you haven't had to move back in with your mum, and never expect money from anyone (even your parents). That way you shouldn't hold so much resentment and will find it easier to get on with your loved ones :-)

I really had no idea that so many adults still wanted exactly equal treatment from their parents! But I will bear this in mind in future!

Fairness is an important concept but it can also be quite objective. In this mother's view she probably feels she is being very fair - they are all being left an equal share but she naturally doesn't want to see the brother chucked out of his home as soon as she dies which, given the attitude of the op both towards the money and towards the brother seems pretty likely. Whatever the op's feelings the mother clearly loves her Son and wants to protect him.

Maybe he'll decide he would rather have the money than the house and all this rage will have been for nothing. OP really needs to adjust her attitude - the mum might be tempted to tell her where to stick her 'inheritance'.

I now feel very fortunate that my brother and I haven't spoken about 'favouritsm' by our parents since we were in primary school. I had no idea that some adults out there are this petty!! I think my parents try to be fair

Ok so you've never actually experienced favoritism, can't relate to the op at all, don't consider that her paying inheritance tax and upkeep on a house her brother will live in for the rest of his life is perhaps unfair, but think she's being unreasonable and childish anyway. Ok.

We are in a similar position but on both sides of the family. My dh has a much younger sister in her mid twenties and when she was born my dh was told by his df that all his money would be left to her. His other ds has split with her oh and as she can't afford the mortgage on her 4 bed house and doesn't want to downsize, even though it would be just her living there, their dm is going to sell her house and give all the money to her dd and move in with her. My dm is leaving her house to my db even though he already owns 2 houses and his dw will inherit another one.

You are all right of course it is their money to do with as they wish but it is hurtful and it does change everyone's relationships. We used to do everything for my mil but she treats us and her gc like we don't exist anymore. my dh and his ds used to have a very good relationship as did we with my db and his dw but I don't think it will ever recover properly.

Enjoy your mother while she's here and worry about this shitaftershe's actually died

Instead of talking to her about it now and pointing out some things she may not have realised . . . you're suggesting waiting until she's dead when it will be to late to do anything about it legally.

Yeah ok. That's sounds like a good idea.

My mum has died as well. Its not a licence to give shit advice.

^ That's possibly a bit harsh.

Unequal wills are such a bad idea. Bils family were torn apart - father gave a small farm worth £1million to my Bil who had worked relentlessly for the father but then gave the bigger farm worth £11million to other other two brothers who had run off to Uni - as it was described by Bil. For whatever reason the decision was made it has left a huge amount of bad feeling between the brothers. I think you should have a damned good reason to treat your dcs differently because you should know that it will cause problems and as a parent surely that's something you'd wish to avoid.

I don't think the op is being unreasonable feeling the way she does, I think it's pretty normal.

YANBU to be upset and hurt at the sibling favouritism. It is one of the acutest pains. I suspect you may have a point that your DB being male may have something to do with it in this case. Lots of the older generation do feel that the oldest son should inherit all. It must be extra painful if you and your sisters have taken more care of your mum and been there for her more than your bro who is simply on the make, as you see it. My only advice is that, beyond talking to your mum about how the will makes you feel about her feelings for you, try not to let it poison your relationship with anyone in the family. As lots have said, it is her money, although minifingers had it on the button earlier too.

*subjective

I would never suggest sharing the contents of ones will. That is one of the key reasons that families tear each other to shreds. Setting expectations in advance is a bad idea because a will is designed to change throughout life to reflect altering circumstances.

Wills should be personal to the individual per on who owns them and if more people recognised that, the rubbing of hands, the distasteful discussions and thoughts about how much someone is "worth" would diminish

I find the promising of a legacy manipulate controlling and downright yeuckkkkk!

OP it does not IMVHO make you a bad person, you naturally feel upset about the situation because you know about it too soon. Life is shit sometimes

surely he would have to buy you out of your share to stay there?

minty I'd love to see your spreadsheet

Completely agree that the OP is NBU. Of course it's not fair. Love the sanctimonious "you should be grateful for a single rose taken from the garden while he gets the estate" type responses.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable. A quarter share of a house that you can't sell but are still liable for inheritance tax and the upkeep on sounds like a millstone, not a legacy.

Unless there is a strong reason to provide for the brother over and above the other siblings (e.g has SN and needs money for long term care) then the house should be sold and he can use his share of the £700K to start afresh in his own house.

When DH's father died very suddenly, I realised that wills had an enormous emotional component.

As somebody said earlier, they are the last message you get to send to your family and you should make sure the message is unequivocal and non-hurtful (unless you enjoy creating family dramas, which some people do)

In (now) DH's case there was a will that hadn't been signed. That will made some (small, I don't know the details) for him, but none at all for his sister. His father and sister had been estranged for some years.

At the time I made a throwaway remark to DH about how just not getting around to doing some paperwork could lead to such a hassle (the estate went into probate, or whatever it's called because there was no will).

But DH was adamant that it wasn't an oversight that his Dad hadn't signed his will, but a deliberate decision. He believes (and very much WANTS to believe) that when it came to it his Dad couldn't sign a will that left his sister out, despite their estrangement.

It matters a lot to him that the lack of will shows that his Dad loved his sister until he died.

Now you can call that childish and silly. But it's very human. It's very human to want to think well of your parents and have your parents think well of you and your siblings.

To my mind it is extremely foolish and unfair to write a will that treats people you should love equally unequally.

"I find the promising of a legacy manipulate controlling and downright yeuckkkkk!"

Me too.

Minifingers - this is my favourite quote of the day a generation that doesn't believe in exercise and lives on rich tea biscuits and sherry So true

OP - I don't think it's unreasonable to feel as though your brother is being treated as the favourite child. In your position I would request a copy of the will and obtain personal financial advice. I would then go back to your mum and outline the financial implications for you and if it involved coming up with a lump sum to cover IHT and yearly maintenance costs, ask that you be excluded altogether.

Your brother may not have thought this through - if your mother wants to move (or needs to) into residential care then presumably the house may be sold to cover the cost anyway.

If the only way to hang onto the asset is to remain a "resident" (and legally that it presumably over 50% of the week or you could contest his residency), that makes your brother your Mum's primary carer and companion. Good luck to him I say - from your description of his involvement to date, I can't see him stepping up to what's involved in caring for an aging parent into their dotage - getting her up the stairs at night, etc etc.

I don't think your mum has really thought this through.
She is thinking let her son live there because she doesn't like to think of him being forced out of his home until he is ready to move on, whereas your DB is thinking yippee a free house for the rest of my life!

Leaving aside whether it is fair to the OP, it's not really giving the brother any incentive to stench on his own feet, not good parenting IMO

Stand not stench!

Although your earlier posts make you sound a little grabby and unreasonable, I do get what you are saying, it is awful for parents to show favouritism toward one child. I think the worst thing your mother is doing is causing a rift in her family, I just can't imagine why some people do that. Similar happened in my family too but it was a long time ago and I got over it and luckily while it remains VERY unfair, there is no animosity within the family anymore.

I sincerely hope that my siblings and I would find a way to sort out any unfairness relating to a legacy from my parents. We love each other a lot (younger brother and older sister) and I would be devastated at any bitterness between us.