AIBU to be fuming over my mums will.

[navada]

My mum lives in a house worth over 700k. I always assumed that on her death the house would be sold & split between me & my 3 siblings. ( I'd never been told otherwise! )
Anyway, about 5 years ago my brother moved back in with my mum when his marriage broke up, it was only supposed to be a temporary measure until he sorted himself out - he never quite got around to sorting himself out & still lives there. I found out a few months ago that my mum has made a will leaving the house to all of us, but with a stipulation that my brother can say in the house for as long as he wants. He's fully intending to take up that offer.

Right now I hate both of them. how bloody unfair!

The current elderly had a better chance at retirement I agree. They suffered early in life, evacuated, rationing and itchy 70's fabric. It's not their fault they take the largest portion of tax payers benefits.

What I think is interesting in this whole thread is how much flak the OP is getting (her way of expressing hurt and anger is a little extreme, but still ..) for being entitled BUT, the brother is getting none of that aggression directed at him.

And yet he seems to be anticipating his mother's death just as much as the OP, and is gloating over his mother's rather odd will. The OP says he moved in to his mother's after a failed marriage & he doesn't do anything especially for her I see why his marriage failed

Really, come on MN, who's actually behaving like the entitled one here???

This is more common than you think. It's not unfair and it's not unreasonable. It's about protecting the interests of somebody who lives in the house and preventing other beneficiaries from turfing them out of their home. He's been given a life interest which means he can live there as long as he likes but has to maintain the property. He also can't ask you for money towards bills or use the property to raise a mortgage or other finance because he doesn't own all of it. However, your mother does need to get some proper inheritance tax advice as this will need to be paid on her death regardless of whether the house is sold or not. The solicitor who drew up the will won't be in a position to advise on this aspect necessarily. Go see a good specialist financial planner and get this sorted. She probably hasn't even considered the IHT aspects of her estate. In the meantime you are worrying about something that may or may not happen in the future. Your brother may not want to live in the house in the future despite what he says now. You could ask him to buy out your share. Your mother could change her will next week and leave it all to a cats home. She has been fair, she's left the house to all of you but is clearly worried about her son being kicked out and that's an issue that needs to be addressed.

Brokensoul-People can feel resentment towards their parents without becoming nasty people. If this situation changes the way the OP feels and acts towards her mother during the last few years of her mothers life it will be her mothers fault, not hers.

So true upthechimney

I would make a stand over this. Id tell my parent that the current arrangement is unfair, and if its not changed then you will forego your share of the will.

If the brother gets £200k, thats enough for a nice house.

YANBU.

I spose it is partly that we have v many elderlies who never dreamt of having half a million to pass on to DCs. Hence the daft decision making.

The wealthier members of society will already have plans in place to stash money into trusts or whatever to avoid IHT and even care home fees.

Your mother is entitled to do what she wants. I think the extra special treatment to another sibling is a hurtful feeling to be left with when she passes away. In this case though, she is still leaving you (and children?) the same legacy as the other siblings; Just deferred.

Is this brother a parasitic lodger, rather than a caring companion to your mother? If he was staying with her to use her house like a doss house (electricity for washing, food, etc.) , that would be irritating. You just know sometimes the sibling wouldn't go near the parent if they couldn't suck them dry. Disclaimer: I have a brother who did this (in his 30's and 40's), so feel revulsion for people like that. My mother used to even pay for the petrol in his car. He was my mother's son, however, and she loved him so didn't see it as being taken advantage of.

What would happen if you and your other siblings split with their partners and moved in with your brother and your mother? Taking all the children with you. How long do you think your brother would last there before scurrying off to his girlfriend permanently.

Seems like pure favouritism.

If all four of you are inheriting the house, does it explicitly state that you 3 others cannot stay there. If you guys start using it as a pied A terre as well, it may feel more 'fair' to you.

Op

Some right uptight people here? I get your hurt and frustration. I'd feel similar. Have you thought about gaining advice yourself so that you could suggest alternative good ideas that DM might take up? Say a 5yr time limit?

"It's not their fault they take the largest portion of tax payers benefits".

Yes - but it is unfair that they bloody read the Daily Mail, spend all their money on biscuits and cruises, and moan constantly about immigrants and how much tax they've paid shameless stereotyping

It's too late now for Lambzig's ex, and the extraordinary situation where he was left a share of a house on which IHT needed to be paid - forcing him to sell his flat to do so - even though he received no immediate benefit from that property as his brothers had a right to live there for life. However, I'm sure I've read in the past that no-one is obliged to accept a legacy if they don't want to ..... not quite sure what happens to it after that (or, if I'm recalling correctly), whether it goes to the state, or is absorbed back into the estate and divided amongst the remaining beneficiaries or what ..... but obviously, there have been examples of people being left money by someone they hated, and don't therefore want it on principle, or, as in the OP's case, if there was IHT liability, she might well be better off ditching her share rather than pay £000s for a property she may never benefit from in her lifetime in brother outlives her.

Does anyone know if I'm correct ?

YANBU to feel hurt and angry. If you have a good relationship with your Mum the raise the matter tentatively over a nice meal with her. My father has also given lifetime tenancy to my Step-Mother but she has to keep the house in good repair and maintain it until such a time as she decides we can sell or she passes away. France have better inheritance laws because assets are viewed as family owned which protects the offspring somewhat. Too many parents play fast and loose with assets they have built up...if they do not want to pass on help in the form of wealth then one wonders why they had kids in the first place. Maybe more parents would not play power games with different siblings if they knew that any children they brought into the world were 'entitled' to a share of family assets that did not rely on parents' whims...a cats' home indeed!

All this talk of "it's not faaaiiirrrr" makes posters sound like they are about 6! As though the brother got more sweets or pocket money or something! You are all adults FFS! and the OP should love her brother enough that she is happy for him that his home will be protected after the death of his mother.

I now feel very fortunate that my brother and I haven't spoken about 'favouritsm' by our parents since we were in primary school. I had no idea that some adults out there are this petty!! I think my parents try to be fair, but being fair doesn't always mean giving the exact same thing to everyone.

For example my parents paid a lot of money for my brother to go to a special boarding school because they felt it met his needs better than any other school. They didn't pay for me to go as they felt a different school met my needs better. That is still being fair, despite the fact it meant they spent about £50,000 more on my brother than on me when we were growing up. They just wanted what was best for him. Should I now be banging on their door asking for my share?! Of course bloody not! I love my brother and am glad my parents were able to help him out in the way they thought best.

I've noticed over the past few years that despite being financially comfortable my parents dont really spend much money. I mentioned this to my dad recently and he said that they didn't want to spend all their money so there was nothing left for my brother and I. It nearly broke my heart to hear him say that as I have never even thought about getting my parents' money when they die. In fact I genuinely hope they don't leave anything as they live a long, happy life having as much fun as possible.

If I heard now that they planned to leave their house to my brother and nothing to me, I would find it strange but would be happy for my brother as he earns less than me, and would bear no resentment against my parents as the money was never mine anyway so it's not like I would have lost anything anyway! Only a child would think 'that's not fair, they must not love me' - like I used to think if my brother was allowed to watch a tv programme that I wasn't allowed to! In the OP's situation it's not even strange as the mum is just making sure the brother keeps his home!

I think you need to grow up, stop thinking like a child and realise that there's far more important things in life than who gets more money than who!

This way though the only real beneficiary of the will is her brother as the rest of them are at his mercy. He gets a free home and they have to wait

Fairness is actually a very important concept in all societies.

To dismiss it as childish and irrelevant to mature adults is to completely misunderstand human nature and interactions.

Enjoy your mother while she's here and worry about this shit after she's actually died.

My mother is dead, has been for years and I can't bear people who take their parents for granted.

Your Mum is your brother's Mum too and what a shame she has to stipulate this in her will because you have pound signs in your eyes.

Maybe a rethink is in order OP?

There is nothing childish about wanting fairness. Nor is it petty when there are tens or even hundreds of thousands of pounds at stake. What a silly comment.

Why should the brother get a home that is both rent and mortgage free because he is to be allowed to live there indefinitely? He is a grown man and should be standing on his own two feed, not his mother's for the last five years. His siblings will get nothing for decades under this arrangement, if they do not predecease him anyway. I don't see why people don't get that.

A lot of sanctimonious twaddle has been talked by those giving the OP a pasting.

Life is not fair. The sooner you realise that, the better!

Also, what seems fair to one person will not seem fair to another. I am sure the mother in this case believes she is being fair by not forcing her son to leave his home.

Seriously, there are more important things in life, like the health of her elderly mother for a start!

YANBU

suggest she gets legal advice and as calmly as you can, ask what happens if you or your dsis' marriage breaks down, can you move in with db?

Life might not be fair, but families usually try to be fair to all of the members of the family.

That's how they stay together.

Writing an obviously unfair will is already tearing this family apart and causing massive bad feeling.

The health of the mother has fuck all to do with this, so saying that should be worried about instead is just silly.

Life is frequently unfair, that much is true. However, it doesn't mean a parent should not try to be fair towards their offspring, whether children or adults.

Agreed JoinYourPlayfellows, philosophers from Aristotle to John Stuart Mill have repeatedly highlighted the need for justice - and fairness - in any cohesive society. To dismiss this very basic concept as 'childish' is misguided in the extreme.

Wills tear so many families apart as resentment cannot be overcome. They should not favour one sibling over others unless for very good reason (livelihood)