AIBU to be fuming over my mums will.

[navada]

My mum lives in a house worth over 700k. I always assumed that on her death the house would be sold & split between me & my 3 siblings. ( I'd never been told otherwise! )
Anyway, about 5 years ago my brother moved back in with my mum when his marriage broke up, it was only supposed to be a temporary measure until he sorted himself out - he never quite got around to sorting himself out & still lives there. I found out a few months ago that my mum has made a will leaving the house to all of us, but with a stipulation that my brother can say in the house for as long as he wants. He's fully intending to take up that offer.

Right now I hate both of them. how bloody unfair!

'Unlucky' Feckless one inherited most when my DPs passed away, it seems common from what I read on here. DPs believe they need it most, spose it assuages guilt or something.

My ex (situation described above) had to sell his own flat to cover his share of IT, but perhaps he was badly advised. His brothers living in the family home had savings to cover those. There was no discussion that the house could be sold to cover IT as ex was told by the family solicitor that his brothers' right to live there for life took precedent unless he had no assets at all.

He is stuck paying a third of all maintenance charges 10 years later and has never been able to afford to buy again.

His parents expressed wish was for all three brothers to live in the house together and tried to force my ex into compliance with this through the will. Obviously, he doesn't want to and his brothers have made that impossible as they won't let him have a key or allow him in the house (bizarrely apparently they don't speak to each other either as they both think the other should move out and both think they should have the house alone).

More importantly, his memories of his parents are completely tarnished by this and the relationship between all three brothers destroyed.

Please speak with your mother OP and explain how the IT and ongoing maintenance could have such an effect on you. Does she believe that your brother will look after you all?

This whole argument smacks of take take take. No one should be looking at their parents to see what they can get.

Does the OP give as much time or energy to her mother as her brother? Does she cook, clean and help with the shopping? Does she provide moral support or help with paperwork? I don't know because what the OP does for her mother hasn't been the issue, what she takes from her mother is the subject of this debate.

As I said up post, my family has been in this position so I'm not coming from an idealistic position.

If its about what will actually happen, at the moment its speculation minus several salient facts, and therefore pointless for anyone to get their knickers in a twist.

It has happened though. A Will has been written that favours the OP's brother over his siblings and the OP has every right to be angry with her mother about it. If I was in the OP's position, that fact that the house may need to be sold anyway etc would be completely irrelevant. The issue would be that my mother intended to favour my sibling over me.

Totally agree with Mintyy.

When my Mum died the house was left to my Brother and I equally.
My Mum, in front of me and my Brother said she hoped we would see her GC helped out financially.
Yes, yes, she could have included it in her will but she trusted us to bung them a few quid.
I haven't heard from my Brother since the house was sold and neither have the GC.
That was in June this year.
Hey Ho.

What an odd comment to make to op, to tell her to fix her relationship with her db. It's obvious the dm is toxic and the db is the favourite dc. The person who caused this is the dm and only she can fix it.

If my parents need all their money for care home fees, or want to spend it living the highlife in their 90s or give it all to the cat's home then that would be fine with me.

If they (in fact or in effect) left it to just one of my siblings and cut out the rest of us, I'd be gutted. Can't see how that could be considered anything but a very clear statement about their feelings.

YANBU

And this example is exactly why is not take take take BeigeBuffet

My ex (situation described above) had to sell his own flat to cover his share of IT . . . There was no discussion that the house could be sold to cover IT as ex was told by the family solicitor that his brothers' right to live there for life took precedent unless he had no assets at all.& He is stuck paying a third of all maintenance charges 10 years later and has never been able to afford to buy again. His parents expressed wish was for all three brothers to live in the house together and tried to force my ex into compliance with this through the will. Obviously, he doesn't want to and his brothers have made that impossible as they won't let him have a key or allow him in the house . . . More importantly, his memories of his parents are completely tarnished by this and the relationship between all three brothers destroyed.

Does this show you and the others who think op is a greedy arse, why this is a bad situation and unfair?

I can see it from the mother's POV; she reckons her son needs that home whereas her daughters are all managing fine. What you inherit isn't about whether you deserve it.

If I were OP, I'd still round up my sisters to go together as a team to speak to the mother about why this is unfair. The inheritance tax problem may persuade her to do something otherwise.

My dad has something similar going on with his siblings (my 89yo grandmother still going but frail!); but the sibling who will remain in the house until she chooses to move really is a close daily carer of gran. Still a bit stressful for some siblings who feel that money would be very useful sooner rather than in 20-30 yrs.

Can you imagine if all inheritance was dealt with like this, as in the one who inherited everything was always whoever could wrangle moving into the house in question a few years before the relative died? Its not inheritance then is it, its possession.

Yanbu. I'm in same situation. Came to light last year after my father died. I haven't spoken to either my mother or brother since. It's not the money - if she left it to charity or blew it all now it wouldn't bother me because that way we'd both get nothing but still be equal. It's the fact we're not equal and in fact over the past year the unfavourable treatment of me growing up and more favourable treatment of him growing up has been put into clarity now. I'm not far off hating both of them myself. I try not to think of them. It was better I removed myself from their lives so I don't have to consider it. It causes problems in families. I lost three people last year in effect - father, mother and brother.

You are not unreasonable to feel hurt at what seems to be favouritism.

YABU to expect your mother to leave anything, but YANBU to expect that if she does want to leave something to provide a better life for her children, that she would want to provide a better life for all her children.

Inheritance is really tricky. Looking at it from a parent point of view, I cannot imagine leaving one child to live rent free for the remainder of his life while not being able to provide the same luxury for other children. I would want any money I leave behind to do some good for all my children.

Except in cases of disability or children who didn't want anything to do with me, or who were likely to do themselves harm with a windfall, I cannot imagine giving one child a clear advantage with regards to everyday living expenses over others.

Personally I would raise inheritance tax to 80% and abolish income tax so that everyone gets to keep every penny they work for and the lucky few who stand to inherit get to have the advantages that come with extra money that they did not earn, but not at the expense of others who will never be as fortunate.

I never understand why people think it's okay to make your will unequal between your children without very good reason.

Clearly all of you are 'entitled' enough to think it's okay to divide siblings and hurt them. It's something I could never do

A lot of older people made their money through luck in a booming property market. It may be their money but they didn't earn it as such.

And sadly in dysfunctional families the will can be used to create drama and hurt.

Ahole, whilst your post mentioned a situation which may have been hard. It still made absolutely no reference to what your ex did for or gave to his parents. It's all expected to be one way- parents must always leave their children with a nice chunk of money for them to inherit, but god forbid that the children must do anything for their parents. It's a take take take attitude. If the op's mother went into care then large chunks of this money would go towards her care. In this instance the brother living at home may mean that he takes on more of the caring responsibilities so that op's mother doesn't have to go into care, but that care is expected to be free. Maybe if op wants a more equal share she should get her mother to move in with her, and be cared for at her home?

mintyy I am in a very similar position and the sister that lives with my mum will get everything , I have a home of my own and I love my sister and my mum so I don't care about the finances of it . My sister works FT and is a 'career woman' ,as my mother is fairly infirm I am in effect a pt carer for her ,I'm over there more or less everyday and my husband does all their DIY and jobs . That's how normal families behave .

BeigeBuffet. That wasn't my example, it was someone elses a few posts above.

I don't believe that inheritance should be proportioned depending on what you get back from you kids. We're supposed to love our children equally, not wait and see how they turn out, what we get back from them, assess each relationship, and then show them how much or how little we love them with how much inheritance we give them compared to their siblings.

And that example wasn't an example of how hard it is, its an example of how the one left out ends up financially fucked as well as destroying relationships between siblings.

If one siblings provideds care then perhaps another way of paying that sibling should be worked out, either at the time or with an extra lump sum in the inheritance, not with giving him everything and his brothers and sisters nothing.

It was my example. Actually my ex was the one who ran around for his parents as he was the only one who drove, taking them on outings, to see their friends, to appointments etc. the brothers sat around like ten year olds waiting for their 87 year old mother to put every meal on the table. However, it's not the point.

He wasn't being greedy. If you read my post, he was and is still upset that they didn't think of his welfare at all and landed him with a financial burden that meant he had to sell his own home and continues to pay for new roof, redecoration, new boler etc on a house he never sets foot in.

Even if he hadn't done anything for his parents, should he have lost his own home over it?

Op --- I do understand where you are coming from
but your DM is STILL alive and on the end of the day , it's her house and her will.
Regardless what she decides to do, respect and live your life without holding the grudge . You can't change situation no matter what outcome will be.
Pls don't let material issues turns you into nasty person.
Look after you DM because once she is gone only things that stay are memories and you don't want them to be touted with negative feelings.

Lambzig. That is so awful!

Brokensoul- I don't think "material issues" are what's making the OP angry. She is unhappy with her mother very strongly favouring her brother over the rest of her siblings. I don't think that she is a "nasty person" to feel that way.

Brokensoul.

I see what you're saying about bad feeling etc.

But i think that the only way she isn't going to have bad feeling because this, when she has evidence of being treated as the least favourite child, is to completely bury her feelings about it and ignore its happening at all. I would imagine that would be very hard to do and not that healthy.

Its probably not a good idea ignoring it also because of the possibility that it could land her in debt paying the inheritance tax and upkeep on the house. So probably should be dealt with now, not waiting until she's financially screwed.

You are NOT being unreasonable.

The 'your mother is free to do what she likes' - yes.

I notice that people on this site are very judgemental on mothers here who confess to showing favour to one child above another when their children are young - it's considered absolutely unacceptable. Why is it acceptable to behave like this to adult children, when you know it causes conflict, bitterness and jealousy, particularly when your children are also having to cope with your loss?

I would be absolutely devastated if my mother did this.

That said, my brother and I have agreed that the primary purpose of my mother's will would be to provide security for our older sister, who we love very much, is single at 52, and living with my mother. I think if my mum left a disproportionate amount of her estate to my sister I would be ok - because my mum knows that my sister is vulnerable, and that db and myself have a home already.

I don't think yabu. He could easily use his share of the inheritance to buy or rent a flat. I think your dm is likely to split your family over this.

Yes it's her will. But it is one that will cause division and upset.

"This is another subject that MN and RL don't converge"

Very true.

That's because mumsnet is achingly middle-class - full of people who think it's not 'naice' to discuss money and inheritance.

Posh people don't have any such scruples, which is why their money often cascades down happily through the generations.

I also don't 'get' this thing of 'spend it all before you go' - which I actually think most people just say to make a point of sounding ungrasping.

The majority of very solvent elderly in this country have made their money in property - through a fluke of fate that has left their children and grandchildren impoverished sometimes, and excluded from home ownership altogether.

Also many of the current generation of elderly - particularly those in public sector jobs - have had 20 to 30 years of retirement on index linked pensions, which has cleaned out the public purse, and will result in their children and grandchildren having to work past 70 for a lower pension.

Seriously - many of this generation of elderly has had in incredibly good. The view that they should spend their legacies as fast as possible on SAGA holidays, 'because they've earned it' - well, not the old people I know, who mostly have had a much better quality of life than most people of my generation, and have often cost the NHS 10 x what they ever paid in in NI and tax over their lifetime, because it's also a generation that doesn't believe in exercise and lives on rich tea biscuits and sherry.

Hi.
Whatever5 I didnt say she is nasty person. What I meant is , let her not become one becouse of the resentment she feels ( I know I would be mad) but to first make sure to know reasons.
Personally, I would be devastated that something like that happens to me with no explanation. Theory should be equal but let op first calms down and checks in indirect way what is going on.
Once she knows then ( in my bealive) shouldn't hold anything negative to prevent her in enjoying her DMs maybe last day/ years of life .