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AIBU?

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Original poster

to have questioned a new book club member?

162 replies

uptheanty · 13/11/2013 11:38

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable?

So i started a new book club and was contacted by a woman that i don't know and haven't met before. She had heard of this new book club through the school and wanted to know if she could join.

I checked her out with a mutual friend that knows her and her response was -- lukewarm to say the least.

Anyway, i put that to one side and invited her to join to see if she would like the group and vice versa.

Lots of members of the group complained about her and commented that she was very combative and self righteous.
Everytime i've bumped into her since then she has been quite rude in regards to my friends, all judgy pants and eye rolls and instructed me what she will and won't tolerate when it comes her turn to host.

We are quite a raucous group but thats why we love it so much.

Today during more eye rolls and self important sentences from the lady in question, I asked her if maybe the book club wasn't for her as she is so vocal with her disapproval.

She started to cry and said that I was insecure and I just felt threatened that she had run a book club for 4 years previously and that I thought she wanted control.Shock

She emailed me to tell me that she will return my book and that she won't be joining the group, that although she found our group wonderful and friendly that I had made it clear to her that she didn't fit in and that she wasn't welcome.

I feel bad that I've hurt her feelings, have I overreacted?

What should I do?

OP posts:
CallMeNancy · 13/11/2013 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 13/11/2013 11:41

What should I do?

Congratulate yourself on a lucky escape Wine

WorraLiberty · 13/11/2013 11:44

I'm not sure (unhelpful I know!)

I think it's the sort of situation where you'd have to be there...to gauge how the others really treated her and how she treated them because everyone sees things differently really.

It sounds as though the group took a very quick dislike to her...do you think the member your spoke to poisoned other people's minds perhaps?

Some groups can be a bit cliquey (even though this might not be the case) and it can take a battering ram to infiltrate them.

But ultimately she doesn't seem to fit in. Whether that's her fault or the rest of the group's fault, that's the bottom line.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/11/2013 11:45

Yes, accept the book back and thank your lucky stars she isn't a member anymore. She sounds quite awful to say the least.

WorraLiberty · 13/11/2013 11:45

*the member you originally spoke to

Mosschops30 · 13/11/2013 11:46

Oh dear I've come across these before.
Lucky escape, accept her resignation and book back
Continue enjoying your book group with other like minded people who don't feel the need to control or manipulate

carabos · 13/11/2013 11:48

Until I was forced to joined a book club, I had no idea that such a seemingly innocuous pastime could be so fraught with politics. Our group is older, but the politics are those of the school gate. The hosting issues, the personality clashes, the incompatible tastes...

Fleta · 13/11/2013 11:49

wow dramatic much?!

Accept, tell her not to bother about the book - wouldn't want her to "pop round"

Enjoy the book club

Botanicbaby · 13/11/2013 11:57

what worraliberty said. absolutely spot on!

I'm in a book club, its v.raucous and doesn't take itself to seriously. however some new joiners have been more serious and earnest, they found another group more compatible to their temperament. I'd hate to think anyone wasn't make welcome and that it was in any way cliquey. book clubs can be a minefield, they are very much horses for courses.

Botanicbaby · 13/11/2013 11:57

too not to!

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 11:59

I feel a bit better from your replies thank you Grin

The issue is that I've gone to great lengths to get quite an eclectic mix of woman. Some work full time no kids, others are sham, others work pt with kids etc. I really wanted to have a no pressure, open and inclusive environment. None of the women knew each other but they all know me.

Unfortunately this one lady was just so arsey and bitchy and really I feel relieved that she won't be at our next meeting.
But…..ahhh just feel a bit Sad that I made her cry.

I suspect now though she'll be baying for my blood, she does seem quite extreme in her behaviours.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/11/2013 12:03

How many times did she attend the club?

CoffeeTea103 · 13/11/2013 12:13

Yanbu, she didn't sound like the right fit for your book club. So it all worked out.

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 12:31

It sounds like every book club I've ever heard or attended tbh, some drama or another is always kicking
off, NEVER underestimate the politics of book clubGrin

Tbh I'd just leave it and let it fizzle out.

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 12:37

It was our FIRST week!!!

Our next meeting was to be tomorrow night….although she's now informed me she won't be attending.

Bloody hell, how bad do these clubs get Confused

Maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew?!

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 13/11/2013 12:58

I think the best book clubs are those that grow 'organically' rather than ones that have been v.choosy about who they let join.

If people are getting something out of it, enjoying it and so on, then they'll be back. It makes for a good book club.

Very often the people that work well in a book club together are not necessarily the ones you'd think (in my experience).

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 12:59

I agree bot.

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 13:09

I think I'll give it a few more meetings and see how it develops. We have a small group but I would be happy to add to it.

I suppose I'm over thinking it - after all i can't single handedly eradicate bitchiness can I? That just makes me controlling.

I'm not looking forward to the book hand over on the school run Blush only one hour before I have to face her…….

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 13:11

Small is better ime, if it's a bigger group people tend to group together to chat and it gets a bit devisive.

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 13:12

So agree on a maximum number and stick to it. It will be s very different group in 6 months time as well so give it time.

Scholes34 · 13/11/2013 13:21

Don't beat yourself up. If the mix of people you have all took a dislike to her, don't worry about it. She's sounds a little manipulative in her reaction. It's not nice to feel you've upset someone, but it sounds like you've nipped this in the bud, so well done. Don't do anything except smile nicely if you see her in the playground or wherever.

YouTheCat · 13/11/2013 13:33

She started crying because you told her you thought the book club wasn't quite for her?

Is she 7?

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 13:37

She's actually a bit scary …..

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/11/2013 13:40

TBH she sounds like a Wendy in the making. That was my very first thought - I don't know what exactly it is in your post but it immediately sprung to mind.

In any case it sounds like you are well rid of her. Grin and bear it re the book handover (why does she have to return the book to you, btw? did she not buy her own copy?)

MarcelineTheVampireQueen · 13/11/2013 13:40

It all sounds quite controlling already, going to painstaking lengths to get the mix you like. If it was your first meet, how do you know it wasn't first week nerves? I make a terrible first impression. Tbh im a grower! But it sounds like ye had made your minds up already.

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