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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have questioned a new book club member?

162 replies

uptheanty · 13/11/2013 11:38

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable?

So i started a new book club and was contacted by a woman that i don't know and haven't met before. She had heard of this new book club through the school and wanted to know if she could join.

I checked her out with a mutual friend that knows her and her response was -- lukewarm to say the least.

Anyway, i put that to one side and invited her to join to see if she would like the group and vice versa.

Lots of members of the group complained about her and commented that she was very combative and self righteous.
Everytime i've bumped into her since then she has been quite rude in regards to my friends, all judgy pants and eye rolls and instructed me what she will and won't tolerate when it comes her turn to host.

We are quite a raucous group but thats why we love it so much.

Today during more eye rolls and self important sentences from the lady in question, I asked her if maybe the book club wasn't for her as she is so vocal with her disapproval.

She started to cry and said that I was insecure and I just felt threatened that she had run a book club for 4 years previously and that I thought she wanted control.Shock

She emailed me to tell me that she will return my book and that she won't be joining the group, that although she found our group wonderful and friendly that I had made it clear to her that she didn't fit in and that she wasn't welcome.

I feel bad that I've hurt her feelings, have I overreacted?

What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 13:51

For the first meeting we all had to bring a book we would recommend and wrap it, everyone choose a book…kind of like an ice breaker.
She got mine.

I do think she is slightly unreasonable and quite indignant.

My biggest problem with her on the night was the day after she was at the school where i work for a coffee morning and she exclaimed " I can't believe you came to work today"?!

A few of us are teachers and we are in a small community, i was immediately Blush that she was somehow insinuating that because I drink wine in the evening when i'm not at work, that i am not in any place to be going to work in the morning.

I felt like she was questioning my professionalism, not to mention it was quite embarrassing as there were others around.

I kind off get the feeling that she's not to be trusted..

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 13:56

marceline

I can see why you think that….it probably is a little controlling on my part to try to foresee who will get along etc

After all conflicts come from where you least expect it sometimes, right?

I suppose my problem is that I have always previously tried to be all inclusive to such an extent that it is not productive for me.

This time, I wanted to have something separate from school, work etc that would provide a welcome diversion from all the usual stuff that happens there. Nothings perfect though!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 13/11/2013 14:03

She started to cry and said that I was insecure and I just felt threatened that she had run a book club for 4 years previously and that I thought she wanted control.

Did you actually know she had run a book club, before she said that? Because if not, there's no reason you should think she wanted to take over. So why say it? Because... that's exactly what she did want? Hmm

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 14:14

Actually annie that was very interesting to me too.

She said " I knew shouldn't have mentioned at the first meeting that I had run a book club for 4 years, I knew it would upset you and make you insecure, that's why you're so threatened that I will take over".

I actually did know she'd run a club previously. When she emailed me to ask if she could join, I emailed a mutual friend to ask about her,
told me she had run a book club for 4 years previously.

It was of no consequence to me and I actually thought her skills would be valuable as I'm a novice.

I only asked someone I knew about her as we hadn't met and I didn't know anything about her at this point…

I agree though, she made that statement, i suspect, defensively, because that was exactly what was on her mind….Shock

Nowt stranger than folk

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 14:14

I'm off…wish me luck…

OP posts:
Shonajoy · 13/11/2013 14:17

The fact she also said "I'm surprised you made it"to work?! Cheeky cow. Lucky escape indeed!

deepfriedsage · 13/11/2013 14:24

Umm, I need to know more. For now it sounds like your ideas of book clubs differ. Your chosen friends are used to your ways she was the only stranger in the situation. Maybe she is lonely and insecure or a Wendy I would need more information. Who gave the lukewarm response? Why did her last book group end?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 13/11/2013 14:36

My first thought was Wendy too.

usuallyright · 13/11/2013 14:41

what's involved with running a book club?

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 16:08

Just got back, she returned my book to me, I thanked her for returning it and said I hope she enjoyed it cuecats bum face..

deep
It's true, she was the only woman there who didn't know me or my ways, but her friend ( the lady who I initially asked for the info on her) was present. So she wasn't alone as such.

A couple of friends who I bumped into at different times over the ensuing weeks, raised their eyebrows and questioned her commandeering nature, privately to me.
She was very vocal and quite demanding within the group and also owns a great big pair of judgy pants that she dusted off at every opportunity.

As the weeks have progressed whenever I have been at school pick up she has pulled me over several times to advise me. Wagging her finger while she tells me that I need to send out reminders and that I need to ensure all attendees bring diaries etc.

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 13/11/2013 16:09

She sounds awful. You are well rid of her.

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 16:10

usually

Not much really, a few women who like books, a place to meet some wine.

And apparently full SWAT team gear and a teflon personality.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 16:15

Wendy?Confused

If you do nothing else OP make sure everyone had a fair crack at choosing a book-we take it in turns each time. Nothing causes more routes ime than people not getting to choose a book at some point!

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 16:15

Rows

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 16:19

val

How many are in your book club? And where do you meet?

OP posts:
Tuhlulah · 13/11/2013 16:23

If you're the one who's insecure -why is she the one who's crying?

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 16:26

We have a cap of ten people as any more makes it difficult to host-we even have a waiting list lol Grin We take it in turns to host but go out at xmas our a couple of times a year. Only a couple of original members now as it's been going 6 years.

We meet every 6 weeks and each bring a dish and have supper together and lots of wine

Number one rule is 'what happens at book club stays at book club'Wink

Hullygully · 13/11/2013 16:28

She is clearly not the ticket, just smile vaguely and ignore non-specifically wth everything she says when you bump into her until she fastens on to someone else.

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 16:32

Or invite her, she'll certainly make things livelyWink Grin

strawberrypenguin · 13/11/2013 16:42

up if you run into problems with who's turn it is to host you could always do what our group do - we always meet in the pub! Grin

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/11/2013 16:58

What exactly will she and won't she tolerate for hosting?

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 17:02

She won't tolerate alcohol or raised voices.

Another member of the group has just called to say she won't be attending, (her friend) before giving me an earful and basically putting the phone down on me Sad

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 13/11/2013 17:10

I'm probably in the minority here but from reading between the lines, seems like there's nothing this woman could have done to ingratiate herself into the group. It's coming across as you and others in the group had taken against her from the start.

I do agree her comment about you making it to work the next day was out of order and as its your book club OP, its your call.

It's never easy making new friends or to attempt to 'join' an established group of friends. Especially in small communities.

Sounds like its not the group for her so she's probably well off out of it tbh. I too would feel bad that I'd made someone cry, although I know you didn't realise she would OP.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 13/11/2013 17:16

What did her friend say? Did it shed any light on things for you?

I always thought I'd love to join a book group. I think I might take up paintballing or something more peaceful after reading this thread.

BadgersRetreat · 13/11/2013 17:21

See...this is why when my friend started one and badgered me incessantly to join i didn't ever, ever go. God what a nightmare especially if there's no wine Grin

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