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AIBU?

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Original poster

to have questioned a new book club member?

162 replies

uptheanty · 13/11/2013 11:38

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable?

So i started a new book club and was contacted by a woman that i don't know and haven't met before. She had heard of this new book club through the school and wanted to know if she could join.

I checked her out with a mutual friend that knows her and her response was -- lukewarm to say the least.

Anyway, i put that to one side and invited her to join to see if she would like the group and vice versa.

Lots of members of the group complained about her and commented that she was very combative and self righteous.
Everytime i've bumped into her since then she has been quite rude in regards to my friends, all judgy pants and eye rolls and instructed me what she will and won't tolerate when it comes her turn to host.

We are quite a raucous group but thats why we love it so much.

Today during more eye rolls and self important sentences from the lady in question, I asked her if maybe the book club wasn't for her as she is so vocal with her disapproval.

She started to cry and said that I was insecure and I just felt threatened that she had run a book club for 4 years previously and that I thought she wanted control.Shock

She emailed me to tell me that she will return my book and that she won't be joining the group, that although she found our group wonderful and friendly that I had made it clear to her that she didn't fit in and that she wasn't welcome.

I feel bad that I've hurt her feelings, have I overreacted?

What should I do?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/11/2013 19:43

"But…..ahhh just feel a bit Sad that I made her cry."
You DID NOT make her cry. She made herself cry, IMO as a well-worn tactic to get what she wanted.

And definitely DO NOT buy her flowers - she definitely sounds the type who would take that as her having "won" and she be push-push-pushing you again.

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 19:52

Thank everyone for your advice Thanks
I have no idea how I coped before MN?!

My problem is, I can initially be quite brave about addressing issues and trying to deal with them.

I knew pretty quickly that the lady in question was going to be a problem and I was confident to deal with it as pleasantly as I could at the time…

It's the aftermath I can't deal with. The bitchiness and the cats bum faces, the gossip all the shit that comes with it. My first instinct is to do whatever I can to make it stop, which kind of invalidates the bravery at the beginning.

I am aware that things would've been worse if I hadn't done this. After only one meeting and a couple of weeks in between, I might lose a friend. Goodness only knows what it would be if it continued.

OP posts:
IamGluezilla · 13/11/2013 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/11/2013 20:23

Hey friend - I just asked her if she really thought it was for her because she spent the whole time rolling her eyes and moaning about it - it's a bit of lighthearted fun and if someone isn't happy there then it loses all the enjoyment. No bad feelings.

Worried3 · 13/11/2013 20:51

OP- This is getting a bit unreasonable. You really can't have expected her to be happy about this whole thing?

You didn't like this woman and didn't want her to be part of your book club, and wanted to communicate that to her without actually saying "please don't come back" outright. You have managed to achieve your objective successfully.

You must have realised that essentially asked to leave (or to have this implied) would be slightly upsetting for all but the most thick-skinned of us (which maybe this woman is, for all I know)- but you decided that this was worth it to get her out of your club. And fair enough, she doesn't sound the easiest of people to get on with and as you set up the club with your friends and only later agreed to allow her to join in, I suppose you all have every right to dis-invite her (by implication or outright).

So having to take an action which was likely to cause upset- even though you were perfectly within your rights to do so- you are now annoyed because she is upset? This seems a bit much. You got her out your club- did you really expect her to be happy about it? That seems unreasonable to me. As does saying she is welcome at the club when you have made it very clear that this is not the case. That's a bit two-faced to me.

If she's not welcome, then have the courage of your convictions and carry on as you planned. Be polite when you see her and leave it at that. Explain to your friend why you took the action you took- that you felt she was being unreasonable/rude etc- and that you hadn't meant to upset her (the mutual friend).

BTW I am sure she is a PITA. I just think you need to admit that you knew this might be upsetting for the woman, but decided that getting her out the club was more important. If I were your mutual friend, your pretending you didn't think she'd be upset and then turing round and saying "well, she's actually welcome" when she's not, would be what was annoying me most.

CoteDAzur · 13/11/2013 21:00

Wendy

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 21:03

Yes worried, I think I agree with you.

Choose the behaviour then accept the consequences.

Really what did I expect. I'm not sure I handled it very well, as another poster suggested I really should have contacted our mutual friend first and perhaps chatted to her.
Although I'm not convinced there would be an easy way to do it or what would happen if i didn't.

I spoke with my friend and we're still friends.
At least that's some damage control.

OP posts:
Worried3 · 13/11/2013 21:13

I'm glad you worked it out with your friend. It's never easy to un-invite people from things, and always ends up with someone being unhappy.

I would just be polite to her in future.

slindile · 13/11/2013 21:36

i don't know - sounds like you handled it pretty well actually. you got rid of her and kept your other friend. you weren't awful, just stated the truth.

just think what having this woman every week would have been like.

carlywurly · 15/11/2013 18:06

Uptheanty, no, my Wendy moved house herself so it wasn't too much of an issue. Had a narrow miss swerve in tesco this week though - she now lives in the city where I work. Smile

Original poster
uptheanty · 15/11/2013 19:24

It's so confusing to deal with someone whose motives you don't understand .... This woman seems to be the gift that keeps giving and I suspect I will be dealing with her for some time.

She's already approached another of my friends to discuss the "situation". L

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 15/11/2013 19:27

Sorry Blush

I suspect it will be a long time until she lets this go.

I'm almost 100% convinced she's a definite Wendy.

Glad yours moved carly, I'll just have to lay low for a while and hope she gets bored,

OP posts:
Back2Two · 15/11/2013 19:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

SueDoku · 15/11/2013 20:14

Oh blimey 'the situation' (said in a lowered voice and with a head-tilt...) She's a Wendy - and will probably try this tack with each member of the group in the hope of eventually running her own book group -- with you firmly outside in the cold where she knows that you belong... Hmm

When's your next meeting? Hopefully soon, so that you can all have a drink and a laugh together (do NOT mention her - and if someone else does change the subject) and remember why you enjoy each other's company.

Viviennemary · 15/11/2013 20:18

There's not a lot you can do about this now. I was in a book club for a while and they all got on my nerves so much I wonder why I ever stuck it. They can be a bit of a pain.

Original poster
uptheanty · 15/11/2013 20:19

Obviously ( or maybe not!) back I don't refer to anyone that way in RL.
I haven't given her a name on here and haven't really found a comfortable way to refer to her that didn't sound mean- such as She or her etc.

I also agree, I should have given it much more thought. I heard she was "difficult" but I thought that meant opinionated and passionate, who wants to get together with a group of people who all think and act the same??
Certainly not me, or my friends.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, she was quite disrespectful, mean and a little sanctimonious. With a big dollop of judgey pants thrown in Sad

I made a mistake and I suspect I'll be dealing with the fall out for quite some time.

I'm not really sure what else I can do at this point?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 15/11/2013 20:22

Sounds as if she'd fit in really well with the book club I was in. Grin There was a few nice people in it but the pains just took over and a couple of people left then I did too.

choccyp1g · 15/11/2013 20:37

You know what's wierd though? The "pains" are less tolerant of each other than "we" are of them.

I used to go to a craft group where the idea was that we actually learnt and produced something in a friendly atmosphere. We were paying for an expert to teach us.

One or two new people joined and treated it more like a gossip session, which was bad enough, but the only topic was themselves, and they really did talk too much. Guess who got the most annoyed and stropped and talked over them in an even more self-indulgent monologue?

The one who always used to talk too much about herself but was now finding it hard to get a word in.

Not sure why I felt the need to share this, but I gave up the craft group and still feel bitter that it was completely spoiled for me by a handful of loud-mouths.

Original poster
uptheanty · 15/11/2013 21:00

I'm glad you shared choccy and I suspect I know why you did. If I could be do bold Blush

I and some others... Just feel tired of being held at ransome by others.

There appears to be a certain kind if person who is unable to be part of a group or democracy and wants to be the supreme being!!

It makes it almost impossible to take pleasure in things... Power is such a huge motivater for some people. It's not enough to be part if something.

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 15/11/2013 21:01

Ransom*

OP posts:
choccyp1g · 15/11/2013 21:17

Thanks for the understanding uptheanty

Really feel for your situation, but there's not a lot you can do now.

mitchsta · 15/11/2013 21:22

Thank your lucky stars. She sounds like a right knob.

Original poster
uptheanty · 15/11/2013 21:23

I'll suck it up and keep my head down until someone else offends her I imagine, but I do despair.

Why can't people just not be Twunts?

Just be feckin nice and then we'll all be happy ??

OP posts:
MintyChops · 15/11/2013 21:34

It sounds like she is going to cause you more problems if she managed to get your mutual friend to be so upset with you and wants to discuss it with another. She may well try to set up a rival book club as has been suggested. When is your next book club meeting? How was she when you saw her at school today?

AmberLeaf · 15/11/2013 21:36

I agree with Worried3

You met her just once and then sent her an email that most people would have interpreted as being a shove off.

Seems like your opinion on her was swayed by the 'lukewarm' thing from the mutual friend.

She didn't have a chance really did she?