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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have questioned a new book club member?

162 replies

uptheanty · 13/11/2013 11:38

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable?

So i started a new book club and was contacted by a woman that i don't know and haven't met before. She had heard of this new book club through the school and wanted to know if she could join.

I checked her out with a mutual friend that knows her and her response was -- lukewarm to say the least.

Anyway, i put that to one side and invited her to join to see if she would like the group and vice versa.

Lots of members of the group complained about her and commented that she was very combative and self righteous.
Everytime i've bumped into her since then she has been quite rude in regards to my friends, all judgy pants and eye rolls and instructed me what she will and won't tolerate when it comes her turn to host.

We are quite a raucous group but thats why we love it so much.

Today during more eye rolls and self important sentences from the lady in question, I asked her if maybe the book club wasn't for her as she is so vocal with her disapproval.

She started to cry and said that I was insecure and I just felt threatened that she had run a book club for 4 years previously and that I thought she wanted control.Shock

She emailed me to tell me that she will return my book and that she won't be joining the group, that although she found our group wonderful and friendly that I had made it clear to her that she didn't fit in and that she wasn't welcome.

I feel bad that I've hurt her feelings, have I overreacted?

What should I do?

OP posts:
MrsLouisTheroux · 13/11/2013 18:24

Thing is, the book club should be invitation only or open to anyone. Sounds like you are not keen on this woman yourself and she has picked up on it because of what you said to her. She sounds dramatic though and I hope it hasn't spoilt everything. How many other people are intending to come/ are members?

honeybeeridiculous · 13/11/2013 18:25

Was it Katie Hopkins? Grin

lottiegarbanzo · 13/11/2013 18:32

What a drama queen. Just step away. If you do anything at all, she'll use it as fuel and go off again.

It will get easier as your group establishes itself. It will develop a group personality, then anyone new will be able to try it out and decide whether it's the group for them or not, without it feeling like anyone is pushing them away personally.

I'm in a group in which no-one knew each other to start with and people have come and gone over time but the group definitely has a fairly consistent personality and way of doing things. People come along, some stay, some go, it's good.

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 18:35

It's a new book club, so we're only just starting out. There were 8 of us, which I thought might be just enough as we meet in each others houses.

We are now down to 6. Although i'm inclined to leave it at that for at least 3 or 4 months until we get to know each other, what do you all think?

honey That is exactly who she acts like, all sneers and smirky smiles.

I know what you are all saying and I agree, if she didn't want to come she just wouldn't an adult doesn't need another adult to question them. My actions made it clearer than I intentionally meant to IYSWIM.

The final straw was on bonfire night, she was at an organised display we attended on Sunday. I didn't see her as I was sat with a group of friends our dd were playing around and ( mutual friends dh who we know well) came over to us and aid, (i've been asked to come over and let you know that your children are near the pier. She wanted me to go and tell the children but i felt it was more appropriate to tell the adults. So i've done my bit, then he put his hands in the air.

And we look around and their she is Mrs Katie Hopkins, big judgy pants pulled right up gleaming in the knowledge that our parenting is shit and we need continual monitoring.

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 13/11/2013 18:46

Sounds like you're well rid tbh. A definite Wendy in the making.

Do not buy her flowers.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/11/2013 18:49

If you bought her flowers I am willing to bet she would be life threateningly allergic to them.....

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 18:49

Oh for the love of Pete will someone explain what Wendy means please?!Grin

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/11/2013 18:51

I think "Wendy" is now an unacceptable word. It has been updated with bitchwedge I think....

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/11/2013 18:53

Valium - sorry that may not make it any clearer.

A new friend who you invite along to your group of friends who proceeds to get you kicked out of the group.

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 18:53

A wendy is someone who enters your friendship group and then steals all your friends and excludes you.

I learned this on Mumsnet along with lots of other valuable stuff. Please correct me if I'm wrong? And also why Wendy?

I also learned cats bum face
Twunt
An almost hysterical flagrant use of the word C--nt

Oh and that guy from Sparkelbox is a convicted peadophile Angry
We use that at school Shock Though not from tomorrow

OP posts:
carlywurly · 13/11/2013 18:57

Ha ha we had one of these at our book club and her actual name was Wendy..! We had to pretend to dissolve the club to get her out, then restarted it minus her and the woman who recommended her.
Bloody palaver. Smile

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 18:58

carly

How on earth did you get away with that?

Did you all move house?

OP posts:
UniS · 13/11/2013 18:59

why wendy ? - think of Peter Pan, Wendy goes to neverland with peter then eventually leaves neverland with the lost boys in tow.

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 19:01

Ahhh of course. Mumsnet is a wealth of information.Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 19:04

Our mutual friend has just texted me saying she wants to talk.

She's obviously calmed down, hopefully.
How do i get out of this productively?

Thank god I don't have many days off. I've spent most of the morning pissing in the wind and all afternoon and evening trying to get advice off Mumsnet on how to clean it up?

OP posts:
maypoledancer · 13/11/2013 19:10

I set up a book group about 8 years ago. Everyone takes turns to host, and to choose the book (which can be anything they like).

It worked really well, over time there were a few changes in members but the nucleus has stayed the same. There was always a discussion before inviting anyone new.

Then one member invited another woman who lives locally. She's a successful lawyer. She's also a single mother (nothing wrong with that I'm one myself) whose raison d'etre is shit stirring. She mixes with couples and isn't averse to taking a punt at the odd husband or two.

She's also very opinionated and a snob.

This invitation was met with horror by most of the group and the instigator admitted that she had regretted it immediately.

At the second meeting, this bitch turned up with someone SHE had invited to join, without having mentioned it to anyone else. This second woman is amazingly dull, also a thumping snob who likes showing off about how much her sons are earning etc. Beyond that she doesn't have a personality.

At this second meeting, 'the bitch' sent an email round saying she thought we should read the Richard and Judy choices so we were reading something 'contemporary' that she could talk about with other people who would be reading it.

This suggestion was ignored quietly. If it ain't broke, don't fix it and for the past seven years everyone had enjoyed reading a really diverse mix of books, some biography, some classics, some modern fiction etc. No one was keen to buy airport novels sold in huge piles at Tescos.

But tbh, the book will never be the same and lots of us are sad about it. The new members want to talk about the book mostly, don't want to get a bit pissed and move on to other subjects. It's a killer and the group is so much more enjoyable if they aren't there. And they are such a double act that if one doesn't come, nor does the other.

It's really annoying and sad.

Sorry about the essay. I have two pieces of advice for you. First, no way should you let this woman be part of the group. Do not mourn the other person who dropped out because they sound like a drama queen as well. And I would say better to have more than six in the group, people are so busy that with the best will in the world not everyone can make every meeting. If the group is any good and people get on, you will inevitably move on to talking about other things. And if people don't know each other that well you need enough people that no one gets stuck with one person who they might find a bit tedious, sitting there wishing they were talking to others.

maypoledancer · 13/11/2013 19:13

x-posted OP.

You tell her the truth about why you 'sacked' the other woman, you make clear she invited herself, you say it wasn't personal but that you want the group to work and develop and it doesn't if it's dominated by anyone in particular.

This has definitely been my experience; I often can't go to the group I set up but if I don't, I often hear reports about how it was all 'ruined' by the woman I have described and her dull sidekick.

Stick to your guns.

maypoledancer · 13/11/2013 19:14

*the group will never be the same

IamGluezilla · 13/11/2013 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MooncupGoddess · 13/11/2013 19:21

I think in your position, OP, I'd be quite bland and a little baffled by the way events have developed. Explain that X said XYZ things and it sounded like she just didn't want to be a member of the type of book club the rest of you envisaged. You don't want to be exclusive at all, you just don't quite see how she'd fit in given her objections to alcohol, raised voices etc.

Don't ramble, just keep repeating the things X has said to you and leave spaces in the conversation for your friend to reply.

maypoledancer · 13/11/2013 19:21

Oh and OP, you said in your OP that you 'invited her to join'. Er, you didn't, she invited herself. And that's rude and a red flag - it's someone who wants to dominate and impose themself before you've even started.

YouTheCat · 13/11/2013 19:21

I never knew that about SparkleBox! Shock

And I was going to download some phase 5 dominoes for my phonics group.

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 19:23

I used to read Judy Blume but can't remember the Wendy reference.

CoteDAzur · 13/11/2013 19:28

No, Wendy is a reference to an old thread on MN where OP was being jerked around by one drama queen woman, the self-appointed "leader" of the group. She was lying about OP to other friends, organising nights out and not inviting OP etc.

OP started off "I have a friend, let's call her Wendy..." and everyone added their experience with "I have a Wendy, too!"

Botanicbaby · 13/11/2013 19:34

as PP said, it should be clear whether the book club is open to anyone or by invitation only.

you said she heard about it through the school so I don't see anything sinister in her asking you if she could join. I wouldn't think she was 'trying to take over' as someone said up thread. She's probably just trying to expand her circle of friends/social life/horizons.

maybe she should take up paint balling, less painful & no drama Grin