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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have questioned a new book club member?

162 replies

uptheanty · 13/11/2013 11:38

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable?

So i started a new book club and was contacted by a woman that i don't know and haven't met before. She had heard of this new book club through the school and wanted to know if she could join.

I checked her out with a mutual friend that knows her and her response was -- lukewarm to say the least.

Anyway, i put that to one side and invited her to join to see if she would like the group and vice versa.

Lots of members of the group complained about her and commented that she was very combative and self righteous.
Everytime i've bumped into her since then she has been quite rude in regards to my friends, all judgy pants and eye rolls and instructed me what she will and won't tolerate when it comes her turn to host.

We are quite a raucous group but thats why we love it so much.

Today during more eye rolls and self important sentences from the lady in question, I asked her if maybe the book club wasn't for her as she is so vocal with her disapproval.

She started to cry and said that I was insecure and I just felt threatened that she had run a book club for 4 years previously and that I thought she wanted control.Shock

She emailed me to tell me that she will return my book and that she won't be joining the group, that although she found our group wonderful and friendly that I had made it clear to her that she didn't fit in and that she wasn't welcome.

I feel bad that I've hurt her feelings, have I overreacted?

What should I do?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 17:21

Tbh I'm not sure I'd have suggested book club wasn't for her,ime it's best for people to work these things out for themselves.

Worried3 · 13/11/2013 17:23

I'm confused- is the "friend" who gave you a "lukewarm" response when you enquired about her the same one who has now called to say she won't be coming?

If so, I think that's a bit odd.

How many meetings did she attend? Maybe she was just nervous. To be fair, she could be a nightmare who you're all best off without, but it's hard to say from what you've said- although admittedly her "not tolerating" list does seem a little extreme. Could it be she's a normal, and therefore fallible, person who you (and some of your friends, clearly) just don't get on with? Doesn't make her a bad person, just different to you.

You do seem a little over organised- trying to get an "electic mix" etc sounds a tad OTT. I wonder if this eagerness to get it "just right" made you a bit quick to chuck her out of your group.

Also, I do wonder if you have been a bit harsh. I would probably be really upset if someone basically said I didn't fit in and you'd all rather I didn't join in (as I doubt I would have thought/realised I'd annoyed/upset everyone. If I had, I probably wouldn't act that wayy- I imagine she's unaware of it). I probably wouldn't have cried in front of you though. Clearly, she didn't fit in, but it's never nice to have this pointed out. I'd be a little upset if someone else did this to a friend of mine, even if I thought she'd been a bit unreasonable- so I understand your mutual friends reaction. Maybe it would have been better to discuss it with the mutual friend first, so she was prepared?

However, it's done now, so best to just be polite when you see her- and perhaps try to build bridges with your mutual friend?

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 17:24

Her friend said she was very upset and that she couldn't understand what she did wrong. She was very cross and defensive of her friend and said…I have to go etc and put the phone down.

I texted her and asked when would be a convenient time for me to call her back and i've called her once but she's ignored the call…(or she's busy)!

Bloody hell..what should i do????

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 17:28

For the sake of good relations if you have to see this person at school every day I'd take her a bunch of flowers and say sorry you upset her and she'd be more than welcome if she wanted to come. IF she's as hard work as you think she is she'll probably bow out after a couple of times hopefully

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 17:29

The friend who is defending her is the friend who gave her a lukewarm response to me. I am a little surprised that she is upset, but at the end of the day I suppose she can say and none else can?

Maybe I was so quick, but again, she is really hard work and very negative, my need to avoid any drama has in fact created more for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 17:30

Now I have to buy her flowers…FFS… Really, so IABU????

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 13/11/2013 17:31

Do nothing. Step away from it all with Wine and Cake. Don't mention the issue again to the friend unless she raises it.

I honestly don't think you've done anything wrong here.

Hullygully · 13/11/2013 17:37

DO NOT BUY HER FLOWERS OR APOLOGISE

Just stay pleasant but distant or she'll be back in and everyone else will leave.

With the other friend, just stay pleasant and wait for her to get over it. Stress that you did and said nothing.

strawberrypenguin · 13/11/2013 17:37

No I wouldn't as other have said she sounds like she wouldn't fit with the group anyway. Book groups are supposed to be fun! And whoever heard of a book group with no alcohol!

Worried3 · 13/11/2013 17:37

As I said above, it does sound like you have been a bit unreasonable. She also sounds like she was unreasonable- especially regarding what she said to you in front of colleagues. But what's done is done, so you'll just have to try to make the best of a bad situation.

I'd leave your friend to get back to you- perhaps she is busy. Or maybe she just needs space to calm down. Then explain why you did what you did, and that you genuinely didn't mean to upset her friend. I'm sure she'll be a bit cross, but she'll come round.

Of course, you were entitled to ask her to leave the group if she was rude or offensive, or even if you all agreed she'd rather she wasn't part of the group any more. Clearly, some members of the group intimated this to you- but I think it could have been better handles by discussing your intentions to your mutual friend who might have been able to have a word re changing behaviour before asking her to leave? She might then have left of her own accord.

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 17:43

I didn't ask her to leave!

I asked her if she enjoyed the group as she had been quite critical and that she shouldn't feel pressure to attend if she didn't enjoy it!!

When she cried and accused me of being "threatened" by her I wasn't sure what to do, but after that I sent her an email saying that she was VERY welcome in the group now or in the future because I felt guilty for upsetting her.

I just seem to be eating a big shit sandwich today…

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 17:48

I'd buy her flowers just in case I'd inadvertently upset her. I'm all for good relations though with people I need to see every day. IF she is still snotty then I'd do as others have said and back right off and leave her to it.

MooncupGoddess · 13/11/2013 17:51

Oh God don't buy flowers, it's a massive sign of weakness. She's behaved badly and you've responded perfectly politely and sensibly.

Don't get drawn in further. Polite but slightly distant, as Hully says.

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 17:53

Sign of weakness to try and smooth things over?Confused

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 17:58

I'm all for smoothing things over..but I'm with moon on this, for a certain type of people this is an indication that "she's won".

I think she might be a bit of a bully, goodness knows what she's said to our mutual friend.

I sent her (mutual friend) a very nice txt saying that I didn't want us to fall out and that I wanted us to come to a resolution with a Feckin heart FFS…still nothing.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 13/11/2013 18:04

Congratulate yourself on a lucky escape. Our book club of close friends has been all but ruined thanks to a drama queen with a love for chick-lit. She is loud, ignorant, and obviously doesn't read much and certainly nothing of any intellectual worth. And she Just Won't Leave. Angry

Worried3 · 13/11/2013 18:12

Don't ask her to come back if you don't want her there. It will just make matters worse. I wouldn't buy her flowers either, it comes across as a bit two faced and is unnecessary. I'd just be polite when you see her next. And just explain to your friend what happened and that you didn't mean to upset anyone. I'm sure she'll be a bit peeved on her friends behalf, but will get over it soon enough.

However, I have to say that I would have taken it as "please don't come again" if you'd said "are you sure you enjoy it? Please don't feel you have to come if you don't" (or words to that effect). What you said definitely implies you'd rather she didn't come. Let's face it, most adults realise that if we don't enjoy something we can (politely) bow out if we want to.

It is also pretty clear that you'd rather she didn't come- the problem with these conversations is that even if we don't mean it to, our real feelings/intentions tend to be quite obvious. I'm sure you weren't especially rude or nasty about it, and really didn't mean to upset her, but she probably picked up on your true feelings. And although you've said she's welcome, you really don't mean it- and I'm that is probably quite clear to her too.

Not that I think her behaviour was exemplary either- what she said to you in front of colleagues was not on. She also seems a bit inflexible re what she would "tolerate" and also clearly she didn't fit in. Her reaction was a bit OTT- I wouldn't have cried and told you that you must feel threatened etc. However, possibly it was her way of saving face?

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 18:13

There's always one CoteGrin

OP,I didn't realise you'd texted, you've done your bit then, although you run the risk of her telling people that she didn't get it when she re hashes this to anyone who still listenWink

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 18:14

While i'm pissed off that my day off is filled with feeling crap and wondering what the f to do about it.

I also feel that really this just validates my first instinct which was that she is just not a nice person.

But i'm still Sad

OP posts:
TwelveLeggedWalk · 13/11/2013 18:15

Where ARE all these raucous book groups?!?

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 18:16

We have a vacancy? Well 2 actually……….

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 18:19

Ha ha haGrin

valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 18:20

We are raucous, in fact ds does very funny impression of us all laughingBlush Grin

Original poster
uptheanty · 13/11/2013 18:21

My dd calls it booze club Blush

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/11/2013 18:24

LolGrin ds also has to sleep in our bed as it's on the other side of the house and is quieter, we keep him up if he sleeps in his room

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