to have questioned a new book club member?

[uptheanty]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable?

So i started a new book club and was contacted by a woman that i don't know and haven't met before. She had heard of this new book club through the school and wanted to know if she could join.

I checked her out with a mutual friend that knows her and her response was -- lukewarm to say the least.

Anyway, i put that to one side and invited her to join to see if she would like the group and vice versa.

Lots of members of the group complained about her and commented that she was very combative and self righteous.
Everytime i've bumped into her since then she has been quite rude in regards to my friends, all judgy pants and eye rolls and instructed me what she will and won't tolerate when it comes her turn to host.

We are quite a raucous group but thats why we love it so much.

Today during more eye rolls and self important sentences from the lady in question, I asked her if maybe the book club wasn't for her as she is so vocal with her disapproval.

She started to cry and said that I was insecure and I just felt threatened that she had run a book club for 4 years previously and that I thought she wanted control.

She emailed me to tell me that she will return my book and that she won't be joining the group, that although she found our group wonderful and friendly that I had made it clear to her that she didn't fit in and that she wasn't welcome.

I feel bad that I've hurt her feelings, have I overreacted?

What should I do?

I work so am not always at pick up, which is why she approached my friend today.

I anticipate further reprocutions , from what I understand its almost inevitable.

I'd be happy if she set up a rival book club , then she'd be busy and wouldn't give me a thought.

Well, perhaps a rival book club would keep her busy alright! Hope she doesn't cause you too much trouble. What are you all reading for the next meeting (always appreciate a recommendation....)

Fucking hell, she sounds like a blardy nightmare.

OP, you met her once, she was a judgy, sanctimonious, combative nightmare and other members of your book club complained yes?

Then don't fret yourself another minute about her. This is about a book club that is supposed to be "fun" - she does NOT sound "fun" - she sounds like she would drain the life out of that book club like a soul sucking vampire demon.

You didn't make her cry - you think someone as opinionated, bossy or self-righteous as her would be reduced to genuine tears by someone she's only just met? I highly doubt it. She's playing the game. If she starts trying to round up your friends to discuss, approach her directly and call her on it. Say her attitude to the book club isn't one that you and the other members appreciate. Be blunt. She's allowed to be, so why not you?

And for the love of fuck don't give her flowers! I don't agree with killing with kindness or smoothing things over when you've done nothing wrong - fuck that! She's the one making waves and it's up to everyone else to pacify them? Errr no.

Find your bravery and keep it in place with pride!

amber
Not that I'm in a position to give anyone a chance, I certainly don't put myself out there as the moral compass by which anyone should live.
I didn't drop her as a friend gave me a lukewarm response..I know this thread is long and it's easy to miss info..
She contacted me asking to join the book club and i spoke to a mutual friend we have asking what she was like, the mutual friends response was lukewarm. I felt like i shouldn't pass judgement based on anthers opinion and responded asking her if she would like to try it ou.
It was her behaviour during and afterwards that made me come to the conclusion that it wasn't going to work

minty

We had our meeting on Thursday, it wasn't mentioned as nobody really batted an eye as not everyone was expecting to attend. I want to try and keep the drama to a minimum to give the book club a chance to succeed, most of us just don't want to deal with this crap right?

We won't have meeting in December as we're planning a night out instead, so our next meeting will be in mid January.

We have chosen 2 books,

How to be a woman by Caitlin Moran &

The Shack by Wm Paul Young.

I got an email this morning from the woman and she asked me to get a book of hers from another member.

She asked me to give it to my dd to give to her dd at school.

So first 1 friend, then another and now our dc

What did 'lukewarm' friend actually say when you spoke to her?

Email her back and say 'Sorry, that's not convenient'.

'The Shack'? Oh god... literally.

I'm amazed you host it in your houses. Mine, which has men in too, meets at a wine bar. It never occurred to us to host it.

Mutual friend said" _ is alright…a lot of people don't like her…but she's alright"….meh…

When I probed further mutual friend said she was quite opinionated.

I don't find opinionated an issue, surely it takes all sorts and it could make things interesting.

From what I can now take from a conversation I had with mutual friend, mutual friend has been having lots of marriage problems (I've known this for a while), it seems she's been confiding in _ for a while.
I actually think she's quite afraid to upset her should she blab…

Like another poster said, I should have talked to mutual friend first, I think I've inadvertently put her in awkward situation.

lancelottie I know and i'm an atheist, but some others thought it might be quite challenging and lead to interesting discussions. I read it last year and found it quite difficult so i'm hoping i can get stuck in this time.
That's also why we choose Caitlin as the accompanying book, to lighten up the Christmas reading!

caitlin Our January meeting is in a bar

I feel a bit sorry for her, your book group sounds quite hard work, vetting members, trying to get the perfect mix.

I also think groups of teachers can be a cliquey nightmare, especially if you are not a teacher - maybe she just tried to hard to be noticed the first time, realized her error and went home frustrated with herself. She then had an email from you saying after spending an hour in your company I have decided you are not likeable/ witty/ nice enough for our group.

philoslothy

I can see this thread taking a sinister turn as people don't read the whole thread and accuse me of things I haven't done.
I didn't send her an e mail saying any of the things you listed.
She herself had been quite vocal in her criticisms of me and others in the group repeatedly over the 3 week period between meetings, so when she pulled me to the side to advise me of her latest opinion and recommend what I should do…I said nothing as other people were around.
I sent her an email to ask her if she was enjoying the group and to ask if we could meet up for a quick chat.

We are not all teachers only 2, the others are all completely almost opposites!

I apologize , you said a few of us our teachers, I misread that .

I am projecting I am part of a book group, there are about twelve of us and between 1/2 to 2/3 are teachers and we do tend to dominate. We are also all quite strong characters, therefore when we have had a new member they often feel like they also have to be quite a strong personality which can lead to a few crossed wires or people feeling a bit put out.

I just find it odd that you vet members or get a second opinion on them.

I am not saying that you said those things in the email, but that is how it could be read by someone who is already beating themselves up about getting it wrong.

I know I come across as standoffish when peoples first meet me, so sometime I try to overcompensate - and come across as over bearing. I could totally imagine myself managing to offend people and then being crushed by the reponse.

She then had an email from you saying after spending an hour in your company I have decided you are not likeable/ witty/ nice enough for our group.

Philoslothy , where exactly did you read that?

x post.

philoslothy

I don't vet! It's a new book club I've just started before realising how much hassle it would be and the woman contacted me through email. I didn't know her or had ever met or seen her before, which is why I asked someone if they knew her.

Sorry she emailed you, you questioned whether the bookclub was for her. he just strikes me as very insecure and she will have read your comment as " we don't want you, you are not nice enough/ witty enough etc.

Often the people we find the most difficult are the most insecure and just want to be accepted.

I am not denying she is hard work, I am not saying that you are being deliberately mean. I can just empathize with her and feel sorry for her.mI am always getting things wrong because I am trying to hard to get it right.

The issue is that I've gone to great lengths to get quite an eclectic mix of woman. Some work full time no kids, others are sham, others work pt with kids etc. I really wanted to have a no pressure, open and inclusive environment. None of the women knew each other but they all know me.

This just seems a bit odd, why not let it just develop.

Life is too short to waste time on someone who is so unpleasant.

philoslothy

You seem determined to pin some sort of oddness on me, please feel free!

I suppose "great lengths" is an exaggeration on my part, I just included a group of women from different parts of my life with an interest in books and getting along with others.

Sorry, am not sure what happened with my typing there

I wouldn't be happy about your child being dragged into this handing over the book, email back and say no.

She sounds like a drama llama, you've dodged a bullet there.

….oh and if you go through every post I've made with a view to finding contradictions and evidence of oddity and foul play on my part , you will find it.

I can be the best person in the world with the best will in the world but if you only look for the negative then that's all you'll find.