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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find a SAHM with nanny a bit much?

268 replies

lill72 · 12/11/2013 09:16

I know a mum that has 2 DC. One is at school, one at nursery at least 3 mornings a week, with a nanny every afternoon. The nanny/housekeeper also does a few nights a week and then has a teacher on the weekend to do activities with as well as nanny one night. The mum spends hardly any time with the children, as she i never there when the nanny is, even though she is a SAHM.

Although some days I would love some more time on my own, I just find this amount of time away from your children is sort of odd, when you are able to spend it with them. Aren't these time precious?

By the way, I am not saying anything against working mums, only that if you have the chance/choice to be with your kids, shouldn't you make a bit more of it?

love to hear your thoughts?

OP posts:
ZeroTolerance · 12/11/2013 18:22

HappyMummy, I'm a SAHM and I have a cleaner - what's wrong with that? We can afford it, why not outsource it? Same way I don't cook all my own meals, sometimes I eat out.

Aquariusgirl86 · 12/11/2013 18:22

Thinking about it more, my mum doesn't like small children, we were all planned but she said she wanted older children and really didn't enjoy the baby toddler stage, she's a great mum though. If a mum really dislikes the stage and it makes them really unhappy then they won't be a fun maybe it's best to have a nanny who does enjoy it. It wouldn't be for me though I love the baby toddler stage Grin

Capriccioso · 12/11/2013 18:28

N.O.Y.B., op. why do you even care? I'm a sahm with 4dcs and had a pt nanny for years when they were younger. We could afford it. So what? I used to leave the then baby or toddler in the afternoons so I could do school run, lifts to activities etc with the older one(s), and get to chat to them without dealing with a bored/tired little one at the same time. And shoot me now, HappyMummy. I sometimes used to have some time ALONE too, while the slave nanny looked after dc4 during the school day. They're older now and I don't need a nanny. But my wonderful cleaner is a treasure...

MerylStrop · 12/11/2013 18:29

HappyMummy likes to wind people up with her surrendered wife/1950s housewife sanctimony

Which is a shame because she actually maybe had a bit of a point in the second part of her post.

TheIggorcist · 12/11/2013 18:31

I wouldn't like having another adult around a lot of the time to watch me mumsnetting/singing/watchingbalamory.

Original poster
lill72 · 12/11/2013 18:32

I would love extra help and this I am envious of. Yes of course, a part-time nanny and housekeeper would be AMAZING.

BUT I am not jealous of this mum, as I think she is in an enviable position of being free basically all day, every day to do as she wants and she hardly chooses to spend it with her children. From what I can gather, there is time spent redecorating, shopping etc, etc. She is pretty much never there when the nanny is - leaving as soon as she arrives. The school aged child is never around during the school holiday days, but off at various holiday activities. This mum is not using the time to play more with DC.

Whilst my DC drives me around the twist sometimes/most of the time, I am so grateful that I have been fortunate to be able to be at home looking after and spending precious moments with her. We get out and about lots and we have a good social network with friends and activities. I will look back and cherish this, as DC will be in school soon.

I think the weekend nanny etc on top of the nanny during the week is the thing that really irks me. There is not one day that the family have just to themselves, when they very easily could.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 12/11/2013 18:32

No, I don't think she had a point in any part of her post.

morethanpotatoprints · 12/11/2013 18:34

Wow, lucky woman.
I don't see it as any different to somebody working and using childcare. What does it matter that she is a sahm.

Bowlersarm · 12/11/2013 18:41

Nice one happymummy. You got a few posters bristling as was your aim.

If they can afford it, good on them. They are doing what works well for the family therefore everyone is happy. No shame in that.

Tryharder · 12/11/2013 18:58

Clearly, she and/or her DH are wealthy.

I don't think the 'rules' apply to those with money.

I am sure she also has a cleaner/housekeeper, a gardener, and a personal trainer.

I know someone who is married to a very high earner (think CEO of international company)

She has 4 children and does fuck all. She goes for lunch, shops and goes to the gym every day. She has a very nice life. I am jealous.

Booboostoo · 12/11/2013 19:12

Lilacroses it is good fun for DD although we have to be careful to keep her away from the horses!
Yes I suppose it is a bit different although how would OP know exactly how long the woman spent with her nanny and children? I would imagine also that there might be some people who do not to work for financial reasons but chose to do so because they prefer some time away from their children, so that would be similar wouldn't it?

Mummyoftheyear · 12/11/2013 19:15

Her life.
Her business.

morethanpotatoprints · 12/11/2013 19:28

Happymummy

Who looks after your kids when you are doing your volunteering, it isn't making you money, which according to you is the only time somebody should have childcare. Glass houses?

woodlandwanderwoman · 12/11/2013 19:30

I'm sure if she was unhappy or didnt think it was the best thing for her DC she would change something. Since you're not best placed to say what is right for her family then YABU.

I think you will also find that many mums, Sahm or otherwise also have a significant amount of unpaid help, especially from GP. She may not have that available to her, no one seems to judge that as being a luxury?

I am a Sahm but have a cleaner twice a week and send my 18mo DS to nursery a couple of days. I have the GP here regularly but more as guests than as help.

Each to their own.

Thisvehicleisreversing · 12/11/2013 19:40

A friend of mine was a nanny to a little boy. His mum didn't work but was out all day one day so my friend did everything needed that day. Up, dressed, breakfast, play, dinner, tea etc.

That day there was a problem with the hot water so my friend couldn't bath the boy until a plumber could sort it. It was finally fixed and back on that evening. As the mum got home my friend told her that she hadn't been able to bath the little boy as the water had only just come on.

The mum apparently screamed at my friend in front of her son that it was not her job to bath him, who did she think she was asking her to do something so disgusting Shock

My friend left and never looked back.

I often wonder why some people have children. Sad

scottishmummy · 12/11/2013 19:41

The mum can get can get the nanny to tell her all about the precious moments
I'd task said nanny to photoshop my dc catching tadpoles in a jar

I like nursery telling me all the precious stuff undertaken whilst I was at work

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 12/11/2013 19:44

Hello SM, WE MISSED YOU.

Grin
scottishmummy · 12/11/2013 19:48

This thread is mn bingo
Precious moments, and I wonder why folk have children
Yada yada

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 12/11/2013 19:53

I have a full time nanny, housekeeper and cook, oh and a PA and Ds goes to nursery twice a week ... I'm a single disabled working mother though :) i think I'd actually kill to be better enough to dispense with my helpers services though.

Anyway, my point is lives come in all shapes and sizes.

Lilacroses · 12/11/2013 20:22

Yes that's true we don't know for sure and I understand wanting time away but I would say just the same about someone who worked all week and then also employed a nanny for nights AND for the weekend. Why have kids? I just think that taking that much time away from your children by choice and handing that much of their care over to someone else is a strange and sad choice. But she may think my life is sad. Who knows?

hardboiledpossum · 12/11/2013 20:24

if I were rich I might get a part time nanny.

I used to work as a weekend live in nanny to a family who also had a weekly live in nanny. I worked from wake up to bedtime and dealt with any wake ups. the mum didn't work. I think it is sad that the parents only saw their children for a few minutes here and there.

monkeynuts123 · 12/11/2013 20:24

I know someone like this, I think she's pathetic and I have lost all interest in her. I like to be around women who are strong and capable.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/11/2013 20:28

"Happymummy, Who looks after your kids when you are doing your volunteering, it isn't making you money, which according to you is the only time somebody should have childcare. Glass houses?"

DS is at school whilst i work now and volunteering is either done when he is at school on my days off or when DH is home. So no glass house, sorry to disappoint.

I am also quite entitled to my own viewpoint as others are. I dont think its too much to ask that sahps pick up the housework whilst the other works. Its only fair if putting one person under the pressure of being the sole earner to pick up the house stuff, it doesnt take long.

monkeynuts123 · 12/11/2013 20:29

Oh and agree with happy mum. Really, SAHM who can't do the cleaning? Pathetic. I know another total wimp who said she was too tired to push hoover around when baby was small. I have enough money to 'outsource' as you put it but wouldn't dream of being so bloody precious. Look after my own kids and clean my own house, that's what a SAHM is meant to do. Working mums don't have time to clean house and do all childcare so pay someone, that makes sense. Your poor husbands who have to pay someone to do the cleaning while SAHM sits on arse on MN. Pah

Crowler · 12/11/2013 20:30

Your husband must find it irritating that he has to fund your lah-dee-dah charitable works, happymummy.