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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find a SAHM with nanny a bit much?

268 replies

lill72 · 12/11/2013 09:16

I know a mum that has 2 DC. One is at school, one at nursery at least 3 mornings a week, with a nanny every afternoon. The nanny/housekeeper also does a few nights a week and then has a teacher on the weekend to do activities with as well as nanny one night. The mum spends hardly any time with the children, as she i never there when the nanny is, even though she is a SAHM.

Although some days I would love some more time on my own, I just find this amount of time away from your children is sort of odd, when you are able to spend it with them. Aren't these time precious?

By the way, I am not saying anything against working mums, only that if you have the chance/choice to be with your kids, shouldn't you make a bit more of it?

love to hear your thoughts?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/11/2013 09:33

Come on Circles, surely you don't think your situation is remotely comparable to the one the OP described? Very disingenuous comparison.

How do you know whether it is comparable or not? Do you know whether the mother in the OP has any problems?

Mrspaddy · 12/11/2013 09:34

Well, it is hard to make a call on this.. she obviously has the cash and doesn't feel the need to be a martyr ..

If I had the cash, it wouldn't be for me. I would rather do the activities but if she doesn't want that, I think it is sad but- I don't care much for what other people do in life really, if I am honest.

I know a lot of people who send older children out to childcare and only have the baby at home. I also have a friend with absolutely no help - husband is old school - wont do anything - she is wrecked and unhappy and her quality of life isn't good. So this is something I likely to impact the children more.

Sparklingbrook · 12/11/2013 09:34

Right. That's it. opinions are no longer allowed. And everyone must be automatically jealous. Hmm

MulberryHag · 12/11/2013 09:34

Lucky her!! Smile

ScottishDiblet · 12/11/2013 09:35

You could say this about me. I've got one daughter, am still on maternity leave, and am getting some help from a nanny a few days a week for the foreseeable future. But I've had a fairly major operation and my family aren't nearby and I need extra help with my daughter. No shame in that.

whois · 12/11/2013 09:36

YABVU you don't have to sacrifice yourself for your child to be happy or know that you're its mother.

^This

ballinacup · 12/11/2013 09:37

Because, Soup, MN is full of stupid comparisons just like the one Circles made.

MN is also full of people willing to shout 'HIDDEN DISABILITIES!' when, in all likelihood, the woman just prefers having someone else to do the bulk of the childcare.

God knows I can relate. I went back to work full time because I hated being at home all day with DS. Presumably as the OP knows the woman in question well enough to know her daily routine, she also knows whether or not the woman is physically/mentally capable of caring for her own children all day, if she chose to do so.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/11/2013 09:37

I think is the most important sentence in the Op's post:

The mum spends hardly any time with the children

The set-up may be great for the mother, but how does it affect the children involved?

I can't say not spending time with your children (like the example also given in my original post) is anything to be jealous of....

Lamu · 12/11/2013 09:38

I'm a Sahm I send Dd to a childminder 2 days a week. It's good for her and it keeps me sane to have few hours to MN catch up on housework. SIL had a full time nanny to help with her twins from birth to 3.5. If you can afford it why not.

SoupDragon · 12/11/2013 09:38

Because, Soup, MN is full of stupid comparisons just like the one Circles made.

How do you know it is stupid? Do you, in fact, have a hidden camera in the other mother's house to know what goes on?

WhereIsMyHat · 12/11/2013 09:38

I love kids, they're funny entertaining etc but they're bloody hard work. I'm a SAHM and if we had loads of cash I would have a nanny and I'd do loads of voluntary work, yoga and Pilates every day. Getting to spend quality time with one child while the other is being well cared for, help with the cooking, homework, housework. Someone to stay home with a sick child while you take the other to school. Being able to pop to the shop for that one dinner ingredient you forgot but is vital to make it palatable. I could go on....

It sounds amazing.

When am I going to win the lottery god damn it!

Tee2072 · 12/11/2013 09:39

Fuck the "you're not allowed to have opinions" brigade.

How about we fucking support each other no matter the decisions we make for our kids? And stop being to fucking judgemental.

Is this hurting her children? Then get over it.

fromparistoberlin · 12/11/2013 09:41

I do love the non judgy comments here

If you find yourself farming out every spare second to childcare providers then its not unreasonable to assume that you dont especially enjoy time with your kids. which begs the question....

BlackberrySeason · 12/11/2013 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/11/2013 09:43

Tee2072

"Is this hurting her children? Then get over it"

Yes, it probably is.....

Ahole · 12/11/2013 09:43

That does seem excessive!

Ahole · 12/11/2013 09:44

She must spend very little time with her own children.

Ahole · 12/11/2013 09:47

I've come across a family like this. The family were very well off and had a daughter aged about 7/8 and because the mother was pregnant again they'd invested in a German live-in nanny to look after the older child so the mom could focus on the new baby. It was all a bit surreal. The nanny did EVERYTHING for the 7/8 year old...got her up in the morning and got her ready for school, took her to school, picked her up from school, did her homework with her, cooked her dinner and then put her to bed. The mother told me she was concerned because the older child seemed to be showing signs of resentment towards the new baby

That's sad. Sad Did you point out the obvious to the parents?

Lamu · 12/11/2013 09:48

fromparis but why judge? What's it to you what someone does with their children?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/11/2013 09:49

Writer - what do you base that on, that it is hurting her children? Are you an expert?

A friend of mine is a SAHM and has a nanny part-time. She has 3 DC, all aged 5 and under. Her husband runs his own business and is around very little, and very much views that everything to do with the house and kids is her responsibility so she doesn't get much help from him.

There were times when DS2 was small when I would have had a nanny for some hours if we could have afforded it. He never slept for more than an hour at a time, didn't nap and wouldn't be put down. DS1 really suffered for lack of my attention and if I could have prevented that with the application of cash then I would have done so.

aquashiv · 12/11/2013 09:51

Why are you judging the Mother to be neglectful Op?

SoupDragon · 12/11/2013 09:51

Writerwannabe83 So, you must therefore think that full time working parents are hurting their children more.

fromparistoberlin · 12/11/2013 09:51

How about we fucking support each other no matter the decisions we make for our kids? And stop being to fucking judgemental.

If the OP paints a true picture, then I suspect there could be some level of emotional neglect here. Now maybe not, who knows. I hope not!

But I think whilst it looks judgy (oh yes!) I think its is important that people take noptice of children, how they are being cared for etc

Now I am not saying this lady is abusing her kids! But at the same time when it comes to children and their welfare, people being a "sticky beak" is not necessarily a bad thing

So on the one hand we could say "oh you judgy jealous bitch"

or we could say, hmmm. This last barely want to spend any time with her kids. whats going on there I wonder?

everytime anyone posts like this they get rounded on and called names. "Oh maybe she is depressed, maybe she has specials needs, who are you so fucking judgy

But all the OP is saying is she thinks it strange that someone is farming out every nano second of childcare, and thats a valid opinion

Maybe if people had been a bit judgier and stepped in, Daniel Pelka would still be alive

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 12/11/2013 09:52

If you find it a bit much then get rid of your nanny. Oh wait... It's not your nanny? Then it's not up to you to find it 'a bit much' Hmm

This really is a non issue in the grand scheme of things. Do you think you'll be lying on your death bed regretting that mrs smith down the road had a nanny for a few years? Hardly.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 12/11/2013 09:53

If I won the lottery, I would have 2 more babies, and hire a Nanny to do all the nappies and a housekeeper to keep my McMansion nice. I would just dandle the babies on my knee and eat bon bons.
Lovely.