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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find a SAHM with nanny a bit much?

268 replies

lill72 · 12/11/2013 09:16

I know a mum that has 2 DC. One is at school, one at nursery at least 3 mornings a week, with a nanny every afternoon. The nanny/housekeeper also does a few nights a week and then has a teacher on the weekend to do activities with as well as nanny one night. The mum spends hardly any time with the children, as she i never there when the nanny is, even though she is a SAHM.

Although some days I would love some more time on my own, I just find this amount of time away from your children is sort of odd, when you are able to spend it with them. Aren't these time precious?

By the way, I am not saying anything against working mums, only that if you have the chance/choice to be with your kids, shouldn't you make a bit more of it?

love to hear your thoughts?

OP posts:
Mim78 · 12/11/2013 15:07

I think it's her business. May not be what you'd do personally but as long as the children are cared for it's her choice.

Bumblequeen · 12/11/2013 15:16

I am a little Envy that some women actually have the choice of employing a nanny/gardener/cook, all whilst being at home.

Even working part time being a sahm is not currently an option for us. I would feel like I had hit the jackpot if I could give up work.

Coming on this forum reminds me that some families are very comfortable financially.

charleybarley · 12/11/2013 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 12/11/2013 15:20

This is very common in lots of other countries, where you would have nannies, cooks, gardeners housekeepers etc.

Maybe she is used to an ex pat lifestyle or grew up with this.

If I had the £ I would hire some help in a flash.

I do not have a single pair of hands to help me, no family whatsoever, so yes I would hire in some help where others may use GP or aunts, etc.

I have also noticed family who have nannies and are shams and it does not mean neglect at all, just more freedom and a usually happier less stressed mother.

ZeroTolerance · 12/11/2013 15:23

'I have also noticed family who have nannies and are shams and it does not mean neglect at all, just more freedom and a usually happier less stressed mother."

Oh yes - I don't doubt that at all. (Although I think you meant Sahms not Shams Wink

Original poster
lill72 · 12/11/2013 15:55

I have my DD in nursery part-time as I am studying but SAHM, so I totally understand that one needs time apart from DC! I am quite stressed and exhausted a lot of the time and I would love more help. No question.

they do have a few more advantages, but I do not want to be too specific. but no, this is not a lifestyle they have grown up with.

Guess to me this is the other extreme of 'being a mum'.

I also used to have some friends who both worked really long hours with a nanny. The mum used to come home deliberately after the child had gone to bed so she didnt have to deal with him - as he was very difficult/attention seeking as he was starved of his mum and dad. They have lots of money but not much time and are super stressed - again, another way of 'being a mum'

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 12/11/2013 16:01

I find it funny that its almost unheard of to criticise any level of parenting on here

and...its always seen as an attack on being a WOHM/SAHM

I judge mothers that dont really give a shit about their kids

That said......in all fairness I dont actually know anyone that does it!!!

In fact, most Mums I know are very nice Grin

Its only on MN that I pour vitriol on these neglectful bitches!!!

Ahole · 12/11/2013 16:23

I also have to listen to SAHM complain when nanny is away or something and she actually has to pick children up etc

Ah that's sad! My dh works and when he has the opportunity to pick the kids up or take them somewhere he jumps at the chance to spend that time with them. Im with them a lot, but if i ever get a days work i enjoy seeing them after so much more because I've had the opportunity to miss them. I can't imagine hardly seeing them and still not enjoying the time we have together.

If she begrudges picking them up i would imagine they sense that Sad

What about the dad? Does he spend much time with them?

Aquariusgirl86 · 12/11/2013 16:40

I think she's very lucky and you are probably a bit jealous? I am! I have no family help and I have two toddlers, dh works 5 days I work 2 days between us one of us is at work 7 days a week, no one else ever looks after our children even for 5 mins. If I could afford someone I would, I think having someone to interact with them would be better than my method of getting housework done is to put on cbeebies for a bit. I haven't had a full nights sleep in 2.5 years, if I could hire someone to either help with housework or watch the children while I did I would! Not every second can be precious, plus sometimes I think I'm a better more fun mum after a day at work as I have a bit of mental energy back!

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/11/2013 17:14

I feel sorry for the husband who not only has to work to support himself, her and the children but also fund a nanny when they actually dont need childcare! Bit like SAHMs who have a cleaner despite no job getting in the way of housework.

It is quite sad for the child to have a nanny knowing mum isnt working but simply doing what she wants rather than spending time with them. Childcare is quite different when a parent works.

Lilacroses · 12/11/2013 17:18

I'm not jealous of this woman, not at all. I can't see the point in having kids if you pretty much never look after them or spend time with them. I agree we all need time to ourselves and help with practical stuff around the house garden would be amazing but actually having THAT much childcare sounds very much like someone who doesn't want to be around their kids a great deal, which from the children's pov is a shame. From what I've read here some people have offered their circumstances as a way of saying that they are in a similar situation but what they have said bears almost no relation to the woman described in the OP.

No, it doesn't have any bearing on my life whatsoever what this woman does and I probably don't know the whole story but taken at face value I think it's sad.

valiumredhead · 12/11/2013 17:22

Perhaps the husbands are pleased to help their wives cope by employing help and if they are working long hours they are picking up the slack when they cannot help as they are at work?

Happy wife, happy life and all that. Horrible saying but there's truth in it imo.

valiumredhead · 12/11/2013 17:33

Some of our good friends employ a cleaner, she works and dad is a stay at home dad of school aged children. She couldn't give a bloody hoot and just wants to make things easier for her husband. My parents are retired but still have a house keeper for 12 hours a week-so bloody what!

akachan · 12/11/2013 17:34

I haven't read the whole thread but I just dropped in to say I'm crazy jealous. My husband doesn't work much so I'll be looking at back full time soon after any babies (TTC at the moment). No job but extra help sounds like heaven.

TheArticFunky · 12/11/2013 17:39

I think having a teacher is a bit odd. I don't see anything wrong with having a nanny.

I would have a nanny, chauffeur, cleaner, housekeeper and secretary if I could afford it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/11/2013 17:46

HappyMummy WTF?

I'm a SAHM and I have a cleaner and we send the ironing out. The clue is in the word 'SAHMum, not housekeeper and general dogsbody.

Housemum · 12/11/2013 17:53

I've told the kids that if we win millions on the lottery I'll have a nanny - would be lovely to have someone to share the childcare with (OK, DH around evenings/weekends but I mean the daily looking after and preparing meaals etc) and to be able to take time out for a haircut/go to the gym/whatever without having to call in favours or take bored kids along with me knowing that they'll be happy and entertained.

Booboostoo · 12/11/2013 18:01

At the risk of being pelted with Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit I am a SAHM (almost entirely, I ocassionally do some freelance work but I only take on deadlines I think I can meet) and I have a full time (8 hours x 5 days a week) nanny/groom/housekeeper.

I don't think it means I don't want to spend time with DD. I did the whole attachment parenting, co-sleeping, EBF, thing when she was little and still spend 24/7 with her if she is sick or unsettled in any way, but now she is a toddler I find her hard work all day long. My nanny and I do the horses, dogs and DD between us and no day is the same, it really depends on DD's mood. If she's in a good mood she's more willing to play with the nanny and I can muck out, if she's in a foul mood I keep her and the nanny walks the dogs/rides the horses.

Lilacroses · 12/11/2013 18:09

That actually sounds like fun Booboostoo! Your little girl must have loads of fun with the dogs and horses too. It's different than you going out for almost the entire time the nanny is there though, which is what op describes in her post, isn't it?

Aquariusgirl86 · 12/11/2013 18:10

I agree don't have kids if you don't want to be with them but you can't be playing, interacting and cuddling them 24/7. There's still housework to do. Personally I'd rather have a cleaner and cook and I could be with my kids all the time but I don't. Would you think it a bit much if a sahm had a cook and cleaner (but no nanny )?
Maybe she's using the nanny to do all the non fun bits of parenting so she can get on with all the playing and fun?

everlong · 12/11/2013 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilacroses · 12/11/2013 18:14

Now that would be lovely Aquarius, I agree! I would so love a cleaner that could sort of organise me a bit and a cook would be brilliant! I am crap at most of that domestic sort of stuff but think I am good at the fun mum stuff...hopefully Dd agrees!

everlong · 12/11/2013 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strumpetron · 12/11/2013 18:20

i'm sure it's nice for some people and their circumstances but it wouldn't be my cup of tea. If I'm at home I'll feed, dress, bath, play with and raise my kids myself thankyou very much.

NonnoMum · 12/11/2013 18:20

Sounds idyllic.

Love it.

(just waiting for my lottery win and I'll be joining her...)

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