To find a SAHM with nanny a bit much?

[lill72]

I know a mum that has 2 DC. One is at school, one at nursery at least 3 mornings a week, with a nanny every afternoon. The nanny/housekeeper also does a few nights a week and then has a teacher on the weekend to do activities with as well as nanny one night. The mum spends hardly any time with the children, as she i never there when the nanny is, even though she is a SAHM.

Although some days I would love some more time on my own, I just find this amount of time away from your children is sort of odd, when you are able to spend it with them. Aren't these time precious?

By the way, I am not saying anything against working mums, only that if you have the chance/choice to be with your kids, shouldn't you make a bit more of it?

love to hear your thoughts?

Apols if x-posting as on phone and have only scanned replies but if I was a journalist for one of the more unpleasant rags that is exactly the kind of clunky faux provocative OP I would post up here to generate some juicy fodder on mothers turning against mothers blah blah blah to oblivion. I am always suspicious of these ones.

A lot of posters on here are missing that this is 24 hour childcare. Not comparable to a working parent or occasional housekeeping help.

Writer my mother worked long hours when I was little and I had nannies. She didn't need to financially, my dad earned plenty. She did so mainly because she would have gone a bit nuts looking after small DC all day.

Did I and do I find it upsetting that she chose to WOH instead of spending all day with me? Not in the least. I really liked my nanny (a possibility that you and the OP seem not to consider) and I liked seeing my nanny in the day and my parents in the evenings/at weekends. I got different things from each.

And now as mother to a small DD myself, I am about to make exactly the same decision - I will WOH even though I don't need to financially and my dd will have a nanny - because I am just not good at spending all day every day with a small child, and our nanny is so much better at it. It takes a village, and all that.

I don't understand this idea of "why have dc if you're not going to look after them". Does anyone ask this about fathers? Surely you can want to have a family without wanting to spend 24/7 with them.

And I'm not sure where all this talk of 24 hour nannies comes from. It's pretty unusual to find a nanny who will do more than 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, so that still leaves a fair bit of parent-child time, especially if the DC are still up in the night like mine.

Well, I am currently a SAHM with young twins and a DP who travels a lot with work and I am lucky enough (PILs pay her salary) to have one. We divvy up housework/cooking/ironing/kids between us. She was also originally a nanny for me too in a way as I had PND which I medicated with far too much booze (a whole other thread) and I wanted, in my saner moments, to make sure the girls were always safe and there was a responsible adult there.

It's been brilliant and she's helped immeasurably with my recovery BUT I do wish she wasn't here all the time as sometimes, on the rare occasions everything is done, I would love to just roll round on the lounge floor with the girls and be silly, but...Plus I don't like having other people in my house. Well, not all the time. It'd be nice if sometimes we could all be in pyjamas all day and eating fishfinger butties...

The girls now have 3 nursery mornings a week and we've dropped her salary accordingly so she's off in a couple of months. It's no bad thing; she's been a rock but I just know I am better with the girls than she is. I'll still get SOME help as I'm going to be doing a charity job a few days a week and studying again at Uni. But I'll try to ensure we have some time just me and the DCs. I do worry that when they're bigger they'll think I don't want to be with them. I do, desperately. But it's better to have a well Mummy for 50% of the time than a sick Mummy's who's with them 100%. Having help, and going out and doing things for myself, has saved my life, and possibly theirs. I'm not exaggerating.

It's horses for courses isn't it.

Oh I wish that was my life!

It's pretty unusual to find a nanny who will do more than 12 hours a day, 5 days a week

If a nanny is caring for the children 12 hours a day, 5 days a week then I'd guess they were doing nearly 100% of the childcare? And I completely agree with your point that the children can like their nannies/child minders - I thought my child minder was brilliant

(anD I meant 100% of the childcare during the working week)

Do nannies get the weekends off (just curious)?

Ahole I did appreciate that but I do feel it's unfair judging people who are ensuring their children are looked after. Whatever else is going on behind the scenes we don't know, which renders all the "thoughts" people have on this situation pointless gossip.

I think the judging that goes on is connected to a feeling that people and women in particular should be working hard to the point of struggling and if they aren't it's unfair.

Um no, I think children generally need looking after for 7 days a week, 24 hours a day? So a 12 hr 5 day nanny still leaves early mornings, evenings, nights and weekends for the parents to do. if you see what I mean.

god yes nannies get the weekends off!

seems like you don't know much about nannies writer for someone who has quite a few opinions on the subject...?

Well if a nanny works 07.30am-19.30pm you on't think that covers most of the child's waking hours? And no, I don't know much about nannies, hence why I'm asking questions.

I really don't know why some posters have to be so defensive/argumentative/antagonistic at times. Why is it such a big deal for people to have varying opinions on a subject?

God Mumsnet is hysterical sometimes.

Hysterical or infuriating mintyy ??

If she and her husband can afford, her choice, why are you judging?

If I could afford I would have a nanny every day after work/ school to ensure that I could give each child one on one time each day.

It is entirely their business. Some people have exceptionally busy lives even if they don't have paid employment.

And good for them to:

1. give employment to several people

2. to give their children other people who are constant in their lives to love them, care for them and look out for them.

I really don't know why some posters have to be so defensive/argumentative/antagonistic at times. Why is it such a big deal for people to have varying opinions on a subject?

I agree, wholeheartedly

but you will get told "because people are fucking judgy and why cant women just leave each other alone to live out our choices in peace, we are our own worse enemies"

you BITCH!!!!

How well do you know her? How do you know she doesn't have a medical condition that doesn't present itself with flashing red lights over her forehead saying "I am not well." Maybe she would love to spend a lot of time with her children but can't because she can't? Or maybe she loves her children but she needs a lot of alone time? For whatever reason.....

It's her business. Stop judging.

ha ha only on here do women support a family that by the sounds really have very little to do with their children,and farm out childcare on a huge scale and frankly cant be bothered with their own children

yes cant be bothered,thats the plain fact if op has the details correct

this has nothing to do with not being a martyr, the family (say that loosely) just dont seem like they really want to be with the children

poor children,dont their needs,emotions etc come into this,what about in later years

Horses for courses.

If it works for her and her children the answer has to be 'why not'? I appreciate you're just trying to stimulate discussion but everyone life is different and if we spent less time bothering about what others are doing and constantly thinking 'grass is greener' I think we would all be much happier in our own skin and our own lives.

OP I agree with you to be honest. There is nothing wrong with having a nannie to help out. But if it really is like you say then why did the mother bother having kids.

Jealous much OP? If she can afford it why not?

My aunt was a mother of one, SAHM, and had a live in nanny/housekeeper. I don't know what she did most of the time, but I think lots of lunches, gyms, beauty appointments. I don't see why it's not a charmed life.

I have a nanny/housekeeper. I work very little. DS is 5. She comes round 3-4 nights a week and does the house work while DS is asleep so I can get to dinners with friends etc. Also, if we are not here, she stays in the house just generally keeping things ticking over. Once in a blue moon she has DS during the day if I have a job that runs over out of school hours.

When she does have him, and I get the "time off" from being mummy, do you know what I bloody love it. And anyone who thinks this means I can't be arsed to spend time with DS is wrong. I'm just not too much of a self righteous arse to admit that I enjoy it. Loving the freedom that this provides me, does not a useless mother make.

Yes I could quite easily do all the housework myself. I find it quick and easy tbh. But I'd rather be in the gym, or lunch with friends, or shopping, or doing general admin type stuff. So that's what I do. No one else's business but mine.

It works perfectly for me. And my poor, emotionally neglected, unfulfilled DS

If I can afford it, I will have a nanny too. I will still work because that's what I like to do. But that's entirely my choice.

I am a sahm with children at school, a cleaner and a gardener.
I have a very lovely life and the reason I know this is because I tend to not mind much how other people organise theirs.

I also know that how my life looks fom the outside and how it actually is on the inside are to very different things.
Trying to make judgements from the outside is usually a fools game. We know very little of the realities which drive other peoples choices.