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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find a SAHM with nanny a bit much?

268 replies

lill72 · 12/11/2013 09:16

I know a mum that has 2 DC. One is at school, one at nursery at least 3 mornings a week, with a nanny every afternoon. The nanny/housekeeper also does a few nights a week and then has a teacher on the weekend to do activities with as well as nanny one night. The mum spends hardly any time with the children, as she i never there when the nanny is, even though she is a SAHM.

Although some days I would love some more time on my own, I just find this amount of time away from your children is sort of odd, when you are able to spend it with them. Aren't these time precious?

By the way, I am not saying anything against working mums, only that if you have the chance/choice to be with your kids, shouldn't you make a bit more of it?

love to hear your thoughts?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/11/2013 09:53

If the OP paints a true picture, then I suspect there could be some level of emotional neglect here

So, do you believe the children of working parents are victims of emotional neglect?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/11/2013 09:54

fromparis have you just likened a SAHM having childcare to a child dying through abuse/neglect?

Please tell me that you haven't, because that is just fucked up and says far more about you than any of the women being discussed on this thread.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 12/11/2013 09:55

And what tee said.

Crowler · 12/11/2013 09:57

When I was a SAHM I always had some help. Weirdly, I did not enjoy being with babies or toddlers 12 hours a day.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 12/11/2013 09:57

Out of interest OP do you judge the father of these children aswell? He has a nanny and teacher aswell as a partner at home. I'll bet anything he is spending less time with his dcs than his partner but i havent seen him mentioned in your 'very concerned for the children' post.

heidihole · 12/11/2013 09:58

I am a SAHM and have a nanny. So shoot me. She has toddler from crack of dawn when he gets up, so that i can sleep later (pregnant). I get to enjoy my morning food shopping, preparing dinner, tidying up, doing laundry PLUS time for tea breaks.

I have son in afternoon so I still see him but i'm "fresh" and enthusiastic

We can afford it so why not? If I worked full time i'd see him less yet you seem ok with that scenario? Plus do you know that some women work full time because they WANT to not because they HAVE TO? not every mum OR DAD enjoys 24 hours a day with their baby/toddler. `Doesn't mean they don't love them.

BettyandDon · 12/11/2013 09:58

I would worry about whatever point in time this ladies children realise that she would rather be doing other things than spending really what seems like a little time with them. Whether this is at 6 months, 12 months or by the time they are 30.

A lot of the responses are about the mother and her right to do what she pleases rather than what's right for her children. Maybe the nanny is Mary Poppins and the kids are really lucky but I doubt it somehow.

toffeesponge · 12/11/2013 09:59

Why do you want to hear our thoughts? What will you do with them?

I used to be a nanny and one for my jobs was doing 12 hour days for a baby of a few weeks old who had a non working mum. I did the majority of the work with the baby and got up most nights too but it was my job and if mum had wanted to look after the baby herself I wouldn't have had a job. No business of mine what mum or dad did, I was happy to have a job!

Writerwannabe83 · 12/11/2013 10:00

Ahole - thankfully it was a family that I knew well (they had been family friends for many years) so thankfully it was quite easy to point out why the daughter may be feeling resentful. The mother, bless her was genuinely surprised and said she hadn't thought about it from the angle of her daughter. She said she'd start involving her daughter more in the care of the baby to try and help them form a relationship and also to give the mom and older daughter more quality time together too.

soupdragon - of course I don't think working parents are hurting their children. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I spent 7-8 years within childcare whilst my mom worked full time. I missed her terribly but I understood that she had to work to put the roof over our head and food on the table etc. There's a big difference (I'd imagine) in a child's mind between knowing they are being left in the care of others because their parents need to work, and the child knowing they are being left in the care of another because mom/dad would rather be somewhere else or spending time with the other child instead.

But that's just my opinion. I'm not saying it's wrong or right, but it's just how I feel.

LoonvanBoon · 12/11/2013 10:00

Would you judge a working mum who left her children with a nanny for long hours? If that's not harmful to the children, I don't see that it makes much difference if the mum isn't at work & is just doing - whatever it is she does. What about the dad? Is he around & does he spend much time with the children? Surely that's relevant too if you're speculating about their being emotionally neglected.

Wouldn't be my choice, I have to say, though when I was a SAHM I would have loved to have some childcare for, say, one day a week as we had no family support nearby. Agree that it's not anyone else's business & find it frustrating that it's always the women's choices that are scrutinised like this, never the men's.

Bonsoir · 12/11/2013 10:01

I know SAHMs with a nanny, a housekeeping couple, a chauffeur and a gardener. Why not?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 12/11/2013 10:01

Bettyanddon its perfectly fine to want to do other things than spend 100% of your time with your children. Lots of working parents choose to do something else for 10 hours a day 5 days a week.

LoonvanBoon · 12/11/2013 10:02

Didn't see other people had already made the same points.

SoupDragon · 12/11/2013 10:02

OK, Wannabewriter, so it's only SAHM who harm their children by using childcare. Nice.

SoupDragon · 12/11/2013 10:03

Maybe if people had been a bit judgier and stepped in, Daniel Pelka would still be alive

How the fuck is that relevant??!

Ahole · 12/11/2013 10:03

So, do you believe the children of working parents are victims of emotional neglect?

Its not even remotely the same thing.

If a parent is not working and available to see their child, choosing not to all day every day and then also at nights AND weekends is concerning.

Its not about her having a bit of time for herself (why shouldn't she after all) its about a parent who has their children in almost 24 hours childcare, all week, every week.

SoupDragon · 12/11/2013 10:04

As an aside, there are plenty of working parents who do so because being at home with the children all the time would drive them nuts.

ImagineJL · 12/11/2013 10:04

This is a public chat forum, where people come on and post about their opinions on things. This doesn't mean they think it's the most important life-and-death situation in the world. It's human nature to have views on the world around us. I'm always astounded by the it's-none-of-your-business-and-don't-you-have-more-important-things-to-worry-about replies.

At no point did the OP say she thought this was on a par with the worlds natural disasters. Nor did she say she planned to march round to her friend's house and mouth off about what a dreadful way she lived here life. She just speculated that it was a sad and somewhat strange way to look after your kids ie delegating most of it when you don't have to.

And as for the people who say that how people treat their kids should be of no interest to strangers - well words fail me. Of course this situation isn't anywhere near the same as the high profile abuse cases we all know about, but the principle is the same. A civilised society should look to protect its young, regardless of whether they're close contacts or not. Without care and interest in our fellow humans, we're just a bunch of savages!

fairisleknitter · 12/11/2013 10:04

I was a SAHM and used a childminder. I had my reasons and my DH was supportive. I was surprised (I am a naive soul at times!) to be very blatantly judged by my SiL, but OP it reflected badly on her imo.

Ballinacup my experience is judgers judge; Circles maybe feels she has already been judged, I know I have and it's hurtful.

Ahole · 12/11/2013 10:04

Writer. Its amazing that your friend hadn't realised that. But nice how she dealt with it.

Lamu · 12/11/2013 10:05

Parents who work full time should also be hauled over hot coals for emotionally abusing their kids by outsourcing childcare. Hmm

Personaly I couldn't care less what the sahp down the road does with their child. Dd will also go to pre-school 4 mornings as well as the childminder for 2 afternoons next year and I'll have a newborn to look after. Dp works 14 hr days. I have no family support nearby. If we need to we'll also get help a couple of nights a week for the first 3 months.

SoupDragon · 12/11/2013 10:05

Its not even remotely the same thing.

Yes it is. It is exactly the same thing. It's just that it is OK to judge a SAHM for it but not a WOHM.

TooTabooToBOOOOO · 12/11/2013 10:05

I can't be the only one eyerolling at this, surely?

I will abide by Talk Guidelines though.

I feel veryi sorry for genuine new members coming here for support when faux controversial posts keep rocking up.

fairisleknitter · 12/11/2013 10:05

OP didn't come across as a supportive acquaintance Imagine.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/11/2013 10:05

soupdragon - you are twisting what I'm saying and you know you are. I'm not an argumentative person so I'm not going to try and re-make my point. the SAHP can do as they please but all I'm doing is looking at things from the perspective of the child and how it may make them feel.