To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

If you can bear her, I think in the short term coming to everything she suggests is a very good idea.
She wont like it - and she will either capitulate and come to terms with the fact you are not letting your dc out of your sight, or she will decline things as she cant bear to have you there.

If I could do this I would, but as said, mine has gone further and I cant bear her....

But its a good strategy, and you are still letting her see the DC's...just with you there but it shouldnt be a problem should it? If she loves them so much?

Oh I do at the moment, DC does not see MIL unless I am there when things are like this. MIL often tries to take DC upstairs or away from me though. And gives her sweets and tells DC not to tell me, that it's their little secret.

I am worried about when DC gets older and it will be easier for MiL to spend time with DC without me. Ie if she wants to go shopping or something. But I will just try to keep inviting myself along. Downside is I have to fake it with MIL during that time.

Exactly Elf, and if she loved me so much as she always says she does.

thebody

I would urge caution there on that advice, it can put too much emotional pressure on smalll children they should not really be getting dragged into this.

they may also look on mum as hte bad guy keeping them from sweet sweet giving poor grandma who cries all the time.

my Dh made the mistake of saying granny doesnt like me, and it opened up an opportunity for granny to say something about me and it looks like DD has gone with grannyt not me,its a risk.

I know I know - I do really understand this is difficult, believe me. I'm sorry I think my last post sounds sharper than I meant it to be. Can your dh not see how manipulative MIL is being though? And she is manipulating everyone else into manipulating you too! We have the same issue with the rest of dh's family just accepting the PILs' dysfunctional behaviour too (that's their choice though - I choose not to accept this crap).

If your dh isn't ready to deal with her then maybe you should think about deciding on your own boundaries though? You don't have to confront her (it won't work) but you can simply start acting on them. Does that make sense? What is and isn't acceptable to you?

I did once tell DC that I was upset because MIL wasn't very kind about me. DC saw me crying about it :(

I think you have a short term plan there Crystal, and maybe think about the future, relate or something with your DH for an easier longer term strategy.

BTW we have had stranger danger at school and I told my DD that under no circumstances must she keep any secrets from me and daddy....not with grandmas or grandpas, aunts or uncles.

only her best friends at school adn mummy and daddy for instance, if mummy is doing a surprise card for daddy, under NO circumstances are people allowed to ask her to keep secrets and she must tell us.

MIL and SIL sneak DD off to play "hide" and "seek" when DH has taken DD there. he hasnt even noticed its a trick and a ploy to get DD alone. its how they found out we had another child.

If I was in this postion with my MIL I would gain some pleasure from putting her nose out by always being there and controlling the situation.

Yes it does make sense, and I know for certain that I will not let MIL take DC on outings without me in the future. Also that I will be present when she is there.

When MIL takes over bedtime and disappears to Dc's room for an hour to read stories and talk to her, I will stay in the room. I used to do this but stopped as I began to trust MIL.

OP, Seeing as it would be so hard to distance yourself I wonder about another tactic. I read something a while back that said if you do to somebody, the same behaviour they are irritating you with, they may well back off.

The example was a family irritated by MIL popping in all the time, they were retreating and avoiding her, she was getting worse. They were advised to start popping in unexpectedly on her, arrive at awkward times as she did, etc. When they did it she backed off and a happy balance was struck.

You mentioned about going along to everything with her, that might just work and she may then start backing away.

yes take your point but my mother had a vile mil and we knew from an early age that granny wasn't a nice person. she wasn't so mom simply was telling us the truth.

kids are much more sensible than we give them credit for and there main relationships are with mom and dad.

granny has sweets! so what! that will count for nowt as they get bigger. my parents were/are great with my kids but as they got to teens and older it's a bit of chore seeing them.

I honestly think in this case it's best to be honest with the dcs and they will see that mom is straight and granny isn't.

I have also had the talk with DC about secrets and was very proud of DC when she told MIL that she should never keep a secret from her mummy or daddy :)

Yes you have the perfect solution here to simply wade in, be over bearing and make sure she is never alone with them.
She is lucky to be seeing them at all after what she has said.
Make it clear, where she is with the DC, you shall also be.

BTW how is she with your DH does she respect him? nice to him etc>the sils are they nice to him?

thats great re secrets.

The thing is my MIL is viewed as Mary Poppins within the family, the loveliest grandma and mother in the world! She is lovely to everyone else she just finds it hard with me as we're not blood related and I have an important position in her sons life. So DC doesn't see her being vile, they see a sweet, lovely, placid, weak grandmother that will do anything to please her.

Why don't you arrange to meet her a neutral places like parks, play centres rather than having her in your home so often

Yes they're all nice to DH, he is the golden boy.

She is only 2 roads away from us so it's normal for her to just wander over. Even if we met in the park she would walk home with us and just hang around for hours.

same here crystal! other people in family can see what mil is like - the one woman who is not blood related can see it, but the men, most of them are men also think she is mary poppins, they dont understand my relationship with her is totally different!

i am in compettion with her -so she thinks! I have never known a woman do so little, have so much, cry so much and expect sooo much adulation as my mil. .

start to train youself not to care what others think, don't care about causing fuss, muscle in all the time on dc's with mil no one can call you on that...thats totally your territory and business, even your DH has said its between women, so you have that arena all to yourself....slowly try and reduce time spent together anyway...

Crystallballs as kids get older the less time they want to spend with their parents let alone grandparents.

all the things you are worried about now will get easier as your kids get older.

can you move house?

I think that's part of the problem, it shouldn't be normal for her to wonder over when it suits her and you don't have to let her

When she turns up tell her it's not convenient and invite her when it is

The key to all of this is boundaries

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I would love to write more, but difficult right now as I'm ill, but I do know about narcissists & she sound like one for sure.

DO be honest with your DC in an age appropriate way

& very importantly..

DO have a chat with your DC about the family pecking order

By a chance conversation with my own DD I realised that in a child's eyes "if you are my mum & you are in charge of me, then your mum/dads mum is in charge of you AND me"

I mentioned this to a friend who went through hell with her narc parents - worst case scenario - it had never occurred to her that when younger, he DS might see it this way, but she realised if she ad put him straight when young, her situation would have been a whole lot better

I put my own DD straight that it didn't work that way, that mum & dad are in charge of their own children & no one else- ever - unless mum says so -

Good luck

Is your husband her only son? I haven't read all the repliest but your first post sounds like she is jealous of you taking her son 'away'. This behaviour is very common in african and asian cultures. From your second post, it souns like she was trying to apologise by 'helping' out with the bath and play group but obviously did it wrong. My mum is like this, assuming water under the bridge rather than address issue. Also no woman is good enough for her sons. I told her she is lucky not to have me for a daughter in law! Btw love my mum to bits .... just don't side with her all the time.

I am in awe of Wecouldbeheros post. That is indeed heroic and worth copying. OP could you practise in front of a mirror until you are brave enough to do something similar?