To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

DH and his siblings see it as completely normal. They laugh it off.

In my family I don't think I've ever seen any of the adults drunk at a social occasion so it's shocking to me.

Who gets that drunk by lunchtime, knowing their DGC are coming to visit, and how could my MIL think this was going to help mend things between us or make me want DC to spend more time with her?

I think you need to put boundaries in place for this sort of thing. Do you really want your DC to think this is ok/normal?

We haven't seen them very regularly lately and so hasn't been a regular thing for DC to witness. Of course I don't want DC to think it's normal, DC was confused about all the crying that was going on and I was quite shocked at the situation. It wasn't what we expected.

Also wish MIL could have a genuine conversation with me without having to be drunk.

Sometimes it is really hard to do anything in a shocking situation. Children aren't stupid, your DC will notice that your PIL behave badly, though it will be a tough thing to learn. I am sorry that you are all going through this.

Some of the parents I most admire are the ones who have grown up with dysfunctional families and have decided not to repeat the pattern. The ones I know seem so determined and love their children in a fiercely protective way.

Stand up for yourself. Say what you need to say to your MIL, and ignore the sisters. Why even concern yourself about them? You are married to your DH, not them by extension! You are surely not just going to hold the hurt inside?! For the sake of hypocritical people who don't give a shit how you feel? There lies the way to illness.

If you don't stand up for yourself you will find that in time to come she will start with the whispers to turn your children against you. Its tough being a wife and mum sometimes - so you have to get tough.

On the day I was just trying to handle the crying and was hoping that that wouldn't escalate into a big thing. I managed to simply comfort MIL without having to get into a conversation about the events of the last year which was the last thing I wanted there and then. It would have been pointless as I was completely sober and she was drunk and extremely emotional.

To an extent DH and I have both grown up in dysfunctional families in one way or another. The difference being his family are 'functioning' dysfunctional in as far as they present a very normal picture to others when they want to. But with every passing year I see more of how deeply DH and his siblings are affected and conditioned. What I can see now when I look at his family, compared to what I saw when we first met is poles apart.

I am fiercely protective of my DC, that does ring true. DH sees things, has moments of clarity, but then easily forgets and falls back into the comfortable position of making light of it all.

I do fear that she 'whispers' to my DC, I fear that already. Why else does she always try to whisk them away from me, my SIL does the same. As I've mentioned before there are no other DGC in the family and it sometimes feels like they all want to be Mum to my DC.

Crystalballs - so, you counteract them all. YOU are your DC's mother, and they need to step off. Im not advocating that you start trouble - just set firm boundaries and don't allow them to be crossed, or you will become more and more unhappy. Why should you live unhappily for the sake of meanminded people? & whats the worse that can happen if you set boundaries - that they won't like you? They don't like you anyway. You sound a kind and patient person, Id have breathed fire over the lot of them by now..but anyway for the sake of yourself & your DC, do what you feel is best, and don't suffer in silence for anybody. They don't matter more than you do.

I find the easiest thing to do is keep them all at arms length.

I try not to see very much of them. The more we see of them the more familiar and comfortable they become around me, and then they begin overstepping boundaries again.

yep - keep them at arms length. Best thing to do. Keep your boundaries in place

I agree with all that, yes they are alcoholic and abusive but above all, pretty stupid. If what they want is contact, then they haven't gone about it the right way, by any means.

This is a good example to explain why you decided to cease contact until they can behave like responsible adults. Not like abusive drunks. I suspect it might be a fair while before this happens.

That wouldn't wash with my DH. We would fall out if I said that. It is reason enough for me to stop DC being alone with them though.

DH would never want to admit his DM is an alcoholic. I couldn't really say if she is, I don't know how often she drinks. She does drink and drive, and always drinks a lot at social occasions. But she just gets tearful when drunk so it's never seen as a problem by anyone.

He never will admit to her being an alcoholic and a drink driver if you don't point it out to him.

I've pointed out the drink driving. I've been stunned he has been happy for her to drive home some nights when she has stumbled to her car. As I said they are all so used to it and because FIL was so much worse that is their measure of what is normal and therefore MIL is 'fine'.

I am just waiting to see what happens next. I think it will be deemed my fault that MIL is drinking so much because she misses her DC, because we have seen less of her. I hate when the emotional manipulation flares up again because I'm left wondering what the next thing is going to be, what are they going to put on us next?

It's easier when MIL is sulking and we don't hear from her, but we get calls from the family guilt tripping us for not seeing her during this period so it's also stressful.

You definitely need to counter the claims:
'MIL is drinking because she misses her grandchildren'
'Really, she's been a drunk and a drunk driver for as long as I have known her'

'MIL is like this because of you'
'Really, because this kicked off when I overheard her bitching about me when she thought I'd gone. Are you saying it's my fault for having ears? Interesting'.

And I will. I just feel exhausted at having to deal with this ongoing. I have so much going on in my own life at the moment, and the life of DC that it's draining me mentally.

They seem to sap the energy of their children and I don't want to deal with it any longer.

No advice but un- mnetty

It's so bloody difficult when you know that there is going to be another onslaught - it's like being a sitting duck.

I think it was Vanilla who said up thread about countering negatives with positives - is this possible?

Thanks for reminding me, I need a positive to counter this. Just need to get the energy together first! I should have put this out of my mind days ago but it's the drip drip from SIL and calls from FIL about how I need to 'give MIL something to do' by giving her her DGC more often. I am not responsible for her not having anything to do or her depressed state. Wish they would take responsibility for themselves.

I think sometimes the "drip drip" is worst - it's a constant shadow and it's so difficult to get away from it. Sometimes easier for it to come to a head and for it to all just happen in a short time.

Could you not answer fil's calls?

Excellent post crystal, its so not your responsibility as you say!

If I were you I would phone police after she gets into car drinking. This might highlight the reality for your dh

I have a very similar situation and remember how hurt I felt when I thought our relationship was finally good and she had a huge bitch about me to DH. Fortunately DH has no trouble setting her straight and he tells me the things she's said (though I suspect not the worst bits) so that I'm not taken in by her. She's all sweetness and loveliness to me in person!

I now feel that I have the upper hand as she doesn't know DH tells me what she's said. I won't be taken in by her again. I keep our relationship polite but distant. I do what I need to to facilitate her relationship with DS (purely for his sake as we have very few family) but its on my terms.

It's sad that we can't have a normal loving relationship, but ultimately she's the one who's losing out.

Re FIL, I don't but DH does and tells me what he says. It's always the same. If I took DGC there every day it wouldn't be enough! This week end he sat and talked for ages about how he wants to see more of them. I kept pointing out they were here with him right now and he wasn't spending any time with them!

I wonder what MIL will do next and am trying to second guess so that I can be prepared and not be thrown another shocker. She has sulked for months, brought in the rest of the family to talk to me and DH, and is now sobbing her heart out in front of everyone and falling apart. What next?

Bloody shell. Next time you know she is going to drive drunk call the cops before she kills someone.
He can't downplay being carted off by the cops.

I do sympathise with you Crystalballs. After years of thinking we had an OK relationship, my mother in law managed to slag me off to my own husband! Despite his best efforts to point out she has been outrageous, she remains unrepentant and just ups the ante to say even more imaginary slights that I have done to her over the years to justify her position if he talks to her.

I am trying to keep well out of it and have nothing to do with her and father in law, who only ever repeats what she says anyway, but they have decided after a period of nearly a year of not going anywhere near me, that they are just going to come round and behave like nothing happened. I don't know quite what to do and husband is similarly stumped.

I am dreading father in law's next birthday and the inevitable stilted barbecue that I will be expected to attend. I keep trying to find excuses not to go to things, but husband is wise to me and doesn't want to go on his own. He wants me there for moral support.

My kids are in their teens, so perfectly capable of going to see her if they want to, but they seem oblivious to it all and never asked why we didn't see them for a year. The joy of teenage self-obsession. Makes life easier.

I think that when there is obvious hatred it can make things very difficult for dc. My father's mother obviously disliked my mum a lot ( and blatantly favoured me over my little sister) and eventually I utterly despised her for it.

What I can't understand is why these people can't see that their behaviour has/will have consequences.